Wow!

It's almost the end of the year, okay not that close, but I haven't blogged much at all. I guess you can tell when I'm happier. I stop reading, stop blogging, start living. 

Although, currently life has it's ups and downs. Me and the future Mr had a serious discussion last night (aka argument.) It was exhausting and depleting and now all day today all I want to do is nap. That's my body's way of coping with both physical and mental and emotional pain...let's ignore the world by passing out. 

Funny how each year I ponder, "what happened to me?" And why the hell haven't I changed it? I mean life isn't bad, but what the heck happened to me?

Perhaps my past life was due to the people I was involved with. Not myself. I was involved with a group of good, if not morally questionable, people. Now I'm a hermit. 

Maybe I need to involve myself in something? Get involved again. But the question is with what? I really don't want to go back to Toastmasters. That requires too much work. At least for me. I always get roped into doing stuff. Right now I just need something enjoyable. But heck if I know what that is. 

I'm on the cusp of getting a new job, so perhaps that will be my catalyst. I just need to be patient. Bleh. 

Life is a flurry right now

But a good flurry. I think. I'm so scattered, I don't know if I'm happy or not. lol

So, marriage in two months. Almost exactly. Two months and twelve days. Weird. I mean, who would have thought, four years ago that I would be getting married to Ricky and have a three year old son. Not me. I was going through a range of emotions and Ricky and I were just "trying out" a relationship. lol

Next thing we know...BAM! Positive pregnancy test. Talk about nervous and scared. Who knew what the future was going to bring. If you had told me I'd be happily engaged to Mr. P, I would have laughed in your face. Hopeful, but disbelieving.

Which is why it's so nice to look back on old journal entries. My life before Ricky and after seem so far apart. Not even connected. I used to be a driven but mousy girl. I didn't believe in myself and dedicated myself to my husband. But once he told me he'd lied to me about all the progress, about everything, I snapped. I literally snapped.

I'd had enough of taking care of other people and not getting anything back. I had cleaned, and supported, and done everything I could to make him happy. And the entire time, I was miserable. Crying alone in the bathroom. Medicating myself with tv and books.

My relationship now is totally different. We communicate. We appreciate eachother. I can honestly now say I know what it's like to want to be a better person for someone else. It amazes me how much he loves me. Not only accepts me, but adores me for who I am. Accepts my faults. Wants to communicate. But also is genuinely hurt when I yell or when he thinks I think less of him.

I really hope we can make this work for life. I'm optimistic.

So annoyed with the world

You know your OCD is getting bad when you start stepping into rooms and imaging what they'd be like if you lived by yourself. I look around the room. Imagine all the time I'd have on my hands and also how I would leave little messes all over the place. I imagine the office desk perfectly set up. All clean and neat. Then the bookcases and all the misc crap laying around them. The empty bottles of water wouldn't be there. The stains on the carpet.

But then I take a big sigh and realize all I traded in for my ability to be clean and organized. A wonderful fiancee who loves me immensely and snuggles me each morning. A kid that screams "Mom!" and runs into my arms every time I see him. A dog that's loyal enough to sleep by my side every night. All of this is worth every misc bit of crap laying around and every dirty patch on the carpet.

Getting there slowly?

Oh goodness. I am not what I was. 

I had a few communications with my friends this week regarding wedding shopping and other various things. It's not as close as I would hope. I just haven't been that great of a friend since Ridley. I've been huddled in my world. Focused only on my child and me and our survival. Admittedly any special attention is reserved for Ricky. I've been civil with my friends, but not close. Trying to repair that damage will take a while and getting myself back into habits of unselfishness will take work. 

Perhaps it's just me, but having a baby makes you selfish. You center your world around this one little being's survival. It takes all your energy to take care of them and what tiny bit of energy is left is reserved for things like showers or cleaning. I haven't had time much for else. At first I thought it was just a temporary situation, but without a car, it took all my time away from everyone. Now I need to learn to be social again. 

It's funny. Over the past years, I've withdrawn into this shell. The thought of a meeting or phone call makes me cringe. I know I can train myself to be social and caring again. I just need to suck it up and jump in. 

On a lighter note, I've tried MindBloom and it actually seems to be helping. At least these first few days. Let's hope I can continue to utilize it effectively. 

Muchness

I love the line in Alice in Wonderland where Alice is told she's lost her muchness. That's how I feel. I constantly question myself, who I am, what I do. I feel like I lost my muchness.

I'm constantly battling this vision of myself...being overweight, being bitchy, being lazy.

So I'm trying to overcome that. Those doubts in my head. I need to build my confidence again. My fun. My muchness.

I feel the year ahead will have a lot of change and I'm looking forward to that.

Thoughts

A thought passes my mind every once in awhile. Getting older, at least for me, hasn't made me more confident. I was expecting this slow creep of positive self-esteem. Being comfortable in my body and my mind. A knowledge and understanding of the world that only comes with age and experience. However, the older I get the more aware I am of the mistakes I've made in the past. Although, without these mistakes I would not have learned, I'm still ashamed by them and they're a reminder that my quest for perfectionism can never be achieved. I'll always have those black marks in the past.

When I was younger, I had that confidence. New to the world, I pursued everything with excitement and doggedness. I was smart and ahead of the game. I thrilled in being a successful career woman in her 20s. But as I got older, I didn't really progress in my career. I still know the old technologies. I don't do too badly with them but I haven't pursued the new technologies like I should have. I've settled into what I know.

The last 10, 15, 20 years came with enormous amounts of stress. From an unstable home of divorced parents, to a relationship with a drug-addicted boyfriend, to a crazed lifestyle with a mentally unstable husband, to a passionate affair with a narcissist, a dying mother, an unexpected pregnancy, and finally a settled and normal happy relationship with the father of my child and love of my life.

However, even though all those experiences left their own mark. I still wouldn't change them. They kind of compounded upon each other. Well, except my mother's death. That stood alone. It was inevitable, but completely unexpected. I don't know why, but I never connected leukemia with cancer. I never connected either with death. My mom had survived so much more in the past.

