Today's the day...

I get divorced. I cease to be (married name) and regress back to (maiden name).

Now, I thought I was handling this pretty well. I went to go pick up mail from my old house yesterday and ran across the ex. A bit shocking...yes. Also, he didn't know the hearing was tomorrow (cripes). But all in all afterwards I had a good five minute cry and then was in slight freaky-outy mode for the rest of the night.

This morning, I thought I was doing well until I got into work. I don't know if someone sneaks onions into my computer monitors, but for some reason lately, if I'm going to get weepy, it's in front of my computer screen. I know I don't look forward to work lately, but this is ridiculous.

So I freaked. One of my roommates, K, was sweet and sent me a few "you go, girlfriend" and "if you need to get it out, just get it out" emails. Which I appreciated, but I think just added to my insanity. Subconsciously, I think all of a sudden I was required to freak out and get emotional. So I freaked out and got emotional. I texted my other roommate and freaked out on him. We were supposed to have lunch today, but he potentially cancelled because he has work to do and meetings (pushaw). Anyway, after reprimanding him for not being a good friend (seriously, ditching me on D-day?) and generally telling him to shove off, I called him. This is how the conversation went:

R: "Why are you so emotional over this?"
Me: "I dunno. Because this is 'it'. The end of a 14 year relationship."
R: "I thought it was 'it' 8 months ago. What makes this anymore 'it'?
Me: "I dunno."
R: "You're being dumb. Stop being so emotional."
Me: "Damn it, you're right."

Okay, so he didn't literally call me dumb, but that was the essence. After thinking about it for a minute, I determined he's right. There really was no reason for me to go off the deep end. This is it.That's a good thing. There's no reason for me to feel guilty or anxious or sad. I was miserable. I should be celebrating today.

Of course, there's always that little niggle of guilt. I feel like I abandoned my ex and he plays on that as much as he can. But you know what? Fuck that! I supported, and loved, and coddled, and worked my ass off for that relationship! I even acted fairly throughout the whole separation.

So, yeah, I'm doing better now.