Emotional Entry

Most times, right before I start typing, I sit and deliberate in front of my keyboard if I really want to post what I'm feeling at the moment. I feel it's important to get my emotions out and share what I'm going through...a bit of an exorcism. However, I also know by the end of the entry I'll be crying my eyes out. It's almost like searing a wound to close it up. It'll feel like a bitch while it's being done, but you feel a whole lot better after the fact.

A lot has been going on in my life right now. My closest work and home bud is getting ready to leave me (at work.) As an adult this should be a bit disheartening, but as a emotionally-fucked up person, I'm really dreading the breaks and lunches without one of my closest confidantes.

Also, this friend recently received some news about his health the other day. It's not fatal, but certainly life-altering. It was a bit of a shock, but it can be managed.

My other closest friend is going through some stressful times herself. In the process of looking for another job, and dealing with her boyfriend's issues, I'm certain it gets to her. She's been incredibly busy, yet she still finds the time to pull me out of my funk.

Which brings me to the most stressful situation in my life at the moment. I spoke to a lawyer, he said we could proceed with our plans as long as we're both in agreement about it. I just have to draft up the papers and submit them. Then that will be it. I don't know if I'll be able to keep the tears from coming as I walk into the courthouse and submit the paperwork to end a 14 year relationship officially. To add salt to the wound, you have to pay $300 for it as well. I'm fearful that the clerk will look up at me and say, "Are you sure honey, cause you look awfully distraught."

Of course, I'll be sure. Of anything in my life, I deliberated over this choice the most. I'm certainly miserable at the moment, but still not as miserable as I was. At least at this point in my life, I know there's hope for something better. Change. Even if I don't feel very hopeful at the moment.

Aside from all of this though, and I'm being quite openly honest about something that irks me more than anything, sometimes the most heart-wrenching thing of going through all of this, is going through all of this alone. I know I have my friends. I have my family. And they (you) have all been awesome.

Yet...I was married for 10 years. In a serious relationship for 14. Granted it was no cake walk, but I miss the good parts. When you're with someone, no one cares about you more than that someone. You're not an afterthought. They get little wrinkles in they're forehead from worry over how you're doing. You have secret jokes. Share secret glances. When you're not feeling good, they do everything in their power to help you. They tell you how wonderful you look today. They tell you they missed you. They touch you, embrace you, hug you, snuggle with you. Human touch should never be taken for granted. I miss that the most. Nothing compares to it. Not a pet. Not a teddy bear. Not a big fluffy pillow.

More than anything, I miss that. I didn't have much of it when I was married, but God I miss that.

And some days, I sit out on the patio and I tell myself that I don't need that. That I'm a big girl now. That I need to learn to live without that before I can have that again.

I'm such a liar.