What to say that hasn't been said before?

So, I think it's about time I updated you on the status of Onyx. I've certainly been busy. I was hoping that keeping busy would keep me distracted from pondering life and all the depressing things. However, that hasn't been true. I just seem to get pissed that I'm so busy.

I think I made a few breakthroughs though. I was reading that self-help book and it suggested an exercise I thought was completely dumb. It suggested that the issues I have stem from mommy/daddy issues. Now, I've always assumed I had daddy issues, but tried not to blame my insecurities and in general, fuckupedness, on this. But in the spirit of the book, I followed this exercise of closing your eyes and remembering the earliest memory in which I felt abandoned. Fully expecting to remember my father ditching me, I was surprised by the atcual memory that bubbled to the surface...

It was my mother. It was my mother focusing on my step-father's needs when he was around. It was my mother lavishing me with attention when my step-father wasn't around. And ignoring me when he was.

This took me by complete surprise. And as much as I hate to admit it, it does make sense.

Anyway, that's as far as I've gotten so far. All my other time has been taken up with work and Toastmasters. Not much just relaxing and enjoying life. Although, I did buy a new purse...and matching wallet...and matching change purse. That was nice.

Spent the entire weekend at a TM convention, then looking at houses. The former was definately exhausting, but interesting. Okay, so was the latter.

Okay, okay, I really have to go to bed. But I'll share more later. And swear to visit more. Hope everyone is doing okay. Laters.

Self Help (no, not that kind...you pervert!)

So...

I made a decision to purchase a self-help book to work through some of my codependency issues. I looked in the bookstore for about an hour, before deciding upon the least douchey book. I'm not a touchy-feely sort of person and I'm very particular about these types of books. I made sure the book I chose was at least authored by a professional in the field as opposed to some third-rate wannabe psycholigist/actress.

Anywhoo...

The book I finally chose had many areas and dependencies. I thought I had issues with co-dependency, whooo, boy, lemme tell you...apparently one of my largest issues is with fear of abandonment. I read this section and the fear started crawling up from the bottom of my belly and stuck in my neck. Just reading this section made me anxious.

One of the points they made, that fell very close to home for me, was that I get anxious when I don't talk to those closest to me for periods of time. I cling on, and when they leave, I get anxious that they'll leave (or lose interest). So I hound them or get angry at them when they haven't replied back to my emails/texts/phone calls.

Since the divorce this has become worse. Oddly enough, I left my husband in that scenario, but my abandonment issues have gotten worse. I get very anxious when people don't get back to me. Or if I feel threatened in social situations. Quite frankly, I feel like that puppy you leave at home. They just look up at you and whimper.

Anyway, the book says the first step to overcoming this issue, it recognizing it. So, I've recognized it and I recognize when it's happened in my day-to-day activities. I just keep repeating to myself that it's okay and people are busy and people need their freedom too and that I need to be okay just being me.

I did make a little discovery today. It seems that most friends and family in my life, that I've lost touch with, I've never spoken to again. I've always complained that if I didn't email or phone them first, we wouldn't be speaking anymore. And for the most part, that's what happened. When I stopped making the first contact, they never did.

Then I came to the realization that my friend Jackie never did this to me. Bless her heart, she's thousands of miles away, eight hours difference, and I still get little notes of encouragement from her. That gives me hope.

Of course, there's my mom and my grandma. Okay, and my aunt. But other than that....all my friends...ALL my friends in the past, I've lost touch with. Blue, R and K are the oldest relationships I have (other than Jackie) and that's only 3 years. Hell, I don't even talk to my ex-husband anymore. My father, his wife, my sister and brother...nothing. My closest from from my last job...nothing.

So that's a lot of abandonment issues to work through. I get anxious and paranoid just thinking about it. The little, okay large, niggle of fear works it way up from my chest into my head, and I just want to...I don't know...freak out.

So that's what I'm working on today...not freaking out. Hopefully, with a little dedication and some luck, I'll be able to move past that fear.

Today's the day...

I get divorced. I cease to be (married name) and regress back to (maiden name).

Now, I thought I was handling this pretty well. I went to go pick up mail from my old house yesterday and ran across the ex. A bit shocking...yes. Also, he didn't know the hearing was tomorrow (cripes). But all in all afterwards I had a good five minute cry and then was in slight freaky-outy mode for the rest of the night.

This morning, I thought I was doing well until I got into work. I don't know if someone sneaks onions into my computer monitors, but for some reason lately, if I'm going to get weepy, it's in front of my computer screen. I know I don't look forward to work lately, but this is ridiculous.

So I freaked. One of my roommates, K, was sweet and sent me a few "you go, girlfriend" and "if you need to get it out, just get it out" emails. Which I appreciated, but I think just added to my insanity. Subconsciously, I think all of a sudden I was required to freak out and get emotional. So I freaked out and got emotional. I texted my other roommate and freaked out on him. We were supposed to have lunch today, but he potentially cancelled because he has work to do and meetings (pushaw). Anyway, after reprimanding him for not being a good friend (seriously, ditching me on D-day?) and generally telling him to shove off, I called him. This is how the conversation went:

R: "Why are you so emotional over this?"
Me: "I dunno. Because this is 'it'. The end of a 14 year relationship."
R: "I thought it was 'it' 8 months ago. What makes this anymore 'it'?
Me: "I dunno."
R: "You're being dumb. Stop being so emotional."
Me: "Damn it, you're right."

Okay, so he didn't literally call me dumb, but that was the essence. After thinking about it for a minute, I determined he's right. There really was no reason for me to go off the deep end. This is it.That's a good thing. There's no reason for me to feel guilty or anxious or sad. I was miserable. I should be celebrating today.

Of course, there's always that little niggle of guilt. I feel like I abandoned my ex and he plays on that as much as he can. But you know what? Fuck that! I supported, and loved, and coddled, and worked my ass off for that relationship! I even acted fairly throughout the whole separation.

So, yeah, I'm doing better now.

Haven't updated lately...

because I'm not sure really what to say or how to say it. I feel as if I'm going through another transitional period in my life. It's a good transitional period, but it's making me feel very self-conscious about myself. First I'll explain everything that has happened in the last few days, just to catch you up. Then I'll go into the emotional whys of everything.

I'll start with Saturday (because that's as far back as I remember).

Saturday was my birthday. 32 years old. I slept in...somewhat...then woke up to my roomies bearing a gift. When I opened it up, I discovered my favorite (and probably least known to many people) movie....Harold and Maude. If you don't know about this movie, it's a dark comedy about the love that blossoms between a young boy and a very old woman. The first thing the roommates said to me was, "It's a love story, you perv." Ah, ha.

The card that came along with it meant a lot to me. It was a typical birthday card, but it was filled with quotes from movies and songs such as "You had us at hello." It was hilarious and sweet. For those of you who don't know, R, K, and I are very close. We're often referred to as the Three Muskateers and it even surprises us how well we get along.

Then K ran out to get doughnuts and I worked on my very first Toastmasters speech. It was an ice-breaker in which I had to explain to the audience who I am. However, I decided to turn things around and talk about who I want to be instead. I was really nervous. I think a lot had to do with the fact that I had to memorize about a page and a half worths of speech and my memory sucks.

At about 3, I gave the speech...very nervously. However, I did receive good reviews. I have another speech scheduled for this weekend. I really need to start working on it.

After that we went to Outback for dinner. They have the best steaks and vegetables there. The crown sang Happy Birthday to me and then we jetted out to go watch R's little brothers play...Dracula: The Musical.

