What would people say at my funeral?

It's a very morose topic, however very appropriate for Covey's 7 Habits.

So you should choose several people...I chose: R-SO, J-Boss, S-Friend.

R-SO
"A was the most important person in my life. She was there for me in good and bad. I could always rely on her to cheer me up when things were rough and take care of whatever was worrying us. She treated me and everyone she knew with respect and passion. No matter what I did, she was always there to support me and Newt. She was a fantastic mother and made sure Newt felt nothing but love, acceptance, and encouragement from both of us. A and I were a team who took on everything together including raising Newt, managing Prague, and just having fun together. I'll miss her immensely. I love you A"

J-Boss
"A was an exemplary employee. She was excited to dig in and make sure that our customers not only got what they wanted, but what they needed. She was great at identifying opportunities for improvement and improving them. Because of her, we have a cohesive team that knows the data inside and out and develops new methods for pulling and reporting data every day. We've constantly used A's analysis for presentations and media spots. We'll miss her excitement and creativeness."

S-Friend
"The thing I loved most about A was her ability to always be there for everyone and respect everyone's uniqueness. A was always ready to jump in and have fun. If you needed anything anytime, she was always there. She could always give you great advice about anything in life and be there to support you no matter what decisions you made. If you needed to go out and have fun, A was your girl. But if you needed someone to stay in and just talk, she was there for you too. I'll miss you sweetie."

Proactivity

Some quotes from my 7 Habits book:

• Be a light, not a judge
• Be a model, not a critic
• Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
• Don't argue for other people's weaknesses. Don't argue for your own.
• When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it-immediately.
• Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation.
• If you start to think the problem is "out there", stop yourself.
  

So I'm really going to start working on my PMA. Stop judging and getting frustrated and work on better ways to respond to events and people. Really start thinking about what it is that I'm getting frustrated about and see if there is an alternative.

First day of South Beach

Weight: 201.4
Mood: Slightly aggravated, but optimistic


Why? Well I had hoped (although not expected) that I would be at least slightly under 201.0 (my weight from yesterday). However, I feel a few things MAY have influenced this small jump: I fasted Tuesday, therefore probably making my body hold onto any food I had the next day, I did not exercise, I had a lot of salt in my meals, and I did not drink as much water as I should have. 


I'm hoping it is one of these things. Plus I realized that at least for the morning I did not stick to the lowfat meats and cheeses. So I'm going to try to stick  with that today. 


TODAYS MENU
Breakfast:Yogurt, cream cheese and celery, coffee w/ creamer
Lunch: Caesar salad w/ chicken, edemame, carrots (?)
Dinner: Turkey burger, edemame, Caesar salad dressing


MFP says I need to eat more calories. If I don't lose from today, I probably will bump them up even though I didn't feel hungry yesterday and I don't plan on starving myself today. We'll see...

Circle of Influence

We are responsible to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances. -- Stephen R Covey

I definitely need to take on this mentality. Although I feel in control of my circumstances, most of time is spent working on things so they'll be better in the future. I don't spend much time in the here and now making things better.  I make a lot of excuses for any reason why I'm not happy today or right now. "Once I pay off my debts...", "Once I lose my weight...","Once I get a new job..." I'm spending way too much time not working on what I can influence now.

One thing I have started working on is my weight. I fasted Monday and feel great. I started the South Beach diet and feel better and sexier.

Although, yes, it's going to take some time to work out things financially, I need to identify what will make me and SO happy with what we have today.

My job is clearly within my own power to achieve. I know what's holding me back and I'm working on improving those. I feel the analysis I just put together was much better than ones I have been creating. My only drawback right now is my communication with my customers and also my ability to query efficiently. I can and will improve those areas starting tomorrow.

I really need to look at what is going on in my life and tackle them. Therefore, at this moment I will sign off and spend some time with my SO...

Ta, ta for now!

I guess it's been awhile

Trying to get better about posting but I have a blog for eating and for Riddles, so...yeah. Busy times.

Haven't had the chance to read, but I think I'm improving with work and at home. Of course, I have a cold right now, so all things considered, I'm doing okay.

Problem is I think I focus too much on things that aren't as important, like cleaning house or doing work, and less on things that are, like spending quality time with my SO and also listening and talking to him. That's my goal for this week. To really focus on my relationship. I think we get so focused on picking up towels or sharing the workload or managing finances that we forget about the truly important things sometimes, like focusing on what's truly important to our loved ones and providing that.

