Avoiding drama

I've been given a choice and so far, I've been angsty about it. I need to calm down, focus and make my decision. Trouble is, I usually decide with the thought in mind, "Will I regret it if I..."

But regardless, my mind just keeps going back to my little man and big man and spending some nice times with him without worrying about money. And I've hated worrying about money. And in all honesty, if I wasn't worried about misleading someone about my intentions salary-wise, I wouldn't stress about this.

I know what I want to do.

I'll have other opportunities. But #1 goal has been paying off debts and I'm going to stay on track.

So tired

...but I need to work past it. 

This has been a large deterrent to most of what I do. Heck I passed out on Ricky last night at like 10 pm. I just kept falling asleep while watching Face Off. Maybe it's my body telling me that I'm not particularly interested in that activity as I seemed to have no issue staying up to watch American Horror. 

Looks like I'll be staying in my current job. I can't say I'm heart broken. We need the money (as has been shown by the $400 car repair we just paid for.)

I did put together a schedule however, as much as I feel I need it, I feel like I don't want to be too structured either. I really think I'll just look into housekeeping services after we get all this debt paid off. That is what bugs me mostly. And what I need help with. If I can just get that under control, I'd feel so much better. 

Ridiculous!

Is everything at the moment! 

I need to find a way to make these reports run faster when the server is slow. I need to figure out what I want in life. And I need to figure out what my goals are. Considering my father, perhaps I should make these 5 year goals. That might be a good idea....

1. Finish my web hosting report, my tab report, and FOS report. 
2. Assist BH with automating. 
3. Talk to Ricky about 5 year plan. 
4. Figure out a way to do shopping and cooking. 

Time to reframe

...and work smarter, not harder. 

So the question is, how could I improve some tasks I have today?

- I need to use my fill table code to run the email stuff. 
- Also need to look at ways to make my split code quicker for past runs

Not much beyond that. Just a simple waiting game. 

I suppose I need to start thinking of ways to beef up my game on 1:1s as well. Perhaps mark a project that can really shine for the week?

Ugh, I'm so out of it. This damn cold/allergies.

How am I going to accomplish everything?

Well...I managed to hold on to my job...for now.

So I guess I need to question if I want to keep it. Hmmm...

Well, I imagine at least for another few months until I can pay our bills off. Anyway, the real question is how to get my life back again. I was posed the question of, "If you could explain 2013 in one word...one word to describe what you want to achieve....what would it be?"

I decided my word would be "Enjoy." I don't enjoy anything like I used to...sleep, showering, exercising, dating, chilling, existing.

I have so many goals but I always fail to make time for those things I just enjoy. Who knew that being a parent would be so overwhelming..anyway...

Things I'd like to figure out how to do...

1. Read a book
2. Exercise
3. Cook
4. Watch a movie without interuption
5. Draw a cartoon
6. Spend some couples time with Ricky

Some New Years Resolutions

1.  Plan out my menu
2. Take Ridley out more often
3. Drink more water
4. Take a statistics class
5. Relax more

I'm gonna go relax now.

So where was I?

Ahhh, starting anew. 

Screw it all. I don't know why I've been so stressed. Worst case, hopefully, I get fired, I take a week off, I get working at a temp agency and I look for a new job. 

I can do this. I'm a mom. I'm hearty and I survive. I've also survived my mom being sick, lived in the desert, been the child of divorce, been unemployed, been broke, supported my husband, supported various friends and family, dealt with my mother's death, my dog's death, my two cats death, my husband going crazy, doing drugs, my heart broken, my heart healed and back labor pain for 32 hours. 

Yeah, I can do this. 

So my next focus is...what do I want to do with my life. I've pretty much hit mid-life crisis. I have all this debt. A wonderful family, but also a grandma who's getting on in age, friends who are experiencing life much more differently than I am, and a boyfriend who is probably going to hit aging crisis soon as well (they hit it much sooner.)

I have life I want to enjoy. I want to exercise again and feel strong. I want to sit and read a book. I want to relax and take in a beautiful day. I want to show Ridley all the wonders in life and earth. I want to build my relationships and have deep, meaningful discussions again. I want to renew my passion in life. 

Of course, all this means getting sleep or at least finding some substitute for it. So many things to ponder, but right now...I have to work.

