Niles is...#2

Niles is....Dr. Brown

I'm back...kinda.

Life has been a little rough. Hopefully getting better. Will share more later. Til then...

Frequently, the roommates dog is going through stages of grooming. From short fur to long curly fro fur. During these stages, he looks like someone or something else. Today, he is Kenny Rogers. Well, not Kenny Rogers exactly as the guy who portrays Kenny Rogers on MadTV. So, in the spirit of blogging nonsense, I will be posting pics of Niles is...

Welcome to our first installation.

Niles is a Kenny Rogers impersonator....

Dear Diary,

I know I've ignored you. I just haven't had time, like most things. I don't know what to say. Life has been filled with Toastmasters and work. There has been no time to pause.

When I do get a few moments to stop and look around, I'm lost. I just don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel. Many things have happened, but...I'm constantly trying to get a grip on who I am, what I want out of life.

I suppose things have gotten better. I don't feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster anymore, but I suppose it's time to really sit down and figure out what I want to do and who I want to be. Did I say that already?

Okay, maybe it wasn't the best of ideas to write my blog while listening to music. Especially new music. Try Bullets by Tunng. Awesome song!

Oh yeah...I just celebrated my 33rd birthday. Thank God, 32 is over with!!!! And with it came a nice birthday party, great friends wishing me well, and a host of new songs on my iTunes. Mostly Fred Astaire, Frank Sinatra, and Dean Martin. I'm in an oldies mood. Not sure why. But I have noticed music makes me happy again. Perhaps there's hope for me yet.

Yeah, it's been awhile...

I'm going to have to blame work on this one. See, of the many perks of now being with a larger corporate company, I get the chance to be blocked from every fun site in existence...well, except for YouTube in which apparently I can still watch skits with profanity and sex scenes because the filter can't tell if it's named Stick It To Her. (And for you google-curious, no that's not really a YouTube video...that I know of)

Anyway, life has been fairly busy. I nearly went out of my mind, until some people decided to help out and get me some help. While professional help would have been warranted, instead they found me a few people to help out with web stuff. So now instead of a bill-yun things to do, I now only have a million. Now I can go bald at a slower rate.

I've been horribly frustrated and a bit depressed lately. Life has just been one glob of one work issue to the next. I go from staring at a computer screen at work, to staring at an iphone screen (to check for emails), to staring at a screen at home to do work and TM (Toastmasters.) I wake up alone and I go to bed alone. And to top it off, the one person who thought I was the best person ever, is now gone.

I know...I still have my friends. And while although awesome friends they are, they can't replace the adoration of a mother and the comfort of a significant other.

I'm fairing a bit better these days. I sit here right now, not in tears although I'm tired and it's close to going to bed, listening to an artist's concert who I'll be attending with a good friend. I'm working, but not stressing. And while it would be nice to have another warm body in bed with me, the teddy bear will do for now.

I know life isn't all that bad. I have my friends, I have my job, I have my grandma, I have my car, and not to mention this luscious ass of mine. Kidding. Or am I?

It's just hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I've never been single or alone really before. I'm been alone with someone, but never by myself before. And while it has been two years, it's been a very...full...two years. I'm just now starting to cut the apron strings to my two best friends, however still trying to figure out how to retain my independence without being a loner.

I'm more awkward than ever socially right now. I feel like I've retreated back into my shell a little. Not as sure of myself as I used to. I just need a project or an accomplishment though and I'm sure I'll feel stronger again.

I really needed that...

It's been a rough time.

I've been overloaded with work and Toastmaster's stuff. I mean, we're talking almost mental breakdown overloaded.

Because my workload has been so full and I haven't been able to accomplish much, I've been feeling a bit like a failure. A failure to myself, a letdown to others. I hate feeling this way.

Only in the past couple of days, has this started to alleviate. I caught up at work...somewhat. I had a good discussion with my boss. I took my time going home today, and figured out my mess of finances.

As I was sitting, trying to make some progress with Toastmasters stuff, I get a text message. It's from my brother.

Long back story...when my mother adopted my brother (along with an unwilling stepfather), he came from a very rough life already. Top that with an uncaring adoptive father and a sick mother...well, he's had a rough time. Immediately after they adopted him, my family moved to Maryland. I didn't speak to him for years. I knew how rough it was, but there was nothing I could do miles away.

When my mother divorced my step-father, she took my brother with her, but they moved in with my grandmother and discipline became top priority to both of them. I felt bad for the poor guy. He's always been a good kid in bad circumstances. Between my mother's helplessness, my grandmother's frustrations and some very bad peer influences; he had it very difficult. However, at this point I was dealing with a rough marriage and no matter what words of advice I gave the matriarchs of my family, they insisted on ruling with an iron fist.

When he moved in with my aunt, she was almost the complete opposite. He continued to get into trouble, yet displayed great talent musically. He showed his intelligence and caring only to those few who showed no judgment and kept mostly to himself.

Eventually he moved out on his own. I breathed a small sigh of relief hoping that on his own, he would feel a bit of freedom and finally be able to take responsibility for his own actions. Yet, I always felt immense guilt not taking a larger role in my brother's life. I was assigned the role of older sister and therefore guardian, and failed miserably.

Before my mother went into the hospital, we exchanged phone numbers and from time to time, I would receive a funny text message or two. When she went into the hospital, I was the one to call him. And to my surprise, it was in me he confided his guilt over not crying over my mother's death.

Since that day, he still text messages me questions and just quick hello's to let me know he's alright, but tonight...

Tonight, I received a question about relationships and finances. I gave my honest opinion and tried to stay respectful to his relationship. Towards the end, it went like this...

My brother: "Thanx! Ur good at givin advice!"

Me: "No problem. I'm flattered you'd ask"

My brother: "Well I trust u and uv never let me down!"

Enter one very stunned Onyx.

Of all the things anyone has said. Of all the things he could have said.

...

I guess it's time to blog again

I had almost considered writing this in my personal blog. Some things, as a friend recently said in a blog entry of hers, you're just not ready to share with the world. Being aware that certain people read your blog sometimes entices you to restrict what you're saying, but that would go against the very principle of what I believe...that in sharing our deepest and scariest fears we deny others the ability to share and know they're not alone in what they feel.

I'm at a point in my life where honestly I have everything. A good job, a nice car, a new house, (an old house), good friends, two loving cats, and even an internet connection and an iPhone. Yet, damn you Disney, I still feel like something's missing.

Why Disney?

Well, because when I was a little girl...heck even two days ago...I watched movies about true love and happily ever after. I thought I had it once only to find out that my Prince Charming was a frog. He was a good person, but ours was not a happy existence.

Now...I find myself yearning again for that feeling of being a couple. Falling asleep in someone's arms, feeling safe and being watched after, sharing intimate moments and even bad ones.

Ever feel like maybe you hit a quota? A limit? Like there's no chance it's going to happen again because...well, just because?

My mother and grandmother both ended up single. I wonder what they feel? Felt, in my mom's case. Does my grandmother after all these years still yearn for that feeling of couple-dom anymore? Or is she stronger than me?

Our brain is a wonderful invention, yet causes us so much harm. There's no reason why I should imagine what it's like. Why do I ponder late at night what it would be like to have someone to hold me in my bed? A nice chest to rest my head on, a loving hand caressing my hair and soothing away my worries.

I'm a successful adult woman. So why do I still have the dreams from my childhood playing through my mind?

What Happens After This?

I'm at our new house right now. Everything is empty except for a few pieces that I've moved. I'm waiting on the gas guy right now to finish. I can hear clinking from the garage. I'm perched on the steps, typing away, working. I'm wearing my white business shirt with jeans and bare feeties. And oddly enough...I feel like I'm in a scene from a movie. You know the scene. Where the career woman is moving into her new place. But, this place isn't mine solely. Just weird. Sometimes I catch myself in a moment and think to myself, "when did I get to be so fortunate (and unfortunate at times) to be that woman in the movie I wanted to grow up to be? And why doesn't it seem as great as it looked on the screen?"

Atom-smasher inspires fear

Scientists say a huge new device won't suck the Earth into a black hole.

Best...headline....ever....

Okay, but seriously, did they have to start this colossal machine right around my birthday? Wait...is it before November 10th?

Okay, I don't see the date, but let's put it this way...if it happens after Nov 10th, we're good. If it happens BEFORE Nov 10th, we're screwed. Why? Because the world and the universe rotate around me.

Well, that's the short story. The long version is that I recently came to a profound realization. It starts with my father. When he began racing, he chose the number 32. My whole life, this has been my father's lucky number. When I had a falling out with my father, I started to cringe whenever this number would come up.

32 on the lotto ticket? Nope, not winning.

32 for a player? Of course he missed the possible winning shot.

So for a few years now, I repeatedly joked that I dreaded turning 32.

It wasn't until about a few weeks ago that the importance of this joke hit home.

Of all the years that my mother was sick. Through everything she'd gone through. It took us all by surprise. And then I realized, on the year (exactly midway) of me being 32...my mother passed away.

Not only that, but I am in a completely different life than I was at 31 or all other prior years in my life.

So based on the assumption that my 32nd year on this planet will end with a bang, we're all royally screwed if they pull that lever prior to me turning 33.

Cross your fingies that they schedule it for November 11.

Staring at the screen...

Every week and a half or so, I receive this...request. I don't generate data, or answer questions, or do data analysis with this request. I simply reformat an excel spreadsheet. When I first received this request, the words that ran through my mind were: "You've gotta be fucking kidding me?!"

I don't mind doing a little grunt work now and again, but this reoccurring nightmare is all because no one in the upper echelons of our company knows how to do basic math in Excel. (Really, people?)

I thought this report was a nightmare until it got handed off to a new person. All of a sudden totals couldn't match because data was missing, formats were screwed with, and what came regularly every Thursday was now apparently on a schedule of "whenever I feel like harassing you with a ridiculous request because I know you have better things to do."

So here I sit, staring at...no....glaring at the screen. Cursing this damn thing once again because I have to change what's supposed to be a date from a time to a date, changing the one odd date in the range, and making 50 pt font into something normal.

To top it off, I was working until 11 p.m. last night and started working from home at 5 a.m. I'm at work now, but it's starting to hit me. From here I have to assist R with facilities set up for Toastmasters training and then facilitate a class.

I was fortunate enough to have someone volunteer to fill in my co-facilitator role at the last minute. They asked what they could help with. I didn't know specifically when they asked, but now I know...

poke me when I fall asleep.

I've had it!

I think I've been sick for an entire month. A month. With only maybe a day or so of feeling normal.

Today I've been wracked with stomach pain. I don't know what I ate, or did. But I'm tired of this.

So, I don't know if it's going to help, but it's time to make some health resolutions:

#1. Stop smoking.

You have no idea how hard this is. To quit smoking is the hardest thing ever, but...whenever I smoke I feel like crap. Whenever I don't smoke, I feel like crap. And I have the feeling theat if I stopped smoking, I would feel 500% better. So...today at 5:30 p.m. I had my last cigarette. That's it. I've had it. No more.

#2. Drink water.

I have a feeling that my body is waiving the white flag and surrendering because I refuse to take care of it. So next thing to do, is to drink more water. I bet my body is extremely dehydrated, especially while I'm sick, and it's time I took care of it.

#3. Eat healthier.

The last few months, I've been eating like crap. My old habits have been working their way back into my eating life. It's time to start eating more vegetables and less fat.

#4. Exercise.

I can start off small on this one. I have a friend that has invited me to yoga on Tuesday. Hopefully, by the grace of God, I will feel better by then.

Ugh! My stomach and head are killing me. But I'm going to stick with these and hope that everything gets better. Wish me luck.

Sting

It's weird how things just hit you out of the blue.

R's brother gave him a free ticket to see The Police the other day. So after a little discussion, K purchased two more tickets so we all three of us could go. I had always wanted to see Sting in concert, and now, I got to see a band I never thought I would see in a million years. I should have been more excited, but the first concert they had that was shown live on tv was not that good, so I was afraid of being disappointed.

Today started out rough. I won't go into detail, but by the time we bundled into the car to go to the concert, I was hesitant and just plain tired.

We got to the venue and found our seats. The location was good, the weather was pretty nice, and Elvis Costello was opening. Elvis was pretty entertaining and at one point I turned over to R and told him I was glad we all three went.

Then the lights dimmed and The Police took the stage. The first song I made it through okay. Then it hit me.

Memories of singing and dancing to Sting and the Police while I lived with my mom came flooding into my head. The tears threatened to start and I just looked straight on, singing the words from heart, willing myself to stop feeling.

What I didn't realize before I agreed to go, and was suddenly becoming realization, was that Sting and The Police had gotten me through a lot of rough patches in my life. They were tied to my mom, my emotional high school years, my marriage. The Beatles for me had been an introduction to my hippie nature, my calm resolve for understanding, peace, and love. But The Police...they had been my therapy for yearning, heartache, and deep frustration. When I sang a Police song, I sang it with every fiber of my being. Connecting with the loneliness and frustration of missed opportunities and unachieved dreams.

Mental images leapt between my mother and the deep loneliness that pervaded most of my life. I thought of all the dreams I had...to travel, to be successful, to be strong. And then was immediately followed by all the disappointment and darkness that saturated my life up until this point.

I kept telling myself to be strong. To be resilient. But the emotions kept flooding in. Through it all I kept looking forward, not wanting the roommates to know what hell I was going through. I thought they'd had a rough day as it was, they didn't need to worry about me and honestly, some demons you had to deal with alone.

At one point, I excused myself and headed towards the restrooms. I thought I had finally got my emotions under control when I was walking. I just needed to relieve myself and freshen up. I wanted to look happy when the lights finally came up.

But once in the restroom, in the stall, with the bare white bathroom door to look at, I started thinking of my mother once again. Thought about how I missed her. How I wish I had been there more for her. How I wished I could just hold her.

When people say they wished they could hold someone they missed one last time, it's utter bullshit. I wish I could hold her everyday. I wish I could go and visit whenever I wanted to. And no matter how often you visited someone. No matter how close. You still wished you had visited them more. Showed them more affection. More attention.

I got back to my seat and still tried to gain control of everything. By the last song, I was able to stop crying but just felt wasted and drained. As we walked out, R asked if I was okay. I briefly deliberated over whether I would just lie and cover it up, but I felt that would only be cheating myself and our friendship. So I told the truth, I just blurted, "Yeah, I just miss my mom." He asked me to repeat myself because he couldn't hear my low-pitched whisper. To which I said louder, "Yeah, I miss my mom." I could hear the sympathy in his voice, but I was near tears again, I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and be done with the night. We climbed towards the car and I sunk into the leather, staring out the window.

It was complete silence. I didn't want an awkward ride home, so I figured I'd break the ice first. I blurted out, "Was Sting wearing a mesh shirt?" To which R laughed and K exclaimed yes. That got the conversation rolling. I breathed a sigh of relief. I stayed pretty much quiet in the back, but their banter back and forth was cathartic.

As we arrived home, I just felt worn out.

I do feel a bit better now, but I'll never forget the first night I finally and truly felt the absence of my mom.

Brief Rant

Okay, I have a report that needs to get out for Accounting by the first weekday of every month. This day is extremely busy and when I first started this report, it would get out maybe every third business day, due to many different reasons.

Last month I got it out on the first day. Accounting had an issue with a check. I had to wait for them to correct it, and then I revised the report and resent it out. However, I felt proud that I finally got that report done on the 1st business day.

May was another deal altogether. Considering everything going on (May 1st being the day my mother passed away), I did call my boss and let her know what was going on and then racked my brain for what reports were due before going back into the hospital room to watch my mom fade away. I remembered the Accounting report and let my boss know and ask for an extension. She replied no problem.

My mother's funeral was the 5th. On the 6th, at exactly 3:31 p.m. (while I'm still on bereavement leave mind you) I sent the report. So three business days later.

I come in this morning to find the following email:

I know we have requested in the past that this report be delivered to us on the second business day of each month, but it doesn't always come that early. Is there any way it can be put on the calendar for Work Day 2? It is very important that I get this report by WD 2 because I need to add the info to my report and send to Corporate so they can meet their deadline for the liability submission the next morning.

Thanks for your help!

Okay, first of all, what crack is she smoking? 2nd business day = work day 2. Right?

Second of all, how dare you send an email about the report being late while I was dealing with my mom's death. (Note: I understand reports need to get done, but if that's the case why didn't she deny the freakin extension and ask us to get it done on time rather than bitch about it later?) I just want to strangle the bitch. Seriously? No, seriously? I'm usually a very professional person, but I would love....luuurrrvvvveeee...to send this report on the 3rd work day of the month from now on just to spite the fuckin bitch.

Of course, I won't do that. But I did email my boss and let her know that I was unhappy about the above email.

Still furious.

Why do I let dumb people get to me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I just got a text from my ex-husband. Our first dog, Buster, died this morning. :-(


Sidenote:
And another oddity...my step-sister's grandmother (on her mother's side) died last weekend. What the fucking hell?

My mom

What more could I want?

I guess you go through a period of reevaluation of everything in general when you go through a traumatic experience. But in running an errand tonight, and taking in the beauty of the weather, I realized that all my life I've spent wanting more than what I have. Some of these wants were warranted, and others maybe, not so much.

However, at this point in my life, I had to ponder, "What more could I really want?"

Part of this was instigated by my thinking on dating right now. I had one potential before everything happened with my mother. When she entered the hospital and I saw that this visit was more involved than all the others previous, I told him I would not be able to see him anymore. Then when my mother passed, I made a conscious decision not to date for awhile. (I'm afraid that intentionally or unintentionally I'll end up in a serious relationship just to be with someone. In my fragile emotional state, I could end up in a very bad situation.)

However, after thinking about it some more, I realized, that being the kind of girl that's constantly on the prowl or looking for a suitor, is just not me. I don't want to spend another moment of my life being depressed over not having someone to date, or cuddle, or be physical with. 

I know some people who read this might think of this in a shocked manner. However, this wanting is not healthy. At all. 

I have everything I need in life right now. Why would I spend another moment in my life sullen over a situation I can not control? Why do we feel like we're incomplete if we don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/spouse in our life? It's a nice additional benefit to life, I won't deny that. But it's not necessary. Like winning the lottery. I'd be happy if I won it, but I'm not going to be depressed for a week when I lose and the next numbers are called. 

This also applies to all aspects of my life. Why would I want for anything at all? I have a comfortable home. Wonderful friends. