I was laying in bed the other night, tons of thoughts drifting in and out, and somehow I started to think about death. I was thinking how much easier it is now that she has passed. I wondered why that was and immediately came to the conclusion that it was the dying part that was so difficult. Death, in itself, was the easiest part to get through.
She didn't suffer for long. She was in the hospital for about two months. After the surgery, it was only a couple of days until she passed. It was sitting there, watching her, seeing her fragile and hooked up to tubes and monitors, that was so difficult.
As a christian, I never understood grieving over the death of a loved one. Certainly not wanting them to suffer would be acceptable...but as a christian, isn't death supposed to be a joyous occasion? This is the time we've all been waiting for. Being reunited with loved ones, no suffering, answers to all the big questions.
Her funeral is this Saturday. It'll be an awkward occasion to say the least. All of my in-laws will be there. I feel mixed emotions about it. The funeral is really more for the living than the dead. She's already passed. What lays in the coffin is nothing but a shell.
The selfish part of me doesn't want to go. But the logical part of me knows I have to. I have to show my respect. Give my condolensces. Talk to people I haven't talked to since I left my husband. If anything, it's just a show. Any words, any feelings I have towards my grandmother-in-law could be said or done from anywhere.
This may sound callous. But I'm not an emotional person. Well, except for fear. I do fear going to the funeral. I fear the uncomfortableness of it all. The inability to find the right words to say to people. Knowing that when I go up to the coffin, I'll want to talk to her but most likely won't because I don't want anyone else to be involved in the conversation I have with her.
So what I would probably say on Saturday, but won't, I'll say now:
"Although you were a grandmother-in-law, you will always be my grandmother. I wish we could have spent more time with you. Wish we could have given you the time and care that none of us seemed able to give. Thank you for treating me as part of the family. Thank you for never looking at me as an outsider."
2 comments:
A:
you said:
The funeral is really more for the living than the dead. ...snip...
>>> True, interesting in that both Judiasm and Islam they bury the body with 24 hours if possible.
And as with Christian "Wakes" yes, you're right it IS a party for the living.
We Jews have a weird tradition. When the immediate family comes home from the cemetery, all mirrors in the home are covered up, and mourners (immediate family) sit on hard seats (usually made of cardboard so they dont break).
we sit three different kinds of mourning periods.
the seven days after death, is called shiva (for sheva or seven)
during this time the community is invited to come to the mourner's house and chat about the deceased with the survivors.
It's ok to say, I'm sorry. but you can even share a favorite moment, as those help heal too.
and we (all) bring lots of food, so the mourners dont have to cook.
And every day, members of the community will come to say prayers at your house as a community (minyan/quorurm) of at least 10, to help you remember the loved one.
ONCE THE initial shock (shiva/seven days) is over, you sit schloshim (thirty) or a month of subdued mourning.
during shiva, you cannot go to work/school/shopping/hair cut/etc.
during the thirty days, you shouldn t get married, go on vacation, or do anything too joyful. Afterall, you are still missing this person.
After the 30 days, it is REQUIRED for you toget back with your life, and as such, the ONLY requirement is that every time you pray, with a quorurm (minyan) you say a special prayer called the mourner's kaddish
(or the mourner's prayer)
Amazingly, the mourner's kaddish doesn't even mention death once.
see here for english translation
At any rate, you continue to mourn your loved one for a full year, and it's essentially up to you how often. Whenver there are 10 jews (women SOMETIMES count, but not in orthodox-there have to be 10 men)
You can say the mourners kaddish.
Hope this helped. think of a few good stories and memories of your "step-grandma", and make sure to share them with the entire family saturday.
We know you can do it.
Cheers
The selfish part of me doesn't want to go. But the logical part of me knows I have to. I have to show my respect. Give my condolensces. Talk to people I haven't talked to since I left my husband. If anything, it's just a show. Any words, any feelings I have towards my grandmother-in-law could be said or done from anywhere.
So sorry to hear about your grandmother-in-law, I’m glad you were able to say good bye and that you have a good support group. Hope that you made it through Saturday ok. Take care~
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