My mom was 10 times the woman and mother I am. Throughout all her battles with auto-immune diseases, she always managed to give back. She volunteered almost up to her dying day. She gave of herself to anyone who asked or needed it. If someone wants an example of how unfair life is, they only need to look at my mother.

I think of her and what she did with her life. I'm happily getting married and have a wonderful relationship with a man who loves me passionately. I have a career that pays me well and allows me the flexibility to take care of my family and enjoy my life. I have friends that support me and are there for whenever I need them. So why do I still feel lacking? What did I learn in my life to believe that I still need to do more?

Keep a clean house. Make more money. Have a bigger house...car...nicer clothes. Closer friendships, that one makes sense, doesn't it? Skinnier. Smarter. More attractive. Funnier.

Where do I start? How do I build back that confident girl of the past?

Change in schedule

So now Ricky has a new job, we have to reevaluate our schedules. He'll be working from 7am to 5pm, so it'll be back on me to plan out and cook meals again. Plus it'd really be great to have a working vehicle again. I can't take riddles anywhere without a car. 

So need to figure this out. So much to do...

Back on Track

This seems to be the theme of my life. I feel like everything is a mess right now and that primarily has to do with me being tired (which is partially a vitamin D definciency and partly a "I need to get off my butt and exercise" issue.) I'm really not doing THAT badly, however I need to set some goals for myself and keep them in the forefront. I need an inspirational board and something to keep me motivated. Primarily, I'd like to lose weight, keep the house clean, work on my relationship, and stay atop of my extracurricular activities. I need to focus on volunteering too, but now it looks like that is not going to hapen until Feb. We'll see. Time to start planning.

Oh goodness! Life is so much better since mving jobs, but I seem to have thrown myself into everything again! I love my new job. I feel better about myself and what I can accomplish. I can do so much for this company and I'm excited for it. I'm also helping out with Toastmasters and Ricky's band, Mister Lucky. Hopefully I won't do too much and get myself all stressed out again. I need to figure out my schedule and give myself some down time. Hmmm,nails might be it. I'll need to figure out that one again.

Sleep anyone?

Oh goodness. I try to get things done but then my son decides that he wants to try to fall asleep with mommy for two hours. Thank goodness Ricky took over bathing duties last night. It gave me a chance to do laundry and also finally throw away those shoes laying in the carport that Will never took care of (bitter? a little)
Anyway, I did get some things done, bingo for me. However Ricky looked up what is going on with Riddles and apparently this is a phase. Argh. So it may some while til I am productive again. I'll keep trying to stick to my method of tasks however and try to spend more time with my men.

Simplify

It's time to simplify my life and the life of my family.




Hmmm, I wonder how I go about doing that? I suppose I start with the house. Get rid of everything we don't need. Organize everything we do. For the record, yes, I did do this before. And for the record, yes, it did work.
Life has been even more simplified since Will moved out. While I miss the little bastard, I'm glad to have control over my house again. I don't have someone critisizing every move or change I make in the house. I don't have flip flops and shoes and trash lying about the house. I hope he feels better too. Like he controls his own domain as well.
So goal #1...simplify.
So ways I can do this:

- Create snacks rather than lunches for my family. (Eating is to sustain life, not gorge.)

- Get rid of all furniture and stuff we don't need anymore (this includes my comic books, Riddles old toys, tvs, junk)

- Consider processes that take up time and making easier (cleaning the bathroom - keep cleaning stuff in the bathroom to clean during bathtime once a week.)

Tired

Slightly tired. Of course, it will hit me like a pound of bricks later tonight. I have to go to Toastmasters and wondering why. Perhaps it's time to focus on leadership instead of speeches? Somewhere along the line my excitement over giving speeches died out.
Honestly though, my passion for most stuff died out. Just super tired all the time. I need to start taking time for myself. With Ridley not sleeping though, it takes it out of you.

Work is going well except we found a couple of database that rely on the one I converted. Oh joy. So most likely more conversions. My work is all scattered in it's complexity. Of course, part of this is due to my lack of knowldge in Crystal Reporting so I just need to keep on keeping on. Must adhere to my goal of going beyong the customers needs however. I can do this!!!

Living the Good Life

Goodness life has taken a turn for the better...


Work: I was given my 90 day review and they love me. I'm doing work that I love and learning new things. It's amazing. What's more, my company seems to like to focus on the idea that give people work that they love to do and they'll be happy. Go figure! So now I feel a bit better about my role at work and feeling more secure about my sanity and my actual knowledge, I want to exceed my customers expectations! Blow them away! Work on being that big fish in a little pond again!

Home: Things between Ricky and I have been much better since about a week ago. Okay, so it wasn't really THAT bad to begin with but in all honesty, not having Will there has given us the freedom to be us more often. Didn't realize how much it was affecting us and our family. It wasn't bad by any means, but this is much better. Ricky and I have been working on the Death Star he got for his birthday and spending more quality time together. It's been so much more relaxing and better. So my goal here is just to continue investing that time into our relationship and spend better time together.
Ridley: My little man has been learning by leaps and bounds. I can pretty much hold an entire conversation with him between nods, gibberish and actual words. He's getting the hang of "ask and you shall receve". well, most of the time. He asks for a bottle right now and throws a fit when he doesn't get it. Focus on the little man will be on vocabulary and trying to get him to talk/communicate more.

YOLO

I have been feeling a little better about life in general lately. I'm starting to get my life back on track and identify the things I really want out of life.


Of course, Riddles progression with his vocabulary also helps immensely. I always start worrying about my parenting skills and then he goes through a dev leap. (Way to go Riddles!)
My intention is still to volunteer at Crisis Nursery however my email seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I missed the last orientation because it was at 1 in the afternoon and $65 for a background check. I emailed to ask them when the next one was, but received no answer. Maybe I'll go look at the website now.
I spoke too soon. I've regstered for a July course. That makes me feel better. Something someone said the other day about making time for what you think is important...I need to do that.
Right now, obviously, Ricky and Riddles are important, but also family and friends and exercising and volunteering. Am I taking on a lot? Damn skippy! But you only live once!

