Oh Goodness

SO and I had a massive fight and discussion last night. Both of us knew something was wrong but both of us thought we knew how to fix it. Looks like neither one of us knew how. 

So it was a good conversation that lasted until 2 am. Now I'm super exhausted but feeling much better. 

Now on to the hard part, actually making some changes. 

Baby steps, baby steps...

Today I pledge to:

• Get excited about something. 
• Stick to my diet plan (Just need to lose 1 more lb to hit my goal for this week)
• Get interested in my job

I need to stop worrying about mundane stuff like cleaning and laundry. I know I'll do that. And if I just keep to my tasks schedule, I should be okay. Just need to make sure everything is set up. What I really need to focus on is my relationships and my quality of life. Perhaps that's my first big step. Ensuring my goals involve the quality of life and happiness, not my environment around me.

So tired...

of everything really. Work is frustrating. My relationship is frustrating. Everything else is exhausting. 

On the bright side, I came to a couple conclusions:

(a) All this time I've been thinking about hiring cleaning help really matters. I allowed myself to fantasize for a brief moment what life would be like if my bathrooms were clean, my trash emptied, my dishes washed, my floors swept, and my laundry done. Seriously would be so worth it. I can't afford to right now, but I warned SO that in five months, it's as good as done. 

(b) I spend way too much time worrying about food. So crockpotting is the way to go. I can not worry about wasting time buying food and prepping it at night. If I just plop it in the morning, it'll be ready by night no matter what our plans. And it's healthy. So done with trying to scramble around and eat poorly.

(c) I am not failing as a mother. When I came home from NYC it's like my eyes and ears opened. I started noticing that he was using words in association with things. Not sure why, but Rio is associated with 'nuh' and he mimicks barking. He also was able to understand how a sticker works tonight. I do believe he may be at that age where I can reinforce NOT to eat things. 

(d) I seriously need to stay focused at work. Which means no FB, no internet. And yes, my boss is not a very good one. He's friendly and smart, but he does not give his employees the support and recognition they need to flourish. So I need to find other ways to flourish. I've always thrived on recognition and thanks. Not gonna happen here. Perhaps I need to recognize myself? Maybe share wit colleagues? Maybe find an alternative way to feel fulfilled?

(e) My FB mommies really are a great source of encouragement. I've been so zombified these past months. I finally reached out with a real problem and they were great. I need to take time and focus on them too. They really are a great source of advice. 

(f) I do not spend enough time with my friends. I may be older and wiser, but they are living life. I enjoyed spending time with Sabrina this weekend. It was nice to get out and do stuff. However I need to reach out even further. I had fun, but not too much. I need to push my boundaries to feel again. Like I said, I've been zombified and I need to experience feelings and emotions again. 

I'm not gonna push this. I'm going to take my time and refocus on getting better. The only thing I know for sure that I need to do right now is journal and try to figure out what to do by baby steps.

Augh!

Per usual, I have a million things to do before I leave late tomorrow night. R's show is tonight...early. So I'll be watching Riddles and putting him to sleep which means he'll probably wake up again. I need to get tons of laundry done. Clean the house before I leave (okay, that one's not as important.) And a million work projects to get done today. Pack. Look for my big coat. Bleh. 

So, focus for today: Prep for tomorrow. 

Work

• Get 4 tab done
• Get 9.99 done
• Get Short Stack done

Personal

• Laundry
• Find coat
• Deposit $$
• Pack Riddles
• Pack myself

Okay, maybe it's not as much as I thought. I think I'm just overwhelmed with work and personal issues right now. And tired. And ugh...I need to do some yoga or meditation. 

So tired

I really do underutilize my journal. I just noticed I've been keeping this blog for 7 years. Not consistently, but geesh. And some years only have a few posts. I really need to start keeping a traditional diary with what's going on in my life, my fears, my happy times...

I' am truly tired at the moment, but a friend is coming over to have a girl-to-girl talk. So, I'll be up. Waiting...

