Onyxpurr

So tired...

2012-01-26T09:36:00.003-07:00

For some reason it's very hard to appreciate or fully enjoy anything when you are heavily sleep deprived. However, here it goes:

I love the fact that although my SO and I can argue at 2 in the morning on how to raise our child, once we've gotten past the hard part, we joke and make up realizing that the stress is not part of our relationship and we love eachother more than that.
I love the fact that my SO doesn't even hesitate to help out with Riddles, jumping out of bed when I tell him it's "his turn" at 2 a.m.
I love the fact that my boss gave me an interesting report that I'm enjoying doing analysis on and that I may have finally grasped a process to help me put these together.

I am proactive in dealing with conflict and problems.

I need to research and find out best methods to get Riddles to sleep especially while we're going through all this.
I also need to get off my butt and start packing. I need to realize that friends will be over, but I have 29 days to get everything together.

Damn bread!

2012-01-26T09:19:00.002-07:00

Weight: 192.2
Mood: A little frustrated and super tired

Riddles was up from 2-4 this morning. Both Ricky and I tried to get him back down but it took forever! Thinking he's going through his next developmental leap. Oh joy.

Anyway, that bread took its toll. Gained .6 and not happy about it. I'm sure I can get down to 190 by Saturday though. At least I've managed to reduce my plateau to 192 as opposed to 195. Yay!

Feeling Better at Work

2012-01-25T13:01:00.002-07:00

My boss assigned me another report and he sounded confident about my skills, so I'm feeling a bit better. Need to now be professional and creative about it. Best way to go about that is sit down and draw out what I need. I really need to bring a notebook in. This would help immensely.

"I am passionate and enjoy life, including my interactions with friends and family and my relationship with my boyfriend."

I think it's time to focus on this. I'm so distracted by everything that needs to be done. Ricky even asked if I still found him attractive today and I feel horrible about that. It's just that I'm so exhausted and taking care of Riddles by the time I get home. I know I haven't felt sexy lately too so that doesn't help. My sex life is non-existent compared to what we used to do. I need to realize that my relationship is by far more important than all the stuff I have 'to do'. And focus on taking care of it first in addition to really feeling passionate about things again. I'm sure at this point it's just me being tired.

So much for doing this in the morning...

2012-01-24T21:46:00.002-07:00

Well I do feel a little bit better about my professionalism and creativity at work, however I still have a lot of work to go. I feel foggy and apathetic a lot of the time, so I really do need to get motivated. Same for a lot of areas in my life. Probably pretty much just from being exhausted all the time.

So I guess I need to work on not being exhausted. Good luck to me with that with work, the baby, and the move coming up. I'm thinking the key word here is delegation. Just need to figure out what to delegate. Will has been an immense help as well as Ricky. So just need to keep on top of that.

I actually cooked yesterday and intend to more often. However, enough of how I have been doing, lets get to my action plan...

Most importantly I really need to focus on appreciate being in the moment and appreciate those around me.

Ricky is a great example. I find myself continuing criticizing or judging, and it's really more of a reflection of my inadequacies than anything else. That boy really does try his best to be a great boyfriend, friend, and father. He's fantastic with Riddles and he helps always without complaining at all every time. He has faith that Riddles can do things I don't even think of.

Will is another good example. Yes, there are things that bug me but honestly who doesn't have quirks that annoy the hell out of you? Fact is Will is there quite a bit when we need him. He may slip on some things, but if I were to ask him outright he's pretty good about helping out.

I just need to make sure everyone in my life knows they are appreciated and needed.

Reporting

2012-01-21T19:35:00.002-07:00

I am professional and creative at work.

I am going to kick ass at creating my gift card report. I'm going to build a nice, concise summary that makes sense and reflects the negative and positive aspects of this product. I can do this.

As a side note, I think it would be a good idea to address these goals BEFORE the start of a day. That way I can tackle things such as drinking water.

Goal Check

2012-01-20T09:41:00.002-07:00

I am healthy and support my family in being healthy through cooking, activities, and going to the doctor when needed.
Weight and dieting has been ridiculous. I have stayed the same except for yesterday in which I gained .5 lbs because I splurged on a burger and fries and corn. I think it's time for a fasting to reset my body.

I am passionate and enjoy life, including my interactions with friends and family and my relationship with my boyfriend.
Tonight we have a show. Will has agreed to watch Riddles tonight and I have a great tendency to want to stay at home tonight. However, I'm going to let go. Talk to Vicki on the way to the show, and kick back and relax and enjoy my friendships and my relationship tonight. Ricky called me out on being on my computer too much the other night and he's right, I will be spending less time looking at a screen and more time actually interacting with people.

Stop and Smell The Roses
Well, a lot has happened this week. I'm glad we could figure out a way to move. I do love to organize and clean. Riddles has actually broken a tooth and is doing pretty well with it. We have an action plan to address finances. And Ricky and I actually had sex last night even though I had not anticipated it at all.

Eating Healthier...check!

2012-01-18T10:10:00.002-07:00

I did eat two apples yesterday. And a lot of black beans. Hmmmm, which reminds me. I was going to fast today, but I think probably eating healthier would just be better. Good thing I'm revisiting my goals.

So...I think perhaps the best way to tackle this is to select a goal and focus on it for the day. I will also tackle my rule of being more appreciative.

Goal: I am professional and creative at work. I always strive to excel through knowledge and creativity.

Well I suppose I can work on this by achieving all my goals for today even though I have to leave at 4 pm. I will work on a game plan before coding and creating. I will also contact the requestors.

I will also communicate more with my teammates and coworkers today.

Goal: I am patient and appreciate every moment of every day.

I am ecstatic that Pete called us and we can finally resolve the house issue. I am happy that I have been getting back on task with my own tasks. I am appreciative that Will helps out with Riddles. I am appreciative of the fact that I have friends I can blow off steam with. I am appreciative of the that that although I am not losing as quickly as I'd like, I have lost and been keeping off that weight. I am appreciative that I have a boyfriend that put up with my attitude. :-)

Appreciating what I have

2012-01-17T09:00:00.002-07:00

I have set a reminder for me to "stop and smell the roses". I will set it for every couple hours throughout the day to remind me to stop and appreciate what I have and live in the moment.

So....

I'm appreciative of my boyfriend who stays at home and watched our baby every day. Without him we'd be wondering what Riddles life is like at daycare and he surely would not have been brought up in an amazing environment full of love and attention.

I'm appreciative that I have the ability to try out working in a fast paced environment to see if I like it and I have what it takes. I'm fortunate enough to have worked my way up to have a job in the field I chose and money to support my family.

I'm appreciative that rather than sticking myself in the same group of people, I sought change and now am meeting and have the opportunity to build relationships with different people who are driven and passionate about their work.

Mission and Goals

2012-01-16T21:18:00.003-07:00

Okay, so I need to have a better way to track and accomplish my mission and goals. Not to mention I really have not had time to read and update lately. So why not do mission and goals and accomplishments here?

Mission (What I Achieve To Be)

To be an awesome and passionate girlfriend, mother, friend, worker, and overall person.

Objectives (How I'll Be That Way)

I love and respect all people I interact with.
I am patient and appreciate every moment of every day.
I am healthy and support my family in being healthy through cooking, activities, and going to the doctor when needed.
I am passionate and enjoy life, including my interactions with friends and family and my relationship with my boyfriend.
I am professional and creative at work. I always strive to excel through knowledge and creativity.
I am proactive in dealing with conflict and problems.
I have my finances under control including debts, savings, and have the ability to budget to travel twice a year with my family.

Action Plan (How I Intend To Get There)

Each day I write down what I appreciate about the people in my life and my situation.
I set a reminder to "stop and smell the roses" every day.
I drink water every day. I no longer smoke. I track my calories on MFP and stick to my diet. I do not eat without tracking it first.
I cook 5 out of 7 days out of the week.
I aggressively schedule and follow through on doctors appointments for my family.
I visit friends and family weekly.
I go out of my way to make all my friend and family feel accepted and loved and interesting.
I do whatever it takes to get my projects done on time and professionally.
I stay on top of current events within my field.
I do not procrastinate and deal with people verbally or in person.
I stick to budget voraciously. I do not spend money without checking my budget first.

I know this seems like a lot to bit off and chew but if I revisit this each day and make tasks, I know I can accomplish my goals!

What would people say at my funeral?

2011-11-24T09:06:00.002-07:00

It's a very morose topic, however very appropriate for Covey's 7 Habits.

So you should choose several people...I chose: R-SO, J-Boss, S-Friend.

R-SO
"A was the most important person in my life. She was there for me in good and bad. I could always rely on her to cheer me up when things were rough and take care of whatever was worrying us. She treated me and everyone she knew with respect and passion. No matter what I did, she was always there to support me and Newt. She was a fantastic mother and made sure Newt felt nothing but love, acceptance, and encouragement from both of us. A and I were a team who took on everything together including raising Newt, managing Prague, and just having fun together. I'll miss her immensely. I love you A"

J-Boss
"A was an exemplary employee. She was excited to dig in and make sure that our customers not only got what they wanted, but what they needed. She was great at identifying opportunities for improvement and improving them. Because of her, we have a cohesive team that knows the data inside and out and develops new methods for pulling and reporting data every day. We've constantly used A's analysis for presentations and media spots. We'll miss her excitement and creativeness."

S-Friend
"The thing I loved most about A was her ability to always be there for everyone and respect everyone's uniqueness. A was always ready to jump in and have fun. If you needed anything anytime, she was always there. She could always give you great advice about anything in life and be there to support you no matter what decisions you made. If you needed to go out and have fun, A was your girl. But if you needed someone to stay in and just talk, she was there for you too. I'll miss you sweetie."

Proactivity

2011-11-21T21:12:00.002-07:00

Some quotes from my 7 Habits book:

Be a light, not a judge
Be a model, not a critic
Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
Don't argue for other people's weaknesses. Don't argue for your own.
When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it-immediately.
Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation.
If you start to think the problem is "out there", stop yourself.

So I'm really going to start working on my PMA. Stop judging and getting frustrated and work on better ways to respond to events and people. Really start thinking about what it is that I'm getting frustrated about and see if there is an alternative.

First day of South Beach

2011-11-17T08:46:00.001-07:00

Weight: 201.4
Mood: Slightly aggravated, but optimistic

Why? Well I had hoped (although not expected) that I would be at least slightly under 201.0 (my weight from yesterday). However, I feel a few things MAY have influenced this small jump: I fasted Tuesday, therefore probably making my body hold onto any food I had the next day, I did not exercise, I had a lot of salt in my meals, and I did not drink as much water as I should have.

I'm hoping it is one of these things. Plus I realized that at least for the morning I did not stick to the lowfat meats and cheeses. So I'm going to try to stick with that today.

TODAYS MENU
Breakfast:Yogurt, cream cheese and celery, coffee w/ creamer
Lunch: Caesar salad w/ chicken, edemame, carrots (?)
Dinner: Turkey burger, edemame, Caesar salad dressing

MFP says I need to eat more calories. If I don't lose from today, I probably will bump them up even though I didn't feel hungry yesterday and I don't plan on starving myself today. We'll see...

Circle of Influence

2011-11-16T21:42:00.001-07:00

We are responsible to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances. -- Stephen R Covey

I definitely need to take on this mentality. Although I feel in control of my circumstances, most of time is spent working on things so they'll be better in the future. I don't spend much time in the here and now making things better. I make a lot of excuses for any reason why I'm not happy today or right now. "Once I pay off my debts...", "Once I lose my weight...","Once I get a new job..." I'm spending way too much time not working on what I can influence now.

One thing I have started working on is my weight. I fasted Monday and feel great. I started the South Beach diet and feel better and sexier.

Although, yes, it's going to take some time to work out things financially, I need to identify what will make me and SO happy with what we have today.

My job is clearly within my own power to achieve. I know what's holding me back and I'm working on improving those. I feel the analysis I just put together was much better than ones I have been creating. My only drawback right now is my communication with my customers and also my ability to query efficiently. I can and will improve those areas starting tomorrow.

I really need to look at what is going on in my life and tackle them. Therefore, at this moment I will sign off and spend some time with my SO...

Ta, ta for now!

I guess it's been awhile

2011-11-12T14:40:00.002-07:00

Trying to get better about posting but I have a blog for eating and for Riddles, so...yeah. Busy times.

Haven't had the chance to read, but I think I'm improving with work and at home. Of course, I have a cold right now, so all things considered, I'm doing okay.

Problem is I think I focus too much on things that aren't as important, like cleaning house or doing work, and less on things that are, like spending quality time with my SO and also listening and talking to him. That's my goal for this week. To really focus on my relationship. I think we get so focused on picking up towels or sharing the workload or managing finances that we forget about the truly important things sometimes, like focusing on what's truly important to our loved ones and providing that.

Negative Attitude

2011-11-02T08:51:00.002-07:00

When did this happen to me? When did I get so lethargic, apathetic, and lazy?

I've had a lot of changes in my life, but notably in my professional life, I just don't give a damn anymore. Of course, some of this stems from the utter exhaustion I had at my last job. I was damn good at what I did, however ended up so busy I almost had a breakdown.

So I left that mess, and ended up at a competitive company as small fish again. The first few months went okay, and then my frustration over several things made me apathetic and slow.

Now, I have a lot of things going on (as usual.) I have a new baby to take care of, the boyfriend and I are working through some issues (making progress) and focusing on spending more quality time together, I have a messy house, a messy body, and to top it all off, I have a career to deal with.

I just need to get back into a groove again. Get motivated. Get moving. I've been trying to for awhile but it felt like each time I 'thought' I made progress, I took two steps back. Not sure if this is what I want to do anymore, but regardless it IS what I'm currently doing so I need to get moving and get organized and get motivated.

Ugh.

Reading

2011-10-26T12:12:00.002-07:00

I have two things I'm reading right now and I intend to comment on each of them every day. Sort of a way to get me to think, but also act.

First book is The Female Fat Cell - Post Pregnancy (FFC-PP).

From what I've read so far, I really need to embrace my body and appreciate it for all the wonderful things it's done for me. Of course, every day I probably curse my body. But I only seem to be focused on the weight right now. I do have to say that I am skinnying up, without the weight loss. I can tell my body is changing almost daily. However, I still have a goal of fitting into my old clothes (which may never happen, but a girl can dream.) Yes, I love my body. It gives me pleasure with my boyfriend, it feels delicious to sleep or take a warm bath, it still moves for me and has amazingly taken quite a bit of abuse from me. Actually I think at this point I have two goals really. First to lose 20 lbs. Sorry, not going to give that up. And 2ndly to feel good again. I'm tired and achy all the time. I need to focus on healthy eating and exercise to get past that. So I guess first action, is to love the skin I'm in. I need to see myself as sexy again regardless of my size.

2nd book - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (7H)

I've already posted on this book and will be posting more shortly. I have been attempting to remind myself to be proactive. I think it's working. My mind frame seems to be much better and less negative lately.

Be proactive

2011-10-25T13:10:00.002-07:00

So in my relentless pursuit of constantly trying to improve myself, I've decided to read at night and during lunch, books and articles to help me further my intelligence and general happiness in life.

Who knows if it will help, but hey, a girl can try.

So at work, during lunch, I'm starting with an oldie but a goodie. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". Now I've heard some counter-arguments to this author's many contributions to self-improvement however, what I've read so far seems to make common sense.

I'm on the first step...Be Proactive.

Essentially the idea is that I have control of my own responses to what happens to me. Which I am a FIRM believer of. Of course, trying to fight old habits can be difficult at times. Last weekend, after thinking I had made a tremendous amount of progress NOT blowing up, of course, I blew up. It was a situation in which I was frustrated and the same situation had repeated itself. Who knows, I may still be the fool in this circumstance, but what choice do I have?

Anyway, major tangent later, I do believe that I have the choice to feel however I feel. I think even down to being tired (which is a big excuse in my general demeanor) can be challenged. Of course, I would really, REALLY like some sleep right now, but my mind is bound and determined to keep me going (I've scheduled workout time tonight with a friend).

Bleh.

Anyway...next 60 days...be proactive, not reactive.

(Why do I feel that tomorrow will be a post on how I wasn't able to accomplish this and blew up yet again? Good thing there are do-overs.)

So Emotional Lately

2011-08-19T11:54:00.002-07:00

I know I've been through quite a bit in the past two weeks (and honestly still going through quite a bit), but who knew that give birth would hit you so emotionally? I mean the hormones raging through my system having me crying at the most inappropriate times. It really does suck.

Couple that with the fact that anytime I feel the slightest bit of concern over anything, my heart goes overboard with it. I would just like to get back to the usual logical person that I usually am. Or rather was before pregnancy.