Birthdays

Argh, so sleep and tired. Are they the same thing? Ugh...no! I so could have taken Ricky's bday off, but unfortunately (a) HE does not have the day off because he is recording on Monday and (b) I am not allowed to take ETO until the 18th (merely one and a half weeks away). Argh!!!!!


Anywhoo...time will pass by soon enough. Lord know I do not have any patience and I need to work on it. Goals have been set aside for the meantime...however I do know this...since Will has moved out my stress levels have been pretty much cut in half (even with Ricky bemoaning the fact that he is turning 30....or as he likes to call it...OLD.) And the house looks immensely better. You can't even imagine the immensely larger area we have in the house. It's less cluttered, which means less areas for scorpions to hide. When I come home, there isn't piles of dishes and trash all over the place. Truly so much better. I still have some uncluttering to do, but this has free'd up my time and made me less stressed.

So onward...this weekend will be insanely busy. But a good busy, I'm trying to embrace my busi-ness. Lord knows, there will be no end to it until the kid is 18. So, small celebration Thursday, cake making and present making on Friday, the whole shebang on Saturday, collapse in a heap on Sunday...oh wait...I mean pick up the kid from grandpa's. Whew!
Should be fun. Hopefully. He better like it...he BETTER.

Back to a normal journal again. Well part venting and part goal setting. I'm all a flumux trying to figure out what to do with my life...and Ricky isn't helping with his constant depression over turning 30. 30?!? Wait until he turns 40 or 50 or any other age older. He'll look back and wish for the good old days. I'm 37 however I refuse to acknowledge it. I try not to think of it when I can. However, my body likes to remind me. I'm much slower to get up anymore and so tired all the time. I'm not as spry as I used to be. Of course, if I would get out an exercise more often, that probably would go away.


Now as for the rest of my life...I'm still highly paranoid and overly judgemental about everything. I don't know why but negative thoughts flow through my head so easily. That and I also just feel guilty for having so much in life. There are mothers and fathers waging and living through wars, poverty, famine and we have everything we could ever want.

I guess when I think about it, I just really need to get off my ass and volunteer. I have my job (knock on wood), I have my family, my friends, my wonderful house, but not volunteering have left a gaping hole that I've been taping a piece of paper over and saying, "I'll get to it."

I can go to a training session tomorrow. I'll make it my goal to look at that and attend tomorrow.

improvement

So time to refocus. I have been thinking rather morosely lately and considering my death. What if it happened in a year? A week? Twenty years? Forty years? What would I want? How would I feel good about who I am and ensure I haven't squandered my time on earth.


Although I love my son and my boyfriend, focusing my entire happiness on them is neither healthy or reasonable. I'm a firm believer in helping others and I think this would be a good point upon which to base my successfulness in life.

Who gives a damn if the house if immaculate and fashionable. Is it clean to the point that no one will get hurt or sick? Then we're good. I could spend that time better by visiting friends and family.

However, just visiting with friends and family and others is not good enough. I need to take it further. I believe by focusing on helping others by making their lives easier, healthier, happier, I can in turn make mine as well.

I'm not talking about pushy, judgemental, "you should do this" improvement. I'm talking make healthy meals that are delicious so Ricky can enjoy food and be healthy improvement. I'm talking spending quality time with my boy learning new exciting things to help him develop improvement. I'm talking create a database at work that helps everyone track and document everything a lot easier improvement. I'm talking going to a care center and help clean up the place so the residents feel comfortable improvement.

So I believe in everything I do, I need to ask: "Am I doing my best to assist and support the person I'm with right now?"

If the words, "Thank you so much, this makes my life so much easier/better." Then I'm not doing my job.

Making Progress?

Well I feel accomplished. Most nights I'm able to finish a few things. I'm putting together Sam's bday, the boys bday, working, taking care of the kid, cleaning the house, losing weight, exercising, eating healthier. I just seriously think life will never slow down anymore. It's just a constant go-go-go. Which can be good, but exhausting sometimes.


So, some updates

- Ricky and I are in a challenge to see who loses 40lbs first. I'm hopin I can buckle down and do this. Some things I need to keep in mind are: I lose weight best when I don't eat late at night and stay away from salty foods, protein keeps me fuller and satisfied longer, as long as I have a health snack with me, I can get through the day. if I keep my points at about 24 per day I think I can lose a lb a day. Need to watch out for things I know can get me...like mexican food (chips) and desserts.

- Work is going well. I just need to keep focused.

- I still need to go through and figure out what would make life easier. Still leaning towards a cleaning service, but Ricky is right...probably won't need one once Will moves out. Still....

Weekly Touchbase

I guess I should give myself credit for the things I AM doing first:




- I am drinking less Diet Coke.

- I am eating MORE fruits and veggies.

- I am MOVING more.

- I am prepping more foods.

- I am using my Franklin at home.

- I am staying on top of cleaning the house.

- I am spending more time with Ricky.

- I am reading more.



Some of the areas I could improve (this week):



- I will give more focus and attention to my relationship. Let Ricky know specifically how I adore him and enjoy being with him.

- I will log everything I eat and drink more water.

- I will organize my projects and devote time to them.

- I will continue to do what I have been doing.



In order to accomplish this, I will update my schedule and I will review it before and after work.

Feeling Active Again

I'm starting to feel accomplished and not to dumb anymore. I'm doing well at work, being productive, following Weight Watchers, losing some weight, sharing some nice time with my boyfriend, spending some nice time with my friends, and of course, feeling busy as heck!

Some things planned for this month:

• Work on credit and bills some more
• Fix the Mini
• Get my sexy self back
• Work on sharing some time with the man
• Start looking around at ways to give back

So how will I do all these?