Now if you live in AZ and like campy musicals, I highly suggest this play. The main character, Dracula, did an excellent job. It's only $25 at most, so get your butts over there.

It was R and K, R's brother B and his girlfriend, and two fellow Toastmasters R2 and S. It was great having R2 and S there as they laughed boisterously and this made the play all the more enjoyable. It's never good to watch a comedy with people who don't know how to laugh.

Afterwards we went to a wine bar and sat outside. We conversed and people-watched, then went home and crashed around midnight. All in all it was a good birthday.

However, Sunday, we met up with fellow Toastmaster friends (on unofficial business) at a bar to have breakfast. This certain groups of TMs are good people, but very outgoing and funny. At this point in my life, I've become a bit withdrawn and lately I'm very self-conscious around this group. I almost feel like the tag-along outsider who is always awkward around the group. I just can't seem to let loose around them yet. And it drives me nuts, because I feel like everyone is wondering why the hell I'm there.

So, I'm trying to get myself in the frame of mind to not give a damn. I mean, I give a damn about the people and the group, but quite frankly I need to get out of this bad habit of trying so hard to get people to accept me. If I'm not loud and funny and entertaining right now, I need to be okay with that. I'll get back to that eventually. But, I'm trying to accept myself right now, much less trying to get others to accept me.

Like I said, I'm in transition right now. I'm doing a lot of inward thinking and a lot of just trying to relax and let go. I almost feel like I'm in a struggle with myself between who I want to be and who I think others want me to be. Seriously, I'm 32. Shouldn't I have this figured out by now?

Could life be anymore complicated?

I know, I've been updating like crazy now. But there's a lot going on and I feel inspired again because my friend also started her blog.

So...did I mention my car overheated this weekend and I had to call for repairs? Anyway, 24 hours later after my car getting towed off to the dealership in North Scottsdale, miles away because I have a specialty car, they found it on the lot. Also, 24 hours after not having a car, I finally got someone to agree to get me a rental.

Geesh!!! I was so stressed over this yesterday, I was in tears. Once again emotional Onyx came out. However, I'm feeling much better now and I just have to figure out how to get over there to pick up my rental.

Life has been a bit crazy lately, but you know me...I live off stress.

Oh! And I posted a new strip. I'm hoping to get back into this again. Thanks for all the support guys and I'll be visiting you soon. :-)

Comic strip: www.complicatedcomic.com

Not in a mood today

Ugh! You know how minor things just pile up and piss you off? Well that's the way I feel today.

My car overheated today so I had to call 5 different people to figure out what to do. It's been towed, but no one has gotten back to me and apparently the only person who can tell me where it is, is too freakin busy to answer their phone.

Speaking of people too busy to answer their phones, my friend R has a document of mine that I asked him to email me; which he was supposed to email someone else; and still hasn't gotten back to me.

I have tons of things to do at work, and quite frankly I'm about to break out in tears over it all.

I'm not the same person I used to be, but I think a lot of that stems from the fact that I'm on my own again. Well for the first time. Anyway, which is another point, all of my friends aren't at work today and I don't have my car so I had to walk to Long Wong's and have lunch by myself.

I guess it's not that bad. Oh and my lighter doesn't work. If it weren't for the fact that two of my teammates are gone for the day, I'd go home.

*sigh*

I know, two posts in one day...what?!?!

What a weekend and it isn't even over so far...

Friday we went to a benefit dinner. Meant to raise funds for a historical building, we ate well and enjoyed good company. Not bad. Towards the end of the night, there was an auction. R and I were assigned the task of pointers, while the auctioneer called out bids for marvelous vacation packages. But no one seemed to bid. So what did R and I do? We bid. R and K ended up with a 4 day resort vacation for $50. I ended up with a 5 day resort vacation for $100. I was excited, yet bummed at the same time. I got an awesome deal, but the benefit didn't.

Today, K conducted a training session with Toastmasters (and apparently kicked ass!) while R and I went to go watch my boss race at Firebird. Racing involved driving around cones at high speeds while being timed. I'm totally doing it in my mini next time.

Anyway, after the races we went to Macayos and then R, K, and I headed over to a Toastmasters meeting. I am now not only an official Toastmaster now, I am a VP of PR. (VP of Public Relations). Woo, hoo! More responsibility! Don't get me wrong, I am excited...but very exhausted right now.

Plus I have a few other projects in the works. Hopefully soon that will include another comic strip. Perhaps tomorrow.

Anyway, gotta go. I have a horrendous headache. Take care my loverlies!

I fell in love with an idiot...

The first time I saw him, he was gorgeous. I was enthralled by his sleekness and his ability to impress, but could I engage in a relationship with someone who everyone else loved? His popularity called to me, yet disgusted me at the same time.

I waited and watched and thought, this guy might not be so bad. People see something in him. So I decided to give it a go.

At first he impressed me. He sang to me. And responded to my every touch. He was there for me most of the time and remembered every date I set with him.

But then I realized, he was cute, but horribly stupid.

He could keep dates, but couldn't remember requests. He could remember conversations, but couldn't comprehend images. An worst of all, he could only seem to communicate with a limited amount of others.

Oh iPhone, you're so cute, but so darn dumb.

Two Weeks?

I think that's how long it's been since I last posted. I can remember a time when I posted every day. Twice a day.

So what have I been up to? Everything lately it seems. Let's go back to the last post...

October 19th through 20th
I have been involved in a lot of Toastmasters stuff as a tag-along to my roommate. Actually, I'm an official non-Toastmaster assistant. I've gone to so many meetings and functions, they pretty much treat me as an official Toastmaster. I should be joining an actual club soon, but I digress.

So that weekend the roommates and I headed up for a large Toastmaster conference. R and I ended up working our butts off setting up projection and sound. It was exhausting, yet fun at the same time. Due to the fact that both of us aren't Toastmasters and we worked all weekend, they gave us a special award. Special pin and standing ovation. It was extremely flattering. We received several comments that no one had ever seen any non-Toastmaster receive an award before. It was a very special night.

Aside from working, we did have some fun. Shared some good experiences. Ended up home without taking eachother's heads off. I guess I should mention briefly though that I was a bit irked Sunday night when we got back. I had been invited to go to R's mom's bday bash, and weeks prior I kept on trying confirm this. Five minutes before leaving I was apologized to and informed that I would not be going. Extremely upset to say the least. I had a good talk with R when they got back and resolved the issue though. (I'm trying not to make this a lengthy entry...oops, too late.)

Halloween Parties
Talk about busy. Okay, so Friday night prior to Halloween, we were invited to a Toastmasters Halloween party. I went as Marilyn Monroe, K went as a pregnant prom queen, and R went as another Toastmaster. We started out late. All of us got home late, left late, and hit traffic. Once we got there though, we had tons of fun. I had my glasses off for the first part of the night, and couldn't see anything. There were a bunch of cute costumes. I think the best though was Hugh Hefner and the retired bunnies.

Saturday we went to a house party that an ex-coworker of mine held. There weren't too many people there and I was the DD for that night, so it started off slow. We ended up staying for awhile though, and I started to talking to one guy dressed up as a cowboy. Cowboy Curtis, we tagged him. I thought he was interested, R thought he was interested, K thought he was an idiot. I should have listened to K. Oh well. Blueberry accompanied us too. She was a belly-dancer. It was a great costume for her.

Halloween Night
...was pretty uneventful. K spent tons of time shopping for our new costumes. Unfortunately R had class that night, so we spent the better half of it as his parents house handing out candy as 2/3 of Three's Company. I was Chrissie and K was Janet. It was great!

