Self Help (no, not that kind...you pervert!)

So...

I made a decision to purchase a self-help book to work through some of my codependency issues. I looked in the bookstore for about an hour, before deciding upon the least douchey book. I'm not a touchy-feely sort of person and I'm very particular about these types of books. I made sure the book I chose was at least authored by a professional in the field as opposed to some third-rate wannabe psycholigist/actress.

Anywhoo...

The book I finally chose had many areas and dependencies. I thought I had issues with co-dependency, whooo, boy, lemme tell you...apparently one of my largest issues is with fear of abandonment. I read this section and the fear started crawling up from the bottom of my belly and stuck in my neck. Just reading this section made me anxious.

One of the points they made, that fell very close to home for me, was that I get anxious when I don't talk to those closest to me for periods of time. I cling on, and when they leave, I get anxious that they'll leave (or lose interest). So I hound them or get angry at them when they haven't replied back to my emails/texts/phone calls.

Since the divorce this has become worse. Oddly enough, I left my husband in that scenario, but my abandonment issues have gotten worse. I get very anxious when people don't get back to me. Or if I feel threatened in social situations. Quite frankly, I feel like that puppy you leave at home. They just look up at you and whimper.

Anyway, the book says the first step to overcoming this issue, it recognizing it. So, I've recognized it and I recognize when it's happened in my day-to-day activities. I just keep repeating to myself that it's okay and people are busy and people need their freedom too and that I need to be okay just being me.

I did make a little discovery today. It seems that most friends and family in my life, that I've lost touch with, I've never spoken to again. I've always complained that if I didn't email or phone them first, we wouldn't be speaking anymore. And for the most part, that's what happened. When I stopped making the first contact, they never did.

Then I came to the realization that my friend Jackie never did this to me. Bless her heart, she's thousands of miles away, eight hours difference, and I still get little notes of encouragement from her. That gives me hope.

Of course, there's my mom and my grandma. Okay, and my aunt. But other than that....all my friends...ALL my friends in the past, I've lost touch with. Blue, R and K are the oldest relationships I have (other than Jackie) and that's only 3 years. Hell, I don't even talk to my ex-husband anymore. My father, his wife, my sister and brother...nothing. My closest from from my last job...nothing.

So that's a lot of abandonment issues to work through. I get anxious and paranoid just thinking about it. The little, okay large, niggle of fear works it way up from my chest into my head, and I just want to...I don't know...freak out.

So that's what I'm working on today...not freaking out. Hopefully, with a little dedication and some luck, I'll be able to move past that fear.