I had almost considered writing this in my personal blog. Some things, as a friend recently said in a blog entry of hers, you're just not ready to share with the world. Being aware that certain people read your blog sometimes entices you to restrict what you're saying, but that would go against the very principle of what I believe...that in sharing our deepest and scariest fears we deny others the ability to share and know they're not alone in what they feel.
I'm at a point in my life where honestly I have everything. A good job, a nice car, a new house, (an old house), good friends, two loving cats, and even an internet connection and an iPhone. Yet, damn you Disney, I still feel like something's missing.
Why Disney?
Well, because when I was a little girl...heck even two days ago...I watched movies about true love and happily ever after. I thought I had it once only to find out that my Prince Charming was a frog. He was a good person, but ours was not a happy existence.
Now...I find myself yearning again for that feeling of being a couple. Falling asleep in someone's arms, feeling safe and being watched after, sharing intimate moments and even bad ones.
Ever feel like maybe you hit a quota? A limit? Like there's no chance it's going to happen again because...well, just because?
My mother and grandmother both ended up single. I wonder what they feel? Felt, in my mom's case. Does my grandmother after all these years still yearn for that feeling of couple-dom anymore? Or is she stronger than me?
Our brain is a wonderful invention, yet causes us so much harm. There's no reason why I should imagine what it's like. Why do I ponder late at night what it would be like to have someone to hold me in my bed? A nice chest to rest my head on, a loving hand caressing my hair and soothing away my worries.
I'm a successful adult woman. So why do I still have the dreams from my childhood playing through my mind?
2 comments:
Onyx - know how you feel. I am so worried that I will never find what I have again that things just go on and on without asking for a change. It will happen again and it does. Just let it happen verses willing it to happen. You need to get out there solo. Discover who you are, what you want and it will come to you. Stop looking and it may smack you in the face when you least expect it.
I remember that feeling after my divorce that I will never meet someone again. Of course you will, I know it. Happily ever after is in the cards for you.
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