I think that's about it for now. I am feeling better. Not so schitzo. Not so emotional. Tired though. Geez. Plus I have another event to get to tonight. This is a 1950s themed benefit dinner. But it starts at 5:30 and is an hour away. What's with these people and scheduling things early?!

Songs of my life

Inspired by Rose

In Order by Auto-Biographical

1) Rockin Robin - Jackson 5

This was the first piece of music I ever owned. I received a child's record player from my grandmother as a gift, and with it a few records. I used to play this record over and over. It made me so happy.

2) Loves Me Like a Rock - Paul Simon

My mother sang a lot. This was one of the songs she sang all the time. Pretty much anything folk music she loved. When I hear it today, I still feel like I'm in my mom's arms as a child being rocked back and forth and being sang to.

3) Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler

This was essentially my first publicly performed song. A few friends and I went to the fair and tried our hand at the recording booth. Of course, I butchered it, but to this day I still try to sing it to see if I've gotten any better.

4) If I Could Change The World - Eric Clapton

This was the only song Rob and I could agree to for our wedding dance. Ironically enough, and perhaps I should have taken notice of it, the dj ended up losing all his music and we ended up dancing to some country song instead.

5) All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun - Cheryl Crow

During my brief stint at ASU, this song was on the radio all the time. I used to drive to school each day with the window rolled down and singing at the top of my lungs, in complete agreement with Cheryl.

6) Typical Situation - Dave Mathews

When I worked at a construction company, I had about an hour and a half drive each way every day. I listened to a lot of Dave Mathews and I just thought this song was beautiful. This entire album was great.

9) Father of Mine - Everclear

Anyone who knows me, knows my daddy issues. Whenever this song came on the radio, I would nod my head in agreement and curse my father by singing the lyrics and driving fast.

10) Say It Ain't So - Weezer

"My love is a lifetaker"...need I say more?

11) How To Save A Life - The Fray

This song hit me right as I was leaving Rob and after I left Rob. It reminded me so much of what I had been through. All the angst, the trying...

12) I'm Still Your Fag - Broken Social Scene

I was a little leary of posting this one. Many people might get the wrong impression, but this is essentially the song associated with my closest friend. When I first met him, I thought he was gay. Actually I still wonder. :-)

12) You're Gonna Lose That Girl - The Beatles

I guess now that I'm kind of on the market again, this song is somewhat dedicated to my ex. He should've listened to John.

What amazes me the most...

during this little conversion of my life, is the myriad of phases and emotions I've been going through.

It's kind of been like an 8 month long really bad PMS. I've gone from depressed to estatic to frustrated to clingy to lonely. And all within minutes of eachother. I literally have never had to do anything in my life this difficult.

I have not been myself for the past 8 months. I've been spacey and emotional. It's been...educational.

Hopefully the worst is over. I have not heard from the ex in a few days. There is a bit of relief breaking away from the last of the burden. No more dealing with his bills. No more being horribly broke.

I'll keep you updated.

Wow! It has been awhile

I honestly thought I would update more often than this, but things have been kind of difficult. Let me catch you up...

As of yesterday, I officially told my ex that I am not paying any more of his bills. This means $1300 in mortgage and roughly $300 in utilities. This also means I could potentially lose the house. But, my credit is in the crapper and my bills need to be paid. I figure without paying his expenses, I can get my credit fairly back into good standing by January of next year.

The divorce is still going through. I'm in a waiting period until I can schedule the hearing. It's also our 10 year anniversary today. Hard to believe. Granted we had some good times, but then I also remember the heartache that came with every holiday. Tonight I plan on just relaxing and taking care of myself. No letdowns, no heartache, no expectations of something happening that won't.

Anyway, a bit emotionally drained right now, so I'm going to let you go. Hope all of you are doing well.

You may not hear from me for awhile....

I don't know how to better sum it up than what I wrote my roommates in an email today:

I don’t know. I’m in a conundrum. I’ve been really depressed
lately. And I’ve been trying to work out why that is. I think you were right the
other night. I’m just a personality that needs to be needed. And now, that you
guys are busy and everyone else is busy, I’ve been feeling a little unneeded.
But…

I think it’s good. I think I actually need that. I’ve spent
fifteen years of my life constantly catering to other people’s needs that I have
no idea about my own. Or who I am. I’m thinking what I actually need is the
opposite of what I’ve been trying to accomplish, which is trying to find new
friends, a new boyfriend, finding things to do.

I think what I
actually need is just time alone. Time to rediscover myself and figure out who I
am without trying to provide for others. I’m just not sure how I’m going to
accomplish this considering my plate is so full right now. But what I need is to
just be by myself for awhile.

Or maybe I’m just crazy and looking
for answers anywhere I can find them. I just know that I’m just not myself right
now and I have no idea how to get back there.

Need to expunge

I know it's been a few days, but I really haven't been myself. Extremely emotional. But today is my turning point. I will feel better today. I will get a handle on things.

Okay, I really meant to write more, but I'm getting a bit tired now. And I'm not really sure how to explain all the insanity I've been through in the past few days. Loneliness has certainly played a key part in this.

But today, I feel stronger. Today should be better.

Just can't stand myself lately...

I've become this weak, needy, pouty individual lately. Whatever happened to the strong, independent, so-sure-of-herself Onyx I used to be?

I don't know if I've said this before but divorce plays havoc on everything. Your emotions, your self-esteem, your finances, your complete outlook on life. You become almost the opposite of what you were prior to going through all the crap.

So today, my mantra is: "I'm a strong, independent, smart, creative, funny, beautiful woman who doesn't need others to confirm or supply her self-worth."

Did I mention my best friend isn't at work anymore? Yes, this has gotten to me. But, I'm not going to stand for my self-pity anymore, damn it! I'm going to start moving, getting social, getting vivacious, and proactive.

I can't be this weepy, self-obsessed, depressed little weakling anymore. I have to snap out of this. It's really not healthy.

So no more self-conscious, co-dependent Onyx.

(This thesaurusical entry brought to you by the makers of chocolate, "If you can't afford Xanax, eat your way to happiness.")

That's just a joke. I've actually lost quite a bit of weight. I'm good. I'm good.

Internal Monologue

So, if your crazy like me, you have imaginary conversations in your head. Hey! I'm aware they're imaginary. I have to blame my grandmother. She's the writer in the family, so I frequently imagine conversations with other people throughout the day. I guess these are probably things if I had the cajones to say, I would. But I'm chicken...anyway...

So obviously in some cheesy mood, I started to think:

"You have to understand. I look hard on the outside. Independent and capable and put-together, but on the inside..."

(this is where it goes downhill)

"...well, I guess you could say I'm like an egg. Hard as hell on the outside, but once you get through the exterior, I'm a gooey mess."

(which even I looked at myself funny, as in WTH? You, Ms. Onyx, are weird. The sad thing is...that analogy is completely accurate.)

And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away...

For a few weeks now, I have these random moments in which I have a strong desire to go somewhere. Visuals of me in my Mini Cooper packed up with my cats driving along a road to many places pops into my head at random moments.

The other night I was envisualizing sitting on a California beach at night. Hands under my knees, waves rolling in, wind blowing through my hair, and the relection of the moon in the deep blue in front of me. Just sitting on the sand and experiencing the beauty. I don't think I've actually ever seen the ocean at night except in movies. I would like to do that...soon.

Earlier today I came across pictures of places I have a great desire to visit. These are ancient cities, relics, monuments of the great past. I want to visit these places more than say some museum or cheesy tourist attraction. These beautiful buildings nestled in nature...that's where I want to be. Someday...

Can you identify whats wrong with this picture?

Take a closer look if you can't see it...

