Getting better all the time...

Life is full of ups and downs right now. One moment I'll be "meh" and the other I'll be happy. Very bipolar right now. 

I don't know if its the weather or life in general right now, but I really want to clean and organize and get the house looking normal and functional. Ricky will be working a lot, so I'll have a lot of time to do this. 

Shoot...I forgot to brush riddles teeth again. 

So I'll need to set up my to do list in an area I will notice. I think I'm getting a new phone next weekend. I wonder if the watch app has Wunderlist? Wouldn't that be nice!!

Such a long time...

Or at least it feels like it. I don't even remember doing an entry on Oct 23rd. I don't remember doing anything lately. 

I go between feeling pumped up and ready to kick the worlds ass (it's what Dad would have appreciated) to just being down and neutral. I'm so tired and I believe half of it is from just overall depression. The death of my father has hit me hard. Between losing a dad, and Ridley losing a grandfather, and just being faced with mortality, it all has me stressing. On top of that, I'm unsure of my new relationship with Anne and my fathers family. I know they are mine too, but it feels stilted as of late. I want to talk about Dad but I don't want to make the newly scabbed over wounds raw in any way. So we usually enjoy a light conversation of current events. 

On top of everything, work is now expecting a lot from me. I probably sold myself too well. lol. However I'm staying up late (and actually enjoying the work itself.) Just stressed about getting it done in time. We'll see how it goes. 

One of my larger stressors is getting enough money for the house. I'll have to talk to some credit person and also some house person. And see what we can do. 

So much I WANT to do and so little I actually CAN. 

So many goals and so much guilt. I really need to pull myself together.

Busy Life

I'm been meaning to get to the blog for ages, but life has been so busy I haven't been able to log anything.

Now I do so out of necessity. Several things have happened, let me start with the most maudlin. My father has passed away. While we knew he only had at most a few good years left, we never anticipated it happening so early. I can still hear him call my name, "Hey Ames." I can still see him playing with Ridley on the sofa. I'm not sure how to feel at times. My dad never wanted to be an invalid, relying on people to change his diaper, not be able to move and enjoy life. However, he was taken so quickly. An accident led to a trach which lead to his heart giving out. October 16th, Thursday morning was the day we all heard. Two days before my wedding. Damn it Dad.

It was decided that Dad would have wanted us to continue with the wedding. It was such a flurry of activity, it kept me distracted from the negative emotions. I was happy to marry Ricky, but the boy was crazy, everything was a blur. I'm still in need of some downtime from everything. Especially with my new husband.

Today is the day we hold services for my father. I'm so depressed, I'm just tired. I want to sleep. Can I sleep for just awhile? Just a little while?

Wow!

It's almost the end of the year, okay not that close, but I haven't blogged much at all. I guess you can tell when I'm happier. I stop reading, stop blogging, start living. 

Although, currently life has it's ups and downs. Me and the future Mr had a serious discussion last night (aka argument.) It was exhausting and depleting and now all day today all I want to do is nap. That's my body's way of coping with both physical and mental and emotional pain...let's ignore the world by passing out. 

Funny how each year I ponder, "what happened to me?" And why the hell haven't I changed it? I mean life isn't bad, but what the heck happened to me?

Perhaps my past life was due to the people I was involved with. Not myself. I was involved with a group of good, if not morally questionable, people. Now I'm a hermit. 

Maybe I need to involve myself in something? Get involved again. But the question is with what? I really don't want to go back to Toastmasters. That requires too much work. At least for me. I always get roped into doing stuff. Right now I just need something enjoyable. But heck if I know what that is. 

I'm on the cusp of getting a new job, so perhaps that will be my catalyst. I just need to be patient. Bleh. 

Life is a flurry right now

But a good flurry. I think. I'm so scattered, I don't know if I'm happy or not. lol

So, marriage in two months. Almost exactly. Two months and twelve days. Weird. I mean, who would have thought, four years ago that I would be getting married to Ricky and have a three year old son. Not me. I was going through a range of emotions and Ricky and I were just "trying out" a relationship. lol

Next thing we know...BAM! Positive pregnancy test. Talk about nervous and scared. Who knew what the future was going to bring. If you had told me I'd be happily engaged to Mr. P, I would have laughed in your face. Hopeful, but disbelieving.

Which is why it's so nice to look back on old journal entries. My life before Ricky and after seem so far apart. Not even connected. I used to be a driven but mousy girl. I didn't believe in myself and dedicated myself to my husband. But once he told me he'd lied to me about all the progress, about everything, I snapped. I literally snapped.