Sometimes, I wish we had the luxury...

Work has gotten slightly better. My 1:1 on Thursday, while not encouraging was at least not frightening. There are some rules (that I'll cover below) that I learned and need to adhere to. 

However, this morning we had an issue. Ricky needed to get in early, but Patti needed help with the pack n play. Leaving late, he insisted that we drop me off first because, as he said, "we can't afford for YOU to lose your job." It is horrible that the thought of losing my job is somewhat look forward to? I mean, I don't really want to lose it, but my back is in knots from the stress. And I would love to catch up on sleep and spending time with my kid. My entire life, I've always been able to afford to allow my boyfriends the ability to quit their jobs. Ricky has done it at least once, and Rob a bit more frequently. For once, I'd love that luxury. Kick back for a few months while looking around. 

*sigh*

Really, what it comes down to, is I need a vacation. I need to relieve this stress somehow. Of course, once i figure out if I have my job or not. Once, we pay off some bills. Once we get life straightened out, i can do that. But I'm wondering, if that ever really happens? 

Even so, I must remember, that we're still very fortunate. 


Rules of Work

• EVERY email must be treated like it's a final draft and going out to the Executive board
• Make sure everything is labeled in the most sensible way

Oh goodness...

I've put myself in quite a pickle. Well, that's putting it lightly. I've actually been a bit MIA from my journal because I've been completely stressed out. I'm a perfectionist by nature and right now, I'm not. 

I've been placed on warning at my work. 30 days from the day before Thanksgiving. This situation is stressful in it's very nature, but to learn you may get fired the week of Christmas, stresses you out beyond words. 

I should have seen it coming. This job since it's inception, has been muddled. My first interview should have been an indicator. I was pretty much interviewing myself. My "future" boss was fairly uncommunicative throughout the interview. I had to lead it. 

When I started my job, I started with a few low level analysis. I stuck to the formatting structure, talked to my customers, and was fairly happy. Then the entire team quit/transferred and my boss asked for volunteers to take on Domains. No one offered so he volunteered me. I should have known by everyone's lackluster response. I was thrown into the job with only less than 8 hours of training from the previous employee (who was transferred to another department, and I was not allowed to ask her questions after her transfer.) My boss, who had done the job himself, was often too busy or responded that he didn't know where data was in an effort to make me "find it myself." 

After being assigned Domains, I was thrown into Splits. A convoluted process with virtually no training. Immediately I was given a very high priority, high visibility and complicated split...which I promptly messed up. And rather than help me, my boss simply informed me, "When you make mistakes, you make our department look bad. Don't do it again." And continued to have me do the complicated split for another week or so.

After that, I made a couple more mistakes, all this over the span of two years. Through maternity leave, stress, and living within a bubble. However at my year end review I was informed that I received a "Needs Improvement", but that I was already improving and would not have to worry about the "performance improvement plan" HR was making him do. 

Months later, he phoned me and warned me that he was scheduling a meeting that HR had been hounding him about (his words.) And that he was calling to let me know that he was scheduling the meeting so I wouldn't worry. 

So day before Thanksgiving, I arrive at this review with HR (in a conference room located in front of my peers.) At the beginning of the meeting, I'm handed a stapled set of papers that lists everything I did wrong and stated if I didn't improve, I would be fired or placed on extended warning at the end of 30 days (12/21/2012.) The irony of the day was not lost on me. 

So, trying my best, I've developed checklists, checked my data twice before sending out, but my best wasn't good enough. Someone found an error in one of my reports and now I know my days are literally numbered there. My PIP said absolutely no errors for a quarter. I had one. 

So...that takes care of exorcising my demons. Getting it out. Now for the part I need to stay sane. To continue to believe in myself. To continue on and realize, that while I may not have succeeded at this job, I am not a failure. 

• I have do what not many can do. I take tons of metrics and analyze, format, and present them in a matter of hours. And I do this multiple times a day. 
• While I could have communicated more, my training was near to none and expectations were exceptionally high. 
• I learned from my experience and bring that with me. 
• I know how I failed, and I know how to fix it. 
• I know what I don't want to do or where I want to do it. This job from the beginning was an experiment. I wanted to try a highly competitive, newer company to see if I liked it. I don't. Even if I had succeeded at keeping my job, I would have been utterly miserable. And probably would have stayed. 
• I've missed being the main caregiver to my kid. I would love some time at home to help him develop. And explore. And discover. 
• I'm fortunate enough to have a supportive family and friends. 
• Finances are gonna suck, but we'll streamline and do things we didn't do before...like cook. 
• Hopefully, my next job will be less stressful and I can enjoy work again. I've been so stressed, I literally shake physically when going home. 