Of course, it makes it hard when I'm stuck inside all day. Tethered to my little man, while although very much enjoyable, can be tedious and exhausting. I'd take him around but quite honestly I don't trust my leg enough to do it.

I guess I need to just realize that the situation is temporary and soon I'll be back to my physical self and be able to go out again.

New Start

2011-08-15T19:04:00.002-07:00

Well needless to say, life has made a turn for the interesting. I now have a family that includes my boyfriend, my dog and my son. How odd to say "my son". I still don't feel like a "mommy." Just exhausted. Well, tired, not really exhausted.

So this is the time for new beginnings. A time to learn a new way to live. Try to keep my relationship happy and exciting. Try to get my butt moving and lose the weight again. Try to get focused on learning new tools to do my job. Try to rebuild my relationships with family and friends.

I'm doing better today physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's only gets better from here, right?

New start?

2011-07-26T08:14:00.002-07:00

So many things have happened since I last posted. And from what I see, I was pretty much in the same frame of mind last time I wrote...

I'm not cranky, so much as just bitchy and opinionated a lot of the time. I'm thinking I picked this up from the boys as we're always in a verbal sparring match most of the time. I know I have an ability to pick up whatever character traits surround me, so I really need to work on getting back to my old optimistic self.

I'll have an interesting time of turning myself around. I have at most 5 weeks until I give birth to my son (such an odd thing to say.) Then I'll be home for about 9-10 weeks. Then back to work.

I've been so focused on the baby and my relationship lately, that I really haven't given any time to myself. Quite honestly I don't have much to complain about. I work at a well-known company, getting paid a decent amount of money and receiving good benefits (they're the reason why I can take so long for maternity leave.) My boss has been supportive even though I've only been here a year. I have finances I need to take care of, but we're still able to enjoy life and do the things we want. I have incredible friends who are willing to help out at the drop of a hat, and have enjoyed the new experience of being a band manager.

On top of all that, I have an incredible relationship with someone who is verbally and physically supportive and affectionate. We enjoy each other and have been through quite a bit. He's stuck with me and Ridley, and now we have to figure out a whole new dynamic once the baby comes. (Although that seems to be our MO, I don't think we've ever had a steady time of things.)

So the question now is, with all this wonderful stuff and people, what am I going to do to make me happy with myself?

Well I really have been disappointed with my general outlook in life. I've been very pessimistic and kind of lazy. It's time to be optimistic and have fun in life again. I need to remove the barrier I've put up between me and other people. Every time I visit a friend or family, I regret that I didn't interact more. Be more joyous, more involved. I guess I need to figure out the things that are truly important and why and fixate on those.

Secondly, I need to get motivated at work again. This is a good environment to grow my skills, just need to be more proactive about it. I can do this, I just need to ask for help more often and stop getting stuck on being intimidated by the people and the work.

Of course, I guess a month before giving birth is a tough time to accomplish a lot, perhaps that will be my first move. Not to be so hard on myself and others. I definitely need to be more forgiving.

Work and Attitude

2011-03-24T09:57:00.002-07:00

I've been a bit cranky lately. Okay, that's putting it mildly...I've been a bit bitchy lately. Negative. I keep criticizing everything and everyone I come across. If not verbally aloud then internally. And it's driving me nuts. Why am I like this? I keep trying to figure it out but well perhaps it has a lot to do with work. I get no communication from my boss (or much others). Communication is mostly over MOC or email, and when I am communicated to it's usually about something I did wrong or need to improve. That will wear on someone. It's not an overtly aggressive environment, more passive aggressive. So when you're surrounded by that, what do you do?

Okay, let's see if I can stick to this...

2010-12-03T09:48:00.002-07:00

I have two goals with this journal right now: vetting out my personal goals and tribulations and work on educating myself by reading articles and discussing them. I know, both of these are very selfish goals, however that's what a personal diary is all about. I'm not posting for you, sorry to say, but posting for me.

Okay that's about 90% true. I write to entertain you too, just because this is public and I don't want you to be bored if you run across my entries. I'm such a panderer.

So what's my main concern in life? I would have to say my outlook at this point. I've noticed a growing trend in general towards complaining or sarcasm on everything in life. It's a bit tiresome and not too respectful of others in general. I can understand a general need for humor in life, however the underlying point given in our humor and opinions lately seems to branch to, "You're dumb, I know better."

Okay, so my opinion differs from quite a few others out there. I admit my initial reaction to anything Glenn Beck says is pretty much, "Wow, really? You're a moron." But also admittedly, although I may disagree with him, he's human as well and for me to just dismiss his arguments with a blanket statement regarding his personality is neither helping me to grow as an individual, him in understanding my general disagreement with his argument, or others in being able to see that I'm actually an intelligent human being who has independent and coherent thought without lowering my arguments down to, "yeah, well, you're just a doodoo head."

Cause ultimately, isn't that what we're doing when we say things like that? There's really no argument back to that except, "Wow, you're a moron too if you can't come up with a better counter-point than likening me to someone who has actual mental issues."

So, bearing that in mind, I will approach all events and opinions with respect towards my fellow man. I will approach every moment in life as an opportunity to improve and learn about people and things.

Now comes the hard part...remembering to do it.

I'm unsettled

2010-11-03T09:09:00.002-07:00

For some reason I'm just not happy right now. I mean, in some aspects I am. I'm very happy in my relationship. And I'm happy when I'm doing band stuff, but there seems to be a general malaise about me right now.

First of all, I seem numb to most things. If I'm focused on one thing, I ignore all others. I know happiness 100% of the time if totally unfeasible, but I'm just unsettled about how I feel right now.

I do have several things I can pinpoint my anxiousness about. My weight for one. I haven't been this heavy in quite sometime and I just can't seem to lose it. As I get older, my habits seem to be more concrete and accomplishing new goals (whether I've attempted them before or not) seems much more difficult.

My new job is another. While I do like the people and the company, to do my job is akin to pulling teeth. Queries run forever and data is oddly organized. I love looking at data, but a majority of my time is spent trying to manipulate queries and find data. It makes for an exhausting day.

Of course, my car upsets me to. It's getting to 80k now and I've never had such issues with a newer car. For a BMW it's really turned to crap quickly. I've already socked thousands of dollars into it for repairs and I don't relish investing more.

Last but not least is my finances. I have most of it square away except for one thing. It looms over me like a cloud. I know I need to handle it soon but I dread the outcome.

I suppose I should chip away at those. We'll see what rememdies I can find to those issues.

It's time to document my life again

2010-09-15T05:28:00.002-07:00

I have so many things going on and so many thoughts about everything.

First of all, I'm now working for an internet company. A very well to do one. I enjoy it here, however everything is brand new to me which makes things awkward. I suffer from newbie syndrome in which I flub up, however, I feel part of this is due to my lack of training. It pretty much consisted of "There's the tables...go at it." It's amazing how many things I learn in life by watching others and saying to myself, "Remember not to do that." For instance, I would couple a new person up with someone else. I somewhat had this my first month, but my "buddy" decided to relocate to another department. Which has now left me floundering. So now I find myself repeating each day, "Don't worry, it'll get better...you'll get better. Beside what are you going to do? Quit?"

Secondly, I have someone new in my life. They make me very happy. I am still tentative to say this as what I say could affect other people. I do't know if my ex still reads my blog, however, I suppose I can't hide who I am or what I do for the rest of my life. I still am somewhat confused about everything only in that I was raised religiously one way and my religion would condemn my lifestyle now, only because I am not with my ex-husband. He was a good person, however we were just two different people with different needs. Every day I hope he is doing well and has found his own happiness.

Third, well, life has certainly changed and picked up. I have new friends, new activities, pretty much a whole new life. I miss certain things about my old life, like my kitty. Onyx (who is the namsake of this blog) has passed away. I miss him immensely. I still have Casper though, shy and reclusive although he is. I have a new cat which drives me nuts...Pookie. A 9 year old rescue cat from the Humane Society who seems to think she gets rewarded Pounce for each headbutt and affectionate bite she gives. I also have a new puppy, Rio. A lapdog with endless energy. She has been my companion through rough times which include more than just the usual stress.

My roommates consist of three brothers, all which keep me well grounded yet enjoying life. Will is an eternal fountain of youth. He shows me the energy and optimism of life. It's funny to grow older and watch people repeat the same steps, decisions and issues you had at their age. Bry is the creative of the group, and with that he shares the same sensitivity and passion as many other artists. I enjoy his passion for everything in life, and mostly his ability to focus on what he really loves to do which is music. Ricky is a dichotomy. He loves communism, yet seeks the fruit of capitalism. He tried to come off as a hard-ass, but his sensitive nature comes through more than he'd like it to.

Bry and Ricky are both in a band. It's an amazing venture and I love every minute of going to shows, watching them record, and doing promotional stuff. This is just a small description of my life right now. The rest is for later...

Time for a Change

2010-01-19T21:50:00.002-07:00

I wonder how many times people say that over the course of their lives?

Well, it is. I feel it. Not like a resounding boom of a change, but a small inching change towards becoming the person I should be...I want to be.

All my life, I've attached to people. Attached to people heavily. Well, not people but one person. I become immersed in being involved in that person, making them happy, being with them. Sort of like the Runaway Bride. I know how I like my eggs, but otherwise, I don't have much of my own life anymore.

Recent developments in my life are changing that.

I'm starting to feel the change. When I catch my reflection in a mirror or glass, I notice me. I notice myself as an adult, as a woman, as strong, as an individual.

I hope this sticks, because I've worked too damn hard all my life to become less than a happy, interdependent woman. Hopefully, I'll find myself, and THEN I can find that person to share my happiness with.

Ever post things where you know people won't read them?

2009-11-09T22:27:00.001-07:00

I miss you mom. I miss waiting til midnight.

Epiphany

2009-10-06T22:06:00.002-07:00

No, I didn't have one. Well...perhaps a small one. However, what I'm talking about is that standard scene in a film or a book in which the main character has an epiphany about their life and everything changes and improves from that moment on.

I'm here to tell you life doesn't work that way.

It's more of a an outward progression made in circles and valleys. You have an epiphany, you make a change, you falter. You dust yourself off or have another epiphany, you make a change, you falter. However, during this process you fall a little bit less harder each time, and eventually you realize that the end goal is in sight.

I'm hoping that's the road I'm on right now. I faltered big time. I fell hard. And I keep falling. But I'm also realizing that I'm not falling as often. And picking myself up seems to come easier and easier. I realize I still have a few big obstacles in my future. But in all honesty, I'm looking forward to them. Encountering them is what is going to ultimately make me a stronger person in the long run.

Just for me

2009-09-09T21:54:00.003-07:00

Oh goodness...where the mind wanders...

I am not the same person I was three years ago. Not even a year ago.

I'm horribly self conscious. Self deprecating. Self loathing. Depressed. Unmotivated.

I have my moments. (Usually when I'm not smoking.) Moments when I get ff my ass and do something. Why, starting my blog again, is at least a step in the right direction. But honestly, how did I allow myself to get to this position?

I constantly question myself. My sanity. My intelligence. My looks.

It's time to stop. It's time to respect myself again. My needs, my wants, my self.

I know I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm loving. I'm caring.

I just need to tap into that inner core. Remove that bad crust and dig into that inner beauty that once reflected out.

Okay, so I guess it's not enough to say it. I don't care how many times you have an epiphany...it doesn't work like the movies where suddenly you see the light and everything is fixed. Once your aware, you have to take the steps to make habits. So, hmmm, what would be a good step 1?

Stop smoking I think. Oddly enough, I've noticed my smoking not only taking a physical toll, but an emotional one as well. When I'm not smoking, I'm full of energy, and awareness. So perhaps my physical health should be first. This will involve:
1) Stop smoking for 2 days
2) Drink 4 glasses of water every day for a week
3) Do yoga every day for a week

This seems reasonable, yes? I feel better already.

Maybe it's time to start posting again...

2009-09-05T10:24:00.003-07:00

I haven't posted due to MANY things going on in my life. I know that usually I've been the kind of blogger that can blog about anything, but some things just can't be blogged at the time it happens.

So what has brought me out of my Blogging slumber?

A few articles, notes, responses, blogs about "nice" guys.

You've probably seen the rants. A "nice" guy has been jilted by a girl who decided to date a "douchebag". According to said nice guy, she's a heartless bitch that doesn't know what's good for her. So, as a girl who has turned down a few "nice" guys, let me offer some more insight into why...

First of all, don't ever pass judgment or belittle someone for not dating or falling in love with another person. There's a reason why "plenty of fish in the sea" exists as a term. We are all different people, with different needs and wants and preferences. If you don't have chemistry with a person, you shouldn't be forced to or asked to explain yourself. It's just not there. Respect that person and move on to another person who WILL reciprocate. You deserve the best, which means not bargaining for affection and love.

Next, an explanation as to why a girl is not turned on by the nice guy. Honestly, there are many reasons, but most importantly, there's no excitement. I've dated quite a few nice guys and believe me, I've always wanted to feel passionate about them. Knew they were good guys. Tried repeatedly to date them, hoping the spark would show up, but either (A) it wasn't the right time or (B) we never really did anything that made me feel more than amicable. No heated debates, no sparring comments, no flirty gestures. I understand that as a nice guy, saying something out of character poses a risk. You want to be on your best behavior, say all the right things, do all the gentlemanly moves in order to avoid the slightest risk of offending the girl. But first of all, we're all human. We understand that if there's a few aspects to your personality that we don't like, they're overcome by all the ones we do. We want to know your human. Second, some of those traits we actually like. I'm the kind of girl that likes to spar back and forth with some barbed comments. None of the nice guys I dated ever could do that with me. Some were offended. Sorry, I need a guy who can take the challenge. That's okay if you don't like that, but don't expect me to get involved. I need that intellectual stimulation. Just as much as the physical.

Third, for Gods sake, don't think that just because you're a nice guy gives you the right to expect something from a girl then bash her because she's not into you. Isn't that just as bad as the guy who expects something because he bought the girl a drink or dinner? If the feeling isn't mutual, then grow up, realize that it's just not going to happen, and find someone else.

Accept who you are. Accept who she is. If your playing it safe and not showing your true self, then let go and take some risk. Odds are you'll find someone much sooner and it'll be worth it. If that IS you, then great! You'll find someone who loves you for who you are, without feeling obligated.

Niles is...#2

2009-01-16T11:41:00.002-07:00

Niles is....Dr. Brown

I'm back...kinda.

2009-01-11T12:06:00.005-07:00

Life has been a little rough. Hopefully getting better. Will share more later. Til then...

Frequently, the roommates dog is going through stages of grooming. From short fur to long curly fro fur. During these stages, he looks like someone or something else. Today, he is Kenny Rogers. Well, not Kenny Rogers exactly as the guy who portrays Kenny Rogers on MadTV. So, in the spirit of blogging nonsense, I will be posting pics of Niles is...

Welcome to our first installation.

Niles is a Kenny Rogers impersonator....

Dear Diary,

2008-11-12T21:56:00.003-07:00

I know I've ignored you. I just haven't had time, like most things. I don't know what to say. Life has been filled with Toastmasters and work. There has been no time to pause.

When I do get a few moments to stop and look around, I'm lost. I just don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel. Many things have happened, but...I'm constantly trying to get a grip on who I am, what I want out of life.

I suppose things have gotten better. I don't feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster anymore, but I suppose it's time to really sit down and figure out what I want to do and who I want to be. Did I say that already?

Okay, maybe it wasn't the best of ideas to write my blog while listening to music. Especially new music. Try Bullets by Tunng. Awesome song!

Oh yeah...I just celebrated my 33rd birthday. Thank God, 32 is over with!!!! And with it came a nice birthday party, great friends wishing me well, and a host of new songs on my iTunes. Mostly Fred Astaire, Frank Sinatra, and Dean Martin. I'm in an oldies mood. Not sure why. But I have noticed music makes me happy again. Perhaps there's hope for me yet.

Yeah, it's been awhile...

2008-09-08T23:10:00.002-07:00

I'm going to have to blame work on this one. See, of the many perks of now being with a larger corporate company, I get the chance to be blocked from every fun site in existence...well, except for YouTube in which apparently I can still watch skits with profanity and sex scenes because the filter can't tell if it's named Stick It To Her. (And for you google-curious, no that's not really a YouTube video...that I know of)

Anyway, life has been fairly busy. I nearly went out of my mind, until some people decided to help out and get me some help. While professional help would have been warranted, instead they found me a few people to help out with web stuff. So now instead of a bill-yun things to do, I now only have a million. Now I can go bald at a slower rate.