Yes, as my friend Karrie so aptly noticed...at the local grocery store they've placed the sugars next to the diabetics food section. Oooo, harsh.

How did we end up in this section and actually noticing this? Well one of my best friends has been diagnosed as Type II diabetic. Actually it's not too much of a change for him yet. He'll have to watch his carbs, take a twice daily blood reading, and start to take pills. Unfortunately the day we decided to get all healthy food in the house, he also noticed that a certain ice cream brand is now carrying fried ice cream flavored ice cream. Oh cruel world!!!

It's only been two days?

Seriously...I feel like it's been a week since I last posted.

I finally found out why I've been feeling like crap. It was only a matter of time, I suppose. What, with all the stress and everything going on in my life.

So the past two days my throat has been getting this tickle. I've been coughing a lot more recently, but I figured it was from my chain smoking the last few days (hey, it's been stressful). So last night, it bugs me even more. I go to bed, then wake up gasping for air at about 3 a.m. Talk about freaked out. I'm amazed that I even went back to sleep after that little scare. Wake up this morning, and I feel like hell. My throat is bugging me, I switch off between dizzy and tired, not to mention I was cowering over the ole porcelain throne this morning. Ugh! So obviously I've caught some kind of bug. If it persists more than a few days, I'll visit the doctor. I'm suspicious that it's allergies or perhaps strep.

Anyway, the ex has been pretty decent the last few days. After our little Friday debacle, he texted me to let me know he got the papers. He called the mortgage company to say it would be okay for me to take over the house. The only issue is I called them yesterday, submitted my application, and the guy said he would get back to me with options. I haven't heard from him since, so I think I've provided him with quite the case. Things haven't been easy since the seperation and now I'm 1/2 the buying power I used to be. So cross your fingers for me.

Other than that, doing well. Just trying to get through the day without going home sick, but I feel it's probably inevitable. Thanks for all the kind comments. I'll be sure to visit soon. :-)

Oh...My....God....

I'm so freakin tired, but quite honestly I think I'm just coming down from everything. Let me recap this weekend...

Friday, I finally did it. I finished my divorce papers. I drew it up in a fashion that I thought was both fair and equitable (my favorite term for the month) for both of us. I dragged my friend Karrie down to the courthouse then stood in shock. Not only from the fact that I was finally doing it, but that it was so freaking easy. Well that part at least. The part where you hand over the documents you've been stressing over for months, only to have some clerk quickly stamp and hand them back to you after you fork over $300.

So...after I filed for divorce, Karrie and I started Step #2. We deliberated for a good half hour over how to deliver the divorce papers to my husband. Don't believe the movies. While you can serve summons through a process server, you also have the choice to just hand them personally over (and then wait for them to go notorize the acceptance), or you can have them sent certified mail (at least in Arizona).

I wanted to be nice...really I did. I called up the ex and told him I had filed. He freaked. At first he said he was going to contest it then he started muttering about "whatever". Then I asked if he wanted to meet me at a bank to have it notarized, but he just wanted me to leave the papers at the house. Well, I want to get this all done as soon as possible...we made agreements about the house and I just want it all processed. So I sent him the divorce papers certified mail. I haven't heard from him since Friday and UPS already tried to deliver the papers but apparently he wasn't home.

Seems like there's always going to be something to worry about. Him accepting the delivery. Him not contesting the divorce. Him calling the mortgage people, me getting my loan, me paying off the debts...

However, I am a little excited. If he doesn't contest it and we can move in relatively soon, we saw some really nice kitchens at Ikea the other day. Karrie believes it will cost us about $10k to redo the entire house. I hope so. I might be able to just afford it.

Anyway, exhausted today. My good buddy and comrade started his new job today. I'm without break buddy, but I really am excited for him. I love new opportunities. I just want Karrie to be happy now.

*sigh*

Well another day, I better get back to work. Take care all!

Emotional Entry

Most times, right before I start typing, I sit and deliberate in front of my keyboard if I really want to post what I'm feeling at the moment. I feel it's important to get my emotions out and share what I'm going through...a bit of an exorcism. However, I also know by the end of the entry I'll be crying my eyes out. It's almost like searing a wound to close it up. It'll feel like a bitch while it's being done, but you feel a whole lot better after the fact.

A lot has been going on in my life right now. My closest work and home bud is getting ready to leave me (at work.) As an adult this should be a bit disheartening, but as a emotionally-fucked up person, I'm really dreading the breaks and lunches without one of my closest confidantes.

Also, this friend recently received some news about his health the other day. It's not fatal, but certainly life-altering. It was a bit of a shock, but it can be managed.

My other closest friend is going through some stressful times herself. In the process of looking for another job, and dealing with her boyfriend's issues, I'm certain it gets to her. She's been incredibly busy, yet she still finds the time to pull me out of my funk.

Which brings me to the most stressful situation in my life at the moment. I spoke to a lawyer, he said we could proceed with our plans as long as we're both in agreement about it. I just have to draft up the papers and submit them. Then that will be it. I don't know if I'll be able to keep the tears from coming as I walk into the courthouse and submit the paperwork to end a 14 year relationship officially. To add salt to the wound, you have to pay $300 for it as well. I'm fearful that the clerk will look up at me and say, "Are you sure honey, cause you look awfully distraught."

Of course, I'll be sure. Of anything in my life, I deliberated over this choice the most. I'm certainly miserable at the moment, but still not as miserable as I was. At least at this point in my life, I know there's hope for something better. Change. Even if I don't feel very hopeful at the moment.

Aside from all of this though, and I'm being quite openly honest about something that irks me more than anything, sometimes the most heart-wrenching thing of going through all of this, is going through all of this alone. I know I have my friends. I have my family. And they (you) have all been awesome.

Yet...I was married for 10 years. In a serious relationship for 14. Granted it was no cake walk, but I miss the good parts. When you're with someone, no one cares about you more than that someone. You're not an afterthought. They get little wrinkles in they're forehead from worry over how you're doing. You have secret jokes. Share secret glances. When you're not feeling good, they do everything in their power to help you. They tell you how wonderful you look today. They tell you they missed you. They touch you, embrace you, hug you, snuggle with you. Human touch should never be taken for granted. I miss that the most. Nothing compares to it. Not a pet. Not a teddy bear. Not a big fluffy pillow.

More than anything, I miss that. I didn't have much of it when I was married, but God I miss that.

And some days, I sit out on the patio and I tell myself that I don't need that. That I'm a big girl now. That I need to learn to live without that before I can have that again.

I'm such a liar.

Brain has checked out...

One thing I'm hoping that will occur after the finalization of my divorce is the return of my mental faculties. I've been so emotional and spacey and retarded since all this has been going on. It occupies my brain a majority of the time.

As well as the divorce, I've been worried about my friends and finances and work. I think my brain is overflowing with everything. It's just pushing my common sense and listening skills right out the door.

Example: Kris, Karrie and I went to lunch. When Karrie dropped us off at work again, Kris realized he didn't have his phone. So he called Karrie from my phone and asked her to look around the car to see if he had left it there. When she called back, the reasonable thing to do is just hand the phone over to Kris...but no...I wasn't thinking...so I answered the phone....awkward moment...Me: "Did you find it?"...Her: (silence) "Uh, yeah"...Me: "Ummm, do you want to speak to him?"....Her: "Uh, yeah."

I know...not that big of a deal, but stupid and I keep beating myself up about this kind of stuff. I'm really sensitive right now, so most of my conversations with people are followed up with me obsessing over analyzing the conversation for the next hour or so hoping I didn't piss anyone off.

