Time to journal again. Something recently reminded me that I have a blog and that I haven't journaled in awhile.
I read through old posts, and each time I do, I realize I wasn't half bad at writing. I do realize that I was half writing for myself, but I also was aware that others were reading as well. At the beginning of this journey, I had other bloggers who read my content and I theirs. Long past are those days. I'm not even sure anyone read these anymore, but my intent was partially just keeping a record for myself, so I tread onwards.
I fear that perhaps my writing style has degraded though. I read through past posts and hope that I still have that flair I once did. One of my favorite quotes is from Alice. I empathize with the main character in that, I too, have lost my muchiness.
Things that once were natural to me are now lost. My ability to write an intriguing post, my ability to ask questions as opposed to just telling people what to do, the ferocity with which I used to tackle projects and passions...poof, gone.
What happened to those? I want to ask the question, what happened to that girl, but then I'd be going down the rabbit hole of also acknowledging her not so flattering traits as well. I used to be much more passionate, however I was also much more naive. I was much nicer, but also more concerned with approval from others. I suppose with each loss, comes a gain.
I'm certainly much stronger than I used to be. Of course, not physically. Working on that. But mentally and emotionally, so much stronger. I realized that adversity has many more choices than just take it or leave. With maturity, you also learn that you have such a myriad of options that you never considered when you were younger. The choices I have explicitly made in my adulthood, I would never have considered as a youth. I would have blindly accepted social norms as being the law and acted accordingly. Ignoring other's emotions and depth. Only seeing things in black and white.
In my adulthood, I suffered but I didn't suffer as much as some others. And I suffered less than some others. However, I feel that no matter what the adversity, I tackled it as a learning experience. Grew, changed my opinions, and the way in which I tackle things.
By no means am I fully cooked. I realize I still have so much more to learn and overcome. As a child, you assume that in adulthood you have no more challenges. That you just know the right things to do and could care less what others think...that you have it all figured out.
Nothing could be further from the truth. However, I do place more emphasis on what I think of myself than what others think of me. I've learned to stand my ground. I've learned to ask questions. I'm still working on accepting being wrong and being okay with it. Or rather my reaction to being wrong. I'm rather piss-poor at being told I made a mistake or that my thought is way off base. I usually come around, but it still drives me nuts that I immediately go into a Kindergarten-like "nuh-uh" when being told something I don't like.
But I suppose life would be rather boring, wouldn't it, if one had nothing left to learn.