In the meantime, my father surprised me tonight. Yes, my father who was estranged from me for about 4 years. We made up and he is an amazing grandfather. Even more surprisingly, his wife is an amazing grandmother. I mentioned that our vertical blinds were broken the other day and next thing I know we have new blinds. PLUS he gave me a considerable amount of money to take to NYC with me. My initial reaction? Grateful but now I feel guilty and searching my memory banks for times I said or insinuated I was broke.

(Oops, had to go to talk to my friend.)

Vicious Circle

I have not time to reflect and plan because I'm busy working and cleaning and taking care of my family. But I need to plan in order to properly devote time to all these things including myself. Whew! 

I really need to plan this out. Last night I slacked because I wanted to enjoy time with my men and watch the debate. I ended up falling asleep on the couch again, but I'll forgive myself. 

So now...what I need to do is really take time and reflect on who I want to be, what I want to do, and how to go about it without shorting myself and my family. 

So first things first....accomplish some work. My SO is out tonight doing practice so I can plan my time a bit better. Perhaps the first rule I should make is no tv at home when no one's home?

So...

Work

• Finish ACOS
• Start Conversions
• Start CO

Personal

• Dinner with Fam
• Laundry
• Time with Riddles (no tv)
• Clean the  kitchen/living room
• Clean the bathrooms
• Sit down and establish needs/wants/goals

Ugh, I have so much running through my mind during the day. I really need to organize my thoughts. Such as: 

• Maybe I should designate a certain credit card for gas or even get a prepaid gas card. 
• I need to plan out meals, mostly crockpot, and buy groceries at the beginning of the week
• How much time would that take? i suppose I could do it while SO is playing video games. But how could I keep this up regularly? Our weekends and even weekni...hold it. I know for a fact that he's gonna be out Mon and Wed. So perhaps those are the days I could do my crockpot prep time. Hmmmm....
• I need to plan all meals and make sure he's taking hi medication. 
• I need some diorama or board to keep my goals and dreams in focus every day. I also need this for my schedule. I need like a monitor that's linked to my schedule. lol. 
• How do i ensure that I enjoy and grow in addition to the regular routine I do?

Something has to change

I think perhaps this blog needs to change it's focus. This week has made me realize that what I'm doing may be accomplishing things, but probably not the things I should be accomplishing. 

Okay, so I got some things done at work and at home, but I'm disconnected from everything and tired. Tired and bored. I'm not happy. And neither is Ricky. 

Well happy is somewhat subjective. We're happy, but we're still missing something. Perhaps the better description is we're happier than we've been but not as happy as we could be. 

Why? well boredom, stress, knowing what we used to have. It all seems to have dissipated along with the energy the kid has sapped out of me. Actually, now I reflect, perhaps it's not the kid. Perhaps its my job. There is very little at my job that I actually enjoy and nothing I look forward to. The last time I actually enjoyed my job, I was working on making the split tests more friendly. But that was a short-lived moment. 

Now I'm sitting at work, bored and fearful. Yesterday I had a large report not unlike the one I fucked up before and thus between my boredom and my fear, I didn't give it my 100%. I got it right, just not great plus I missed something. So the big questions are...

• What would it take for me to get excited about work again? 
• What would it take for me to get excited at home?
• What's truly important in my life? Is there other ways to accomplish the things I'm worried about but that aren't as important?
• How am I limiting myself by making excuses that my baby needs me? What would I do if I didn't have to watch Riddles? 

Man, I wish I could just fix this in a matter of seconds. But it's gonna take time to figure this one out. 

Working on it

Okay chipping slowly away at stuff that needed to be done. Need to kick butt some more today...

Personal

• Do things I like to do (I swear I only do things I feel I have to do anymore, time to have more fun)
• Stick to points, drink green tea, focus on veggies and protein
• Development stuff with Riddles-man
• Fun time with Ricky
• Pay bills
• Talk to Sabrina

Work

• Check monthly (-10)
• Finish 999 (10-2)
• Finish ACOS (10-2)
• Finish auctions (2-2:30)
• Finish conversions (2:30-4:30)

Taking a different approach

Ugh! I fell asleep early again! What is wrong with me?!?!