I'd had enough of taking care of other people and not getting anything back. I had cleaned, and supported, and done everything I could to make him happy. And the entire time, I was miserable. Crying alone in the bathroom. Medicating myself with tv and books.

My relationship now is totally different. We communicate. We appreciate eachother. I can honestly now say I know what it's like to want to be a better person for someone else. It amazes me how much he loves me. Not only accepts me, but adores me for who I am. Accepts my faults. Wants to communicate. But also is genuinely hurt when I yell or when he thinks I think less of him.

I really hope we can make this work for life. I'm optimistic.

So annoyed with the world

You know your OCD is getting bad when you start stepping into rooms and imaging what they'd be like if you lived by yourself. I look around the room. Imagine all the time I'd have on my hands and also how I would leave little messes all over the place. I imagine the office desk perfectly set up. All clean and neat. Then the bookcases and all the misc crap laying around them. The empty bottles of water wouldn't be there. The stains on the carpet.

But then I take a big sigh and realize all I traded in for my ability to be clean and organized. A wonderful fiancee who loves me immensely and snuggles me each morning. A kid that screams "Mom!" and runs into my arms every time I see him. A dog that's loyal enough to sleep by my side every night. All of this is worth every misc bit of crap laying around and every dirty patch on the carpet.

Getting there slowly?

Oh goodness. I am not what I was. 

I had a few communications with my friends this week regarding wedding shopping and other various things. It's not as close as I would hope. I just haven't been that great of a friend since Ridley. I've been huddled in my world. Focused only on my child and me and our survival. Admittedly any special attention is reserved for Ricky. I've been civil with my friends, but not close. Trying to repair that damage will take a while and getting myself back into habits of unselfishness will take work. 

Perhaps it's just me, but having a baby makes you selfish. You center your world around this one little being's survival. It takes all your energy to take care of them and what tiny bit of energy is left is reserved for things like showers or cleaning. I haven't had time much for else. At first I thought it was just a temporary situation, but without a car, it took all my time away from everyone. Now I need to learn to be social again. 

It's funny. Over the past years, I've withdrawn into this shell. The thought of a meeting or phone call makes me cringe. I know I can train myself to be social and caring again. I just need to suck it up and jump in. 

On a lighter note, I've tried MindBloom and it actually seems to be helping. At least these first few days. Let's hope I can continue to utilize it effectively. 

Muchness

I love the line in Alice in Wonderland where Alice is told she's lost her muchness. That's how I feel. I constantly question myself, who I am, what I do. I feel like I lost my muchness.

I'm constantly battling this vision of myself...being overweight, being bitchy, being lazy.

So I'm trying to overcome that. Those doubts in my head. I need to build my confidence again. My fun. My muchness.

I feel the year ahead will have a lot of change and I'm looking forward to that.

Thoughts

A thought passes my mind every once in awhile. Getting older, at least for me, hasn't made me more confident. I was expecting this slow creep of positive self-esteem. Being comfortable in my body and my mind. A knowledge and understanding of the world that only comes with age and experience. However, the older I get the more aware I am of the mistakes I've made in the past. Although, without these mistakes I would not have learned, I'm still ashamed by them and they're a reminder that my quest for perfectionism can never be achieved. I'll always have those black marks in the past.

When I was younger, I had that confidence. New to the world, I pursued everything with excitement and doggedness. I was smart and ahead of the game. I thrilled in being a successful career woman in her 20s. But as I got older, I didn't really progress in my career. I still know the old technologies. I don't do too badly with them but I haven't pursued the new technologies like I should have. I've settled into what I know.

The last 10, 15, 20 years came with enormous amounts of stress. From an unstable home of divorced parents, to a relationship with a drug-addicted boyfriend, to a crazed lifestyle with a mentally unstable husband, to a passionate affair with a narcissist, a dying mother, an unexpected pregnancy, and finally a settled and normal happy relationship with the father of my child and love of my life.

However, even though all those experiences left their own mark. I still wouldn't change them. They kind of compounded upon each other. Well, except my mother's death. That stood alone. It was inevitable, but completely unexpected. I don't know why, but I never connected leukemia with cancer. I never connected either with death. My mom had survived so much more in the past.

My mom was 10 times the woman and mother I am. Throughout all her battles with auto-immune diseases, she always managed to give back. She volunteered almost up to her dying day. She gave of herself to anyone who asked or needed it. If someone wants an example of how unfair life is, they only need to look at my mother.

I think of her and what she did with her life. I'm happily getting married and have a wonderful relationship with a man who loves me passionately. I have a career that pays me well and allows me the flexibility to take care of my family and enjoy my life. I have friends that support me and are there for whenever I need them. So why do I still feel lacking? What did I learn in my life to believe that I still need to do more?

