Rude People and Guilt

So I call up my dentist the other day to cancel hubby and I's appointment. Hubby just started a new job and we still haven't received his last paycheck from the old company, so therefore no time or money for dental appointment (because my dental insurance is crap and it cost, just for me, $160 for a basic cleaning!)

Well I wanted to make sure I called a few days in advance because last time, I waited until they called me the day before to cancel. Last time, she said, "Please give us advance warning next time so we can fill the slot."

So being the good doobie that I am, I cancelled our Wednesday appointment on Monday. (Three days is more than enough time for this supremo el dentisto to fill those spots.) So I tentatively call.

Dentist Receptionist: "(So and so's) office. How may I help you?"

Me: "Hey, (so and so's receptionist)! I hate to do this, but hubby just got a new job and I have to cancel both our appointments."

DR: "Both? (Bigh sigh) Okay, fine. Do you want to rechedule?"

Now I've been on good terms with this person for at least two years. No, "wow congrats to hubby!" or even a "thanks for giving us the notice I asked for last time." F***'in Beyotch!!

So I really have been stewing over this for the past few days. I even know diet buddies who avoid the doctor because everytime they go in the doctor makes a big deal out of how much weight they need to lose. (And quite frankly 9 times out of 10 that doctors got a little to lose, know what I mean?)

I hate feeling this way. That's why I procrastinate. I can just imagine how the person is going to react and I know they're going to think badly of me. I would rather be cut and get stitches than have to go through all that.

Why?

I think it all stems from my father, and I don't take the "It's all my parents fault" thing lightly. Most people just make excuses. I realize I have an issue, it is my fault for feeding into it, I'm working on correcting it, but hell be damned, it IS my father's lack of attention that made me this way.

My father is one who never says he's proud of you, but is quick to criticize if you don't meet expectations. I remember some of my father's old gems:

"Women don't lose weight because they don't have the willpower!"

"Onyx, you're a woman. Use that in business. I mean, you don't have to go overboard but use you're feminine wiles to your advantage."

"You just need to raise enough money to take care of rent and expenses for a few months, and I'll give you a new store." (After I spent thousands of dollars on my college education without any of his help. I'll be damned if I'm going to make HIM money at MY expense.)

"Remember that time you peed on my truck seat?" (Every FUCKIN time I see him!! I was like two!!)

"You never call. It's YOUR responsibility to call, not the parent's." -- used in conjunction with -- "I called lots of times." (Funny because you're number NEVER came up on caller id.)

Oh there's plenty more where that came from. The thing is, no matter how hard I tried, dad could never say those two words I needed most from him..."I'm proud."

All my life I've strove to hear those two little words from him. I mean he does say "I love you." but it's always done in that tone like when you say, "No, of course, you're butt doesn't look fat in those JLo jeans. Pushaw!"

I was thinking of actually writing my father. Hopefully the wicked stepmother doesn't open the letter. Someday soon I think. Maybe we can make amends, but for now I'm just tired of the game.