Negative Attitude

When did this happen to me? When did I get so lethargic, apathetic, and lazy?

I've had a lot of changes in my life, but notably in my professional life, I just don't give a damn anymore. Of course, some of this stems from the utter exhaustion I had at my last job. I was damn good at what I did, however ended up so busy I almost had a breakdown.

So I left that mess, and ended up at a competitive company as small fish again. The first few months went okay, and then my frustration over several things made me apathetic and slow.

Now, I have a lot of things going on (as usual.) I have a new baby to take care of, the boyfriend and I are working through some issues (making progress) and focusing on spending more quality time together, I have a messy house, a messy body, and to top it all off, I have a career to deal with.

I just need to get back into a groove again. Get motivated. Get moving. I've been trying to for awhile but it felt like each time I 'thought' I made progress, I took two steps back. Not sure if this is what I want to do anymore, but regardless it IS what I'm currently doing so I need to get moving and get organized and get motivated.

Ugh.

Reading

I have two things I'm reading right now and I intend to comment on each of them every day. Sort of a way to get me to think, but also act.

First book is The Female Fat Cell - Post Pregnancy (FFC-PP).

From what I've read so far, I really need to embrace my body and appreciate it for all the wonderful things it's done for me. Of course, every day I probably curse my body. But I only seem to be focused on the weight right now. I do have to say that I am skinnying up, without the weight loss. I can tell my body is changing almost daily. However, I still have a goal of fitting into my old clothes (which may never happen, but a girl can dream.) Yes, I love my body. It gives me pleasure with my boyfriend, it feels delicious to sleep or take a warm bath, it still moves for me and has amazingly taken quite a bit of abuse from me. Actually I think at this point I have two goals really. First to lose 20 lbs. Sorry, not going to give that up. And 2ndly to feel good again. I'm tired and achy all the time. I need to focus on healthy eating and exercise to get past that. So I guess first action, is to love the skin I'm in. I need to see myself as sexy again regardless of my size.

2nd book - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (7H)

I've already posted on this book and will be posting more shortly. I have been attempting to remind myself to be proactive. I think it's working. My mind frame seems to be much better and less negative lately.

Be proactive

So in my relentless pursuit of constantly trying to improve myself, I've decided to read at night and during lunch, books and articles to help me further my intelligence and general happiness in life.

Who knows if it will help, but hey, a girl can try.

So at work, during lunch, I'm starting with an oldie but a goodie. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". Now I've heard some counter-arguments to this author's many contributions to self-improvement however, what I've read so far seems to make common sense.

I'm on the first step...Be Proactive.

Essentially the idea is that I have control of my own responses to what happens to me. Which I am a FIRM believer of. Of course, trying to fight old habits can be difficult at times. Last weekend, after thinking I had made a tremendous amount of progress NOT blowing up, of course, I blew up. It was a situation in which I was frustrated and the same situation had repeated itself. Who knows, I may still be the fool in this circumstance, but what choice do I have?

Anyway, major tangent later, I do believe that I have the choice to feel however I feel. I think even down to being tired (which is a big excuse in my general demeanor) can be challenged. Of course, I would really, REALLY like some sleep right now, but my mind is bound and determined to keep me going (I've scheduled workout time tonight with a friend).

Bleh.

Anyway...next 60 days...be proactive, not reactive.

(Why do I feel that tomorrow will be a post on how I wasn't able to accomplish this and blew up yet again? Good thing there are do-overs.)

So Emotional Lately

I know I've been through quite a bit in the past two weeks (and honestly still going through quite a bit), but who knew that give birth would hit you so emotionally? I mean the hormones raging through my system having me crying at the most inappropriate times. It really does suck.

Couple that with the fact that anytime I feel the slightest bit of concern over anything, my heart goes overboard with it. I would just like to get back to the usual logical person that I usually am. Or rather was before pregnancy.

Of course, it makes it hard when I'm stuck inside all day. Tethered to my little man, while although very much enjoyable, can be tedious and exhausting. I'd take him around but quite honestly I don't trust my leg enough to do it.

I guess I need to just realize that the situation is temporary and soon I'll be back to my physical self and be able to go out again.

New Start

Well needless to say, life has made a turn for the interesting. I now have a family that includes my boyfriend, my dog and my son. How odd to say "my son". I still don't feel like a "mommy." Just exhausted. Well, tired, not really exhausted.

So this is the time for new beginnings. A time to learn a new way to live. Try to keep my relationship happy and exciting. Try to get my butt moving and lose the weight again. Try to get focused on learning new tools to do my job. Try to rebuild my relationships with family and friends.