I've been horribly frustrated and a bit depressed lately. Life has just been one glob of one work issue to the next. I go from staring at a computer screen at work, to staring at an iphone screen (to check for emails), to staring at a screen at home to do work and TM (Toastmasters.) I wake up alone and I go to bed alone. And to top it off, the one person who thought I was the best person ever, is now gone.

I know...I still have my friends. And while although awesome friends they are, they can't replace the adoration of a mother and the comfort of a significant other.

I'm fairing a bit better these days. I sit here right now, not in tears although I'm tired and it's close to going to bed, listening to an artist's concert who I'll be attending with a good friend. I'm working, but not stressing. And while it would be nice to have another warm body in bed with me, the teddy bear will do for now.

I know life isn't all that bad. I have my friends, I have my job, I have my grandma, I have my car, and not to mention this luscious ass of mine. Kidding. Or am I?

It's just hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I've never been single or alone really before. I'm been alone with someone, but never by myself before. And while it has been two years, it's been a very...full...two years. I'm just now starting to cut the apron strings to my two best friends, however still trying to figure out how to retain my independence without being a loner.

I'm more awkward than ever socially right now. I feel like I've retreated back into my shell a little. Not as sure of myself as I used to. I just need a project or an accomplishment though and I'm sure I'll feel stronger again.

I really needed that...

2008-07-24T00:00:00.002-07:00

It's been a rough time.

I've been overloaded with work and Toastmaster's stuff. I mean, we're talking almost mental breakdown overloaded.

Because my workload has been so full and I haven't been able to accomplish much, I've been feeling a bit like a failure. A failure to myself, a letdown to others. I hate feeling this way.

Only in the past couple of days, has this started to alleviate. I caught up at work...somewhat. I had a good discussion with my boss. I took my time going home today, and figured out my mess of finances.

As I was sitting, trying to make some progress with Toastmasters stuff, I get a text message. It's from my brother.

Long back story...when my mother adopted my brother (along with an unwilling stepfather), he came from a very rough life already. Top that with an uncaring adoptive father and a sick mother...well, he's had a rough time. Immediately after they adopted him, my family moved to Maryland. I didn't speak to him for years. I knew how rough it was, but there was nothing I could do miles away.

When my mother divorced my step-father, she took my brother with her, but they moved in with my grandmother and discipline became top priority to both of them. I felt bad for the poor guy. He's always been a good kid in bad circumstances. Between my mother's helplessness, my grandmother's frustrations and some very bad peer influences; he had it very difficult. However, at this point I was dealing with a rough marriage and no matter what words of advice I gave the matriarchs of my family, they insisted on ruling with an iron fist.

When he moved in with my aunt, she was almost the complete opposite. He continued to get into trouble, yet displayed great talent musically. He showed his intelligence and caring only to those few who showed no judgment and kept mostly to himself.

Eventually he moved out on his own. I breathed a small sigh of relief hoping that on his own, he would feel a bit of freedom and finally be able to take responsibility for his own actions. Yet, I always felt immense guilt not taking a larger role in my brother's life. I was assigned the role of older sister and therefore guardian, and failed miserably.

Before my mother went into the hospital, we exchanged phone numbers and from time to time, I would receive a funny text message or two. When she went into the hospital, I was the one to call him. And to my surprise, it was in me he confided his guilt over not crying over my mother's death.

Since that day, he still text messages me questions and just quick hello's to let me know he's alright, but tonight...

Tonight, I received a question about relationships and finances. I gave my honest opinion and tried to stay respectful to his relationship. Towards the end, it went like this...

My brother: "Thanx! Ur good at givin advice!"

Me: "No problem. I'm flattered you'd ask"

My brother: "Well I trust u and uv never let me down!"

Enter one very stunned Onyx.

Of all the things anyone has said. Of all the things he could have said.

...

I guess it's time to blog again

2008-07-08T21:30:00.002-07:00

I had almost considered writing this in my personal blog. Some things, as a friend recently said in a blog entry of hers, you're just not ready to share with the world. Being aware that certain people read your blog sometimes entices you to restrict what you're saying, but that would go against the very principle of what I believe...that in sharing our deepest and scariest fears we deny others the ability to share and know they're not alone in what they feel.

I'm at a point in my life where honestly I have everything. A good job, a nice car, a new house, (an old house), good friends, two loving cats, and even an internet connection and an iPhone. Yet, damn you Disney, I still feel like something's missing.

Why Disney?

Well, because when I was a little girl...heck even two days ago...I watched movies about true love and happily ever after. I thought I had it once only to find out that my Prince Charming was a frog. He was a good person, but ours was not a happy existence.

Now...I find myself yearning again for that feeling of being a couple. Falling asleep in someone's arms, feeling safe and being watched after, sharing intimate moments and even bad ones.

Ever feel like maybe you hit a quota? A limit? Like there's no chance it's going to happen again because...well, just because?

My mother and grandmother both ended up single. I wonder what they feel? Felt, in my mom's case. Does my grandmother after all these years still yearn for that feeling of couple-dom anymore? Or is she stronger than me?

Our brain is a wonderful invention, yet causes us so much harm. There's no reason why I should imagine what it's like. Why do I ponder late at night what it would be like to have someone to hold me in my bed? A nice chest to rest my head on, a loving hand caressing my hair and soothing away my worries.

I'm a successful adult woman. So why do I still have the dreams from my childhood playing through my mind?

What Happens After This?

2008-07-03T13:18:00.002-07:00

I'm at our new house right now. Everything is empty except for a few pieces that I've moved. I'm waiting on the gas guy right now to finish. I can hear clinking from the garage. I'm perched on the steps, typing away, working. I'm wearing my white business shirt with jeans and bare feeties. And oddly enough...I feel like I'm in a scene from a movie. You know the scene. Where the career woman is moving into her new place. But, this place isn't mine solely. Just weird. Sometimes I catch myself in a moment and think to myself, "when did I get to be so fortunate (and unfortunate at times) to be that woman in the movie I wanted to grow up to be? And why doesn't it seem as great as it looked on the screen?"

Atom-smasher inspires fear

2008-06-28T22:17:00.002-07:00

Scientists say a huge new device won't suck the Earth into a black hole.

Best...headline....ever....

Okay, but seriously, did they have to start this colossal machine right around my birthday? Wait...is it before November 10th?

Okay, I don't see the date, but let's put it this way...if it happens after Nov 10th, we're good. If it happens BEFORE Nov 10th, we're screwed. Why? Because the world and the universe rotate around me.

Well, that's the short story. The long version is that I recently came to a profound realization. It starts with my father. When he began racing, he chose the number 32. My whole life, this has been my father's lucky number. When I had a falling out with my father, I started to cringe whenever this number would come up.

32 on the lotto ticket? Nope, not winning.

32 for a player? Of course he missed the possible winning shot.

So for a few years now, I repeatedly joked that I dreaded turning 32.

It wasn't until about a few weeks ago that the importance of this joke hit home.

Of all the years that my mother was sick. Through everything she'd gone through. It took us all by surprise. And then I realized, on the year (exactly midway) of me being 32...my mother passed away.

Not only that, but I am in a completely different life than I was at 31 or all other prior years in my life.

So based on the assumption that my 32nd year on this planet will end with a bang, we're all royally screwed if they pull that lever prior to me turning 33.

Cross your fingies that they schedule it for November 11.

Staring at the screen...

2008-06-20T11:05:00.003-07:00

Every week and a half or so, I receive this...request. I don't generate data, or answer questions, or do data analysis with this request. I simply reformat an excel spreadsheet. When I first received this request, the words that ran through my mind were: "You've gotta be fucking kidding me?!"

I don't mind doing a little grunt work now and again, but this reoccurring nightmare is all because no one in the upper echelons of our company knows how to do basic math in Excel. (Really, people?)

I thought this report was a nightmare until it got handed off to a new person. All of a sudden totals couldn't match because data was missing, formats were screwed with, and what came regularly every Thursday was now apparently on a schedule of "whenever I feel like harassing you with a ridiculous request because I know you have better things to do."

So here I sit, staring at...no....glaring at the screen. Cursing this damn thing once again because I have to change what's supposed to be a date from a time to a date, changing the one odd date in the range, and making 50 pt font into something normal.

To top it off, I was working until 11 p.m. last night and started working from home at 5 a.m. I'm at work now, but it's starting to hit me. From here I have to assist R with facilities set up for Toastmasters training and then facilitate a class.

I was fortunate enough to have someone volunteer to fill in my co-facilitator role at the last minute. They asked what they could help with. I didn't know specifically when they asked, but now I know...

poke me when I fall asleep.

I've had it!

2008-05-25T17:40:00.002-07:00

I think I've been sick for an entire month. A month. With only maybe a day or so of feeling normal.

Today I've been wracked with stomach pain. I don't know what I ate, or did. But I'm tired of this.

So, I don't know if it's going to help, but it's time to make some health resolutions:

#1. Stop smoking.

You have no idea how hard this is. To quit smoking is the hardest thing ever, but...whenever I smoke I feel like crap. Whenever I don't smoke, I feel like crap. And I have the feeling theat if I stopped smoking, I would feel 500% better. So...today at 5:30 p.m. I had my last cigarette. That's it. I've had it. No more.

#2. Drink water.

I have a feeling that my body is waiving the white flag and surrendering because I refuse to take care of it. So next thing to do, is to drink more water. I bet my body is extremely dehydrated, especially while I'm sick, and it's time I took care of it.

#3. Eat healthier.

The last few months, I've been eating like crap. My old habits have been working their way back into my eating life. It's time to start eating more vegetables and less fat.

#4. Exercise.

I can start off small on this one. I have a friend that has invited me to yoga on Tuesday. Hopefully, by the grace of God, I will feel better by then.

Ugh! My stomach and head are killing me. But I'm going to stick with these and hope that everything gets better. Wish me luck.

Sting

2008-05-25T00:00:00.003-07:00

It's weird how things just hit you out of the blue.

R's brother gave him a free ticket to see The Police the other day. So after a little discussion, K purchased two more tickets so we all three of us could go. I had always wanted to see Sting in concert, and now, I got to see a band I never thought I would see in a million years. I should have been more excited, but the first concert they had that was shown live on tv was not that good, so I was afraid of being disappointed.

Today started out rough. I won't go into detail, but by the time we bundled into the car to go to the concert, I was hesitant and just plain tired.

We got to the venue and found our seats. The location was good, the weather was pretty nice, and Elvis Costello was opening. Elvis was pretty entertaining and at one point I turned over to R and told him I was glad we all three went.

Then the lights dimmed and The Police took the stage. The first song I made it through okay. Then it hit me.

Memories of singing and dancing to Sting and the Police while I lived with my mom came flooding into my head. The tears threatened to start and I just looked straight on, singing the words from heart, willing myself to stop feeling.

What I didn't realize before I agreed to go, and was suddenly becoming realization, was that Sting and The Police had gotten me through a lot of rough patches in my life. They were tied to my mom, my emotional high school years, my marriage. The Beatles for me had been an introduction to my hippie nature, my calm resolve for understanding, peace, and love. But The Police...they had been my therapy for yearning, heartache, and deep frustration. When I sang a Police song, I sang it with every fiber of my being. Connecting with the loneliness and frustration of missed opportunities and unachieved dreams.

Mental images leapt between my mother and the deep loneliness that pervaded most of my life. I thought of all the dreams I had...to travel, to be successful, to be strong. And then was immediately followed by all the disappointment and darkness that saturated my life up until this point.

I kept telling myself to be strong. To be resilient. But the emotions kept flooding in. Through it all I kept looking forward, not wanting the roommates to know what hell I was going through. I thought they'd had a rough day as it was, they didn't need to worry about me and honestly, some demons you had to deal with alone.

At one point, I excused myself and headed towards the restrooms. I thought I had finally got my emotions under control when I was walking. I just needed to relieve myself and freshen up. I wanted to look happy when the lights finally came up.

But once in the restroom, in the stall, with the bare white bathroom door to look at, I started thinking of my mother once again. Thought about how I missed her. How I wish I had been there more for her. How I wished I could just hold her.

When people say they wished they could hold someone they missed one last time, it's utter bullshit. I wish I could hold her everyday. I wish I could go and visit whenever I wanted to. And no matter how often you visited someone. No matter how close. You still wished you had visited them more. Showed them more affection. More attention.

I got back to my seat and still tried to gain control of everything. By the last song, I was able to stop crying but just felt wasted and drained. As we walked out, R asked if I was okay. I briefly deliberated over whether I would just lie and cover it up, but I felt that would only be cheating myself and our friendship. So I told the truth, I just blurted, "Yeah, I just miss my mom." He asked me to repeat myself because he couldn't hear my low-pitched whisper. To which I said louder, "Yeah, I miss my mom." I could hear the sympathy in his voice, but I was near tears again, I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and be done with the night. We climbed towards the car and I sunk into the leather, staring out the window.

It was complete silence. I didn't want an awkward ride home, so I figured I'd break the ice first. I blurted out, "Was Sting wearing a mesh shirt?" To which R laughed and K exclaimed yes. That got the conversation rolling. I breathed a sigh of relief. I stayed pretty much quiet in the back, but their banter back and forth was cathartic.

As we arrived home, I just felt worn out.

I do feel a bit better now, but I'll never forget the first night I finally and truly felt the absence of my mom.

Brief Rant

2008-05-15T10:07:00.002-07:00

Okay, I have a report that needs to get out for Accounting by the first weekday of every month. This day is extremely busy and when I first started this report, it would get out maybe every third business day, due to many different reasons.

Last month I got it out on the first day. Accounting had an issue with a check. I had to wait for them to correct it, and then I revised the report and resent it out. However, I felt proud that I finally got that report done on the 1st business day.

May was another deal altogether. Considering everything going on (May 1st being the day my mother passed away), I did call my boss and let her know what was going on and then racked my brain for what reports were due before going back into the hospital room to watch my mom fade away. I remembered the Accounting report and let my boss know and ask for an extension. She replied no problem.

My mother's funeral was the 5th. On the 6th, at exactly 3:31 p.m. (while I'm still on bereavement leave mind you) I sent the report. So three business days later.

I come in this morning to find the following email:

I know we have requested in the past that this report be delivered to us on the second business day of each month, but it doesn't always come that early. Is there any way it can be put on the calendar for Work Day 2? It is very important that I get this report by WD 2 because I need to add the info to my report and send to Corporate so they can meet their deadline for the liability submission the next morning.

Thanks for your help!

Okay, first of all, what crack is she smoking? 2nd business day = work day 2. Right?

Second of all, how dare you send an email about the report being late while I was dealing with my mom's death. (Note: I understand reports need to get done, but if that's the case why didn't she deny the freakin extension and ask us to get it done on time rather than bitch about it later?) I just want to strangle the bitch. Seriously? No, seriously? I'm usually a very professional person, but I would love....luuurrrvvvveeee...to send this report on the 3rd work day of the month from now on just to spite the fuckin bitch.

Of course, I won't do that. But I did email my boss and let her know that I was unhappy about the above email.

Still furious.

Why do I let dumb people get to me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

2008-05-13T15:05:00.002-07:00

I just got a text from my ex-husband. Our first dog, Buster, died this morning. :-(

Sidenote:
And another oddity...my step-sister's grandmother (on her mother's side) died last weekend. What the fucking hell?

My mom

2008-05-12T11:10:00.002-07:00

What more could I want?

2008-05-11T22:23:00.002-07:00

I guess you go through a period of reevaluation of everything in general when you go through a traumatic experience. But in running an errand tonight, and taking in the beauty of the weather, I realized that all my life I've spent wanting more than what I have. Some of these wants were warranted, and others maybe, not so much.

However, at this point in my life, I had to ponder, "What more could I really want?"

Part of this was instigated by my thinking on dating right now. I had one potential before everything happened with my mother. When she entered the hospital and I saw that this visit was more involved than all the others previous, I told him I would not be able to see him anymore. Then when my mother passed, I made a conscious decision not to date for awhile. (I'm afraid that intentionally or unintentionally I'll end up in a serious relationship just to be with someone. In my fragile emotional state, I could end up in a very bad situation.)

However, after thinking about it some more, I realized, that being the kind of girl that's constantly on the prowl or looking for a suitor, is just not me. I don't want to spend another moment of my life being depressed over not having someone to date, or cuddle, or be physical with.

I know some people who read this might think of this in a shocked manner. However, this wanting is not healthy. At all.

I have everything I need in life right now. Why would I spend another moment in my life sullen over a situation I can not control? Why do we feel like we're incomplete if we don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/spouse in our life? It's a nice additional benefit to life, I won't deny that. But it's not necessary. Like winning the lottery. I'd be happy if I won it, but I'm not going to be depressed for a week when I lose and the next numbers are called.