*sigh*

Admittedly Hiding Out

My mother and grandmother are wonderful human beings. And granted I had three days off this weekend, but I just wanted to hole away at home again. I feel like I should have visited them, but I just wanted to park my butt on the couch and zone out to video games and movies with my friends. I did get some things accomplished this weekend: went to the lake, drew up some papers relating to the divorce...

This whole divorce is just exhausting me. I feel like I don't want to visit anyone or do anything until it gets resolved. We did find an alternative solution, but may not be able to do it until the divorce is finalized, which is aggravating, but oh well. Anything worth doing, is worth not rushing, I suppose.

I've had a lot of thoughts and emotions running through me lately, but just haven't had the energy to put them down to paper, or rather blog.

So I'm going to sign off here.

Mad Update

Only because I really don't have the time, but I want to get my 5 Positive Things in and while I'm at it, a breif update would be good.

So....

Things have been going well, but I had a 1:1 with my boss today and I think she thinks I'm wigging. She keeps asking me if everything is okay and wanted to meet with me twice today. Will have to ask about that. Granted I'm a bit scattered today, and have no idea why, but I'll be okay.

5 positive things:
1. My hair looks great today. Already received two compliments and one from a random person. Crazy!
2. While I don't like to think about it, ex is going to get money from his grandmother's will. So this means freedom for me if he can manage it well. At least a temporary reprive from bills.
3. I got a cartoon out yesterday. I really need to do these more often, but that's not the point of this post.
4. My boss has confirmed training will occur in the beginning of next year. This is well-received and about darn time!
5. I'm excited about doing Toastmasters soon. Also, maybe doing Weight Watchers soon too with my roommate. This would be awesome as I really suck at doing stuff alone...well...most stuff. ;-)

Anyway, hope everyone is doing well.

Funny

A friend of mine sent me this one. It was too funny not to share:

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in
her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your
butt?"

I have all intention of working...

but my heart just isn't in it.

I just have so many things going on personally. (I guess that's a first.)

Went to a Toastmaster's meeting with Karrie yesterday. I was having so much fun even though I'm not a member. Was taking notes and really getting into it. In the notes I sent Karrie, I admitted that I would love to be one of her assistants. I think I've reached a point in my life where I need to be challenged again...and not just by finances.

The weekend was good. Helped Karrie with another Toastmasters event. It was a lot of work but a lot of fun too.

Hopefully tonight I can get around to doing another comic. Karrie called out sick today and I'm extremely envious. Quite frankly, Kris called out yesterday, so I went home early to tackle some personal issues (I have everything pointing to my personal bank account now because the ex keeps taking money out of mine), so eventually I just said screw it and ended up working from home the rest of the afternoon. I may do that today too. I love my job.

My roommates are exhausting me!

Okay, well it's not that bad...but we have been going out for dinner just about every night. Plus the whole weekend is booked. I have things to do, but quite honestly not the oomph to do them.

Anyways, last night was fun but tiring. Got home, and Kris immediately had a conniption fit. His XBox died. The red ring of death showed up. So he borrowed my phone to call Microsoft, and waited on hold for a freaking hour. I know it was an hour because we had the phone on speaker and the minutes were counting off on the display. Last time I checked it, it said: 00:53:49. And we still had to wait after that.

Unfortunately while we were on hold, Karrie called. I offerred to take them both out to dinner but we had yet to set a place or time. The first call came through and Kris didn't recognize the number, so he continued to wait on hold with M$. When the next call came through we wondered what was up and answered it (thank God for automatic call waiting). After rushing Karrie through the call (which I felt really bad about because she had been trying to get ahold of us, both of her cell phones were dead and she was about to leave work); we quickly switched over to the other line...and found out we were still on hold.

Finally Kris got in touch with them, they tried a few things, then threw their hands up in the air and told him to ship the unit. This is the best part. This is a known issue with the XBox, so shipping is free, the repair is free and they're giving him a gift card for his time. Katamari here we come!

Okay, so we head out at the last minute to meet Karrie at the resteraunt. It was a place I had never been to before but had coupons for (yes, I'm that kind of person). I was expecting something much different. It was a loud sports bar, but with plenty of eye candy.

After finishing our meal (which apparently was delish because I finished everything on my plate), we spotted the guy who sold us our cars. Nice guy. Stinky adorable. We went to say hi, then Kris started asking him about some check of his they were supposed to cash. Karrie and I admonished him, then said our goodbyes and walked out the door.

Next on the agenda? Wal-Mart. Karrie has a large contest to put on Saturday, and had to get lots of prizes. So we ended up browsing the store for a good amount of time. I was tired, her ankle was hurting, and Kris had to meet us back at the store because I had his house key. She did buy my a really cute Beatles t-shirt though. Can't beat those Wal-Mart prices.

We get home, I crash, Kris cruises the internet, and Karrie is cursing her computer. I tried to help her with it but to no avail. So I gave up around 11, read two pages of the new book I got from Wal-Mart and then slept. I was incredibly tempted to call in today. I'm so tired. But I have way to much to do.

So...5 positive things for the day:
1. I didn't do so badly on my diet yesterday. Granted I pigged out last night for dinner, but most of the day I was pretty good.
2. I have money again, even if shortly.
3. My weekend is all booked up of fun stuff to do.
4. I think the sales guy likes me. He keeps on pressuring us to come by for a free car wash. It's always nice to get attention from a cute guy.
5. Breakfast was free today. A vendor brings in bagels every Friday. I love me some bagels.

Yesterday...

was pretty uneventful other than getting money from the ex finally. I figured out my finances last night, and things are pretty tight for the next couple of weeks.

But all in all, last night was pretty uneventful. I had about an hour to myself. First, the third roomy came over to visit (he's currently housesitting, so he doesn't live with us right now.) Then I spent about half an hour watching the end of Cape Fear. Then Karrie came home, we got Taco Bell, then watched Kathy Griffin reruns.

Oddly enough we stayed up until about 11. Time just flies by. We did have a short celebration for Kitty. It was her adoption birthday, so the roomies broke out with the cans of tuna.

5 things I'm grateful for today:
1. I resisted the temptation of a calorie-laden breakfast.
2. It seems I made my deposit quick enough to the bank as I haven't incurred insufficient funds fees...yet (cross your fingers).
3. The boss is out today, which hopefully will make my day a little less stressful. She's a great boss but everytime I seem to finish a project, she sends me two more.
4. I'm driving my little mini today. I always have fun driving that.
5. The realtor finally sent me the listing of things to improve around the house, so perhaps this weekend I'll tackle that.

Just some pics of me having fun to offset all the negativity

This is Karrie and me, having fun with posing right before going out. We made Kris take our picture a billion times before taking it over and taking the lower pic.

Discouraged

Just when you think things can't get any worse...

Okay, maybe it's not that bad. It's just finances. Seriously, I work hard for my money. But supporting my ex is killing me.

He told me that he got paid today, but it's only enough to cover one utility bill. Or half of one utility bill and something else. A bit discouraged by that.

I found out his new job is selling cars. So, who knows how much will be coming in. I'm thinking at best the same amount I'm getting today, twice a month. At best, who knows. If he sells cars well (which quite honestly, he's always been a good salesman), then hopefully things will improve until the house sells.

I really don't want to give up on this house. I'm probably being stubborn, but it's hard to just throw away something you worked so hard for. I need to stop getting frustrated with myself too as I really didn't do anything to put myself in this situation (other than be a doormat), but I refuse to punish myself mentally for being a good samaritan. It's just not within my nature.

