Raked Over The Coals

God, I feel like crap. Emotionally, physically...let's explain the easy one first.

I still have a cold, only instead of nausea now, I have congestion. And a somewhat drippy nose. It's driving me nuts. Ugh!!! Better than the nausea though. I can't help but wonder if this is due to the stress in my life.

So last night, I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, snuggling up to my teddy bear. Thinking about my marriage. How he didn't get me a Christmas gift. How we discussed it Wednesday and he said he would draw my cat as a gift. How he promised it Thursday...that passed. Promised it over the weekend...that passed. How I sit alone in bed, on the couch, going out. How I sit there and pretend that bear or the blanket I'm cuddling is male. How he just plays video games all the time. How he makes all sorts of promises, then fails to follow through unless it can be accomplished ten minutes after the promise is made. How if I really had to, I could wait until he works then try to get an apartment where Blue stays. How I should actually tell him I'm thinking of separating.

I couldn't get to sleep thinking all that, so I got up and walked to the living room (where he was playing games.) I sat on the couch. Mulled it over another minute and then told him, "How much longer can it be this way?"

I told him everything I was thinking. Argued with him over the fact that the actions he doesn't take show how little he really does care. That I know he loves me, just in a platonic sort of way. I mentioned the separation. I told him if things don't change by the time he starts working again, "I'll be staying somewhere else."

Of course, I stayed up a couple of hours after that. He sat on the couch with me and watched stupid things. And then he went to bed with me. He started running his fingers through my hair while I sat there and silently cried. I cried because it had been eons since he touched me like that. And it felt so good. And I just sat there and kept thinking, "I just want you to treat me like you want me. Like I'm something special in your life. Like today is going to be our last day together. Like you want to spend time with me. Like I'm your wife. I've given so much. I've been with you through depression, unemployment, drugs, psychological issues. Now I need you. I don't care if you don't do dishes. Or clean the house. Or do the damned laundry. I want you to touch me. To hold me. To love me."

So we'll see. I don't want to throw away a marriage. I do love him. He's a good guy. I just question his motives for staying with me. We'll see...