This also applies to all aspects of my life. Why would I want for anything at all? I have a comfortable home. Wonderful friends. Good family. A satisfying job. What more could I really want?

So I've made a mental resolution to not want anymore. I will focus on the areas of my life that are fulfilling and that I can control. Such as my performance at work. My Toastmasters goals. And spending more time with loved ones, including personal time for myself.

I will be stronger person. I will be that woman I once was. Proud and dedicated and happy.

What kind of title do you give an entry like this?

2008-05-02T11:54:00.002-07:00

Yesterday morning, I was feeling pretty good. I had received no phone call, I had finished a few work projects and my cold was going away. I started to get ready when I received a phone call from my grandmother. She informed me that she received a phone call from the hospital and that my mother had gotten worse. Still having my cold, I knew I couldn't visit her, but I told my grandmother to call me if anything happened.

I left for work and stopped at the drugstore and then my mind actually kicked into gear. I started thinking about how my grandmother sounded and realized that the situation did not look good. I rushed back home, picked up my laptop, and called my boss. I figured if anything happened, I didn't want to be so much as 5 minutes away from the hospital.

I arrived at the hospital and walked to ICU. I walked up to her room, figuring I'd find my grandmother and aunt there, but all I found was a nurse standing by my mom's bedside and holding her hand. I spoke to another nurse who was actually assigned to my mother, and she told me that my mother was doing much worse and that my mother didn't have much longer. I asked about my cold and the she told me to just put a mask on and go ahead in.

I put on the surgical mask and greeted the nurse standing by my mother's bed. Her name was Pam and in the short time my mother had been in the hospital, they had grown close. She repeated over and over again how glad she was that I was there then left me alone with my mother.

I walked to her bedside and was astounded at horrible she looked. It could have been worse. She had only a few tubes and a large oxygen mask, but she couldn't speak and her breath was shallow and quick. I didn't know what to do or say for the first few minutes. I just held her hand and smoothed her hair. Then I told her that I loved her. And tried to muster up all my strength not to cry in front of my mother. Unfortunately I failed that one small task.

Within about 10 minutes, my aunt and grandmother arrived. I moved aside so that my grandmother, more importantly her mother, could hold her hand and be there for her. You could tell she was aware of what was going on, but she couldn't respond.

The doctor arrived. He gathered us outside and started talking about how there was really nothing else they could do. After everything she had been through, the leukemia had finally done her in. We could choose to try dialysis but it would only prolong things by maybe a week...if she survived the procedure at all. The focus now was to keep my comfortable for what remaining time she had. According to the doctor she had a day, maybe two at the most.

After who knows how long, I walked outside to make the obligatory phone calls. I called my brother, and I called my two closest friends. R came over for his lunch and kept me company until K could arrive. I was amazed at not only how quickly they came, but that they were just there in the first place. They never fail to amaze me everyday.

K and I walked back upstairs and after a few minutes my aunt and grandmother rushed to my mother's side. After a moment I caught on. This was it. All of her vital stats were saying that in the next few moments, my mother would be gone.

We gathered close, and I held my mothers hand in those last few moments. She looked horrible. Not like my mom at all. I leaned down to where her eyes were focused and then after a moment I realized...they weren't focused at all. They were blank. My mother was gone.

We stepped back from the bed and held eachother. Looking at what remained of my mother. He body still twitched with what seemed like signs of life, but apparently it was just remnants of what the machines had done for her all this time. It was a filthy trick of nature and while I knew my mother was gone, those twitches still wanted me to hold out faith.

They eventually walked us into "the room". That special room they reserve for family members for a patient who had just deceased. The phone wasn't working and the table was wobbly. A woman rushed in and gave us a packet of information. It included a brief paragraph or two on grieving and what to do with the body. After deliberating awhile, we finally decided to have my mom's body cremated.

Everything after that was a mix of emotions. We went to Macayos. We ate. We talked. And then we went home. That night I had a few drinks and more food with a couple of close friends from Toastmasters. Then K and I went to Wal-Mart. While I was there I decided to purchase something to commemorate my mother's passing away. I decided on earrings that were my mother's birthstones...blue topaz. And then I purchased a necklace for my grandmother in the same color. We stopped by her house and checked on her. She seemed to be holding up fine.

When I got home and went to bed, I spied out of the corner of my eye a ceramic figurine my mom had made. It was two angels, one a woman and the other a child. My mother had painted it so the adult angel had brown hair and the younger, red. It signified my mother and I. I yanked it out, and held it for a moment. Then told my mother one last goodbye and that I loved her.

I cried a few moments and then pulled out my bible. After reading for a few moments, I thought about my mom and where she is now. And realized that she was in a much better place. And that she would be very upset if she saw how sad I was. Then I made a conscious decision to be happy for my mom. That I knew she wouldn't suffer anymore and that she really was in a better place. We had spoken about it before. We both had agreed that as Christians we felt death should be celebrated. It should be a joyous time.

Everytime I think of my mom now, I think of her reunited with old loved ones and being surrounded by extreme love and light. And then I think about the question my best-friend posed right after she had passed, "I wonder how many cats your mom's being reunited with right now?"

Figuring out priorities

2008-04-30T11:59:00.002-07:00

Okay, granted I haven't had much time to do anything with mom in the hospital and this darn cold. But I think it's that time. Major spring cleaning. And I'm not talking about dusting the cobwebs from my ceiling (well, hopefully to include...) but no! I'm talking about goal setting and prioritizing things in life.

I know what you're thinking and yes, perhaps to some degree this has to do with my mother's health and everything else going on. But...I'm tired of being busy, of being broke, and not focusing on those things that make me feel good and those things that make me feel happy.

For instance. K recently introduced me to this diet website. It's fantastic. You can chart and track all sorts of things. And you accumulate points depending on physical and online activities to perform. However, one week into it and I came to the realization that I was getting too obsessed with gaining points and not enough time doing other things.

I had to quit my okCupid habit too. I found that I was spending too much time doing trivial surveys and reading email messages from people I really wasn't interested in.

So what do I need to focus on now?
- Figuring out what my work goals are and organize my work time efficiently so it doesn't cut into my personal time.
- Figuring out how to visit my family, including my mother, on a regular basis but without driving myself into exhaustion.
- Figuring out exactly what it is I want from Toastmasters in the next 6 months and make sure my involvement in it doesn't take over every spare minute as it has in the past.
- Figuring out how to increase the quality of my life by managing my finances better, spending enough time relaxing, spending time on enjoyable activities such as movies, cartooning, and concerts, and making food at home. (I miss home-cooked meals. I'm tired of the fast food and resteraunt life.)

That's about it for now. Better not pile up my to do list or I'll never get anything done.

Quick Update

2008-04-29T19:30:00.001-07:00

Just talked to grandma. Mom's improving. Whew!

Sometimes I think a cold is just a small reminder from God...

2008-04-29T19:16:00.002-07:00

on what my mom is going through. Usually, I'm a pretty hardy person, but I woke up this morning with barely enough energy to hit my snooze button. This one really hit me hard. I can't even fathom what my mother is going through.

Anyway, I attempted to login to my work computer this morning. Made it through 5 minutes before giving up and literally passing out. I felt like someone had hit the side of my head with a frying pan. Sleeping it off seemed the only resolution to today's debacle.

However, around Noon, I received the best news I had gotten in days. I received a text message. It was from my brother.

I don't think I've shared but my brother moved out of my aunt's some time ago. Since then, he's been in and out of trouble. His cell phone was turned off a few weeks ago and none of us have been able to get ahold of him. I was the only one in the family he was talking to, so everyone was hoping that I would be able to get ahold of him to tell him about mom.

I guess his boss somehow found out about our mother and told him. As soon as he found out, he texted me. We chatted for a few minutes and I got the chance to ask him if he was okay and that above all else, he's still my little brother and I worry about him.

I worried that once he knew I knew what kind of trouble he was in, he'd stop talking to me. But he told me he got it all figured out and he just owed some fines now. I can't really go into detail, but him owing money is much better than the alternative.

At least that heavy load is off my chest now.

Now...I have to work. Ugh. Nothing ticks me off more than having to work while I'm incredibly sick. But it has to be done. So here I go...

Bleh.

My mom deserves better

2008-04-28T23:39:00.002-07:00

When you have a blog, sometimes you sit in front of the blank screen wracking your brain trying to think of something to write. Sometimes, your brain is so full of thoughts to share you think your head is going to explode. I'm of the latter mentality tonight.

However, one thought keeps going through my head regularly and that is my mom deserves better. She's done so much for other people her whole life. She took care of two husbands, two children, a mother-in-law with Alzheimers. She devoted her life to charity work during the good and the bad times.

My mom was always there for me no matter what. To this day whenever I hear the song, "Loves me like a rock" by Paul Simon all I can think of is my mother smiling, hugging me close, and rocking me back and forth wildly while she sings along. I remember her making the car "dance" by swinging it gently back and forth.

One of my fondest memories of my mother was when I got into trouble for something, I don't even remember for what. Probably for something dumb like not doing my chores or talking back. She scolded me then grounded me for a week without any television and sent me to my room. An hour later, she tiptoed in and whispered, "Elvira is on. You can watch this one movie, but then it's straight to bed missy. I don't want to hear you say your too scared to go to bed because I'm not letting you stay up." Of course, I got scared and begged my mom to stay up and watch MASH afterwards. My mom, being the punisher she is stated, "Well, okay, you can watch MASH, but then that is IT, you have to go to bed."

Every mother and daughter have a unique relationship. My mom and I were bonded by the fact that we were two women (three if you counted my grandmother who we lived with for a few years after my mother left my father) who were taking on the world together. I don't doubt for a moment that my mom loved me...adored me. I was her only child for 17 years. Her baby...as she still says.

My mom's eyes still light up when she sees me. She gives me a big hug and then apologizes for taking me away from my hectic schedule. My mother should've been jewish, she doles out guilt like it was air.

Now, my mother's life hangs precariously on the precipice of the unknown. Her body is inundated with fluids...her heart, her lungs. Her kidneys are close to failure and they'll be performing a mild dialysis soon in the hopes that it will improve the situation.

And here I sit. With my cold. Unable to even visit her. The one thing I could do. The one thing I could control.

I emailed my mom tonight. I know she won't read it for quite sometime. But it was something I could do. I'm hoping she'll come out of this. That a few weeks from now she'll read that email and shake her head at the insanity that we all went through. Hopefully someday soon, we'll all laugh at how she barraged the nurses with stories about her cat and how my aunt, a nurse, drew a bucket of KFC on the whiteboard under Special Instructions.

It's the unknown that drives you nuts. Not knowing if tomorrow you'll walk in and they'll be perky and begging for chinese food, or if you'll get that dreaded call any minute asking you to rush down to the hospital...even if you are sick.

Hang in there mom. We're all pulling for you.

I am sooo done with this month...

2008-04-28T11:55:00.002-07:00

I know...bitch, whine, complain. But this is what I do best when I have a cold.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, on top of everything else, I also have the sniffles. Although I was aware the odds were I was going to get this certain illness from my roommates, it doesn't make the fact that I have it any less bearable.

Goodness, when did I last leave you? I know it's only been a few days, but it seems like a month. Thursday I went home and played Rock Band, ate white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies, and watched television. It was blissful. I even got some sleep and woke up Friday feeling semi-normal.

Friday I did not get the chance to see my mother, but grandma and I decided at this time that we would switch off days visiting her. Then Saturday hit...

Saturday morning, I competed in an evaluation speech contest...and lost...but that's a story for another day. Apparently I did very well and although it was clear I wasn't the winner, everyone was wondering why I didn't get alternate (2nd)...anyway...no biggie. Actually a bit of a relief. The guy who won is in another one of my clubs, he's a good guy, and this means I have more free time to focus on what I need to.

We get out. I'm good but tired, we go to lunch, have fun talking, then head over to our regular Saturday afternoon Toastmasters meeting. (I had a speech that day, so I couldn't cancel although I was so tired, I was tempted). Get through the meeting, the speech, the evaluations, we're wrapping up and I check my phone. Two missed calls and two voicemails...from my grandmother and aunt.

Grandma? No problem. She calls me all the time. But grandma AND my aunt within minutes of eachother? I knew something was up. I took my phone outside and called my grandmother back. I guess mom almost did herself in by not getting enough oxygen. She crashed and then they moved her to ICU and put a permanent, larger oxygen mask on her along with some drugs to make her relax (aka pass out).

Between the phone calls to my grandmother, aunt, and the hospital, at one point I thought I was losing my mother that day. Very shaken, I had the R drive me to the hospital. We tried to get ahold of K (she was not feeling well so we forced her to stay at home for the TM meeting) but I guess she was passed out cold taking a nap at home.

Once I got to the hospital, I walked into the room and saw my mom looking better but very frail. The next day I got to speak with the doctor and he explained that the biggest problem is her lungs right now. If they can keep her consistently on oxygen, there's a good chance she'll recuperate soon. She can barely talk right now and is asleep most of the time when we visit (which is a good thing.)

So we'll see. With my cold right now, I won't be able to visit. I need to find out from the hospital how long I have to wait before visiting again. But it kind of sucks.

I'm at work right now, but still exhausted. Saturday night we did go see W's (roomies little bruddha) play. It was very hokey and W only had about 4 lines in it. It was still nice to get out though. The best part was seeing W frolic and dance during the May dance act. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Thanks W. I needed that laugh.

It's amazing...

2008-04-24T19:19:00.003-07:00

That I didn't strangle anyone this week. However, I did make it out of work at 3 p.m. today without having to do work when I got home. So what did I do...?

I promptly went home and played Rock Band. And now? I'm not working, not stressing...just relaxing. I wholeheartedly needed it. Thank God.

To say today sucked is an understatement...

2008-04-22T20:00:00.004-07:00

***Warning: Graphic details of a visit with my mother in the hospital in this entry.***

So in an effort to save my sanity, I decided to stay at home today. Of course, I had to negotiate it with my boss. My IM consisted of:

"I'd like to take the day off but know that's not feasible. Mind if I work from home today?"

To which she replied:

"can you get me the Tx counts"

Hmmm, okay. I'll take that as a yes. So I sat in front of the television all day, laptop on lap, struggling to keep connected to work for more than a total of five minutes at a time. Work a little, connection dropped, log back in, work a little, connection dropped, log back in, work a little, yell out in frustration, shake fist in the air, log back in.

So after about 4 hours of solid frustration (and listening to my roommate hack and cough and sniffle next to me on the couch suffering from a cold), I get a phone call from my grandmother asking what time we're going to the hospital. Thinking about a Toastmasters event I have to be at 6:00, I figure get over to the hospital by 3:30 p.m., leave by 4:30 p.m., leave the apartment by 5 p.m., stop by Wal-Mart to get a few things for the non-sickie roommate, and get to the TM meeting by 6 p.m.

Everything perfectly timed, right?

Got to the hospital by 3:30 p.m. That's as far into this perfectly planned schedule I got.

Get to the hospital. Wait around for an hour because the doctors have decided to visit at this time. The ear, nose, and throat doctor was the last to leave, rushing out the hospital room door without a word to either me or my grandma. We look at eachother in confusion and watch the doctor walk away, then try to figure out whether it's safe to enter the room. After a few minutes, we decide to go ahead and go in.

The first thing I see is my mom sitting in a chair, breathing quickly and shallowly, with a wide strip of dried-out blood between her nose and mouth. She's constantly bringing a kleenex up to her nose and hoping that this time when she takes it away, there will be no more blood. My grandmother and I ask a question of her every minute or so with no response. We can tell she's so focused on bringing her body back to normal, she doesn't even have the strength to utter a word.

Soon she raises her head and start responding with short, succinct responses. Large gasps of air she takes after each word uttered. She asks for a sip of apple juice and I prepare the drink for her in a styrofoam cup. After two sips, she fumbles for the pink plastic bin sitting next to her and then vomits up about 1/2 a gallon of dark red blood. I stare for a moment, trying to think of an appropriate response and realize that perhaps getting a nurse's attention might be the best idea.

I rush out into the hallway. Confused, because no one is looking up, I scramble to politely get the attention of anyone who would help me. Finally a girl looks up from her desk and I say, "My mom is vomitting up blood. I need a nurse." She replies that she'll find someone and I walk back to my mother's room in shock.

My grandmother is already hovering over her and I watch, helplessly, while my mother suffers her own personal hell. The nurse walks in and asks how long my mom has had her nosebleeds. After a short discussion on her health for the past few weeks they've determined that the blood is probably remnants in her stomach left over from weeks of suffering nosebleeds. They inform her that they'll still call the doctor to confirm, but that it's probably all perfectly normal.