So now I need to pick myself up, learn from my mistakes, and fix this mess. 

Why am I here?

Such a  big question, that could apply to many different circumstances. However, I'm considering it at my current place of employment. 

This job is certainly taxing. I spent all day tweaking and generating. We spent a whole day trying to identify a way for new and experienced users alike to comprehend our analysis'. All in all, I must say my boss' boss was very kind about the issues that arose from Friday's email. Nothing was wrong, per se. We just have a different audience now. Perhaps I need to research how to speak to a varied audience. Hmmm...

Anyway, through all the tweaking, I think i still not fair too badly. I wasn't hacked to pieces. I wasn't criticized  Unlike my immediate "mentor", this was viewed as an opportunity for improvement for everyone, not a personal criticism. I enjoyed that. It's been awhile since I've been treated as someone who isn't an idiot. 

However, this lead me to think..."What am I doing here?" Most people consider this under the pretense of not being happy and needing to look elsewhere. However for me, it's really a realignment of my priorities and goals. I'm at a perfect place to learn. Yes, maybe the environment is not ideal, however this could be a great challenge and victory if I get my stuff straight. 

We do internal reporting, but almost at a public level. I'm relied upon to pull and analyze large amounts of statistical and marketing data. Yeah, I'm that guy. And it could be very lucrative and fulfilling. But first I need to prioritize and refocus. 

Holy Crap

What a day! What a week! 

We are broke as sin, but paying off our debts.

I struggled like crazy today to get some reports done, annndddd for the most part got them done. Let's see what's left?

• Finish up activation reports
• Help Amanda with her website
• Figure out Ricky and my goals
• Finish laundry
• Clean the house
• Snuggle with my babies
• Find a way to go to Thai on Tuesday. 

Have Fun...

Unsure why this thought hit me this morning. I realized I lost my ability to have fun, no matter what I do. 

What happened to me? I suppose that doesn't matter as much as what is going to happen to me?

I've decided to infuse fun into everything I do. No more moping or bitching or complaining. No more judging or hassling. Just plain old fun. Life is way too short, especially now I'm getting older. Plus I have to set an example for my son and more importantly, my boyfriend. 

So what to do today?

Well it IS Halloween, so I suppose incorporating fun might be a little easier today. 

To Do:
- Intl report
- Conversions
- Laundry
- Have fun with family
- Take tons of pictures
- Stay on track with diet

Priorities Have Changed

Now if only I could remember that...

Yes, I'm trying to be less task oriented and more awesome oriented. Funny, R and I talked the other night and he said his goal for us was pretty much be the best at everything. I wanted to argue that, but honestly that used to be my goal. Nothing like a few stretch goals to get you motivated. 

This weekend was busy but full of good times with friends and family. I must admit ultimately I do enjoy the busy times to the slow ones. 

I suppose I should find some happy medium between tasks and lifestyle. There's just so much to do...

Well shoot, I'm staring to hate schedules and to do lists, Well maybe not so much to do lists. I need to figure out how to keep track of everything without feeling overwhelmed. 

For some reason my body is raving working out. Could be because I'm starting to feel normal again. So some things to take care of tonight:

• Finish laundry
• Clean floors
• Clean up kitchen and living room
• Teach Riddles something new
• Watch Amish and Princes 
• Do Prague stuff (AI schedule, bookings) 

Wait...perhaps I should segment this up into who I'm doing it for. Hmmm...

I know it sounds odd, but I was my most happiest when I was helping others. Perhaps not so weird, it is Ghandi's teaching after all. Must think this through some more. Perhaps tonight. 

Oh Goodness

SO and I had a massive fight and discussion last night. Both of us knew something was wrong but both of us thought we knew how to fix it. Looks like neither one of us knew how. 

So it was a good conversation that lasted until 2 am. Now I'm super exhausted but feeling much better. 