• Credit: Look at ways to cut back on expenses
• Can Ricky listen to BBC elsewhere?
• Do we really need privacy assist?
• How much is all the web stuff adding up to?
• Make sure all bills are being paid on time (call DT)
• Mini: Call around to mechanics and find a good deal.
• Sexy:
• Purchase some perfume, some nice shampoo and conditioner and nicer clothes
• Stay on WW and lose that weight!
• Keep making meals
• Sharing some time with the man
• Start planning out some dates
• Plan the CA trip in July/August
• Look at ways to give back
• Look on volunteer.org
• Check with food banks

So Much Better

Who knew that a change in job could make such a difference? I've been struggling all this time, thinking I just needed to change my outlook and go figure, it was actually my job. Of course, any new job is going to be less stressful than an old one, but the people are so nice here and I'm back to doing what I love and what I know. Amazing!

And apparently people like me here, so that helps too. Now to just get the rest of my life back in order. My house is a mess right now. My love life is doing a little better. And yes, I believe my relationship is going well, however the man can put a good slant on things even when he's not happy so I will need to keep an eye on it.

Next goal: Lose weight and eat healthy. This is my primary directive for all of us. I know if both of us lost about 20 lbs each, we'd be immensely more happy and much healthier. I just need to figure out some foods that will be worth it to both of us.

Sidenote: As far as finances are concerned, it's getting better. We still have a few left to pay off, but it's not nearly as bad as it was. Speaking of. I think I'll make it my new task on Tuesdays to do finances and go through mail. See if I can chip away at what's left. At least we only have less than a year to pay off that mini! Woohoo!!

Looking Forward!

It's time for some new habits and a new Amy!

I love this new job! I'm ready to lose some weight! And it's time to get my booty back in gear!

One of my goals is to list out 5 things I'm appreciative of every day. So here goes:

1) I love my new job!
2) I love my men. They make me happy.
3) I love gettin back on rack! (Two days straight of losing weight and hoping for a third!)
4) I'm glad I get to spend time with my Dad and his family.
5) I'm happy to have gotten some bills paid off and pay off some more.

So some thing I would like to tackle tomorrow:

1) Bring in lunch and have Ricky fix dinner. Stay on track with my diet!
2) Call DT and arrange whatever I need to arrange.
3) Take Rids in to his swimming lesson!

Avoiding drama

I've been given a choice and so far, I've been angsty about it. I need to calm down, focus and make my decision. Trouble is, I usually decide with the thought in mind, "Will I regret it if I..."

But regardless, my mind just keeps going back to my little man and big man and spending some nice times with him without worrying about money. And I've hated worrying about money. And in all honesty, if I wasn't worried about misleading someone about my intentions salary-wise, I wouldn't stress about this.

I know what I want to do.

I'll have other opportunities. But #1 goal has been paying off debts and I'm going to stay on track.

So tired

...but I need to work past it. 

This has been a large deterrent to most of what I do. Heck I passed out on Ricky last night at like 10 pm. I just kept falling asleep while watching Face Off. Maybe it's my body telling me that I'm not particularly interested in that activity as I seemed to have no issue staying up to watch American Horror. 

Looks like I'll be staying in my current job. I can't say I'm heart broken. We need the money (as has been shown by the $400 car repair we just paid for.)

I did put together a schedule however, as much as I feel I need it, I feel like I don't want to be too structured either. I really think I'll just look into housekeeping services after we get all this debt paid off. That is what bugs me mostly. And what I need help with. If I can just get that under control, I'd feel so much better. 

Ridiculous!

Is everything at the moment! 

I need to find a way to make these reports run faster when the server is slow. I need to figure out what I want in life. And I need to figure out what my goals are. Considering my father, perhaps I should make these 5 year goals. That might be a good idea....

1. Finish my web hosting report, my tab report, and FOS report. 
2. Assist BH with automating. 
3. Talk to Ricky about 5 year plan. 
4. Figure out a way to do shopping and cooking. 

Time to reframe

...and work smarter, not harder. 

So the question is, how could I improve some tasks I have today?

- I need to use my fill table code to run the email stuff. 
- Also need to look at ways to make my split code quicker for past runs

Not much beyond that. Just a simple waiting game. 

I suppose I need to start thinking of ways to beef up my game on 1:1s as well. Perhaps mark a project that can really shine for the week?

Ugh, I'm so out of it. This damn cold/allergies.

How am I going to accomplish everything?

Well...I managed to hold on to my job...for now.

So I guess I need to question if I want to keep it. Hmmm...

Well, I imagine at least for another few months until I can pay our bills off. Anyway, the real question is how to get my life back again. I was posed the question of, "If you could explain 2013 in one word...one word to describe what you want to achieve....what would it be?"

I decided my word would be "Enjoy." I don't enjoy anything like I used to...sleep, showering, exercising, dating, chilling, existing.

I have so many goals but I always fail to make time for those things I just enjoy. Who knew that being a parent would be so overwhelming..anyway...

Things I'd like to figure out how to do...

1. Read a book
2. Exercise
3. Cook
4. Watch a movie without interuption
5. Draw a cartoon
6. Spend some couples time with Ricky

Some New Years Resolutions

1.  Plan out my menu
2. Take Ridley out more often
3. Drink more water
4. Take a statistics class
5. Relax more

I'm gonna go relax now.

So where was I?

Ahhh, starting anew. 

Screw it all. I don't know why I've been so stressed. Worst case, hopefully, I get fired, I take a week off, I get working at a temp agency and I look for a new job. 

I can do this. I'm a mom. I'm hearty and I survive. I've also survived my mom being sick, lived in the desert, been the child of divorce, been unemployed, been broke, supported my husband, supported various friends and family, dealt with my mother's death, my dog's death, my two cats death, my husband going crazy, doing drugs, my heart broken, my heart healed and back labor pain for 32 hours. 

Yeah, I can do this. 

So my next focus is...what do I want to do with my life. I've pretty much hit mid-life crisis. I have all this debt. A wonderful family, but also a grandma who's getting on in age, friends who are experiencing life much more differently than I am, and a boyfriend who is probably going to hit aging crisis soon as well (they hit it much sooner.)

I have life I want to enjoy. I want to exercise again and feel strong. I want to sit and read a book. I want to relax and take in a beautiful day. I want to show Ridley all the wonders in life and earth. I want to build my relationships and have deep, meaningful discussions again. I want to renew my passion in life. 