Bry came over at around 8:30 and I promptly fell asleep on the couch. I'm drinking more green tea, eating healthier, but for the love of JC I can not stay awake past 9 pm. I guess I need to just reset some bad habits. 

Okay...so....

Personal

• Keep losing weight. Drink green tea. Eat proteins and veggies. Don't go over points. Lose over .5 lb today.
• Stay awake...past 10 pm.
• Try orajel on Riddles to see if he sleeps through the night again. 
• Work on Prague stuff
• Clean the house

Work

• Finish 9.99
• Finish ACOS
• Provide auctions
• Work on conversions (finish tomorrow)
• Work on CO (finish tomorrow)

Refocus

So, no working this weekend. I was down with a cold, and decided it would be in my best interest to somewhat rest and relax then work myself into an even sicker frenzy. SO, now I'm playing catch-up at work today. My heart really isn't in it, so i need to motivate myself. Although Riddles slept through the night, I'm still fairly tired. But I will need to wake up, get better, and get motivated. I want to do better at my job. I need to pick up the pace and start impressing myself again. 

Goals for Today

Personal

• Build a schedule that includes Riddles development, exercise, and cleaning. 
• Focus on proteins and veggies/fruits. Drink green tea. Find a way to get moving. 
• Spend time with family.

Professional

• Build 'Learn EDW' into schedule
• NET Report
• 9.99 Analysis
• XXX Renewal Rates
• CO Research
• ACOS Report

Whew!

Between the cold, the baby, the lack of sleep, and massive amounts of work, I'm still able to pull this off. Booyah!! 

Anyway, plan of attack today includes a lot. I have a Prague meeting, a vacation to schedule, cleaning house, and lots of work to work on. I can do this...

Personal

• Stay within points, drink green tea, take care of myself
• Clean house and play with Riddles when I get home
• Book NYC
• Burn Heathers dvd
• Clean outside

Business

• Accordian (DONE)
• Monthly Exec (DONE)
• ACOS (11-12)
• Auto Act Ph 4 (DONE)
• Hosting LP (DONE)
• 9.99 (moved to Monday)
• Conversions
• XXX
• CO

Goals for Today

Okay, yesterday was a little slow going...however I did lose weight, I cleaned the house, I played with Riddles, and I made 'some' headway at work. 

I guess I should probably add more than just my to do list. I'm doing fairly well. Not as scattered. A bit more accomplished. However, I have a cold today. No bueno. And I already pigged out on Starbucks. So...soup today. Maybe. Chili? Anyway, I will get some things accomplished today. I will prove everyone wrong. I will work my heiny off. And I will enjoy my family tonight. 

Onto today...

Personal:

• Stick to points 
• Drink green tea
• Finish laundry
• Play with Riddles, spend time with Ricky

Work

• Info (10-11)
• ACOS (11-12)
• Conversions (12-2)
• XXX (2-3)
• CO (3-4)

Insanely Busy Cont'd

Life is crazy insane right now, I was pretty much in tears last night over everything. 

Personal: 

• Stick to pts for the day, drink green tea
• Clean floors, clean fridge, do dishes, finish laundry
• Work on pointing and naming things with Riddles

Work

• Finish Bulk (10-11)
• Domains Accordian (10-11)
• ACOS (11-1)
• Conversions (1-3)
• XXX (3-4:30)
• Fit in auctions
• CO Research (8-10)

Another Insane Day

I'm exhausted and stressed. Need to work on that...

Personal

• Destress. Drink green tea. Stay in points. 
• Find a way to get Riddles to sleep through the night.
• Clean floors, do dishes, finish laundry, take out trash. 

Work

• Finish bulk analysis (9:30-11:30)
• Rerun express (11:30-1:30)
• Finish conversion and CO already (1:30-4:30)

Busy day

Just me and the boss (somewhat) today. So I really need to organize. Plus I gained weight this week, so back on track!

Personal:

• Track points. Don't go over. Drink green tea and water only. 
• Clean the house, especially floors and dust.
• Find a way to go to NYC. 