Now on to the hard part, actually making some changes. 

Baby steps, baby steps...

Today I pledge to:

• Get excited about something. 
• Stick to my diet plan (Just need to lose 1 more lb to hit my goal for this week)
• Get interested in my job

I need to stop worrying about mundane stuff like cleaning and laundry. I know I'll do that. And if I just keep to my tasks schedule, I should be okay. Just need to make sure everything is set up. What I really need to focus on is my relationships and my quality of life. Perhaps that's my first big step. Ensuring my goals involve the quality of life and happiness, not my environment around me.

So tired...

of everything really. Work is frustrating. My relationship is frustrating. Everything else is exhausting. 

On the bright side, I came to a couple conclusions:

(a) All this time I've been thinking about hiring cleaning help really matters. I allowed myself to fantasize for a brief moment what life would be like if my bathrooms were clean, my trash emptied, my dishes washed, my floors swept, and my laundry done. Seriously would be so worth it. I can't afford to right now, but I warned SO that in five months, it's as good as done. 

(b) I spend way too much time worrying about food. So crockpotting is the way to go. I can not worry about wasting time buying food and prepping it at night. If I just plop it in the morning, it'll be ready by night no matter what our plans. And it's healthy. So done with trying to scramble around and eat poorly.

(c) I am not failing as a mother. When I came home from NYC it's like my eyes and ears opened. I started noticing that he was using words in association with things. Not sure why, but Rio is associated with 'nuh' and he mimicks barking. He also was able to understand how a sticker works tonight. I do believe he may be at that age where I can reinforce NOT to eat things. 

(d) I seriously need to stay focused at work. Which means no FB, no internet. And yes, my boss is not a very good one. He's friendly and smart, but he does not give his employees the support and recognition they need to flourish. So I need to find other ways to flourish. I've always thrived on recognition and thanks. Not gonna happen here. Perhaps I need to recognize myself? Maybe share wit colleagues? Maybe find an alternative way to feel fulfilled?

(e) My FB mommies really are a great source of encouragement. I've been so zombified these past months. I finally reached out with a real problem and they were great. I need to take time and focus on them too. They really are a great source of advice. 

(f) I do not spend enough time with my friends. I may be older and wiser, but they are living life. I enjoyed spending time with Sabrina this weekend. It was nice to get out and do stuff. However I need to reach out even further. I had fun, but not too much. I need to push my boundaries to feel again. Like I said, I've been zombified and I need to experience feelings and emotions again. 

I'm not gonna push this. I'm going to take my time and refocus on getting better. The only thing I know for sure that I need to do right now is journal and try to figure out what to do by baby steps.

Augh!

Per usual, I have a million things to do before I leave late tomorrow night. R's show is tonight...early. So I'll be watching Riddles and putting him to sleep which means he'll probably wake up again. I need to get tons of laundry done. Clean the house before I leave (okay, that one's not as important.) And a million work projects to get done today. Pack. Look for my big coat. Bleh. 

So, focus for today: Prep for tomorrow. 

Work

• Get 4 tab done
• Get 9.99 done
• Get Short Stack done

Personal

• Laundry
• Find coat
• Deposit $$
• Pack Riddles
• Pack myself

Okay, maybe it's not as much as I thought. I think I'm just overwhelmed with work and personal issues right now. And tired. And ugh...I need to do some yoga or meditation. 

So tired

I really do underutilize my journal. I just noticed I've been keeping this blog for 7 years. Not consistently, but geesh. And some years only have a few posts. I really need to start keeping a traditional diary with what's going on in my life, my fears, my happy times...

I' am truly tired at the moment, but a friend is coming over to have a girl-to-girl talk. So, I'll be up. Waiting...

In the meantime, my father surprised me tonight. Yes, my father who was estranged from me for about 4 years. We made up and he is an amazing grandfather. Even more surprisingly, his wife is an amazing grandmother. I mentioned that our vertical blinds were broken the other day and next thing I know we have new blinds. PLUS he gave me a considerable amount of money to take to NYC with me. My initial reaction? Grateful but now I feel guilty and searching my memory banks for times I said or insinuated I was broke.

(Oops, had to go to talk to my friend.)

Vicious Circle

I have not time to reflect and plan because I'm busy working and cleaning and taking care of my family. But I need to plan in order to properly devote time to all these things including myself. Whew! 