Of course, all this means getting sleep or at least finding some substitute for it. So many things to ponder, but right now...I have to work.

Sometimes, I wish we had the luxury...

Work has gotten slightly better. My 1:1 on Thursday, while not encouraging was at least not frightening. There are some rules (that I'll cover below) that I learned and need to adhere to. 

However, this morning we had an issue. Ricky needed to get in early, but Patti needed help with the pack n play. Leaving late, he insisted that we drop me off first because, as he said, "we can't afford for YOU to lose your job." It is horrible that the thought of losing my job is somewhat look forward to? I mean, I don't really want to lose it, but my back is in knots from the stress. And I would love to catch up on sleep and spending time with my kid. My entire life, I've always been able to afford to allow my boyfriends the ability to quit their jobs. Ricky has done it at least once, and Rob a bit more frequently. For once, I'd love that luxury. Kick back for a few months while looking around. 

*sigh*

Really, what it comes down to, is I need a vacation. I need to relieve this stress somehow. Of course, once i figure out if I have my job or not. Once, we pay off some bills. Once we get life straightened out, i can do that. But I'm wondering, if that ever really happens? 

Even so, I must remember, that we're still very fortunate. 


Rules of Work

• EVERY email must be treated like it's a final draft and going out to the Executive board
• Make sure everything is labeled in the most sensible way

Oh goodness...

I've put myself in quite a pickle. Well, that's putting it lightly. I've actually been a bit MIA from my journal because I've been completely stressed out. I'm a perfectionist by nature and right now, I'm not. 

I've been placed on warning at my work. 30 days from the day before Thanksgiving. This situation is stressful in it's very nature, but to learn you may get fired the week of Christmas, stresses you out beyond words. 

I should have seen it coming. This job since it's inception, has been muddled. My first interview should have been an indicator. I was pretty much interviewing myself. My "future" boss was fairly uncommunicative throughout the interview. I had to lead it. 

When I started my job, I started with a few low level analysis. I stuck to the formatting structure, talked to my customers, and was fairly happy. Then the entire team quit/transferred and my boss asked for volunteers to take on Domains. No one offered so he volunteered me. I should have known by everyone's lackluster response. I was thrown into the job with only less than 8 hours of training from the previous employee (who was transferred to another department, and I was not allowed to ask her questions after her transfer.) My boss, who had done the job himself, was often too busy or responded that he didn't know where data was in an effort to make me "find it myself." 

After being assigned Domains, I was thrown into Splits. A convoluted process with virtually no training. Immediately I was given a very high priority, high visibility and complicated split...which I promptly messed up. And rather than help me, my boss simply informed me, "When you make mistakes, you make our department look bad. Don't do it again." And continued to have me do the complicated split for another week or so.

After that, I made a couple more mistakes, all this over the span of two years. Through maternity leave, stress, and living within a bubble. However at my year end review I was informed that I received a "Needs Improvement", but that I was already improving and would not have to worry about the "performance improvement plan" HR was making him do. 

Months later, he phoned me and warned me that he was scheduling a meeting that HR had been hounding him about (his words.) And that he was calling to let me know that he was scheduling the meeting so I wouldn't worry. 

So day before Thanksgiving, I arrive at this review with HR (in a conference room located in front of my peers.) At the beginning of the meeting, I'm handed a stapled set of papers that lists everything I did wrong and stated if I didn't improve, I would be fired or placed on extended warning at the end of 30 days (12/21/2012.) The irony of the day was not lost on me. 

So, trying my best, I've developed checklists, checked my data twice before sending out, but my best wasn't good enough. Someone found an error in one of my reports and now I know my days are literally numbered there. My PIP said absolutely no errors for a quarter. I had one. 

So...that takes care of exorcising my demons. Getting it out. Now for the part I need to stay sane. To continue to believe in myself. To continue on and realize, that while I may not have succeeded at this job, I am not a failure. 

• I have do what not many can do. I take tons of metrics and analyze, format, and present them in a matter of hours. And I do this multiple times a day. 
• While I could have communicated more, my training was near to none and expectations were exceptionally high. 
• I learned from my experience and bring that with me. 
• I know how I failed, and I know how to fix it. 
• I know what I don't want to do or where I want to do it. This job from the beginning was an experiment. I wanted to try a highly competitive, newer company to see if I liked it. I don't. Even if I had succeeded at keeping my job, I would have been utterly miserable. And probably would have stayed. 
• I've missed being the main caregiver to my kid. I would love some time at home to help him develop. And explore. And discover. 
• I'm fortunate enough to have a supportive family and friends. 
• Finances are gonna suck, but we'll streamline and do things we didn't do before...like cook. 
• Hopefully, my next job will be less stressful and I can enjoy work again. I've been so stressed, I literally shake physically when going home. 

So now I need to pick myself up, learn from my mistakes, and fix this mess. 

Why am I here?

Such a  big question, that could apply to many different circumstances. However, I'm considering it at my current place of employment. 

This job is certainly taxing. I spent all day tweaking and generating. We spent a whole day trying to identify a way for new and experienced users alike to comprehend our analysis'. All in all, I must say my boss' boss was very kind about the issues that arose from Friday's email. Nothing was wrong, per se. We just have a different audience now. Perhaps I need to research how to speak to a varied audience. Hmmm...

Anyway, through all the tweaking, I think i still not fair too badly. I wasn't hacked to pieces. I wasn't criticized  Unlike my immediate "mentor", this was viewed as an opportunity for improvement for everyone, not a personal criticism. I enjoyed that. It's been awhile since I've been treated as someone who isn't an idiot. 

However, this lead me to think..."What am I doing here?" Most people consider this under the pretense of not being happy and needing to look elsewhere. However for me, it's really a realignment of my priorities and goals. I'm at a perfect place to learn. Yes, maybe the environment is not ideal, however this could be a great challenge and victory if I get my stuff straight. 

We do internal reporting, but almost at a public level. I'm relied upon to pull and analyze large amounts of statistical and marketing data. Yeah, I'm that guy. And it could be very lucrative and fulfilling. But first I need to prioritize and refocus. 

Holy Crap

What a day! What a week! 