Work

• India (Noon - 12:30)
• Mobile (12:30 - 1:00)
• Express (1-2)
• Bulk (2-4)
• New conversions (7-10)

How did this day get so busy?

So a little planning for today and for tomorrow:

Work
- Send out tld report
- Create basket report
- Finish conv report (so important!)
- Start work on weekly info

Personal
- Stay under 28 pts for the day
- Keep drinking green tea
- Keep moving (finish laundry, clean sheets, clean floors, clean fridge - est 1.5 hours)
- Print family calendar

Focus

I have a buttload to do today because we are down from a 7 person team but now we're 3 (two out on maternity leave, one moved to another team and another decided to take time off for her accounting exam)

Nice.

Anyway, I have 7 things on my work to do, a million thing on my personal, and originally had four important things to make my day successful. So...what would make THIS day a success?

Work
- Run my split
- Finish KGs task
- Provide LM what she asked for
- Finish NN's request to get it out of the way
Personal
- Mail off the cd and shirt (15 min)
- Call GE
- Finish laundry and reorg our bedroom (1 hour)
- Clean living room, kitchen and complete dishes (30 min)
- Print family calendar
- Update Riddles' blog
- Stick to eating plan for the day

Incredibly Bored

It's one of those days where I'm just struggling to stay awake. I've already ate my points for the day and I still have a million things to do. I just need to focus. 

Things to accomplish today:
- Stay awake. No joke. 
- Make some headway with the Conv report for NN. 
- Finish driving school.
- Laundry, clean bedroom, master bathroom. 
- Do Prague stuff (business cards, bookings, promotion)

I think that should be enough. Maybe look up some stuff regarding Riddles, but I'll be good if I can just finish the above. One more day til Ricky gets paid, but we're broke this paycheck. Argh! Need to focus on ways to still enjoy our weekends and budget. So add that to the list. 

- Work on budget for happiness (Prague show, Brit's Bday, Faith visit, Debates on Oct 2)

Focus, Focus

Got a lot going on with work, Prague, and home life. 

Little man went down like a champ last night, however woke up at Midnight and 5 am. Little turd. So tonight might be a little difficult. I think lack of sleep is what's making sleep so difficult for him. Maybe I should give him a bigger blankie? 

Goals for today:

• Work 8-5
• A1 priority: Finish CO for M
• Finish NET report for S
• Get at least halfway done with Conversions
• Personal
• Make dinner before Ricky leaves 
• Spend quality time with LO, teach him one new thing and brush his teeth
• Finish laundry
• Prague
• Create and order business cards
• Put together confirmation and schedule for future shows
• Put together goal plan for Prague

When did I turn into a complaining, lazy bitch?

I admit it. I don't really like who I am at the moment. I used to be this person that was full of love, forgiveness, and mutual respect, but at some point I turned into this sarcastic, whiny little bitch that had a critism for everyone and everything. What happened?

So I need to set goals to turn things around. I already tried to start working on this, but I still need to work harder at reframing. I need to get better for myself. And I need to get better for my son. 

As a side, excellent article http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/30-things-you-should-do-right-now/

Anyway, goals for today:

• Be aware and there. I'm always focused on my own thoughts. I need to listen and reflect. 
• Be empathetic, no matter who the audience. I need to respect everyone and listen with some empathy. I may not always agree with someone, but I don't need to be disrepectful about it. Plus, it's they're own life to live. I need to focus on my own. 
• Get my splits done today. As well as my online report and my research. (Stretch goal for sure.)
• Make dinner and enjoy the night with my family. 
• Do a day review with Ricky each day. 

Interesting Day Today

I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I stayed home with the intention of working from home. Unfortunately Anon put a bit of a kabosh on that. So...

What's left for today at 2 pm:

• Afternoon though 4 pm
• Splits
• Traffic
• 4 -7: Take care of little man
• 7-8: Clean bedroom, kitchen, and living room, start laundry
• 8-9: Prague stuff (business cards, update FB, move video on YouTube)
• 9: Move laundry and sleep