Keep a clean house. Make more money. Have a bigger house...car...nicer clothes. Closer friendships, that one makes sense, doesn't it? Skinnier. Smarter. More attractive. Funnier.

Where do I start? How do I build back that confident girl of the past?

Change in schedule

So now Ricky has a new job, we have to reevaluate our schedules. He'll be working from 7am to 5pm, so it'll be back on me to plan out and cook meals again. Plus it'd really be great to have a working vehicle again. I can't take riddles anywhere without a car. 

So need to figure this out. So much to do...

Back on Track

This seems to be the theme of my life. I feel like everything is a mess right now and that primarily has to do with me being tired (which is partially a vitamin D definciency and partly a "I need to get off my butt and exercise" issue.) I'm really not doing THAT badly, however I need to set some goals for myself and keep them in the forefront. I need an inspirational board and something to keep me motivated. Primarily, I'd like to lose weight, keep the house clean, work on my relationship, and stay atop of my extracurricular activities. I need to focus on volunteering too, but now it looks like that is not going to hapen until Feb. We'll see. Time to start planning.

Oh goodness! Life is so much better since mving jobs, but I seem to have thrown myself into everything again! I love my new job. I feel better about myself and what I can accomplish. I can do so much for this company and I'm excited for it. I'm also helping out with Toastmasters and Ricky's band, Mister Lucky. Hopefully I won't do too much and get myself all stressed out again. I need to figure out my schedule and give myself some down time. Hmmm,nails might be it. I'll need to figure out that one again.

Sleep anyone?

Oh goodness. I try to get things done but then my son decides that he wants to try to fall asleep with mommy for two hours. Thank goodness Ricky took over bathing duties last night. It gave me a chance to do laundry and also finally throw away those shoes laying in the carport that Will never took care of (bitter? a little)
Anyway, I did get some things done, bingo for me. However Ricky looked up what is going on with Riddles and apparently this is a phase. Argh. So it may some while til I am productive again. I'll keep trying to stick to my method of tasks however and try to spend more time with my men.

Simplify

It's time to simplify my life and the life of my family.




Hmmm, I wonder how I go about doing that? I suppose I start with the house. Get rid of everything we don't need. Organize everything we do. For the record, yes, I did do this before. And for the record, yes, it did work.
Life has been even more simplified since Will moved out. While I miss the little bastard, I'm glad to have control over my house again. I don't have someone critisizing every move or change I make in the house. I don't have flip flops and shoes and trash lying about the house. I hope he feels better too. Like he controls his own domain as well.
So goal #1...simplify.
So ways I can do this:

- Create snacks rather than lunches for my family. (Eating is to sustain life, not gorge.)

- Get rid of all furniture and stuff we don't need anymore (this includes my comic books, Riddles old toys, tvs, junk)

- Consider processes that take up time and making easier (cleaning the bathroom - keep cleaning stuff in the bathroom to clean during bathtime once a week.)

Tired

Slightly tired. Of course, it will hit me like a pound of bricks later tonight. I have to go to Toastmasters and wondering why. Perhaps it's time to focus on leadership instead of speeches? Somewhere along the line my excitement over giving speeches died out.
Honestly though, my passion for most stuff died out. Just super tired all the time. I need to start taking time for myself. With Ridley not sleeping though, it takes it out of you.

Work is going well except we found a couple of database that rely on the one I converted. Oh joy. So most likely more conversions. My work is all scattered in it's complexity. Of course, part of this is due to my lack of knowldge in Crystal Reporting so I just need to keep on keeping on. Must adhere to my goal of going beyong the customers needs however. I can do this!!!

Living the Good Life

Goodness life has taken a turn for the better...


Work: I was given my 90 day review and they love me. I'm doing work that I love and learning new things. It's amazing. What's more, my company seems to like to focus on the idea that give people work that they love to do and they'll be happy. Go figure! So now I feel a bit better about my role at work and feeling more secure about my sanity and my actual knowledge, I want to exceed my customers expectations! Blow them away! Work on being that big fish in a little pond again!

Home: Things between Ricky and I have been much better since about a week ago. Okay, so it wasn't really THAT bad to begin with but in all honesty, not having Will there has given us the freedom to be us more often. Didn't realize how much it was affecting us and our family. It wasn't bad by any means, but this is much better. Ricky and I have been working on the Death Star he got for his birthday and spending more quality time together. It's been so much more relaxing and better. So my goal here is just to continue investing that time into our relationship and spend better time together.
Ridley: My little man has been learning by leaps and bounds. I can pretty much hold an entire conversation with him between nods, gibberish and actual words. He's getting the hang of "ask and you shall receve". well, most of the time. He asks for a bottle right now and throws a fit when he doesn't get it. Focus on the little man will be on vocabulary and trying to get him to talk/communicate more.