We are broke as sin, but paying off our debts.

I struggled like crazy today to get some reports done, annndddd for the most part got them done. Let's see what's left?

• Finish up activation reports
• Help Amanda with her website
• Figure out Ricky and my goals
• Finish laundry
• Clean the house
• Snuggle with my babies
• Find a way to go to Thai on Tuesday. 

Have Fun...

Unsure why this thought hit me this morning. I realized I lost my ability to have fun, no matter what I do. 

What happened to me? I suppose that doesn't matter as much as what is going to happen to me?

I've decided to infuse fun into everything I do. No more moping or bitching or complaining. No more judging or hassling. Just plain old fun. Life is way too short, especially now I'm getting older. Plus I have to set an example for my son and more importantly, my boyfriend. 

So what to do today?

Well it IS Halloween, so I suppose incorporating fun might be a little easier today. 

To Do:
- Intl report
- Conversions
- Laundry
- Have fun with family
- Take tons of pictures
- Stay on track with diet

Priorities Have Changed

Now if only I could remember that...

Yes, I'm trying to be less task oriented and more awesome oriented. Funny, R and I talked the other night and he said his goal for us was pretty much be the best at everything. I wanted to argue that, but honestly that used to be my goal. Nothing like a few stretch goals to get you motivated. 

This weekend was busy but full of good times with friends and family. I must admit ultimately I do enjoy the busy times to the slow ones. 

I suppose I should find some happy medium between tasks and lifestyle. There's just so much to do...

Well shoot, I'm staring to hate schedules and to do lists, Well maybe not so much to do lists. I need to figure out how to keep track of everything without feeling overwhelmed. 

For some reason my body is raving working out. Could be because I'm starting to feel normal again. So some things to take care of tonight:

• Finish laundry
• Clean floors
• Clean up kitchen and living room
• Teach Riddles something new
• Watch Amish and Princes 
• Do Prague stuff (AI schedule, bookings) 

Wait...perhaps I should segment this up into who I'm doing it for. Hmmm...

I know it sounds odd, but I was my most happiest when I was helping others. Perhaps not so weird, it is Ghandi's teaching after all. Must think this through some more. Perhaps tonight. 

Oh Goodness

SO and I had a massive fight and discussion last night. Both of us knew something was wrong but both of us thought we knew how to fix it. Looks like neither one of us knew how. 

So it was a good conversation that lasted until 2 am. Now I'm super exhausted but feeling much better. 

Now on to the hard part, actually making some changes. 

Baby steps, baby steps...

Today I pledge to:

• Get excited about something. 
• Stick to my diet plan (Just need to lose 1 more lb to hit my goal for this week)
• Get interested in my job

I need to stop worrying about mundane stuff like cleaning and laundry. I know I'll do that. And if I just keep to my tasks schedule, I should be okay. Just need to make sure everything is set up. What I really need to focus on is my relationships and my quality of life. Perhaps that's my first big step. Ensuring my goals involve the quality of life and happiness, not my environment around me.

So tired...

of everything really. Work is frustrating. My relationship is frustrating. Everything else is exhausting. 

On the bright side, I came to a couple conclusions:

(a) All this time I've been thinking about hiring cleaning help really matters. I allowed myself to fantasize for a brief moment what life would be like if my bathrooms were clean, my trash emptied, my dishes washed, my floors swept, and my laundry done. Seriously would be so worth it. I can't afford to right now, but I warned SO that in five months, it's as good as done. 

(b) I spend way too much time worrying about food. So crockpotting is the way to go. I can not worry about wasting time buying food and prepping it at night. If I just plop it in the morning, it'll be ready by night no matter what our plans. And it's healthy. So done with trying to scramble around and eat poorly.

(c) I am not failing as a mother. When I came home from NYC it's like my eyes and ears opened. I started noticing that he was using words in association with things. Not sure why, but Rio is associated with 'nuh' and he mimicks barking. He also was able to understand how a sticker works tonight. I do believe he may be at that age where I can reinforce NOT to eat things. 

(d) I seriously need to stay focused at work. Which means no FB, no internet. And yes, my boss is not a very good one. He's friendly and smart, but he does not give his employees the support and recognition they need to flourish. So I need to find other ways to flourish. I've always thrived on recognition and thanks. Not gonna happen here. Perhaps I need to recognize myself? Maybe share wit colleagues? Maybe find an alternative way to feel fulfilled?

(e) My FB mommies really are a great source of encouragement. I've been so zombified these past months. I finally reached out with a real problem and they were great. I need to take time and focus on them too. They really are a great source of advice. 

(f) I do not spend enough time with my friends. I may be older and wiser, but they are living life. I enjoyed spending time with Sabrina this weekend. It was nice to get out and do stuff. However I need to reach out even further. I had fun, but not too much. I need to push my boundaries to feel again. Like I said, I've been zombified and I need to experience feelings and emotions again. 

I'm not gonna push this. I'm going to take my time and refocus on getting better. The only thing I know for sure that I need to do right now is journal and try to figure out what to do by baby steps.

Augh!

Per usual, I have a million things to do before I leave late tomorrow night. R's show is tonight...early. So I'll be watching Riddles and putting him to sleep which means he'll probably wake up again. I need to get tons of laundry done. Clean the house before I leave (okay, that one's not as important.) And a million work projects to get done today. Pack. Look for my big coat. Bleh. 

So, focus for today: Prep for tomorrow. 

Work

• Get 4 tab done
• Get 9.99 done
• Get Short Stack done

Personal

• Laundry
• Find coat
• Deposit $$
• Pack Riddles
• Pack myself

Okay, maybe it's not as much as I thought. I think I'm just overwhelmed with work and personal issues right now. And tired. And ugh...I need to do some yoga or meditation. 

So tired

I really do underutilize my journal. I just noticed I've been keeping this blog for 7 years. Not consistently, but geesh. And some years only have a few posts. I really need to start keeping a traditional diary with what's going on in my life, my fears, my happy times...

I' am truly tired at the moment, but a friend is coming over to have a girl-to-girl talk. So, I'll be up. Waiting...