Okay, time to get proactive and positive:

5 things to appreciate
1. Even though things seem insurmountable, things will get better. He'll be getting some pay, which is better than the $0 I have been getting from him.
2. Nothing stays the same. Something is bound to happen to improve.
3. I am not without options. Although I'd rather not have to make these decisions, I have several options open to me, from severing all ties and saying screw it all to taking out a house loan and paying a whole bunch of stuff off.
4. I have been practising my guitar a lot more lately and making progress. I can play two songs (very slowly) now and starting to learn my third. This is something I've always wanted to do and now I am acheiving it.
5. Actually, I could say a few things here. Not all things are bad in my life. I have great friends, my family, a good home, a good job. My health...sorta...need to start excerising more. But then again I need to stop saying 'shouldas' too.

Time to catch up

It feels like it's been a month since I updated. I know I haven't been a very good co-blogger, but I really do appreciate all of your comments and support.

I know this weekend wasn't really busy, but I sure feel like it was. Let me think back....

Friday, we went out for dinner, I know that...but darned if I remember, oh wait....that's right, we went to El Paso. This is what happens when you get older. The memory starts to fade. Anyway, I remember complaining because I'm low on funds, and the roomies have been taking me out for food...a lot. Soon I'm going to end up looking like a whale. So I just had a side salad, some suateed mushrooms and one potato skin. Man, was I full!

Saturday, my female roomie, I really need to name her...I'll use her cartoon name, Karrie, had a convention to go to, so Kris and I were left on our own. I remember...not much. Seriously, this is an issue. Let me go over what I do remember...yesterday.

Yesterday, Karrie had to work, so I got up and made them breakfast (not unusual because I'm usually not hungry in the a.m. but feel bad that the poor girl has to work so much.) After she left, Kris played video games and I cleaned up a bit. I had grabbed my dvd player (on Saturday, ahhhh, it's all coming back now), and had to set it up. Looking in my room, I had a lot of furntiure but not much room to work with. After staring at the peices for probably a good half hour, I finally found a configuration I was comfortable with.

After moving things around for awhile, Kris' brother came over and hung out for awhile. We ran out and shopped and ate and just in general had a good time. When we got back, Karrie had also returned in dire need of Thai food (I'll get to that later.)

We had found out earlier that Kris' little brother was in the market for a car. He wants to spend $3000, but doesn't know how to drive a manual. After much looking, Karrie finally jumped up and told the little brother to follow her. Bless her heart, she was going to teach him how to drive stick....in their new VW Jetta Turbo. That girl really surprises me sometimes.

Unfortunately we never found a car good enough, but we'll keep looking.

The Thai food? Oddly enough, this is Ms. Karrie's favorite comfort food. I picked up on this earlier. Whenever she would have a trying day, I would stand up and declare it was time for Thai food. lol After months, I found out Kris' weakness too...Prime Rib. Oddly enough, I don't really have a comfort food. About the closest you will get is Baskin Robbins mint chocolate chip ice cream...just a cup though.

Anyway, I digress. Some things are getting better. Some a little more difficult to deal with.

Karrie told me about a neat little trick for a better outlook on life. It's to list 5 positive things each day. I'm going to try to remember to do this, starting today:

1. I'm grateful for goods friends who are not only willing to move to a new apartment with me, take in my cats, put up with my funky days, and listen to me karaoke; but also take care of me when I'm disgusted with my finances and can't afford a QT taquito much less an entire dinner.
2. I'm grateful that my mother is doing better and while although she has to return to the hospital today, still has a good outlook on life. I'm truly grateful that she's still with us.
3. I'm grateful that I finally got off my butt and rearranged my room to something that works for me.
4. I'm grateful that I still have a job to go to and lots of opportunity to still grow.
5. I'm grateful that while although times are a bit difficult today, I know they'll get better.

Not sure why I'm having such a difficult day today

First of all, it's not easy being semi-single. Quite frankly I'm the type that attaches myself to one or two close friends and beyond that, I don't have much of a life. So when those friends find something else to do, I'm at a loss. I think partly I need to make my room a little more Amy friendly. My desk doesn't have much space, and my bed isn't the best for chilling. My cats leave hair all over the place too, which is a bit uncomfortable.

Anyway, I think part of it is also the stress and the workload. Workwise, I have two projects due today. One is very difficult, but I'm sure I'll get it finished.

Personally, well...finances aren't great. Still paying a lot of bills that the ex kind of left out there. Therefore, my spending money isn't much. For once, the roommates have an excess of cash, so it's difficult watching them spend on stuff they want and need, while I'm trying to figure out how to make $60 work for a week and a half (til next paycheck).

I lowered the price on the house, however the ex hasn't been keeping that up very well. What little there is left of the yard, hasn't been well kept and it's difficult to try to sell a house when the grass is knee deep. Plus, I found out the air conditioning isn't working....well. I need to get the warranty people out there to try to fix it. But I have no money.

I want to file the divorce papers, but frankly I haven't had the time to draw them up myself yet. Also, it will cost me $575 to get someone to look over it and file. Money, once again, I don't have.

All in all, I'm just overwhelmed. Much to do, and all I want to do is hide under the covers and sleep. I'm sick and tired of handling everything.

And lastly, although not that big of a deal...I work with my closest friend. Unfortunately, odds are that he's going to have another job here soon. This means no more breaks and lunch with him. I'm tired of losing friends at work and then having to make new ones. Guess I'll be turning into a workaholic here soon.

Things will get better. Just going to take some time.

Not Sure...

well I guess of anything anymore. Having an emotional day today.

Yahoo Launchcast really should have a "Songs NOT about relationships" channel.

BTW, did a new comic but having problems with the homepage. Here it is:

A bit of a bad day

So this weekend, my roomy and I purchased new cars.



This is my little beauty. Isn't she adorable? 2006 Mini Cooper.

Anyway, yesterday didn't seem like an unusual day when I woke up. Little did I know....

All weekend long I was trying to track down a supposed check cashed on my bank account for $400. Had no idea where it came from. There was nothing I could remember cutting a $400 check for that hadn't already cleared. I had my suspicions.

So I called up the bank on my way to work. Come to find out that it wasn't a check. It was a withdrawal. I started to get angry and racked my brain on the off chance that perhaps I took out $400 and forgot. Nope. So there was only one other conclusion. My ex.

I called him three times. Then bitched him out. See...I have been paying mortgage on a house I don't live in, utilities for air conditioning, electricity, trash, and gas I don't use, a cell phone bill for a phone I don't talk on. After all these things I took care of for him, he took money from my (okay well legally our) account.

I bitched him up and down. He left me no money until my next paycheck, which is at least a week off. Then I promised him that I would be opening my own account that he would have no access to.

Get through that, get off work, go to the car dealership to get gas for my new car...and they tell me that the bank quoted the wrong payoff on my vehicle and I owe another $500 up front. Seriously?!? Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but I seem to have lost $400 overnight. So after stressing, I agree (because I love that car), sign the promissory note and head out.

Come home. Eat dinner. Have to work. Get a text message.

The ex lost a dog. WTF?

Thank God he found him later, but I've just about reached max patience with everything.

Well I have to go. Work to do. Hope this finds you all much better than me.

Freezing my ass off

But that is besides the point. I seem to be undergoing a slight metamorphisis.

My mind seems to volley back and forth between feeling alone because I'm not in a relationship, to not wanting a relationship until I can feel fine not being in a relationship.

However, I do seem to have this confidence about me lately. I'm somewhat single, in my thirties, successful, able to pay bills (even if a bit strapped at the moment). I'm fairly decent looking. Keeping my room clean. Have a nice new car (oh yeah, I got a new car...2007 Toyota Camry LE...love it.)

