Ugh! I hate feeling emotional. The worse thing is when it just suddenly hits me out of nowhere. I start to feel insecure and rather like a five year old in need of dire attention.
It reminds me of a story my mother told me of when I was younger. Essentially, when I was extremely young, my mother left my father (for good reasons). She packed me up and moved in with her mother (my grandmother). So for years, I lived without a father figure. (Dad was pretty much non-existent, only picking me up for a rare weekend.)
One day, she and my grandmother took me to the park. I was playing around when I spotted a male police officer. Once I spotted him, I ran up and reach up for a hug. Once he picked me up I wouldn't let go, just snuggling into him reveling in all the attention. He turned to my mom and grandmother and said, "You have a really sweet kid here, but may I ask, is the father around?" My mom and grandmother explained the situation and he replied, "Yes, I can tell. Like I said, she's a wonderful girl, but she's seeking the attention of men because her father isn't there. Be careful with her."
Pretty much explains it all, huh?
Yes, I would leave the story there, but I still need to explain what's happened since then. I have always been an attention whore, and shamefully but admittedly, mostly from men. Now, I'm good about not sleeping around. I've only had sex with one person in my life, and that was my husband. But...during our 13 years together, he was never really a snuggler. Even in a relationship I pined to be held, to be hugged, to be cherished. I can remember my lonely teenage years, lying in my bed, wanting someone just to hold. Someone to rub my head and tell me that they would rather be with me than anywhere else in the world at that moment.
So where am I now? I'm getting better. I'm not nearly as emotional as I used to be. However, every once in awhile, out of the blue, and sometimes at the most inane moments...I just want to be held. To be hugged. To be loved and cherished.
If there was some service that sent a guy over to your house just to spoon you at night, they'd be making grand bucks off of me.
5 comments:
It is not the same, but here is an internet hug from Seattle ((( )))
oh chick!!!!!!!!!! we all want to be held... I know what you are feeling... I felt that way for years. Okay... so we are going to pray for a sweet guy that loves to hug and cuddle.... got it.... *wink*...anything else???????
I think it’s in our nature to want to feel cuddled and protected. I never understand why most men think hugs and snuggling is such a chore.
I think that’s probably why I love to go treat myself to a massage every once and awhile. I know it's not the same, but it’s about the best solution I’ve been able to come up with thus far.
The thing about people is, even in our isolation, we have interests, and we are interesting. Its normal to feel disconnected, and wish desperately for a touch, a warm lasting physical gesture to reconnect us to our fellow human beings.
I feel as you feel; so you are not alone.
Now, dear: Forgive me, but I am a (ahem-last time I checked) man.
And therefore there is ONE line that jumped out at ME, when I read this post.
quote: Now, I'm good about not sleeping around....
ALARM BELLS ABOUT TO GO off, MUTE YOUR SPEAKERS...
I've only had sex with one person in my life, and that was my husband
BRRRUNG BRRUNG BRRUNG
OK, so much for good morals.
Now, how about you do what you need .
a) you need to find a place that will let you find a male to date
b) you need to see if you like him a lot
c) if b is true, eventually (NOT on the first date....) sleep with him...
please forgive my glib visualizations in this matter, maybe you need to surf over here Stef -answers lots of questions!
I think if you read through her back posts you'll see lots that might help.
Also a letter to her about current situation might help.
I'd say, you will NOT be happy if you just sit in a friend's apartment for the next sixteen years.
You will (eventually) need to move out, find a one bedroom apt, and get used to living alone, and especially liking yourself.
It will help
Love
Markb in nj
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