Romance Movie

First it was Beauty and the Beast. Then Gone with the Wind. Then I was reading romance novels (still am). Now it's The Last Kiss.

Blue and I dragged my husband to go see this movie. It was 3 and half stars, I figured worth seeing. I had seen the previews to this movie and thought the main characters feeling about no more surprises left in life rang true to my own. I've looked forward to puberty, my first kiss, my drivers license, losing my virginity, graduating high school, graduating college, graduating college again, getting married,buying a house...what now? What's left to do but work, have kids and die?

But this movie had another issue. In it the father of the girlfriend tells the main character that if he really loves his daughter, he will do anything. Without spoiling the ending, it was very romantic, but in a realistic kind of way. After getting out of the movie, I was remarking how the movie was very realistic in the way they argued and thoughts about life. Hubby pipes in with how he has done the same romantic gestures...with previous girlfriends. PAST girlfriends...not current wives, past girlfriends.

So I mentioned to him that he had never done anything so romantic with me. And two things happened:

- He said, "Yep, because you're easy." Of course he said this jokingly, but I thought, "You're right. I am." I have been through a LOT of shit with him. Had I divorced him, gave up, I don't think ANYONE would have held it against me, except him. And sometimes I don't think he would have either.

- And second, I started thinking once again about past comments on love made by him. I began questioning whether he truly, really was emphatically in love with me. I don't doubt that he loves me know. But it's a safe and comforting love. And he has told me before how when he married me, he did love me, but he wasn't in love with me. That he's grown to love me. Like we were an arranged marriage or something.

For someone who's grown up believing in true love. That heart-wrenching, gut-punching, butterflies in the stomach, can't breathe whenever their in the same room love; to hear someone pretty much settled for you...is devastating.

Oddly enough, when we met I was incredibly in love with hubby. And now I think, "Shouldn't that be enough? Knowing that he loves me know. Knowing that I loved him like that at least once? That I believed we were in love like that?"

But for right now, somehow it isn't. Knowing that no one ever loved me like that. That no one ever felt like they would just die if they didn't hold me in their arms soon.

And perhaps part of it is that when you've had it before, you can perhaps still have that small glimmer of hope that you'll have it once again. Safe in the knowledge you had it at least once when most people have never experienced it in the first place. But when you've never had it...what do you hope for? You can't hope for it AGAIN. It seems futile to hope for something like that in the future. You have those feelings only at the beginning of the relationship.

So where does that leave me? And that's where I'm at right now.