Went Crazy This Morning

I went insane on my husband this morning. I think part of it was what he did, but I openly admit that I made it worse than it really was.

Here's what happened:

Obvisouly most of you know that life has been a little stressful lately. But on top of that, well I thought perhaps I was pregnant. Hoping, really. I had all the symptoms, tired and my boobs were sensitive. But I kept on telling myself, "You've been through this before. It doesn't mean anything." Yet, I still found myself feeling myself up about every hour to ensure the symptoms were still there.

The real test was supposed to come on Monday. So I kept telling myself to hold out and wait. But apparently there was a part of me that really wanted this to be true. I could feel it. A part of me really believed this may be it.

This morning I woke up and it was all over.

Feeling a bit under the weather both emotionally and physically, I went to go lay on the couch. Hubby got up soon thereafter and came into the living room. This is how it progressed:

Hubby: "Good morning. Could you go get coffee for us?" (Our french press is brokwn, so we've been going out all week for coffee.)

Me: "I'm not feeling well. So could you go get the coffee?"

Hubby: (gives me a look) "Well, you want to come with me? We'll go together?"

Me: (giving a look right back) "I just told you I wasn't feeling well, so...no."

Hubby: "Fine." (walks around a little, and I start feeling a bit guilty, so I offer up...)

Me: "Okay I'll go with you."

Hubby: "Quiktrip?"

Me: (giving another look) "I just told you I'm not feeling well. I'm not getting out of the car."

Hubby: "Well then why'd you offer to go? If you're not feeling well then stay at home."

Me: "Fine, I'm staying home."

So hubby leaves. Now, understand. Every morning for the past week, he gets us at least two coffees. He didn't ask me what I wanted, so I assumed he was getting the usual (I know, you assume...) , but I didn't think it was that far of a stretch.

He returns. One coffee and one bag.

Me: "You didn't get me any coffee?"

Hubby: "Ohhhhh, you wanted some? You should have told me. Here, I got this croissant sandwich for you."

Me thinking: Yeah, right. Me saying: "No, I wanted a coffee."

Him: "Well then you should have asked. I didn't know you wanted a coffee..."

And it went drastically downhill from there. Apparently even the roommate said he's never seen me that angry. I was pisssed. (Yes, so pissed it warrants three s's, maybe more.)

Part of it was just aggrvation in that whenever I'm not feeling well, it feels like I'm the only offering up to take care of me. He's selfish. Yes, that was part of the argument. I ended crying my eyes out in the drive-through at Starbucks, and came to the realization that although I may have been pissed at hubby, for good reason, the whole reason why it turned out so bad, is because yet again...I'm not pregnant.

Who knows if I ever will be? Do you know how hard it is to live life having your heart broken and your hopes shattered every twenty-four days? All my life, I've just wanted a child. I envisioned the day people would come up to me and say, "She has your eyes." or "He has your smile."

What if that can never come to fruition? We spoken about adopting, but there's always the fear, "What if I don't love that child the way I would've loved a biological child?" It's just honest. That fear.

And what about all the crap we'll have to go through in the meantime? The hormones, the tests, all that crap!!

Anyway, I am feeling a bit better know. Just bummed. There's just so much going on in life, I feel like Atlas. Only I'm getting crushed under all the weight.