Normal. There's a state of mind I keep seeking, but still have yet to acheive. I'm sure my mother's thoughts are probably running pretty close to mine.

The nurses leave and it's just me, my grandmother, and my mother again. I sit close to her on the bed and rub her back, wracking my brain for any solution that might make this better. My grandmother has obviously found her solution and she starts to talk incessantly about neighbors, and groceries, and "the good old times." I'm sure in an effort to distract my mother from her pain. I can't begrudge my grandmother for trying, but I struggle to keep my eyes from rolling back into my head. This is my defense mechanism. Getting extremely irritated with everything. Granted it's not the best defense mechanism...

So we sit and watch while my mom deals with the discomfort and tries to feel better, when the door pops open with a new visitor. The lady introduces herself as a representative from the American Cancer Institute. I think to myself, "Finally, someone professional who will come in and answer all our questions in a respectful, yet empathetic way."

Then she utters the only word that I know strikes fear and dread into my mother's heart: Cancer.

The rep starts talking about how she has brochures about cancer and information about remission and dealing with it. She's talking directly to my mother, and upon uttering the "C" word, my mother starts breaking down in tears. I respond with a look of my own that includes the "B" word, then try to redirect the conversation towards something...else. I try to deflect the harm towards my mother by asking the rep if she knows what type of cancer my mother has, to which she replies negatively. I try to compose myself for a mooment to avoid ripping her head off and then ask her if she could bring more information on my mother's specific diagnosis of Acute Myeloid Leukemia.

She keeps insisting that she has documentation on cancer. She says she understands what my mothers specific ailment is but all I hear is the description from the website I looked up earlier and horribly detached mannerisms which I'm guessing she thinks is a professional demeanor.

Many thoughts and feelings are coursing through me. Anger, defensiveness, irritation, sympathy for my mother. Somehow through all this, the logical side wonders if I'm overreacting. Perhaps I've just had enough and this woman is receiving the brunt of everything I've put up with in the past two weeks.

She finally leaves. I turn to my mother. And she's rolling her eyes. Somehow, this lifts me up. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought she was doing more harm than good.

We talk for awhile longer. My grandmother continues talking about groceries and bills. At this point, I'm pretty much staring at my mother while inserting an appropriately placed "Uh-huh" or "Ah-ha" in response to my grandmother's musings. I watch my mother drift off every once in awhile and my heart flutters in my chest in the hope that she's finally falling asleep and escaping the bad experiences of the day. However, after a minute or two she opens her eyes or raises the kleenex to her nose again and I sink back in my chair.

Finally, she gestures towards the bed and I get her to confirm with a nod that she's indicating a need to go to sleep. I jump on the opportunity and suggest that we leave now considering she's getting tired. We gather our things and I lean over to give my mother a hug. She clutches on to me and starts to sob into my shoulder. I ask her if she's going to be okay and my heart breaks at this odd role-reversal and my inability to do anything of worth to help my mom. I do the only thing I know will help and I tell her that while this day was shit, it will get better soon and that I love her. She thanks me and still clutches on. My eyes start to water and I try to control my emotions before she lets me go and sees my fear and worry.

We leave and I feel horribly guilty for leaving her there. I push down the anxiety and the sudden desire to just sleep in her room. We drive back and my grandmother vents her own frustrations about the ACS rep. I try to logic it out, but end up getting frustrated myself. When I finally drop her off, I only have two thoughts in my mind...to get cigarettes and to find out if there's any possibility to still make that TM meeting.

Normally, after such a stressful day I'd jump at the chance to cancel a meeting. But one of my closest friends is there. And another close friend, who has suffered through the same experience I'm going through, is also in attendance. I envision sitting down at a coffee shop and discussing the days events with them and feel my blood pressure lower. However, I soon find out the opportunity is missed and head home to figure out what to do with the rest of my day.

I hate these days. These days in which I have a plan to help everyone and end up feeling I've helped no one. Guilt wracks me although I know that everyone will understand the change in agenda. I'm fed up with having to negotiate my time and would love nothing better than to take a week off to spend time with my mother and then spend time to myself.

However, even as I write this, I feel the looming deadlines and know my responsibility will soon start. It is 9:40 p.m. and yet I still have a myriad of work tasks to undertake. I will stay up late, work, wake up exhausted tomorrow morning, work for a few scant hours, then head over to the hospital once again. Feeling guilt at not working enough, not spending enough time with my mom, not getting my Toastmasters tasks done, and then finally not forgiving myself.

I know this too shall pass. I struggle to take my own advice, that although these times are difficult, things will get better.

At least I have my friends. I couldn't imagine taking this on alone.

Time for a change...

2008-04-21T22:11:00.003-07:00

Okay...I guess it's time to update.

A lot has happened in the past month or so:
- Most importantly, my mother has been diagnosed with AML (acute myeloid luekemia). It is treatable, but she's in the hospital for about a total of three weeks (two weeks left). Being a caregiver can be a very stressful thing. I've been worn out trying to take care of my mother. I've been very fortunate to have really supportive friends, but going to the hospital everyday, try to work, and try to fit in Toastmasters has been wearing me thin.
- A got a promotion and a raise. Yay, me! Now to get ahold of my finances and actually have money left by next paycheck.
- I moved around my bedroom, it's much nicer and more comfortable.
- I'm going to give it the 'ol college try on losing weight again. Today I signed up for a weight loss website, tracked my calories and I was just a bit over. If I'm aware of it though, I'm sure I can get a handle on it.
- I have been competing in speech contests for Toastmasters. My next contest is this weekend. Wish me luck!

That's it for now. I crave a change in my life. Also, with everything going on, I'm remembering what a good friend told me about dealing with a loved one going through a major health issue: "You can take care of them, but make sure you take care of yourself as well."

I think it's time to really take care of myself. I'm not talking eating cookies, or going to a movie. I'm talking eating healthier, exercising, reading more often, perhaps picking up my comic again.

I need to finish up a couple of projects first. Perhaps by the end of this week, and then I can started on focusing on me again. Baby steps, baby steps.

I want to be #1 on someone's MySpace friend list.

2008-03-25T12:48:00.001-07:00

I've been extremely busy at work and with a Toastmasters project. On top of that, I'm sick.

I visited MySpace yesterday and for some odd reason was noticing people's friends list and a thought occurred to me...I'm nobodies #1 on MySpace. #2, yes. But no one's #1. And that's okay. It's a ridiculous idea. But still...

It's getting better all the time...

2008-02-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

betta, betta, beeetttaaaa...okay enough Beatles quoting.

Although I sit here all itchy as get out. Although I'm exhausted as all get out. Although I'm still sitting here working on my sick day. Things are getting better.

I've had a few thoughts run through my head lately about my single status. Or rather my lack of boyfriend companionship. There are a few things I miss about being in a relationship, but the size of that need is slowly dwindling.

I no longer get weepy when I see another couple cuddling. I no longer spend an hour before going to sleep thinking of my lack of bedmate. And when I'm sick, although it'd be nice to have someone around to take care of me, I no longer require it.

Don't get me wrong. I look forward to someday having someone in my life to share the ups and downs. However, at this juncture in my life, this is more of a luxury than a necessity.

This is good. This is progress. I'm finally starting to become stronger and more independent. Look ma! I'm maturing!

Gorgeous Weather

2008-02-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

I got my first taste of living alone this weekend. R & K stayed at a hotel Saturday night and Sunday morning. After our Toastmasters meeting, the two headed out and I had to deal with what I was going to do for the next 24 hours. So, I figured it was time for a new shirt. I went over to Macy's and picked out a hot little top that I'm not too sure can be used for business attire.

I then came home, to an empty apartment, and started cleaning. I know most people think this crazy, but when I relax and when no one is around, I prefer to clean. So I set about vacuuming and washing. I opened up all the windows and took in the fresh, crisp air....and started to relax.

After cleaning, I settled down to watch one of the movies I just bought...The Simpsons. The other two roommates came home and we ate Chipotle. Soon, they went to bed and I continued to watch tv. About 11 me and the dog went to bed.

The next day was just uneventful, but bliss. I relaxed on the couch and watched more movies. Started laundry. Gave the dog all the clean toys I just cleaned. When R & K called, I was happy to talk to them, but almost a bit dissappointed that my peaceful solitary was about to end.

I'm still enjoying the weather.

Dreamy sigh

2008-02-06T13:37:00.000-07:00

Oh Justin Timberlake...when did you grow and become so desirable?

Okay, I admit it. I bought SexyBack. However, I had no idea how freakin talented and sexy Justin is. He really did bring sexy back. With each song I listen to, I realize how diverse and dreamy he is.

Okay, teenage-like rambling, done.

Life has been okay lately. I decided to stay where I'm at, work-wise. Did I mention that already? I have no idea. I've been so busy, I know I've mentioned that lately. I'm getting somewhat of a grip on my job. The issue is that as much as I love my boss, her organizational skills leave something to be desired. (Boss, if you're reading this...what the heck are you doing reading a blog? and secondly, you know it. Don't argue it.)

Anyway, so I've been trying to get everything organized and prioritized at work. Think I'm doing okay, but waiting for that next project to turn the corner and pounce on me.

I'm starting to push back. With each day I grow just a little bit stronger and a little bit smarter again. Who knew that divorce had such a devastating effect on not only your emotions, but your self-esteem and just common sense. I've been in a fog for such a long time. I feel like it's only starting to clear.

On another note, I'm competing in a couple of Toastmasters speech contests. If you'd like to watch (that just doesn't sound right), email me and I'll let you know where they're at (if I know you.)

I think my new profession will be druggie

2008-02-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

During the past few days, I ended up with a pretty bad allergic reaction to something. I was horrendously itchy, and I thought I just had dry skin. However, upon visiting the pharmacy at my local CVS, the pharmacist looked at it and said, "Definitely allergies. Take some benadryl and itch creme. If it's gets worse, call your doctor."

So since that day, I've been a bit loopy. I hate being loopy, except for one thing. No cares. No worries. Everything is just kind of rolling off my back right now. Need that report asap? No problem. There's about 50 other requests you need today? Pushaw!

I am a little needy though. It would be really nice to have someone right now...to hold and care for me. But oh well, such is the life of a single girl. I have a teddy bear for cuddling and other toys for other areas that are lacking...

See what I mean?!?! No worries. Everything is just...whatev.

I'll check back again when I'm lucid in the hopes that I didn't post anything embarrassing.

Two posts in one day?!?!?! It's insanity!!!

2008-01-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

Can't help it...I'm sitting here stewing in my own mental juices.

K and I were watching a movie the other night...Hope Floats. This s a wonderful little movie about a woman who is jilted by her husband by finding out he was cheating on her on Jerry Springer. So she and her daughter move in with the grandmother to a little back woods country town. Harry Connick Jr, falls in love with her, she's confused, her daughter is angry at her...there's just so much going on in this movie.

I'll tell you what though, watching this movie after my divorce was a major enlightening experience. One of the points of the movie is that the main character is going through a heart wrenching time. She's confused and awkward and trying to find herself again.

THANK GOD, I"M NOT THE ONLY ONE!

I just feel not myself anymore. I'm quiet, shy, not aggressive or outgoing like I used to be. Definitely scatterbrained. It's aggravating. I don't know what I've reverted too, but I almost feel like that puppy you find at the pound that kind of skitters back when you try to pet it, and you just know something happened to that poor dog. I should probably seek out some professional help, but I neither have the time or the money. Perhaps sometime soon. Until then, I'll self-therapize.

(I know therapize isn't a word! But I can't help but grin, because everytime I see this word, I visualize Bush Jr saying it then going, "heh, heh, heh". Oh imagination, what would I do without you?)

Oh Neil...

2008-01-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

What is The Diamond trying to tell me? In deep contemplation of life, Neil seems to be the recurring theme lately when I'm trying to figure everything out and trying to get a handle on my sanity. He's always playing on the radio just when I need it. Why is that? What are you trying to tell me Neil?

Anyway, I miss my old work buddies today. I was just thinking about how frustrated I am at work lately, and realized I don't have my old support system. I don't think employers realize how well the buddy system works in keeping their minions happy. Before I used to be able to walk over to my friends desk, vent, and then move on. Now I just stew. It's miserable.

All in all, I am doing better. Trying to get a happier attitude about life in general. I think I was tested and passed quite well yesterday afternoon on this. Essentially I got into an auto accident. A minor one, but no accident is ever pleasant. After he hit me, the guy popped out of his truck to scream bloody murder at me. I briefly gave into this insanity and started acting defensively, then came to my senses, calmed down and resolved th situation. I was proud of myself.

So, what else? Gawd, there's so many things that go through my mind at any one time, but to share all would be a novel of War and Peace proportions. The only thing left that is foremost in my mind, is my inability to pursue those things that I really enjoy. I feel pushed for time on work and volunteer work. I just want a sane moment to clean my room, do my cartoon, maybe read a book. Ugh!

So, time to find the balance. I may block out my time, but it's very difficult given my erratic schedule and love of sleep.

Thanks everyone for the words of consolation and comfort! Talk to you soon.

Busy, busy, busy...still

2008-01-25T05:52:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's time to explain everything that's really going on in my life. I've been tentative to explain because I know a lot of people involved read this blog, or could read this blog (who am I kidding? no one reads this blog anymore).

A few weeks ago, a fellow Toastmaster mentioned that a position had opened up at her company and I should send along my resume. I figured, why not? So I sent it along, and she immediately replied that I would be perfect for the job and talked me into formally posting for it. I must admit that when I eventually saw the job description, I thought I would be perfect for it.

Well, unfortunately, when I posted my cover letter, there was an incident and my boss got wind of my new activity. I have NEVER posted for another job before or since, so imagine my horror for her to find this out.

We talked things over and eventually got past the awkward phase, but she's been repeatedly asking me about the progress of the interviews. I understand. Me leaving is a dilemma. I do a lot of reporting that no one else can do.

Now who knows how this will all pan out. Most likely it will all come down to money. (I hate to say that.) I really do enjoy the job I have now, although I'm stressed to all heck and receive no bonuses. But my boss is great with flex-time, which I appreciate to no end. And she's devastated at the thought of me leaving.

This other job puts me in the position of newbie status again, but I love a good challenge. The people seem good. Cafeteria. Potential bonus'. Larger company.

So all of this has kind of put my head in a spin. I have no idea what's going to happen. I seriously need a vacation.

You'd think I'd be happy

2008-01-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

I actually have several things I should be excited about.

A potential new job is one of them. However, my old boss is laying on the guilt hardcore about it. She says she doesn't begrudge me an opportunity, but... I have a 2nd interview this week. I hope I do well.

I made a proposal to Toastmasters yesterday and that went over extremely well. I'm now in charge of updating the arizona toastmasters website. Which I was excited by, but since Sunday morning I've just been in a funk.

These feelings just come out of nowhere. I was actually doing well until Saturday night. Then overwhelming feelings of loneliness just swamped me. These feelings used to come much more strongly. At least they aren't nearly as bad as they used to be.

I do appreciate my roommates/friends. Yesterday morning I just didn't want to get out of bed. They knocked on my door, harrassed me, then gave me breakfast and coffee in bed. Of course, after that scene, I had to drag my butt out of bed and be social. It's not them I'm grumpy with, just my life in general. Okay, my social life in general.

I think it started when something brought to the forethought of my mind that's it's been a year since I separated from my husband. A year. A year without someone to share with, a year waking up lonely in bed, a year going to sleep without someone, a year without someone to hold me, a year without making love to someone.

I do try to fend off these thoughts. I am a very finicky person when it comes to dating, however quite frankly no one has asked me. So I start wondering what's wrong with me. I wonder how much longer life will be like this. I try to resign myself to thinking that there may never be another in my life. (Especially if all that is left out there is married men and schmucks).

This morning I woke up with a sore shoulder. It intensely desires to be rubbed. I could go to a masseuse, but that takes money I just don't have right now. It would be nice to have someone to just massage it, to hold me, and tell me all those supportive things I need right now. Especially the old standby..."You'll get through this."

Life, thy name is exhaustion

2008-01-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

At least lately. I'm so tired, I don't even remember if I've blogged about this before. Oh, well.

There certainly has been quite a few things going on in my life. Most of this for the time being is Toastmasters stuff. Not only am I a member, but I'm also VP of PR for my club, assistant for registration for the officer training conferences, team lead on a fairly large district project, and well, there's always room for a few more projects in between.

As if that wasn't enough, work has been harassing me lately. It's to the point now, that when I see my boss IM or email me, I get anxious. Things are just so hectic at work, I'm going crazy.

On the flip side of that, I have an interview for a new job scheduled. It's a phone interview, so I'm a little nervous. I don't do well on the phone. I hate the inability to see gestures and facial expressions. And it's an hour long. Ugh!