In the meantime, my father surprised me tonight. Yes, my father who was estranged from me for about 4 years. We made up and he is an amazing grandfather. Even more surprisingly, his wife is an amazing grandmother. I mentioned that our vertical blinds were broken the other day and next thing I know we have new blinds. PLUS he gave me a considerable amount of money to take to NYC with me. My initial reaction? Grateful but now I feel guilty and searching my memory banks for times I said or insinuated I was broke.

(Oops, had to go to talk to my friend.)

Vicious Circle

I have not time to reflect and plan because I'm busy working and cleaning and taking care of my family. But I need to plan in order to properly devote time to all these things including myself. Whew! 

I really need to plan this out. Last night I slacked because I wanted to enjoy time with my men and watch the debate. I ended up falling asleep on the couch again, but I'll forgive myself. 

So now...what I need to do is really take time and reflect on who I want to be, what I want to do, and how to go about it without shorting myself and my family. 

So first things first....accomplish some work. My SO is out tonight doing practice so I can plan my time a bit better. Perhaps the first rule I should make is no tv at home when no one's home?

So...

Work

• Finish ACOS
• Start Conversions
• Start CO

Personal

• Dinner with Fam
• Laundry
• Time with Riddles (no tv)
• Clean the  kitchen/living room
• Clean the bathrooms
• Sit down and establish needs/wants/goals

Ugh, I have so much running through my mind during the day. I really need to organize my thoughts. Such as: 

• Maybe I should designate a certain credit card for gas or even get a prepaid gas card. 
• I need to plan out meals, mostly crockpot, and buy groceries at the beginning of the week
• How much time would that take? i suppose I could do it while SO is playing video games. But how could I keep this up regularly? Our weekends and even weekni...hold it. I know for a fact that he's gonna be out Mon and Wed. So perhaps those are the days I could do my crockpot prep time. Hmmmm....
• I need to plan all meals and make sure he's taking hi medication. 
• I need some diorama or board to keep my goals and dreams in focus every day. I also need this for my schedule. I need like a monitor that's linked to my schedule. lol. 
• How do i ensure that I enjoy and grow in addition to the regular routine I do?

Something has to change

I think perhaps this blog needs to change it's focus. This week has made me realize that what I'm doing may be accomplishing things, but probably not the things I should be accomplishing. 

Okay, so I got some things done at work and at home, but I'm disconnected from everything and tired. Tired and bored. I'm not happy. And neither is Ricky. 

Well happy is somewhat subjective. We're happy, but we're still missing something. Perhaps the better description is we're happier than we've been but not as happy as we could be. 

Why? well boredom, stress, knowing what we used to have. It all seems to have dissipated along with the energy the kid has sapped out of me. Actually, now I reflect, perhaps it's not the kid. Perhaps its my job. There is very little at my job that I actually enjoy and nothing I look forward to. The last time I actually enjoyed my job, I was working on making the split tests more friendly. But that was a short-lived moment. 

Now I'm sitting at work, bored and fearful. Yesterday I had a large report not unlike the one I fucked up before and thus between my boredom and my fear, I didn't give it my 100%. I got it right, just not great plus I missed something. So the big questions are...

• What would it take for me to get excited about work again? 
• What would it take for me to get excited at home?
• What's truly important in my life? Is there other ways to accomplish the things I'm worried about but that aren't as important?
• How am I limiting myself by making excuses that my baby needs me? What would I do if I didn't have to watch Riddles? 

Man, I wish I could just fix this in a matter of seconds. But it's gonna take time to figure this one out. 

Working on it

Okay chipping slowly away at stuff that needed to be done. Need to kick butt some more today...

Personal

• Do things I like to do (I swear I only do things I feel I have to do anymore, time to have more fun)
• Stick to points, drink green tea, focus on veggies and protein
• Development stuff with Riddles-man
• Fun time with Ricky
• Pay bills
• Talk to Sabrina

Work

• Check monthly (-10)
• Finish 999 (10-2)
• Finish ACOS (10-2)
• Finish auctions (2-2:30)
• Finish conversions (2:30-4:30)

Taking a different approach

Ugh! I fell asleep early again! What is wrong with me?!?!

Bry came over at around 8:30 and I promptly fell asleep on the couch. I'm drinking more green tea, eating healthier, but for the love of JC I can not stay awake past 9 pm. I guess I need to just reset some bad habits. 

Okay...so....

Personal

• Keep losing weight. Drink green tea. Eat proteins and veggies. Don't go over points. Lose over .5 lb today.
• Stay awake...past 10 pm.
• Try orajel on Riddles to see if he sleeps through the night again. 
• Work on Prague stuff
• Clean the house

Work

• Finish 9.99
• Finish ACOS
• Provide auctions
• Work on conversions (finish tomorrow)
• Work on CO (finish tomorrow)

Refocus

So, no working this weekend. I was down with a cold, and decided it would be in my best interest to somewhat rest and relax then work myself into an even sicker frenzy. SO, now I'm playing catch-up at work today. My heart really isn't in it, so i need to motivate myself. Although Riddles slept through the night, I'm still fairly tired. But I will need to wake up, get better, and get motivated. I want to do better at my job. I need to pick up the pace and start impressing myself again. 

Goals for Today

Personal

• Build a schedule that includes Riddles development, exercise, and cleaning. 
• Focus on proteins and veggies/fruits. Drink green tea. Find a way to get moving. 
• Spend time with family.

Professional

• Build 'Learn EDW' into schedule
• NET Report
• 9.99 Analysis
• XXX Renewal Rates
• CO Research
• ACOS Report

Whew!

Between the cold, the baby, the lack of sleep, and massive amounts of work, I'm still able to pull this off. Booyah!! 

Anyway, plan of attack today includes a lot. I have a Prague meeting, a vacation to schedule, cleaning house, and lots of work to work on. I can do this...