YOLO

I have been feeling a little better about life in general lately. I'm starting to get my life back on track and identify the things I really want out of life.


Of course, Riddles progression with his vocabulary also helps immensely. I always start worrying about my parenting skills and then he goes through a dev leap. (Way to go Riddles!)
My intention is still to volunteer at Crisis Nursery however my email seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I missed the last orientation because it was at 1 in the afternoon and $65 for a background check. I emailed to ask them when the next one was, but received no answer. Maybe I'll go look at the website now.
I spoke too soon. I've regstered for a July course. That makes me feel better. Something someone said the other day about making time for what you think is important...I need to do that.
Right now, obviously, Ricky and Riddles are important, but also family and friends and exercising and volunteering. Am I taking on a lot? Damn skippy! But you only live once!

Birthdays

Argh, so sleep and tired. Are they the same thing? Ugh...no! I so could have taken Ricky's bday off, but unfortunately (a) HE does not have the day off because he is recording on Monday and (b) I am not allowed to take ETO until the 18th (merely one and a half weeks away). Argh!!!!!


Anywhoo...time will pass by soon enough. Lord know I do not have any patience and I need to work on it. Goals have been set aside for the meantime...however I do know this...since Will has moved out my stress levels have been pretty much cut in half (even with Ricky bemoaning the fact that he is turning 30....or as he likes to call it...OLD.) And the house looks immensely better. You can't even imagine the immensely larger area we have in the house. It's less cluttered, which means less areas for scorpions to hide. When I come home, there isn't piles of dishes and trash all over the place. Truly so much better. I still have some uncluttering to do, but this has free'd up my time and made me less stressed.

So onward...this weekend will be insanely busy. But a good busy, I'm trying to embrace my busi-ness. Lord knows, there will be no end to it until the kid is 18. So, small celebration Thursday, cake making and present making on Friday, the whole shebang on Saturday, collapse in a heap on Sunday...oh wait...I mean pick up the kid from grandpa's. Whew!
Should be fun. Hopefully. He better like it...he BETTER.

Back to a normal journal again. Well part venting and part goal setting. I'm all a flumux trying to figure out what to do with my life...and Ricky isn't helping with his constant depression over turning 30. 30?!? Wait until he turns 40 or 50 or any other age older. He'll look back and wish for the good old days. I'm 37 however I refuse to acknowledge it. I try not to think of it when I can. However, my body likes to remind me. I'm much slower to get up anymore and so tired all the time. I'm not as spry as I used to be. Of course, if I would get out an exercise more often, that probably would go away.


Now as for the rest of my life...I'm still highly paranoid and overly judgemental about everything. I don't know why but negative thoughts flow through my head so easily. That and I also just feel guilty for having so much in life. There are mothers and fathers waging and living through wars, poverty, famine and we have everything we could ever want.

I guess when I think about it, I just really need to get off my ass and volunteer. I have my job (knock on wood), I have my family, my friends, my wonderful house, but not volunteering have left a gaping hole that I've been taping a piece of paper over and saying, "I'll get to it."

I can go to a training session tomorrow. I'll make it my goal to look at that and attend tomorrow.

improvement

So time to refocus. I have been thinking rather morosely lately and considering my death. What if it happened in a year? A week? Twenty years? Forty years? What would I want? How would I feel good about who I am and ensure I haven't squandered my time on earth.


Although I love my son and my boyfriend, focusing my entire happiness on them is neither healthy or reasonable. I'm a firm believer in helping others and I think this would be a good point upon which to base my successfulness in life.

Who gives a damn if the house if immaculate and fashionable. Is it clean to the point that no one will get hurt or sick? Then we're good. I could spend that time better by visiting friends and family.

However, just visiting with friends and family and others is not good enough. I need to take it further. I believe by focusing on helping others by making their lives easier, healthier, happier, I can in turn make mine as well.

I'm not talking about pushy, judgemental, "you should do this" improvement. I'm talking make healthy meals that are delicious so Ricky can enjoy food and be healthy improvement. I'm talking spending quality time with my boy learning new exciting things to help him develop improvement. I'm talking create a database at work that helps everyone track and document everything a lot easier improvement. I'm talking going to a care center and help clean up the place so the residents feel comfortable improvement.

So I believe in everything I do, I need to ask: "Am I doing my best to assist and support the person I'm with right now?"

If the words, "Thank you so much, this makes my life so much easier/better." Then I'm not doing my job.