My personal issues seem to have gotten better lately. I'm not so emotional or freaky-outy so much anymore. Just aggravated at lack of sleep and a life. But we'll see what the future provides. Hopefully a lot of this workload will decrease.

Well, I better get back to work again. Take care loverlies!

Okay...this is it...

2008-01-04T09:53:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I write a post and actually post it. Yes, I've actually written posts and not posted them. Simply because I got distracted by something else or was only halfway through the post and didn't have time to finish it.

So much to update, so I can only really choose one thing to talk about (because simply I still don't have the time).

This year I resolve not to make resolutions. I hate the word resolution. It's synonymous with "something I want to do, but quite frankly will never get around to." So this year, I'm making goals.

Now I haven't gotten around to actually setting them yet, but I have Franklin Covey on my side and as God as my witness, I will set my goals.

Off the top of my head I can tell you what I'm leaning towards or may include:

1) Being happy
Why is this not usually at the top of our lists? I know in years past, my #1 goal has usually included "getting finances straight" or "lose weight". This year it's all about Onyx's state of mind. I'm tired of worrying and being sad. So, I'm going to focus on those things that truly make me happy such as doing my comic strip, learning guitar, and making more free-time for myself.

2) Get my finances straight
Okay, so it didn't make top billing, but this is still important. After the divorce my finances got really screwy. Top that off with a smattering of Christmas cheer (aka spending way too much money) and you have a pretty debtful Onyx.

3) Improve health
I've been horrible at this one lately. I've lost weight but I haven't been drinking water, eating healthy, or exercising at all. It's time for me to step up my game.

I don't know about the others just yet. I'll probably throw in some "set realistic expectations" and "figure out what I want to do career-wise" in there too. Perhaps I'll even take a school course or two. Who knows. I'll let you know when I've finally figured it out.

What to say that hasn't been said before?

2007-12-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

So, I think it's about time I updated you on the status of Onyx. I've certainly been busy. I was hoping that keeping busy would keep me distracted from pondering life and all the depressing things. However, that hasn't been true. I just seem to get pissed that I'm so busy.

I think I made a few breakthroughs though. I was reading that self-help book and it suggested an exercise I thought was completely dumb. It suggested that the issues I have stem from mommy/daddy issues. Now, I've always assumed I had daddy issues, but tried not to blame my insecurities and in general, fuckupedness, on this. But in the spirit of the book, I followed this exercise of closing your eyes and remembering the earliest memory in which I felt abandoned. Fully expecting to remember my father ditching me, I was surprised by the atcual memory that bubbled to the surface...

It was my mother. It was my mother focusing on my step-father's needs when he was around. It was my mother lavishing me with attention when my step-father wasn't around. And ignoring me when he was.

This took me by complete surprise. And as much as I hate to admit it, it does make sense.

Anyway, that's as far as I've gotten so far. All my other time has been taken up with work and Toastmasters. Not much just relaxing and enjoying life. Although, I did buy a new purse...and matching wallet...and matching change purse. That was nice.

Spent the entire weekend at a TM convention, then looking at houses. The former was definately exhausting, but interesting. Okay, so was the latter.

Okay, okay, I really have to go to bed. But I'll share more later. And swear to visit more. Hope everyone is doing okay. Laters.

Self Help (no, not that kind...you pervert!)

2007-11-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

So...

I made a decision to purchase a self-help book to work through some of my codependency issues. I looked in the bookstore for about an hour, before deciding upon the least douchey book. I'm not a touchy-feely sort of person and I'm very particular about these types of books. I made sure the book I chose was at least authored by a professional in the field as opposed to some third-rate wannabe psycholigist/actress.

Anywhoo...

The book I finally chose had many areas and dependencies. I thought I had issues with co-dependency, whooo, boy, lemme tell you...apparently one of my largest issues is with fear of abandonment. I read this section and the fear started crawling up from the bottom of my belly and stuck in my neck. Just reading this section made me anxious.

One of the points they made, that fell very close to home for me, was that I get anxious when I don't talk to those closest to me for periods of time. I cling on, and when they leave, I get anxious that they'll leave (or lose interest). So I hound them or get angry at them when they haven't replied back to my emails/texts/phone calls.

Since the divorce this has become worse. Oddly enough, I left my husband in that scenario, but my abandonment issues have gotten worse. I get very anxious when people don't get back to me. Or if I feel threatened in social situations. Quite frankly, I feel like that puppy you leave at home. They just look up at you and whimper.

Anyway, the book says the first step to overcoming this issue, it recognizing it. So, I've recognized it and I recognize when it's happened in my day-to-day activities. I just keep repeating to myself that it's okay and people are busy and people need their freedom too and that I need to be okay just being me.

I did make a little discovery today. It seems that most friends and family in my life, that I've lost touch with, I've never spoken to again. I've always complained that if I didn't email or phone them first, we wouldn't be speaking anymore. And for the most part, that's what happened. When I stopped making the first contact, they never did.

Then I came to the realization that my friend Jackie never did this to me. Bless her heart, she's thousands of miles away, eight hours difference, and I still get little notes of encouragement from her. That gives me hope.

Of course, there's my mom and my grandma. Okay, and my aunt. But other than that....all my friends...ALL my friends in the past, I've lost touch with. Blue, R and K are the oldest relationships I have (other than Jackie) and that's only 3 years. Hell, I don't even talk to my ex-husband anymore. My father, his wife, my sister and brother...nothing. My closest from from my last job...nothing.

So that's a lot of abandonment issues to work through. I get anxious and paranoid just thinking about it. The little, okay large, niggle of fear works it way up from my chest into my head, and I just want to...I don't know...freak out.

So that's what I'm working on today...not freaking out. Hopefully, with a little dedication and some luck, I'll be able to move past that fear.

Today's the day...

2007-11-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

I get divorced. I cease to be (married name) and regress back to (maiden name).

Now, I thought I was handling this pretty well. I went to go pick up mail from my old house yesterday and ran across the ex. A bit shocking...yes. Also, he didn't know the hearing was tomorrow (cripes). But all in all afterwards I had a good five minute cry and then was in slight freaky-outy mode for the rest of the night.

This morning, I thought I was doing well until I got into work. I don't know if someone sneaks onions into my computer monitors, but for some reason lately, if I'm going to get weepy, it's in front of my computer screen. I know I don't look forward to work lately, but this is ridiculous.

So I freaked. One of my roommates, K, was sweet and sent me a few "you go, girlfriend" and "if you need to get it out, just get it out" emails. Which I appreciated, but I think just added to my insanity. Subconsciously, I think all of a sudden I was required to freak out and get emotional. So I freaked out and got emotional. I texted my other roommate and freaked out on him. We were supposed to have lunch today, but he potentially cancelled because he has work to do and meetings (pushaw). Anyway, after reprimanding him for not being a good friend (seriously, ditching me on D-day?) and generally telling him to shove off, I called him. This is how the conversation went:

R: "Why are you so emotional over this?"
Me: "I dunno. Because this is 'it'. The end of a 14 year relationship."
R: "I thought it was 'it' 8 months ago. What makes this anymore 'it'?
Me: "I dunno."
R: "You're being dumb. Stop being so emotional."
Me: "Damn it, you're right."

Okay, so he didn't literally call me dumb, but that was the essence. After thinking about it for a minute, I determined he's right. There really was no reason for me to go off the deep end. This is it.That's a good thing. There's no reason for me to feel guilty or anxious or sad. I was miserable. I should be celebrating today.

Of course, there's always that little niggle of guilt. I feel like I abandoned my ex and he plays on that as much as he can. But you know what? Fuck that! I supported, and loved, and coddled, and worked my ass off for that relationship! I even acted fairly throughout the whole separation.

So, yeah, I'm doing better now.

Haven't updated lately...

2007-11-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

because I'm not sure really what to say or how to say it. I feel as if I'm going through another transitional period in my life. It's a good transitional period, but it's making me feel very self-conscious about myself. First I'll explain everything that has happened in the last few days, just to catch you up. Then I'll go into the emotional whys of everything.

I'll start with Saturday (because that's as far back as I remember).

Saturday was my birthday. 32 years old. I slept in...somewhat...then woke up to my roomies bearing a gift. When I opened it up, I discovered my favorite (and probably least known to many people) movie....Harold and Maude. If you don't know about this movie, it's a dark comedy about the love that blossoms between a young boy and a very old woman. The first thing the roommates said to me was, "It's a love story, you perv." Ah, ha.

The card that came along with it meant a lot to me. It was a typical birthday card, but it was filled with quotes from movies and songs such as "You had us at hello." It was hilarious and sweet. For those of you who don't know, R, K, and I are very close. We're often referred to as the Three Muskateers and it even surprises us how well we get along.

Then K ran out to get doughnuts and I worked on my very first Toastmasters speech. It was an ice-breaker in which I had to explain to the audience who I am. However, I decided to turn things around and talk about who I want to be instead. I was really nervous. I think a lot had to do with the fact that I had to memorize about a page and a half worths of speech and my memory sucks.

At about 3, I gave the speech...very nervously. However, I did receive good reviews. I have another speech scheduled for this weekend. I really need to start working on it.

After that we went to Outback for dinner. They have the best steaks and vegetables there. The crown sang Happy Birthday to me and then we jetted out to go watch R's little brothers play...Dracula: The Musical.

Now if you live in AZ and like campy musicals, I highly suggest this play. The main character, Dracula, did an excellent job. It's only $25 at most, so get your butts over there.

It was R and K, R's brother B and his girlfriend, and two fellow Toastmasters R2 and S. It was great having R2 and S there as they laughed boisterously and this made the play all the more enjoyable. It's never good to watch a comedy with people who don't know how to laugh.

Afterwards we went to a wine bar and sat outside. We conversed and people-watched, then went home and crashed around midnight. All in all it was a good birthday.

However, Sunday, we met up with fellow Toastmaster friends (on unofficial business) at a bar to have breakfast. This certain groups of TMs are good people, but very outgoing and funny. At this point in my life, I've become a bit withdrawn and lately I'm very self-conscious around this group. I almost feel like the tag-along outsider who is always awkward around the group. I just can't seem to let loose around them yet. And it drives me nuts, because I feel like everyone is wondering why the hell I'm there.

So, I'm trying to get myself in the frame of mind to not give a damn. I mean, I give a damn about the people and the group, but quite frankly I need to get out of this bad habit of trying so hard to get people to accept me. If I'm not loud and funny and entertaining right now, I need to be okay with that. I'll get back to that eventually. But, I'm trying to accept myself right now, much less trying to get others to accept me.

Like I said, I'm in transition right now. I'm doing a lot of inward thinking and a lot of just trying to relax and let go. I almost feel like I'm in a struggle with myself between who I want to be and who I think others want me to be. Seriously, I'm 32. Shouldn't I have this figured out by now?

Could life be anymore complicated?

2007-11-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

I know, I've been updating like crazy now. But there's a lot going on and I feel inspired again because my friend also started her blog.

So...did I mention my car overheated this weekend and I had to call for repairs? Anyway, 24 hours later after my car getting towed off to the dealership in North Scottsdale, miles away because I have a specialty car, they found it on the lot. Also, 24 hours after not having a car, I finally got someone to agree to get me a rental.

Geesh!!! I was so stressed over this yesterday, I was in tears. Once again emotional Onyx came out. However, I'm feeling much better now and I just have to figure out how to get over there to pick up my rental.

Life has been a bit crazy lately, but you know me...I live off stress.

Oh! And I posted a new strip. I'm hoping to get back into this again. Thanks for all the support guys and I'll be visiting you soon. :-)

Comic strip: www.complicatedcomic.com

Not in a mood today

2007-11-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

Ugh! You know how minor things just pile up and piss you off? Well that's the way I feel today.

My car overheated today so I had to call 5 different people to figure out what to do. It's been towed, but no one has gotten back to me and apparently the only person who can tell me where it is, is too freakin busy to answer their phone.

Speaking of people too busy to answer their phones, my friend R has a document of mine that I asked him to email me; which he was supposed to email someone else; and still hasn't gotten back to me.

I have tons of things to do at work, and quite frankly I'm about to break out in tears over it all.

I'm not the same person I used to be, but I think a lot of that stems from the fact that I'm on my own again. Well for the first time. Anyway, which is another point, all of my friends aren't at work today and I don't have my car so I had to walk to Long Wong's and have lunch by myself.

I guess it's not that bad. Oh and my lighter doesn't work. If it weren't for the fact that two of my teammates are gone for the day, I'd go home.

*sigh*

I know, two posts in one day...what?!?!

2007-11-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

What a weekend and it isn't even over so far...

Friday we went to a benefit dinner. Meant to raise funds for a historical building, we ate well and enjoyed good company. Not bad. Towards the end of the night, there was an auction. R and I were assigned the task of pointers, while the auctioneer called out bids for marvelous vacation packages. But no one seemed to bid. So what did R and I do? We bid. R and K ended up with a 4 day resort vacation for $50. I ended up with a 5 day resort vacation for $100. I was excited, yet bummed at the same time. I got an awesome deal, but the benefit didn't.

Today, K conducted a training session with Toastmasters (and apparently kicked ass!) while R and I went to go watch my boss race at Firebird. Racing involved driving around cones at high speeds while being timed. I'm totally doing it in my mini next time.

Anyway, after the races we went to Macayos and then R, K, and I headed over to a Toastmasters meeting. I am now not only an official Toastmaster now, I am a VP of PR. (VP of Public Relations). Woo, hoo! More responsibility! Don't get me wrong, I am excited...but very exhausted right now.

Plus I have a few other projects in the works. Hopefully soon that will include another comic strip. Perhaps tomorrow.

Anyway, gotta go. I have a horrendous headache. Take care my loverlies!

I fell in love with an idiot...

2007-11-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

The first time I saw him, he was gorgeous. I was enthralled by his sleekness and his ability to impress, but could I engage in a relationship with someone who everyone else loved? His popularity called to me, yet disgusted me at the same time.

I waited and watched and thought, this guy might not be so bad. People see something in him. So I decided to give it a go.

At first he impressed me. He sang to me. And responded to my every touch. He was there for me most of the time and remembered every date I set with him.

But then I realized, he was cute, but horribly stupid.

He could keep dates, but couldn't remember requests. He could remember conversations, but couldn't comprehend images. An worst of all, he could only seem to communicate with a limited amount of others.

Oh iPhone, you're so cute, but so darn dumb.

Two Weeks?

2007-11-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

I think that's how long it's been since I last posted. I can remember a time when I posted every day. Twice a day.

So what have I been up to? Everything lately it seems. Let's go back to the last post...

October 19th through 20th
I have been involved in a lot of Toastmasters stuff as a tag-along to my roommate. Actually, I'm an official non-Toastmaster assistant. I've gone to so many meetings and functions, they pretty much treat me as an official Toastmaster. I should be joining an actual club soon, but I digress.

So that weekend the roommates and I headed up for a large Toastmaster conference. R and I ended up working our butts off setting up projection and sound. It was exhausting, yet fun at the same time. Due to the fact that both of us aren't Toastmasters and we worked all weekend, they gave us a special award. Special pin and standing ovation. It was extremely flattering. We received several comments that no one had ever seen any non-Toastmaster receive an award before. It was a very special night.

Aside from working, we did have some fun. Shared some good experiences. Ended up home without taking eachother's heads off. I guess I should mention briefly though that I was a bit irked Sunday night when we got back. I had been invited to go to R's mom's bday bash, and weeks prior I kept on trying confirm this. Five minutes before leaving I was apologized to and informed that I would not be going. Extremely upset to say the least. I had a good talk with R when they got back and resolved the issue though. (I'm trying not to make this a lengthy entry...oops, too late.)

Halloween Parties
Talk about busy. Okay, so Friday night prior to Halloween, we were invited to a Toastmasters Halloween party. I went as Marilyn Monroe, K went as a pregnant prom queen, and R went as another Toastmaster. We started out late. All of us got home late, left late, and hit traffic. Once we got there though, we had tons of fun. I had my glasses off for the first part of the night, and couldn't see anything. There were a bunch of cute costumes. I think the best though was Hugh Hefner and the retired bunnies.

Saturday we went to a house party that an ex-coworker of mine held. There weren't too many people there and I was the DD for that night, so it started off slow. We ended up staying for awhile though, and I started to talking to one guy dressed up as a cowboy. Cowboy Curtis, we tagged him. I thought he was interested, R thought he was interested, K thought he was an idiot. I should have listened to K. Oh well. Blueberry accompanied us too. She was a belly-dancer. It was a great costume for her.