I was at my mom's the other day. My grandmother gave me a big hug and told me how proud she was of me. Me...the succesful career woman of the family now apparently. I kind of twitty-headed on that one.

Me? Successful? Career-woman? You mean like all those grown up women I see in the movies and on television? Wait...let me think this over.

Nice job? Check.
Good pay? Check.
401K and insurance? Check.
Nice car? Check.
Good hair and manicured nails? Check.
House? (Hmmm, check yet uncheck)
Good friends and fun times? Check.

Anyway, taking stock off my life, I realized that I finally made it. I'm a thirty year old woman, settled in her career, just enjoying life now that I've worked all that time to secure myself a comfortable living. I work. I've taken up guitar. I go out with friends. I'm somewhat settled in my ideals and opinions. And I'm just enjoying all I worked for.

Not sure where else I'm going with this other than to say, "Thank God, ma. I finally made it. I can finally relax."

Looks harder than it is

I was laying in bed the other night, tons of thoughts drifting in and out, and somehow I started to think about death. I was thinking how much easier it is now that she has passed. I wondered why that was and immediately came to the conclusion that it was the dying part that was so difficult. Death, in itself, was the easiest part to get through.

She didn't suffer for long. She was in the hospital for about two months. After the surgery, it was only a couple of days until she passed. It was sitting there, watching her, seeing her fragile and hooked up to tubes and monitors, that was so difficult.

As a christian, I never understood grieving over the death of a loved one. Certainly not wanting them to suffer would be acceptable...but as a christian, isn't death supposed to be a joyous occasion? This is the time we've all been waiting for. Being reunited with loved ones, no suffering, answers to all the big questions.

Her funeral is this Saturday. It'll be an awkward occasion to say the least. All of my in-laws will be there. I feel mixed emotions about it. The funeral is really more for the living than the dead. She's already passed. What lays in the coffin is nothing but a shell.

The selfish part of me doesn't want to go. But the logical part of me knows I have to. I have to show my respect. Give my condolensces. Talk to people I haven't talked to since I left my husband. If anything, it's just a show. Any words, any feelings I have towards my grandmother-in-law could be said or done from anywhere.

This may sound callous. But I'm not an emotional person. Well, except for fear. I do fear going to the funeral. I fear the uncomfortableness of it all. The inability to find the right words to say to people. Knowing that when I go up to the coffin, I'll want to talk to her but most likely won't because I don't want anyone else to be involved in the conversation I have with her.

So what I would probably say on Saturday, but won't, I'll say now:

"Although you were a grandmother-in-law, you will always be my grandmother. I wish we could have spent more time with you. Wish we could have given you the time and care that none of us seemed able to give. Thank you for treating me as part of the family. Thank you for never looking at me as an outsider."

Thank God for friends

When I woke up yesterday, I was an emotional mess. I didn't want to talk to anyone in fear that I would start bawling. So, rather than handle my emotions like an adult, I avoided my roommates except for a few curt words indicating that I was still going to work and get a move on.

I rushed down to my car, started the engine, and then avoided eye contact as both of them walked down. R, the male roomy, plopped down in the car and started asking questions you'd expect him to ask. "Are you okay? Are you sure youw ant to go to work? Talk to me."

I drove up to our work and was fully expecting to drop him off without our usual morning cigarette before heading off to QT. But he gave me that look that said I wasn't the best person to be making my own decisions right now. So, I parked the car, got out, and plopped myself on the bench.

I couldn't look him in the eye, so I bowed my head down avoiding social interaction, but at the same time berating myself for being such a bitch. Then he sat down next to me, and started cracking jokes. He tried everything within his power to try to get me to cheer up. It was a pitiful attempt, but it worked.

So I continued the rest of my work day in a mix of emotions. I received a text message from my ex that they were taking grandma off life support. Then two hours later that she had passed. At this time, I bundled up my stuff and walked outside to ponder life and kill my lungs.

The other roommate, K, at that time called me. She had already cancelled her plans for that night to spend time with me. Popular opinion was that I was best not left alone and for once, I wholeheartedly agreed. As soon as she got to our work, we hopped in my car, got dinner, then headed back home.

At this point I was numb. I wasn't sure what to think or feel.

After we arrived home, all hell broke loose. K would crack a joke, then I would continue it. By the time R got back home, we were giggling like schoolgirls and all maudlin thoughts were gone for the moment. I was laughing so hard, I was almost crying.

Later that night, both of them admitted that they were worried about me. They had stayed up last night worried that I would be okay. In the morning, K had searched the apartment making sure I had gotten home okay. Just knowing that made me feel a lot better.

I still feel like I'm on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster. At this point, there is no logic behind what will set me off. I feel the tears welling up sometimes, but for today I'm able to control it a little better.

Tonight we're supposed to go to a bar with R's family. I'm going to get stinkin drunk and perhaps sing grandma one last song.

My grandmother-in-law dies today

I had no clue. Apparently she's been in the hospital in serious condition for about two months now. A few days ago, she went through surgery. However, after the surgery her vital organs have been slowly shutting off one by one.

Yesterday afternoon, I received a text message from my (ex)husband. He told me that she's been on life support, but her wishes are not to take any extra measures to keep her alive. So the family has been keeping her on life support until everyone can say their goodbyes.

Late last night, I finally found out what hospital she was at. It was about half an hours drive, which at 11 p.m. was fine. Well semi-fine. Half of the trip there, I was in tears. And doing 80. I kept thinking to myself how ironic it would be if I crashed the car and instead of one death this week, there would be two.

I got to the hospital and my (ex)husband, his uncle, and niece were already at her bedside. She had all kinds of tubes going in and coming out of her. I must say though, I've seen a lot worse. The hospital was nice as well as the staff.

It was awkward being there with the ex's family and the ex. He kept on looking at me, and while I wanted to give him consolation I was in no position to give it. Grandma woke a few times. Everytime she opened her eyes, her son and granddaughter rushed to the bed. This happened about five times. I let them say hello to her, as they flew in from Seattle and I live only an hour's drive away. I wished she could have seen that I was there though. There was no, "and your other grandson and granddaughter are here." While I know it wasn't time for pettiness, I just wished one of those times he could have made a half turn and mentioned we had both visited.

At one point, they all went to the cafeteria, while I offerred to watch grandma. I rubbed her hand and looked at her nails. The nail polish had mostly rubbed off, and all I could think was, "I wish I could paint her nails right now. She loved getting her hair and nails done."

Clasped in her hand was a picture of her late husband. Years later and her dying thoughts are of reuniting with her loved ones. It was beautiful. Oddly enough I think her consolation will probably be ours too. Her clasping that picture tightly is an indicator that she's ready. She's not afraid. That she believes she's going somewhere better.

When my ex returned, I bade my farewell. Had I stayed any later I would have run myself off the road from exhaustion. On the way home, I was rolling down windows, blasting the a/c, and shouting out street names, just to keep awake.

My roommates had called earlier around 11. I had texted them back a few times later in the night, but received no responses back. I really hadn't expected it. It had been a long day, we all had work in the morning. I had already declined their company before leaving, but honestly I don't know if that was the best idea. Some moments I was grateful they weren't there, and others I desperatly needed them. And I only had my stubborness to blame.

When I arrived home, the apartment was pitch black. I just kind of stared into space, not knowing what to do first, or even sure I had the energy to do anything. So I kind of kept busy smoking a cigarette, laying out the new comforter on my bed, rearranged my bedroom, changed into my pajamas, then fell on my bed to fall into a teary slumber.