I really need to plan this out. Last night I slacked because I wanted to enjoy time with my men and watch the debate. I ended up falling asleep on the couch again, but I'll forgive myself. 

So now...what I need to do is really take time and reflect on who I want to be, what I want to do, and how to go about it without shorting myself and my family. 

So first things first....accomplish some work. My SO is out tonight doing practice so I can plan my time a bit better. Perhaps the first rule I should make is no tv at home when no one's home?

So...

Work

• Finish ACOS
• Start Conversions
• Start CO

Personal

• Dinner with Fam
• Laundry
• Time with Riddles (no tv)
• Clean the  kitchen/living room
• Clean the bathrooms
• Sit down and establish needs/wants/goals

Ugh, I have so much running through my mind during the day. I really need to organize my thoughts. Such as: 

• Maybe I should designate a certain credit card for gas or even get a prepaid gas card. 
• I need to plan out meals, mostly crockpot, and buy groceries at the beginning of the week
• How much time would that take? i suppose I could do it while SO is playing video games. But how could I keep this up regularly? Our weekends and even weekni...hold it. I know for a fact that he's gonna be out Mon and Wed. So perhaps those are the days I could do my crockpot prep time. Hmmmm....
• I need to plan all meals and make sure he's taking hi medication. 
• I need some diorama or board to keep my goals and dreams in focus every day. I also need this for my schedule. I need like a monitor that's linked to my schedule. lol. 
• How do i ensure that I enjoy and grow in addition to the regular routine I do?

Something has to change

I think perhaps this blog needs to change it's focus. This week has made me realize that what I'm doing may be accomplishing things, but probably not the things I should be accomplishing. 

Okay, so I got some things done at work and at home, but I'm disconnected from everything and tired. Tired and bored. I'm not happy. And neither is Ricky. 

Well happy is somewhat subjective. We're happy, but we're still missing something. Perhaps the better description is we're happier than we've been but not as happy as we could be. 

Why? well boredom, stress, knowing what we used to have. It all seems to have dissipated along with the energy the kid has sapped out of me. Actually, now I reflect, perhaps it's not the kid. Perhaps its my job. There is very little at my job that I actually enjoy and nothing I look forward to. The last time I actually enjoyed my job, I was working on making the split tests more friendly. But that was a short-lived moment. 

Now I'm sitting at work, bored and fearful. Yesterday I had a large report not unlike the one I fucked up before and thus between my boredom and my fear, I didn't give it my 100%. I got it right, just not great plus I missed something. So the big questions are...

• What would it take for me to get excited about work again? 
• What would it take for me to get excited at home?
• What's truly important in my life? Is there other ways to accomplish the things I'm worried about but that aren't as important?
• How am I limiting myself by making excuses that my baby needs me? What would I do if I didn't have to watch Riddles? 

Man, I wish I could just fix this in a matter of seconds. But it's gonna take time to figure this one out. 

Working on it

Okay chipping slowly away at stuff that needed to be done. Need to kick butt some more today...

Personal

• Do things I like to do (I swear I only do things I feel I have to do anymore, time to have more fun)
• Stick to points, drink green tea, focus on veggies and protein
• Development stuff with Riddles-man
• Fun time with Ricky
• Pay bills
• Talk to Sabrina

Work

• Check monthly (-10)
• Finish 999 (10-2)
• Finish ACOS (10-2)
• Finish auctions (2-2:30)
• Finish conversions (2:30-4:30)

Taking a different approach

Ugh! I fell asleep early again! What is wrong with me?!?!

Bry came over at around 8:30 and I promptly fell asleep on the couch. I'm drinking more green tea, eating healthier, but for the love of JC I can not stay awake past 9 pm. I guess I need to just reset some bad habits. 

Okay...so....

Personal

• Keep losing weight. Drink green tea. Eat proteins and veggies. Don't go over points. Lose over .5 lb today.
• Stay awake...past 10 pm.
• Try orajel on Riddles to see if he sleeps through the night again. 
• Work on Prague stuff
• Clean the house

Work

• Finish 9.99
• Finish ACOS
• Provide auctions
• Work on conversions (finish tomorrow)
• Work on CO (finish tomorrow)