Bluntly Honest

The past few days have been so filled with confusion and emotion...

Hubby and I discussed things further yesterday. Although, sometimes things get misunderstood, so I hope I didn't misunderstand...

We have decided to just be friends. Unfortunately, my feelings towards him aren't what they used to be. And as much as I'd like that to not be true, you can't control your feelings. I'm a logic girl and believe me this frustrates me immensely. But what is, is.

So we've agreed to just be friends. We won't even be seeing eachother in the next two weeks. This process has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. Ending thirteen years of a relationship, 9 years of a marriage is hard.

I still want to take care of him. I worry about how's he's handling things. But on the same token, I just can't anymore. It's time to take care of myself. So many years of handling his issues. Taking care of his needs.

But it's time to take care of my own. Time to take care of myself. Discover myself. Figure out who I am as a person without being attached to another.

My mind races over tons of things. Being just another statistic. The feeling that I'm abandoning him. The fear that I may have just fucked everything up. But then I think of the lonely nights. The times when I really needed someone to just listen or hold me or just plain care. I think about the dreams I had regarding children and feeling depressed because I was going it alone.

I have no regrets. No anger. No bitterness. Just a need for sweet release.

I know he's reading this. And while I've said these things in the past, I think it's probably more blunt in this post. I really don't know how to say goodbye.