Halloween Night
...was pretty uneventful. K spent tons of time shopping for our new costumes. Unfortunately R had class that night, so we spent the better half of it as his parents house handing out candy as 2/3 of Three's Company. I was Chrissie and K was Janet. It was great!

I think that's about it for now. I am feeling better. Not so schitzo. Not so emotional. Tired though. Geez. Plus I have another event to get to tonight. This is a 1950s themed benefit dinner. But it starts at 5:30 and is an hour away. What's with these people and scheduling things early?!

Songs of my life

2007-11-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Rose

In Order by Auto-Biographical

1) Rockin Robin - Jackson 5

This was the first piece of music I ever owned. I received a child's record player from my grandmother as a gift, and with it a few records. I used to play this record over and over. It made me so happy.

2) Loves Me Like a Rock - Paul Simon

My mother sang a lot. This was one of the songs she sang all the time. Pretty much anything folk music she loved. When I hear it today, I still feel like I'm in my mom's arms as a child being rocked back and forth and being sang to.

3) Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler

This was essentially my first publicly performed song. A few friends and I went to the fair and tried our hand at the recording booth. Of course, I butchered it, but to this day I still try to sing it to see if I've gotten any better.

4) If I Could Change The World - Eric Clapton

This was the only song Rob and I could agree to for our wedding dance. Ironically enough, and perhaps I should have taken notice of it, the dj ended up losing all his music and we ended up dancing to some country song instead.

5) All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun - Cheryl Crow

During my brief stint at ASU, this song was on the radio all the time. I used to drive to school each day with the window rolled down and singing at the top of my lungs, in complete agreement with Cheryl.

6) Typical Situation - Dave Mathews

When I worked at a construction company, I had about an hour and a half drive each way every day. I listened to a lot of Dave Mathews and I just thought this song was beautiful. This entire album was great.

9) Father of Mine - Everclear

Anyone who knows me, knows my daddy issues. Whenever this song came on the radio, I would nod my head in agreement and curse my father by singing the lyrics and driving fast.

10) Say It Ain't So - Weezer

"My love is a lifetaker"...need I say more?

11) How To Save A Life - The Fray

This song hit me right as I was leaving Rob and after I left Rob. It reminded me so much of what I had been through. All the angst, the trying...

12) I'm Still Your Fag - Broken Social Scene

I was a little leary of posting this one. Many people might get the wrong impression, but this is essentially the song associated with my closest friend. When I first met him, I thought he was gay. Actually I still wonder. :-)

12) You're Gonna Lose That Girl - The Beatles

I guess now that I'm kind of on the market again, this song is somewhat dedicated to my ex. He should've listened to John.

What amazes me the most...

2007-10-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

during this little conversion of my life, is the myriad of phases and emotions I've been going through.

It's kind of been like an 8 month long really bad PMS. I've gone from depressed to estatic to frustrated to clingy to lonely. And all within minutes of eachother. I literally have never had to do anything in my life this difficult.

I have not been myself for the past 8 months. I've been spacey and emotional. It's been...educational.

Hopefully the worst is over. I have not heard from the ex in a few days. There is a bit of relief breaking away from the last of the burden. No more dealing with his bills. No more being horribly broke.

I'll keep you updated.

Wow! It has been awhile

2007-10-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

I honestly thought I would update more often than this, but things have been kind of difficult. Let me catch you up...

As of yesterday, I officially told my ex that I am not paying any more of his bills. This means $1300 in mortgage and roughly $300 in utilities. This also means I could potentially lose the house. But, my credit is in the crapper and my bills need to be paid. I figure without paying his expenses, I can get my credit fairly back into good standing by January of next year.

The divorce is still going through. I'm in a waiting period until I can schedule the hearing. It's also our 10 year anniversary today. Hard to believe. Granted we had some good times, but then I also remember the heartache that came with every holiday. Tonight I plan on just relaxing and taking care of myself. No letdowns, no heartache, no expectations of something happening that won't.

Anyway, a bit emotionally drained right now, so I'm going to let you go. Hope all of you are doing well.

You may not hear from me for awhile....

2007-09-28T13:07:00.001-07:00

I don't know how to better sum it up than what I wrote my roommates in an email today:

I don’t know. I’m in a conundrum. I’ve been really depressed
lately. And I’ve been trying to work out why that is. I think you were right the
other night. I’m just a personality that needs to be needed. And now, that you
guys are busy and everyone else is busy, I’ve been feeling a little unneeded.
But…

I think it’s good. I think I actually need that. I’ve spent
fifteen years of my life constantly catering to other people’s needs that I have
no idea about my own. Or who I am. I’m thinking what I actually need is the
opposite of what I’ve been trying to accomplish, which is trying to find new
friends, a new boyfriend, finding things to do.

I think what I
actually need is just time alone. Time to rediscover myself and figure out who I
am without trying to provide for others. I’m just not sure how I’m going to
accomplish this considering my plate is so full right now. But what I need is to
just be by myself for awhile.

Or maybe I’m just crazy and looking
for answers anywhere I can find them. I just know that I’m just not myself right
now and I have no idea how to get back there.

Need to expunge

2007-09-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a few days, but I really haven't been myself. Extremely emotional. But today is my turning point. I will feel better today. I will get a handle on things.

Okay, I really meant to write more, but I'm getting a bit tired now. And I'm not really sure how to explain all the insanity I've been through in the past few days. Loneliness has certainly played a key part in this.

But today, I feel stronger. Today should be better.

Just can't stand myself lately...

2007-09-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

I've become this weak, needy, pouty individual lately. Whatever happened to the strong, independent, so-sure-of-herself Onyx I used to be?

I don't know if I've said this before but divorce plays havoc on everything. Your emotions, your self-esteem, your finances, your complete outlook on life. You become almost the opposite of what you were prior to going through all the crap.

So today, my mantra is: "I'm a strong, independent, smart, creative, funny, beautiful woman who doesn't need others to confirm or supply her self-worth."

Did I mention my best friend isn't at work anymore? Yes, this has gotten to me. But, I'm not going to stand for my self-pity anymore, damn it! I'm going to start moving, getting social, getting vivacious, and proactive.

I can't be this weepy, self-obsessed, depressed little weakling anymore. I have to snap out of this. It's really not healthy.

So no more self-conscious, co-dependent Onyx.

(This thesaurusical entry brought to you by the makers of chocolate, "If you can't afford Xanax, eat your way to happiness.")

That's just a joke. I've actually lost quite a bit of weight. I'm good. I'm good.

Internal Monologue

2007-09-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

So, if your crazy like me, you have imaginary conversations in your head. Hey! I'm aware they're imaginary. I have to blame my grandmother. She's the writer in the family, so I frequently imagine conversations with other people throughout the day. I guess these are probably things if I had the cajones to say, I would. But I'm chicken...anyway...

So obviously in some cheesy mood, I started to think:

"You have to understand. I look hard on the outside. Independent and capable and put-together, but on the inside..."

(this is where it goes downhill)

"...well, I guess you could say I'm like an egg. Hard as hell on the outside, but once you get through the exterior, I'm a gooey mess."

(which even I looked at myself funny, as in WTH? You, Ms. Onyx, are weird. The sad thing is...that analogy is completely accurate.)

And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away...

2007-09-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

For a few weeks now, I have these random moments in which I have a strong desire to go somewhere. Visuals of me in my Mini Cooper packed up with my cats driving along a road to many places pops into my head at random moments.

The other night I was envisualizing sitting on a California beach at night. Hands under my knees, waves rolling in, wind blowing through my hair, and the relection of the moon in the deep blue in front of me. Just sitting on the sand and experiencing the beauty. I don't think I've actually ever seen the ocean at night except in movies. I would like to do that...soon.

Earlier today I came across pictures of places I have a great desire to visit. These are ancient cities, relics, monuments of the great past. I want to visit these places more than say some museum or cheesy tourist attraction. These beautiful buildings nestled in nature...that's where I want to be. Someday...

Can you identify whats wrong with this picture?

2007-09-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

Take a closer look if you can't see it...

Yes, as my friend Karrie so aptly noticed...at the local grocery store they've placed the sugars next to the diabetics food section. Oooo, harsh.

How did we end up in this section and actually noticing this? Well one of my best friends has been diagnosed as Type II diabetic. Actually it's not too much of a change for him yet. He'll have to watch his carbs, take a twice daily blood reading, and start to take pills. Unfortunately the day we decided to get all healthy food in the house, he also noticed that a certain ice cream brand is now carrying fried ice cream flavored ice cream. Oh cruel world!!!

It's only been two days?

2007-09-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

Seriously...I feel like it's been a week since I last posted.

I finally found out why I've been feeling like crap. It was only a matter of time, I suppose. What, with all the stress and everything going on in my life.

So the past two days my throat has been getting this tickle. I've been coughing a lot more recently, but I figured it was from my chain smoking the last few days (hey, it's been stressful). So last night, it bugs me even more. I go to bed, then wake up gasping for air at about 3 a.m. Talk about freaked out. I'm amazed that I even went back to sleep after that little scare. Wake up this morning, and I feel like hell. My throat is bugging me, I switch off between dizzy and tired, not to mention I was cowering over the ole porcelain throne this morning. Ugh! So obviously I've caught some kind of bug. If it persists more than a few days, I'll visit the doctor. I'm suspicious that it's allergies or perhaps strep.

Anyway, the ex has been pretty decent the last few days. After our little Friday debacle, he texted me to let me know he got the papers. He called the mortgage company to say it would be okay for me to take over the house. The only issue is I called them yesterday, submitted my application, and the guy said he would get back to me with options. I haven't heard from him since, so I think I've provided him with quite the case. Things haven't been easy since the seperation and now I'm 1/2 the buying power I used to be. So cross your fingers for me.

Other than that, doing well. Just trying to get through the day without going home sick, but I feel it's probably inevitable. Thanks for all the kind comments. I'll be sure to visit soon. :-)

Oh...My....God....

2007-09-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

I'm so freakin tired, but quite honestly I think I'm just coming down from everything. Let me recap this weekend...

Friday, I finally did it. I finished my divorce papers. I drew it up in a fashion that I thought was both fair and equitable (my favorite term for the month) for both of us. I dragged my friend Karrie down to the courthouse then stood in shock. Not only from the fact that I was finally doing it, but that it was so freaking easy. Well that part at least. The part where you hand over the documents you've been stressing over for months, only to have some clerk quickly stamp and hand them back to you after you fork over $300.

So...after I filed for divorce, Karrie and I started Step #2. We deliberated for a good half hour over how to deliver the divorce papers to my husband. Don't believe the movies. While you can serve summons through a process server, you also have the choice to just hand them personally over (and then wait for them to go notorize the acceptance), or you can have them sent certified mail (at least in Arizona).

I wanted to be nice...really I did. I called up the ex and told him I had filed. He freaked. At first he said he was going to contest it then he started muttering about "whatever". Then I asked if he wanted to meet me at a bank to have it notarized, but he just wanted me to leave the papers at the house. Well, I want to get this all done as soon as possible...we made agreements about the house and I just want it all processed. So I sent him the divorce papers certified mail. I haven't heard from him since Friday and UPS already tried to deliver the papers but apparently he wasn't home.

Seems like there's always going to be something to worry about. Him accepting the delivery. Him not contesting the divorce. Him calling the mortgage people, me getting my loan, me paying off the debts...

However, I am a little excited. If he doesn't contest it and we can move in relatively soon, we saw some really nice kitchens at Ikea the other day. Karrie believes it will cost us about $10k to redo the entire house. I hope so. I might be able to just afford it.

Anyway, exhausted today. My good buddy and comrade started his new job today. I'm without break buddy, but I really am excited for him. I love new opportunities. I just want Karrie to be happy now.

*sigh*

Well another day, I better get back to work. Take care all!

Emotional Entry

2007-09-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

Most times, right before I start typing, I sit and deliberate in front of my keyboard if I really want to post what I'm feeling at the moment. I feel it's important to get my emotions out and share what I'm going through...a bit of an exorcism. However, I also know by the end of the entry I'll be crying my eyes out. It's almost like searing a wound to close it up. It'll feel like a bitch while it's being done, but you feel a whole lot better after the fact.

A lot has been going on in my life right now. My closest work and home bud is getting ready to leave me (at work.) As an adult this should be a bit disheartening, but as a emotionally-fucked up person, I'm really dreading the breaks and lunches without one of my closest confidantes.

Also, this friend recently received some news about his health the other day. It's not fatal, but certainly life-altering. It was a bit of a shock, but it can be managed.

My other closest friend is going through some stressful times herself. In the process of looking for another job, and dealing with her boyfriend's issues, I'm certain it gets to her. She's been incredibly busy, yet she still finds the time to pull me out of my funk.

Which brings me to the most stressful situation in my life at the moment. I spoke to a lawyer, he said we could proceed with our plans as long as we're both in agreement about it. I just have to draft up the papers and submit them. Then that will be it. I don't know if I'll be able to keep the tears from coming as I walk into the courthouse and submit the paperwork to end a 14 year relationship officially. To add salt to the wound, you have to pay $300 for it as well. I'm fearful that the clerk will look up at me and say, "Are you sure honey, cause you look awfully distraught."

Of course, I'll be sure. Of anything in my life, I deliberated over this choice the most. I'm certainly miserable at the moment, but still not as miserable as I was. At least at this point in my life, I know there's hope for something better. Change. Even if I don't feel very hopeful at the moment.

Aside from all of this though, and I'm being quite openly honest about something that irks me more than anything, sometimes the most heart-wrenching thing of going through all of this, is going through all of this alone. I know I have my friends. I have my family. And they (you) have all been awesome.

Yet...I was married for 10 years. In a serious relationship for 14. Granted it was no cake walk, but I miss the good parts. When you're with someone, no one cares about you more than that someone. You're not an afterthought. They get little wrinkles in they're forehead from worry over how you're doing. You have secret jokes. Share secret glances. When you're not feeling good, they do everything in their power to help you. They tell you how wonderful you look today. They tell you they missed you. They touch you, embrace you, hug you, snuggle with you. Human touch should never be taken for granted. I miss that the most. Nothing compares to it. Not a pet. Not a teddy bear. Not a big fluffy pillow.

More than anything, I miss that. I didn't have much of it when I was married, but God I miss that.

And some days, I sit out on the patio and I tell myself that I don't need that. That I'm a big girl now. That I need to learn to live without that before I can have that again.

I'm such a liar.

Brain has checked out...

2007-09-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

One thing I'm hoping that will occur after the finalization of my divorce is the return of my mental faculties. I've been so emotional and spacey and retarded since all this has been going on. It occupies my brain a majority of the time.

As well as the divorce, I've been worried about my friends and finances and work. I think my brain is overflowing with everything. It's just pushing my common sense and listening skills right out the door.

Example: Kris, Karrie and I went to lunch. When Karrie dropped us off at work again, Kris realized he didn't have his phone. So he called Karrie from my phone and asked her to look around the car to see if he had left it there. When she called back, the reasonable thing to do is just hand the phone over to Kris...but no...I wasn't thinking...so I answered the phone....awkward moment...Me: "Did you find it?"...Her: (silence) "Uh, yeah"...Me: "Ummm, do you want to speak to him?"....Her: "Uh, yeah."

I know...not that big of a deal, but stupid and I keep beating myself up about this kind of stuff. I'm really sensitive right now, so most of my conversations with people are followed up with me obsessing over analyzing the conversation for the next hour or so hoping I didn't piss anyone off.

*sigh*

Admittedly Hiding Out

2007-09-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

My mother and grandmother are wonderful human beings. And granted I had three days off this weekend, but I just wanted to hole away at home again. I feel like I should have visited them, but I just wanted to park my butt on the couch and zone out to video games and movies with my friends. I did get some things accomplished this weekend: went to the lake, drew up some papers relating to the divorce...

This whole divorce is just exhausting me. I feel like I don't want to visit anyone or do anything until it gets resolved. We did find an alternative solution, but may not be able to do it until the divorce is finalized, which is aggravating, but oh well. Anything worth doing, is worth not rushing, I suppose.

I've had a lot of thoughts and emotions running through me lately, but just haven't had the energy to put them down to paper, or rather blog.

So I'm going to sign off here.

Mad Update

2007-08-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

Only because I really don't have the time, but I want to get my 5 Positive Things in and while I'm at it, a breif update would be good.

So....

Things have been going well, but I had a 1:1 with my boss today and I think she thinks I'm wigging. She keeps asking me if everything is okay and wanted to meet with me twice today. Will have to ask about that. Granted I'm a bit scattered today, and have no idea why, but I'll be okay.

