Enjoying Life

I still haven't discovered myself completely, but I'm slowly learning. I think it was a mistake to think the first emotional hurdle was to find myself. There's a time of healing that is required before moving on.

This first few weeks were devastating. To leave someone you love, but just can't live with anymore takes an incredible toll emotionally. This is definately one of those experiences that you can't possibly fathom unless you experience it yourself. I went through so many emotions. Some nights would cry myself to sleep, and others I would just keep myself busy until I collasped in the bed.

However, with the help of friends, I was able to heal. I can't tell you how many times I would be in such a deep funk. I was invested in staying in that funk and depression, and then my roommates would pull me out of it. I don't know if they had super-friend-sensory powers or what, but they always said the right thing to make me laugh or realize that I wasn't going through this alone.

It was really difficult at first to live with a couple. They were respectful of not being too affectionate with eachother in front of me, but each time they leaned in towards eachother, hugged, kissed, I just kept wondering if I would ever have that again.

As time has progressed though, these PDAs don't bother me so much. I used to sit on the porch, intentionally alone, and imagine what it would be like to be in someone's embrace. However, the last few days when this thought occurred to me, I was able to think to myself, "Huh. No emotional response whatsoever. I'm good."

I used to think my one and only goal to this seperation was just to find myself. But I'm finding so many other important things to accomplish now. I think my first big hurdle was just surviving it. Finding the strength not to cave in and go back. The second was to heal emotionally and realize that I can be just me. Not one of two. Not the other half. Just me.

I'm not sure when my journey towards self-realization will start. Quite frankly, I'm not worried about that right now. It's only been two months and I think I've made tremendous progress. My mind is starting to clear. I can work again. I'm not thinking of it every second of the day.

And that's good enough for me. For now.