This morning wasn't any better. I felt bitter and emotional. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to close up and be left alone. But a part of me still wanted to reach out, hug and be hugged. I think a large part of me still fears to care anymore. There's still a little girl inside of me that is sure it's inevitable to always get my heart broken. So I hole up inside, tell myself to be tough, and then just hope for numbness.

It's horribly ridiculous and immature, but we seem to be a slave to our emotions.

Who knows what today will bring. I have already bought a box of Kleenex for my desk and wait patiently by my phone waiting for word on her condition. I'm half tempted to just go in an paint her nails. Tell her that she's handling this much better than I. And then wait for that moment when she's no longer with us.

I'm a big girl now.

So, the roomies will be celebrating their 2.5 year anniversary soon (they would've celebrated their 2 year one, but unfortunately they were busy moving because of me.) They have chosen to go out of town for the weekend, which is going to leave little old me all alone in the apartment.

My first response to this was a little teary. And then I thought, "This is stupid, you're a big girl, you handle one weekend by yourself."

Then I responded to myself, "Don't be so hard on yourself. Not only have you only been alone only one week in your entire life; this will be the first time absolutely alone by yourself, as a (semi)single girl. It's natural that your freaking."

Actually, I think considering the circumstances, I'm handling it well. I'm thinking I'll relax, go out and have fun, chill with the dog. It'll probably end up being very good for me. Plus, it'll ease me into moving out and living on my own eventually.

Of course, it doesn't help that out of all the days to be emotional for the past two weeks at least, this is the day. Yes, I'm a bit emotional, but today compared to my other "emotional" days is like comparing a science fair project to Pompeii. Very light indeed.

Where have all the bloggers gone?

It looks like I'm not the only one to be posting less. Although I do have a few blog friends that seemed to have disappered altogether. What the heck?

I haven't been posting lately just because I wasn't feeling well last week. I took a couple of sick days. I mean...serious sick days. The ones where I don't even attempt to make it into work and even boss knew better because I didn't get one phone call the entire time I was out.

I am feeling better now. But life has been pretty much non-eventful. Just been relaxing at home. Gorging myself on fast food. And getting addicted to yet another video game. Well two actually. My roommate and I have been playing hours of Brain Academy for the wii. I would highly suggest this game to anyone. It's loads of fun.

They also introduced me to Katamari. While this game on the surface looks supremely confusing, it's actually quite fun. You roll over things and make massive balls of junk that can include books, trees, farm animals, people, the list goes on.

I do have some other news, but it'll have to wait for later. It's one of those things that's more exciting for me than anyone else, so it's no biggie. It can wait.

Hmmmm, other than that? Not much. I did purchase (unfortunately) The Fountain. Horrible movie. Oddly enough Ghost Rider was better than The Fountain. Wasn't expecting that one.

I have been feeling better lately. Part of the reason why I allowed myself to play Brain Academy for hours on end is because my mental faculties have been subpar lately. Even my boss has noticed. But after playing that for an entire weekend, I seemed to have boosted my brain power and have been right on task again.

Well I have to get back to work now. Take care fellow bloggers. I'll visit you soon.

Been a bit under the weather

I seem to have caught something. My status of being ranged from headaches, congestion, nausea, and just outright exhaustion all weekend.

When Monday came, I was incredibly tempted to call out sick (which in a normal world I would have done), but I have scads of reports due asap. On top of coming in while feeling like complete and utter shit, my boss made a comment about my lack of OT last week. I had to remind her that I was sick last week and took a few hours here and there. I didn't get a response back.

Now my boss is usually awesome, but she's been under the gun lately too. But it's really pisses me off that I can't take this time off while I'm feeling like crap. This is ridiculous.

I'm also getting sick and tired of being expected to put in OT on a regular basis. Especially now that I can't work from home. And I'm sick. WTH?

New Beginnings

So as I was sitting there at the school campus waiting for R to finish enrolling for his classes, it hit me. Both R and K are going to be going to school and working ot, getting involved in things that take up their time at night. So where does that leave me?

A bit of fear struck me as I realized, "I'm going to have to do something. Or get stuck at home all night by myself staring at the clock wondering why on earth I'm so dependent on other people's schedules."

So, I start to think, what on earth can I do? I could teach, but quite frankly that scares the crap out of me. Another serious committment in my life, although brings in money, means I would have to actually know the subject I am teaching and be wholly dedicated to update my knowledge in those areas. I'm not smart enough for that. I know my sql, but thats about it. And I certainly don't know the latest and greatest.

I could go back to school. But that requires either more loans or money out of pocket (that quite frankly I don't have.)

I could continue to do my comic strip. Hmmm, actually that does take up quite a bit of time and could be lucrative if I apply myself. We'll put that one aside for the moment.

I could take up quilting....bah, ha, ha, ha, ha. No...in all seriousness...

I could volunteer. Actually I could volunteer teach. I have been wanting to do this for quite some time. I just need to get out there and find someone who needs a teacher.

But I can't just stagnate. I was watching R get everything prepared for classes. And I was meloncholy. I loved going to school. I loved being active, doing schoolwork, having something to do. And quite frankly, now what?

I'm a semi-divorced, 30 year-old woman living with roommates who have a life. My next big goals were to have kids. So what does a career woman (wow, yes, I said career woman...still boggles my mind to say that) do with all the extra time on her hands?

Weekend was good...

Another relaxing weekend that I don't want to return to work from.

I guess the first day to start off with would be Thursday actually. Thursday night we went to go watch the roommates band, 'Me and Joanna' at a bar. They started at 8. We didn't stay long as the other roommates weren't feeling well. But we watched their show and they did pretty good. Listening to them practice and knowing the newer songs from the old, you can really tell in the performance. The songs were good, but some a little more finished than others.

Friday K took my car in as theirs had started acting up on her. So R and I took their car into work (which gave us no hassle for the half a block he drove it). However, by the time lunch had come around, we got into the car and it wouldn't start. We tried for about five minutes to get that thing going, but it only made it about 5 feet. After reparking it again, we gave up and sat in the heat for an hour and then finally decided to order in.

Friday night, I went out with an old friend, Blueberry. We went to First Friday, a local event that showcases artists and bands by opening up the streets and local galleries for pedestrians to walk through. After walking around for about an hour, we headed over to a local bar. Played a few games. Fended off the locals. Then headed home. Once I got home, just slightly drunk, I played Wii with the roommates then headed off for snooze land.

Saturday was spent just kicking back and playing Wii. Until that night where we had a slight incident. For a month now the roommate has been talking about going to either the Aquabat concert or the Morrissey concert. In addition to the Aquabats being a great band, the roommates old band was also opening for them. So what a dilemma. Anyway, come Saturday night I ask what the plans are. He shrugs it off and essentially says he may not be going. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I throw a fit. A hissy fit. I walk around a while, have a cigarette, then tell him, "Fine. If you don't want to go, I'll go to a movie."

The rommates were pretty nice about it. I acknowledged that I was being pissy and that I didn't want them to go just because I was being a raving bitch about it. But here's my point. You talk about it for well over a month. 'I've' been talking about it well over a month. Heck, the night before, I was hounding him about the concert. And the response I got the next day? "I didn't know you wanted to see it." I guess all it really came down to is money. But if he had just said that, I would've been fine. I mean...this is freakin Morrissey we're talking about.

So the two brother roommates and I went to see Morrissey. It was a very good concert. Very entertaining. Good seats...and he took off his shirt twice. Which was hilarious as the guy is 48 years old.

Sunday was spent driving around for Wii games, playing karaoke, and then hustling off to bed. Very relaxing indeed.