Haven't updated lately...

because I'm not sure really what to say or how to say it. I feel as if I'm going through another transitional period in my life. It's a good transitional period, but it's making me feel very self-conscious about myself. First I'll explain everything that has happened in the last few days, just to catch you up. Then I'll go into the emotional whys of everything.

I'll start with Saturday (because that's as far back as I remember).

Saturday was my birthday. 32 years old. I slept in...somewhat...then woke up to my roomies bearing a gift. When I opened it up, I discovered my favorite (and probably least known to many people) movie....Harold and Maude. If you don't know about this movie, it's a dark comedy about the love that blossoms between a young boy and a very old woman. The first thing the roommates said to me was, "It's a love story, you perv." Ah, ha.

The card that came along with it meant a lot to me. It was a typical birthday card, but it was filled with quotes from movies and songs such as "You had us at hello." It was hilarious and sweet. For those of you who don't know, R, K, and I are very close. We're often referred to as the Three Muskateers and it even surprises us how well we get along.

Then K ran out to get doughnuts and I worked on my very first Toastmasters speech. It was an ice-breaker in which I had to explain to the audience who I am. However, I decided to turn things around and talk about who I want to be instead. I was really nervous. I think a lot had to do with the fact that I had to memorize about a page and a half worths of speech and my memory sucks.

At about 3, I gave the speech...very nervously. However, I did receive good reviews. I have another speech scheduled for this weekend. I really need to start working on it.

After that we went to Outback for dinner. They have the best steaks and vegetables there. The crown sang Happy Birthday to me and then we jetted out to go watch R's little brothers play...Dracula: The Musical.

Now if you live in AZ and like campy musicals, I highly suggest this play. The main character, Dracula, did an excellent job. It's only $25 at most, so get your butts over there.

It was R and K, R's brother B and his girlfriend, and two fellow Toastmasters R2 and S. It was great having R2 and S there as they laughed boisterously and this made the play all the more enjoyable. It's never good to watch a comedy with people who don't know how to laugh.

Afterwards we went to a wine bar and sat outside. We conversed and people-watched, then went home and crashed around midnight. All in all it was a good birthday.

However, Sunday, we met up with fellow Toastmaster friends (on unofficial business) at a bar to have breakfast. This certain groups of TMs are good people, but very outgoing and funny. At this point in my life, I've become a bit withdrawn and lately I'm very self-conscious around this group. I almost feel like the tag-along outsider who is always awkward around the group. I just can't seem to let loose around them yet. And it drives me nuts, because I feel like everyone is wondering why the hell I'm there.

So, I'm trying to get myself in the frame of mind to not give a damn. I mean, I give a damn about the people and the group, but quite frankly I need to get out of this bad habit of trying so hard to get people to accept me. If I'm not loud and funny and entertaining right now, I need to be okay with that. I'll get back to that eventually. But, I'm trying to accept myself right now, much less trying to get others to accept me.

Like I said, I'm in transition right now. I'm doing a lot of inward thinking and a lot of just trying to relax and let go. I almost feel like I'm in a struggle with myself between who I want to be and who I think others want me to be. Seriously, I'm 32. Shouldn't I have this figured out by now?