I'm doing better today physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's only gets better from here, right?

New start?

So many things have happened since I last posted. And from what I see, I was pretty much in the same frame of mind last time I wrote...

I'm not cranky, so much as just bitchy and opinionated a lot of the time. I'm thinking I picked this up from the boys as we're always in a verbal sparring match most of the time. I know I have an ability to pick up whatever character traits surround me, so I really need to work on getting back to my old optimistic self.

I'll have an interesting time of turning myself around. I have at most 5 weeks until I give birth to my son (such an odd thing to say.) Then I'll be home for about 9-10 weeks. Then back to work.

I've been so focused on the baby and my relationship lately, that I really haven't given any time to myself. Quite honestly I don't have much to complain about. I work at a well-known company, getting paid a decent amount of money and receiving good benefits (they're the reason why I can take so long for maternity leave.) My boss has been supportive even though I've only been here a year. I have finances I need to take care of, but we're still able to enjoy life and do the things we want. I have incredible friends who are willing to help out at the drop of a hat, and have enjoyed the new experience of being a band manager.

On top of all that, I have an incredible relationship with someone who is verbally and physically supportive and affectionate. We enjoy each other and have been through quite a bit. He's stuck with me and Ridley, and now we have to figure out a whole new dynamic once the baby comes. (Although that seems to be our MO, I don't think we've ever had a steady time of things.)

So the question now is, with all this wonderful stuff and people, what am I going to do to make me happy with myself?

Well I really have been disappointed with my general outlook in life. I've been very pessimistic and kind of lazy. It's time to be optimistic and have fun in life again. I need to remove the barrier I've put up between me and other people. Every time I visit a friend or family, I regret that I didn't interact more. Be more joyous, more involved. I guess I need to figure out the things that are truly important and why and fixate on those.

Secondly, I need to get motivated at work again. This is a good environment to grow my skills, just need to be more proactive about it. I can do this, I just need to ask for help more often and stop getting stuck on being intimidated by the people and the work.

Of course, I guess a month before giving birth is a tough time to accomplish a lot, perhaps that will be my first move. Not to be so hard on myself and others. I definitely need to be more forgiving.

Work and Attitude

I've been a bit cranky lately. Okay, that's putting it mildly...I've been a bit bitchy lately. Negative. I keep criticizing everything and everyone I come across. If not verbally aloud then internally. And it's driving me nuts. Why am I like this? I keep trying to figure it out but well perhaps it has a lot to do with work. I get no communication from my boss (or much others). Communication is mostly over MOC or email, and when I am communicated to it's usually about something I did wrong or need to improve. That will wear on someone. It's not an overtly aggressive environment, more passive aggressive. So when you're surrounded by that, what do you do?

Okay, let's see if I can stick to this...

I have two goals with this journal right now: vetting out my personal goals and tribulations and work on educating myself by reading articles and discussing them. I know, both of these are very selfish goals, however that's what a personal diary is all about. I'm not posting for you, sorry to say, but posting for me.

Okay that's about 90% true. I write to entertain you too, just because this is public and I don't want you to be bored if you run across my entries. I'm such a panderer.

So what's my main concern in life? I would have to say my outlook at this point. I've noticed a growing trend in general towards complaining or sarcasm on everything in life. It's a bit tiresome and not too respectful of others in general. I can understand a general need for humor in life, however the underlying point given in our humor and opinions lately seems to branch to, "You're dumb, I know better."

Okay, so my opinion differs from quite a few others out there. I admit my initial reaction to anything Glenn Beck says is pretty much, "Wow, really? You're a moron." But also admittedly, although I may disagree with him, he's human as well and for me to just dismiss his arguments with a blanket statement regarding his personality is neither helping me to grow as an individual, him in understanding my general disagreement with his argument, or others in being able to see that I'm actually an intelligent human being who has independent and coherent thought without lowering my arguments down to, "yeah, well, you're just a doodoo head."

Cause ultimately, isn't that what we're doing when we say things like that? There's really no argument back to that except, "Wow, you're a moron too if you can't come up with a better counter-point than likening me to someone who has actual mental issues."

So, bearing that in mind, I will approach all events and opinions with respect towards my fellow man. I will approach every moment in life as an opportunity to improve and learn about people and things.

Now comes the hard part...remembering to do it.

I'm unsettled

For some reason I'm just not happy right now. I mean, in some aspects I am. I'm very happy in my relationship. And I'm happy when I'm doing band stuff, but there seems to be a general malaise about me right now.