5 positive things:
1. My hair looks great today. Already received two compliments and one from a random person. Crazy!
2. While I don't like to think about it, ex is going to get money from his grandmother's will. So this means freedom for me if he can manage it well. At least a temporary reprive from bills.
3. I got a cartoon out yesterday. I really need to do these more often, but that's not the point of this post.
4. My boss has confirmed training will occur in the beginning of next year. This is well-received and about darn time!
5. I'm excited about doing Toastmasters soon. Also, maybe doing Weight Watchers soon too with my roommate. This would be awesome as I really suck at doing stuff alone...well...most stuff. ;-)

Anyway, hope everyone is doing well.

Funny

2007-08-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent me this one. It was too funny not to share:

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in
her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your
butt?"

I have all intention of working...

2007-08-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

but my heart just isn't in it.

I just have so many things going on personally. (I guess that's a first.)

Went to a Toastmaster's meeting with Karrie yesterday. I was having so much fun even though I'm not a member. Was taking notes and really getting into it. In the notes I sent Karrie, I admitted that I would love to be one of her assistants. I think I've reached a point in my life where I need to be challenged again...and not just by finances.

The weekend was good. Helped Karrie with another Toastmasters event. It was a lot of work but a lot of fun too.

Hopefully tonight I can get around to doing another comic. Karrie called out sick today and I'm extremely envious. Quite frankly, Kris called out yesterday, so I went home early to tackle some personal issues (I have everything pointing to my personal bank account now because the ex keeps taking money out of mine), so eventually I just said screw it and ended up working from home the rest of the afternoon. I may do that today too. I love my job.

My roommates are exhausting me!

2007-08-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, well it's not that bad...but we have been going out for dinner just about every night. Plus the whole weekend is booked. I have things to do, but quite honestly not the oomph to do them.

Anyways, last night was fun but tiring. Got home, and Kris immediately had a conniption fit. His XBox died. The red ring of death showed up. So he borrowed my phone to call Microsoft, and waited on hold for a freaking hour. I know it was an hour because we had the phone on speaker and the minutes were counting off on the display. Last time I checked it, it said: 00:53:49. And we still had to wait after that.

Unfortunately while we were on hold, Karrie called. I offerred to take them both out to dinner but we had yet to set a place or time. The first call came through and Kris didn't recognize the number, so he continued to wait on hold with M$. When the next call came through we wondered what was up and answered it (thank God for automatic call waiting). After rushing Karrie through the call (which I felt really bad about because she had been trying to get ahold of us, both of her cell phones were dead and she was about to leave work); we quickly switched over to the other line...and found out we were still on hold.

Finally Kris got in touch with them, they tried a few things, then threw their hands up in the air and told him to ship the unit. This is the best part. This is a known issue with the XBox, so shipping is free, the repair is free and they're giving him a gift card for his time. Katamari here we come!

Okay, so we head out at the last minute to meet Karrie at the resteraunt. It was a place I had never been to before but had coupons for (yes, I'm that kind of person). I was expecting something much different. It was a loud sports bar, but with plenty of eye candy.

After finishing our meal (which apparently was delish because I finished everything on my plate), we spotted the guy who sold us our cars. Nice guy. Stinky adorable. We went to say hi, then Kris started asking him about some check of his they were supposed to cash. Karrie and I admonished him, then said our goodbyes and walked out the door.

Next on the agenda? Wal-Mart. Karrie has a large contest to put on Saturday, and had to get lots of prizes. So we ended up browsing the store for a good amount of time. I was tired, her ankle was hurting, and Kris had to meet us back at the store because I had his house key. She did buy my a really cute Beatles t-shirt though. Can't beat those Wal-Mart prices.

We get home, I crash, Kris cruises the internet, and Karrie is cursing her computer. I tried to help her with it but to no avail. So I gave up around 11, read two pages of the new book I got from Wal-Mart and then slept. I was incredibly tempted to call in today. I'm so tired. But I have way to much to do.

So...5 positive things for the day:
1. I didn't do so badly on my diet yesterday. Granted I pigged out last night for dinner, but most of the day I was pretty good.
2. I have money again, even if shortly.
3. My weekend is all booked up of fun stuff to do.
4. I think the sales guy likes me. He keeps on pressuring us to come by for a free car wash. It's always nice to get attention from a cute guy.
5. Breakfast was free today. A vendor brings in bagels every Friday. I love me some bagels.

Yesterday...

2007-08-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

was pretty uneventful other than getting money from the ex finally. I figured out my finances last night, and things are pretty tight for the next couple of weeks.

But all in all, last night was pretty uneventful. I had about an hour to myself. First, the third roomy came over to visit (he's currently housesitting, so he doesn't live with us right now.) Then I spent about half an hour watching the end of Cape Fear. Then Karrie came home, we got Taco Bell, then watched Kathy Griffin reruns.

Oddly enough we stayed up until about 11. Time just flies by. We did have a short celebration for Kitty. It was her adoption birthday, so the roomies broke out with the cans of tuna.

5 things I'm grateful for today:
1. I resisted the temptation of a calorie-laden breakfast.
2. It seems I made my deposit quick enough to the bank as I haven't incurred insufficient funds fees...yet (cross your fingers).
3. The boss is out today, which hopefully will make my day a little less stressful. She's a great boss but everytime I seem to finish a project, she sends me two more.
4. I'm driving my little mini today. I always have fun driving that.
5. The realtor finally sent me the listing of things to improve around the house, so perhaps this weekend I'll tackle that.

Just some pics of me having fun to offset all the negativity

2007-08-22T10:14:00.001-07:00

This is Karrie and me, having fun with posing right before going out. We made Kris take our picture a billion times before taking it over and taking the lower pic.

Discouraged

2007-08-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

Just when you think things can't get any worse...

Okay, maybe it's not that bad. It's just finances. Seriously, I work hard for my money. But supporting my ex is killing me.

He told me that he got paid today, but it's only enough to cover one utility bill. Or half of one utility bill and something else. A bit discouraged by that.

I found out his new job is selling cars. So, who knows how much will be coming in. I'm thinking at best the same amount I'm getting today, twice a month. At best, who knows. If he sells cars well (which quite honestly, he's always been a good salesman), then hopefully things will improve until the house sells.

I really don't want to give up on this house. I'm probably being stubborn, but it's hard to just throw away something you worked so hard for. I need to stop getting frustrated with myself too as I really didn't do anything to put myself in this situation (other than be a doormat), but I refuse to punish myself mentally for being a good samaritan. It's just not within my nature.

Okay, time to get proactive and positive:

5 things to appreciate
1. Even though things seem insurmountable, things will get better. He'll be getting some pay, which is better than the $0 I have been getting from him.
2. Nothing stays the same. Something is bound to happen to improve.
3. I am not without options. Although I'd rather not have to make these decisions, I have several options open to me, from severing all ties and saying screw it all to taking out a house loan and paying a whole bunch of stuff off.
4. I have been practising my guitar a lot more lately and making progress. I can play two songs (very slowly) now and starting to learn my third. This is something I've always wanted to do and now I am acheiving it.
5. Actually, I could say a few things here. Not all things are bad in my life. I have great friends, my family, a good home, a good job. My health...sorta...need to start excerising more. But then again I need to stop saying 'shouldas' too.

Time to catch up

2007-08-20T08:27:00.001-07:00

It feels like it's been a month since I updated. I know I haven't been a very good co-blogger, but I really do appreciate all of your comments and support.

I know this weekend wasn't really busy, but I sure feel like it was. Let me think back....

Friday, we went out for dinner, I know that...but darned if I remember, oh wait....that's right, we went to El Paso. This is what happens when you get older. The memory starts to fade. Anyway, I remember complaining because I'm low on funds, and the roomies have been taking me out for food...a lot. Soon I'm going to end up looking like a whale. So I just had a side salad, some suateed mushrooms and one potato skin. Man, was I full!

Saturday, my female roomie, I really need to name her...I'll use her cartoon name, Karrie, had a convention to go to, so Kris and I were left on our own. I remember...not much. Seriously, this is an issue. Let me go over what I do remember...yesterday.

Yesterday, Karrie had to work, so I got up and made them breakfast (not unusual because I'm usually not hungry in the a.m. but feel bad that the poor girl has to work so much.) After she left, Kris played video games and I cleaned up a bit. I had grabbed my dvd player (on Saturday, ahhhh, it's all coming back now), and had to set it up. Looking in my room, I had a lot of furntiure but not much room to work with. After staring at the peices for probably a good half hour, I finally found a configuration I was comfortable with.

After moving things around for awhile, Kris' brother came over and hung out for awhile. We ran out and shopped and ate and just in general had a good time. When we got back, Karrie had also returned in dire need of Thai food (I'll get to that later.)

We had found out earlier that Kris' little brother was in the market for a car. He wants to spend $3000, but doesn't know how to drive a manual. After much looking, Karrie finally jumped up and told the little brother to follow her. Bless her heart, she was going to teach him how to drive stick....in their new VW Jetta Turbo. That girl really surprises me sometimes.

Unfortunately we never found a car good enough, but we'll keep looking.

The Thai food? Oddly enough, this is Ms. Karrie's favorite comfort food. I picked up on this earlier. Whenever she would have a trying day, I would stand up and declare it was time for Thai food. lol After months, I found out Kris' weakness too...Prime Rib. Oddly enough, I don't really have a comfort food. About the closest you will get is Baskin Robbins mint chocolate chip ice cream...just a cup though.

Anyway, I digress. Some things are getting better. Some a little more difficult to deal with.

Karrie told me about a neat little trick for a better outlook on life. It's to list 5 positive things each day. I'm going to try to remember to do this, starting today:

1. I'm grateful for goods friends who are not only willing to move to a new apartment with me, take in my cats, put up with my funky days, and listen to me karaoke; but also take care of me when I'm disgusted with my finances and can't afford a QT taquito much less an entire dinner.
2. I'm grateful that my mother is doing better and while although she has to return to the hospital today, still has a good outlook on life. I'm truly grateful that she's still with us.
3. I'm grateful that I finally got off my butt and rearranged my room to something that works for me.
4. I'm grateful that I still have a job to go to and lots of opportunity to still grow.
5. I'm grateful that while although times are a bit difficult today, I know they'll get better.

Not sure why I'm having such a difficult day today

2007-08-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

First of all, it's not easy being semi-single. Quite frankly I'm the type that attaches myself to one or two close friends and beyond that, I don't have much of a life. So when those friends find something else to do, I'm at a loss. I think partly I need to make my room a little more Amy friendly. My desk doesn't have much space, and my bed isn't the best for chilling. My cats leave hair all over the place too, which is a bit uncomfortable.

Anyway, I think part of it is also the stress and the workload. Workwise, I have two projects due today. One is very difficult, but I'm sure I'll get it finished.

Personally, well...finances aren't great. Still paying a lot of bills that the ex kind of left out there. Therefore, my spending money isn't much. For once, the roommates have an excess of cash, so it's difficult watching them spend on stuff they want and need, while I'm trying to figure out how to make $60 work for a week and a half (til next paycheck).

I lowered the price on the house, however the ex hasn't been keeping that up very well. What little there is left of the yard, hasn't been well kept and it's difficult to try to sell a house when the grass is knee deep. Plus, I found out the air conditioning isn't working....well. I need to get the warranty people out there to try to fix it. But I have no money.

I want to file the divorce papers, but frankly I haven't had the time to draw them up myself yet. Also, it will cost me $575 to get someone to look over it and file. Money, once again, I don't have.

All in all, I'm just overwhelmed. Much to do, and all I want to do is hide under the covers and sleep. I'm sick and tired of handling everything.

And lastly, although not that big of a deal...I work with my closest friend. Unfortunately, odds are that he's going to have another job here soon. This means no more breaks and lunch with him. I'm tired of losing friends at work and then having to make new ones. Guess I'll be turning into a workaholic here soon.

Things will get better. Just going to take some time.

Not Sure...

2007-08-07T09:11:00.001-07:00

well I guess of anything anymore. Having an emotional day today.

Yahoo Launchcast really should have a "Songs NOT about relationships" channel.

BTW, did a new comic but having problems with the homepage. Here it is:

A bit of a bad day

2007-08-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

So this weekend, my roomy and I purchased new cars.

This is my little beauty. Isn't she adorable? 2006 Mini Cooper.

Anyway, yesterday didn't seem like an unusual day when I woke up. Little did I know....

All weekend long I was trying to track down a supposed check cashed on my bank account for $400. Had no idea where it came from. There was nothing I could remember cutting a $400 check for that hadn't already cleared. I had my suspicions.

So I called up the bank on my way to work. Come to find out that it wasn't a check. It was a withdrawal. I started to get angry and racked my brain on the off chance that perhaps I took out $400 and forgot. Nope. So there was only one other conclusion. My ex.

I called him three times. Then bitched him out. See...I have been paying mortgage on a house I don't live in, utilities for air conditioning, electricity, trash, and gas I don't use, a cell phone bill for a phone I don't talk on. After all these things I took care of for him, he took money from my (okay well legally our) account.

I bitched him up and down. He left me no money until my next paycheck, which is at least a week off. Then I promised him that I would be opening my own account that he would have no access to.

Get through that, get off work, go to the car dealership to get gas for my new car...and they tell me that the bank quoted the wrong payoff on my vehicle and I owe another $500 up front. Seriously?!? Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but I seem to have lost $400 overnight. So after stressing, I agree (because I love that car), sign the promissory note and head out.

Come home. Eat dinner. Have to work. Get a text message.

The ex lost a dog. WTF?

Thank God he found him later, but I've just about reached max patience with everything.

Well I have to go. Work to do. Hope this finds you all much better than me.

Freezing my ass off

2007-07-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

But that is besides the point. I seem to be undergoing a slight metamorphisis.

My mind seems to volley back and forth between feeling alone because I'm not in a relationship, to not wanting a relationship until I can feel fine not being in a relationship.

However, I do seem to have this confidence about me lately. I'm somewhat single, in my thirties, successful, able to pay bills (even if a bit strapped at the moment). I'm fairly decent looking. Keeping my room clean. Have a nice new car (oh yeah, I got a new car...2007 Toyota Camry LE...love it.)

I was at my mom's the other day. My grandmother gave me a big hug and told me how proud she was of me. Me...the succesful career woman of the family now apparently. I kind of twitty-headed on that one.

Me? Successful? Career-woman? You mean like all those grown up women I see in the movies and on television? Wait...let me think this over.

Nice job? Check.
Good pay? Check.
401K and insurance? Check.
Nice car? Check.
Good hair and manicured nails? Check.
House? (Hmmm, check yet uncheck)
Good friends and fun times? Check.

Anyway, taking stock off my life, I realized that I finally made it. I'm a thirty year old woman, settled in her career, just enjoying life now that I've worked all that time to secure myself a comfortable living. I work. I've taken up guitar. I go out with friends. I'm somewhat settled in my ideals and opinions. And I'm just enjoying all I worked for.

Not sure where else I'm going with this other than to say, "Thank God, ma. I finally made it. I can finally relax."

Looks harder than it is

2007-07-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

I was laying in bed the other night, tons of thoughts drifting in and out, and somehow I started to think about death. I was thinking how much easier it is now that she has passed. I wondered why that was and immediately came to the conclusion that it was the dying part that was so difficult. Death, in itself, was the easiest part to get through.

She didn't suffer for long. She was in the hospital for about two months. After the surgery, it was only a couple of days until she passed. It was sitting there, watching her, seeing her fragile and hooked up to tubes and monitors, that was so difficult.

As a christian, I never understood grieving over the death of a loved one. Certainly not wanting them to suffer would be acceptable...but as a christian, isn't death supposed to be a joyous occasion? This is the time we've all been waiting for. Being reunited with loved ones, no suffering, answers to all the big questions.

Her funeral is this Saturday. It'll be an awkward occasion to say the least. All of my in-laws will be there. I feel mixed emotions about it. The funeral is really more for the living than the dead. She's already passed. What lays in the coffin is nothing but a shell.

The selfish part of me doesn't want to go. But the logical part of me knows I have to. I have to show my respect. Give my condolensces. Talk to people I haven't talked to since I left my husband. If anything, it's just a show. Any words, any feelings I have towards my grandmother-in-law could be said or done from anywhere.

This may sound callous. But I'm not an emotional person. Well, except for fear. I do fear going to the funeral. I fear the uncomfortableness of it all. The inability to find the right words to say to people. Knowing that when I go up to the coffin, I'll want to talk to her but most likely won't because I don't want anyone else to be involved in the conversation I have with her.

So what I would probably say on Saturday, but won't, I'll say now:

"Although you were a grandmother-in-law, you will always be my grandmother. I wish we could have spent more time with you. Wish we could have given you the time and care that none of us seemed able to give. Thank you for treating me as part of the family. Thank you for never looking at me as an outsider."