Personal

• Stay within points, drink green tea, take care of myself
• Clean house and play with Riddles when I get home
• Book NYC
• Burn Heathers dvd
• Clean outside

Business

• Accordian (DONE)
• Monthly Exec (DONE)
• ACOS (11-12)
• Auto Act Ph 4 (DONE)
• Hosting LP (DONE)
• 9.99 (moved to Monday)
• Conversions
• XXX
• CO

Goals for Today

Okay, yesterday was a little slow going...however I did lose weight, I cleaned the house, I played with Riddles, and I made 'some' headway at work. 

I guess I should probably add more than just my to do list. I'm doing fairly well. Not as scattered. A bit more accomplished. However, I have a cold today. No bueno. And I already pigged out on Starbucks. So...soup today. Maybe. Chili? Anyway, I will get some things accomplished today. I will prove everyone wrong. I will work my heiny off. And I will enjoy my family tonight. 

Onto today...

Personal:

• Stick to points 
• Drink green tea
• Finish laundry
• Play with Riddles, spend time with Ricky

Work

• Info (10-11)
• ACOS (11-12)
• Conversions (12-2)
• XXX (2-3)
• CO (3-4)

Insanely Busy Cont'd

Life is crazy insane right now, I was pretty much in tears last night over everything. 

Personal: 

• Stick to pts for the day, drink green tea
• Clean floors, clean fridge, do dishes, finish laundry
• Work on pointing and naming things with Riddles

Work

• Finish Bulk (10-11)
• Domains Accordian (10-11)
• ACOS (11-1)
• Conversions (1-3)
• XXX (3-4:30)
• Fit in auctions
• CO Research (8-10)

Another Insane Day

I'm exhausted and stressed. Need to work on that...

Personal

• Destress. Drink green tea. Stay in points. 
• Find a way to get Riddles to sleep through the night.
• Clean floors, do dishes, finish laundry, take out trash. 

Work

• Finish bulk analysis (9:30-11:30)
• Rerun express (11:30-1:30)
• Finish conversion and CO already (1:30-4:30)

Busy day

Just me and the boss (somewhat) today. So I really need to organize. Plus I gained weight this week, so back on track!

Personal:

• Track points. Don't go over. Drink green tea and water only. 
• Clean the house, especially floors and dust.
• Find a way to go to NYC. 

Work

• India (Noon - 12:30)
• Mobile (12:30 - 1:00)
• Express (1-2)
• Bulk (2-4)
• New conversions (7-10)

How did this day get so busy?

So a little planning for today and for tomorrow:

Work
- Send out tld report
- Create basket report
- Finish conv report (so important!)
- Start work on weekly info

Personal
- Stay under 28 pts for the day
- Keep drinking green tea
- Keep moving (finish laundry, clean sheets, clean floors, clean fridge - est 1.5 hours)
- Print family calendar

Focus

I have a buttload to do today because we are down from a 7 person team but now we're 3 (two out on maternity leave, one moved to another team and another decided to take time off for her accounting exam)

Nice.

Anyway, I have 7 things on my work to do, a million thing on my personal, and originally had four important things to make my day successful. So...what would make THIS day a success?

Work
- Run my split
- Finish KGs task
- Provide LM what she asked for
- Finish NN's request to get it out of the way
Personal
- Mail off the cd and shirt (15 min)
- Call GE
- Finish laundry and reorg our bedroom (1 hour)
- Clean living room, kitchen and complete dishes (30 min)
- Print family calendar
- Update Riddles' blog
- Stick to eating plan for the day

Incredibly Bored

It's one of those days where I'm just struggling to stay awake. I've already ate my points for the day and I still have a million things to do. I just need to focus. 

Things to accomplish today:
- Stay awake. No joke. 
- Make some headway with the Conv report for NN. 
- Finish driving school.
- Laundry, clean bedroom, master bathroom. 
- Do Prague stuff (business cards, bookings, promotion)

I think that should be enough. Maybe look up some stuff regarding Riddles, but I'll be good if I can just finish the above. One more day til Ricky gets paid, but we're broke this paycheck. Argh! Need to focus on ways to still enjoy our weekends and budget. So add that to the list. 

- Work on budget for happiness (Prague show, Brit's Bday, Faith visit, Debates on Oct 2)

Focus, Focus

Got a lot going on with work, Prague, and home life. 

Little man went down like a champ last night, however woke up at Midnight and 5 am. Little turd. So tonight might be a little difficult. I think lack of sleep is what's making sleep so difficult for him. Maybe I should give him a bigger blankie? 

Goals for today:

• Work 8-5
• A1 priority: Finish CO for M
• Finish NET report for S
• Get at least halfway done with Conversions
• Personal
• Make dinner before Ricky leaves 
• Spend quality time with LO, teach him one new thing and brush his teeth
• Finish laundry
• Prague
• Create and order business cards
• Put together confirmation and schedule for future shows
• Put together goal plan for Prague

When did I turn into a complaining, lazy bitch?

I admit it. I don't really like who I am at the moment. I used to be this person that was full of love, forgiveness, and mutual respect, but at some point I turned into this sarcastic, whiny little bitch that had a critism for everyone and everything. What happened?

So I need to set goals to turn things around. I already tried to start working on this, but I still need to work harder at reframing. I need to get better for myself. And I need to get better for my son. 

As a side, excellent article http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/30-things-you-should-do-right-now/

Anyway, goals for today:

• Be aware and there. I'm always focused on my own thoughts. I need to listen and reflect. 
• Be empathetic, no matter who the audience. I need to respect everyone and listen with some empathy. I may not always agree with someone, but I don't need to be disrepectful about it. Plus, it's they're own life to live. I need to focus on my own. 
• Get my splits done today. As well as my online report and my research. (Stretch goal for sure.)
• Make dinner and enjoy the night with my family. 
• Do a day review with Ricky each day. 

Interesting Day Today

I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I stayed home with the intention of working from home. Unfortunately Anon put a bit of a kabosh on that. So...

What's left for today at 2 pm:

• Afternoon though 4 pm
• Splits
• Traffic
• 4 -7: Take care of little man
• 7-8: Clean bedroom, kitchen, and living room, start laundry
• 8-9: Prague stuff (business cards, update FB, move video on YouTube)
• 9: Move laundry and sleep