First of all, I seem numb to most things. If I'm focused on one thing, I ignore all others. I know happiness 100% of the time if totally unfeasible, but I'm just unsettled about how I feel right now.

I do have several things I can pinpoint my anxiousness about. My weight for one. I haven't been this heavy in quite sometime and I just can't seem to lose it. As I get older, my habits seem to be more concrete and accomplishing new goals (whether I've attempted them before or not) seems much more difficult.

My new job is another. While I do like the people and the company, to do my job is akin to pulling teeth. Queries run forever and data is oddly organized. I love looking at data, but a majority of my time is spent trying to manipulate queries and find data. It makes for an exhausting day.

Of course, my car upsets me to. It's getting to 80k now and I've never had such issues with a newer car. For a BMW it's really turned to crap quickly. I've already socked thousands of dollars into it for repairs and I don't relish investing more.

Last but not least is my finances. I have most of it square away except for one thing. It looms over me like a cloud. I know I need to handle it soon but I dread the outcome.

I suppose I should chip away at those. We'll see what rememdies I can find to those issues.

It's time to document my life again

I have so many things going on and so many thoughts about everything.

First of all, I'm now working for an internet company. A very well to do one. I enjoy it here, however everything is brand new to me which makes things awkward. I suffer from newbie syndrome in which I flub up, however, I feel part of this is due to my lack of training. It pretty much consisted of "There's the tables...go at it." It's amazing how many things I learn in life by watching others and saying to myself, "Remember not to do that." For instance, I would couple a new person up with someone else. I somewhat had this my first month, but my "buddy" decided to relocate to another department. Which has now left me floundering. So now I find myself repeating each day, "Don't worry, it'll get better...you'll get better. Beside what are you going to do? Quit?"

Secondly, I have someone new in my life. They make me very happy. I am still tentative to say this as what I say could affect other people. I do't know if my ex still reads my blog, however, I suppose I can't hide who I am or what I do for the rest of my life. I still am somewhat confused about everything only in that I was raised religiously one way and my religion would condemn my lifestyle now, only because I am not with my ex-husband. He was a good person, however we were just two different people with different needs. Every day I hope he is doing well and has found his own happiness.

Third, well, life has certainly changed and picked up. I have new friends, new activities, pretty much a whole new life. I miss certain things about my old life, like my kitty. Onyx (who is the namsake of this blog) has passed away. I miss him immensely. I still have Casper though, shy and reclusive although he is. I have a new cat which drives me nuts...Pookie. A 9 year old rescue cat from the Humane Society who seems to think she gets rewarded Pounce for each headbutt and affectionate bite she gives. I also have a new puppy, Rio. A lapdog with endless energy. She has been my companion through rough times which include more than just the usual stress.

My roommates consist of three brothers, all which keep me well grounded yet enjoying life. Will is an eternal fountain of youth. He shows me the energy and optimism of life. It's funny to grow older and watch people repeat the same steps, decisions and issues you had at their age. Bry is the creative of the group, and with that he shares the same sensitivity and passion as many other artists. I enjoy his passion for everything in life, and mostly his ability to focus on what he really loves to do which is music. Ricky is a dichotomy. He loves communism, yet seeks the fruit of capitalism. He tried to come off as a hard-ass, but his sensitive nature comes through more than he'd like it to.

Bry and Ricky are both in a band. It's an amazing venture and I love every minute of going to shows, watching them record, and doing promotional stuff. This is just a small description of my life right now. The rest is for later...

Time for a Change

I wonder how many times people say that over the course of their lives?

Well, it is. I feel it. Not like a resounding boom of a change, but a small inching change towards becoming the person I should be...I want to be.

All my life, I've attached to people. Attached to people heavily. Well, not people but one person. I become immersed in being involved in that person, making them happy, being with them. Sort of like the Runaway Bride. I know how I like my eggs, but otherwise, I don't have much of my own life anymore.

Recent developments in my life are changing that.

I'm starting to feel the change. When I catch my reflection in a mirror or glass, I notice me. I notice myself as an adult, as a woman, as strong, as an individual.

I hope this sticks, because I've worked too damn hard all my life to become less than a happy, interdependent woman. Hopefully, I'll find myself, and THEN I can find that person to share my happiness with.

Ever post things where you know people won't read them?

I miss you mom. I miss waiting til midnight.

Epiphany

No, I didn't have one. Well...perhaps a small one. However, what I'm talking about is that standard scene in a film or a book in which the main character has an epiphany about their life and everything changes and improves from that moment on.

I'm here to tell you life doesn't work that way.

It's more of a an outward progression made in circles and valleys. You have an epiphany, you make a change, you falter. You dust yourself off or have another epiphany, you make a change, you falter. However, during this process you fall a little bit less harder each time, and eventually you realize that the end goal is in sight.

I'm hoping that's the road I'm on right now. I faltered big time. I fell hard. And I keep falling. But I'm also realizing that I'm not falling as often. And picking myself up seems to come easier and easier. I realize I still have a few big obstacles in my future. But in all honesty, I'm looking forward to them. Encountering them is what is going to ultimately make me a stronger person in the long run.

Just for me

Oh goodness...where the mind wanders...

I am not the same person I was three years ago. Not even a year ago.

I'm horribly self conscious. Self deprecating. Self loathing. Depressed. Unmotivated.

I have my moments. (Usually when I'm not smoking.) Moments when I get ff my ass and do something. Why, starting my blog again, is at least a step in the right direction. But honestly, how did I allow myself to get to this position?

I constantly question myself. My sanity. My intelligence. My looks.

It's time to stop. It's time to respect myself again. My needs, my wants, my self.

I know I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm loving. I'm caring.

I just need to tap into that inner core. Remove that bad crust and dig into that inner beauty that once reflected out.

Okay, so I guess it's not enough to say it. I don't care how many times you have an epiphany...it doesn't work like the movies where suddenly you see the light and everything is fixed. Once your aware, you have to take the steps to make habits. So, hmmm, what would be a good step 1?

Stop smoking I think. Oddly enough, I've noticed my smoking not only taking a physical toll, but an emotional one as well. When I'm not smoking, I'm full of energy, and awareness. So perhaps my physical health should be first. This will involve:
1) Stop smoking for 2 days
2) Drink 4 glasses of water every day for a week
3) Do yoga every day for a week

This seems reasonable, yes? I feel better already.

Maybe it's time to start posting again...

I haven't posted due to MANY things going on in my life. I know that usually I've been the kind of blogger that can blog about anything, but some things just can't be blogged at the time it happens.

So what has brought me out of my Blogging slumber?

A few articles, notes, responses, blogs about "nice" guys.

You've probably seen the rants. A "nice" guy has been jilted by a girl who decided to date a "douchebag". According to said nice guy, she's a heartless bitch that doesn't know what's good for her. So, as a girl who has turned down a few "nice" guys, let me offer some more insight into why...

First of all, don't ever pass judgment or belittle someone for not dating or falling in love with another person. There's a reason why "plenty of fish in the sea" exists as a term. We are all different people, with different needs and wants and preferences. If you don't have chemistry with a person, you shouldn't be forced to or asked to explain yourself. It's just not there. Respect that person and move on to another person who WILL reciprocate. You deserve the best, which means not bargaining for affection and love.

Next, an explanation as to why a girl is not turned on by the nice guy. Honestly, there are many reasons, but most importantly, there's no excitement. I've dated quite a few nice guys and believe me, I've always wanted to feel passionate about them. Knew they were good guys. Tried repeatedly to date them, hoping the spark would show up, but either (A) it wasn't the right time or (B) we never really did anything that made me feel more than amicable. No heated debates, no sparring comments, no flirty gestures. I understand that as a nice guy, saying something out of character poses a risk. You want to be on your best behavior, say all the right things, do all the gentlemanly moves in order to avoid the slightest risk of offending the girl. But first of all, we're all human. We understand that if there's a few aspects to your personality that we don't like, they're overcome by all the ones we do. We want to know your human. Second, some of those traits we actually like. I'm the kind of girl that likes to spar back and forth with some barbed comments. None of the nice guys I dated ever could do that with me. Some were offended. Sorry, I need a guy who can take the challenge. That's okay if you don't like that, but don't expect me to get involved. I need that intellectual stimulation. Just as much as the physical.

Third, for Gods sake, don't think that just because you're a nice guy gives you the right to expect something from a girl then bash her because she's not into you. Isn't that just as bad as the guy who expects something because he bought the girl a drink or dinner? If the feeling isn't mutual, then grow up, realize that it's just not going to happen, and find someone else.

Accept who you are. Accept who she is. If your playing it safe and not showing your true self, then let go and take some risk. Odds are you'll find someone much sooner and it'll be worth it. If that IS you, then great! You'll find someone who loves you for who you are, without feeling obligated.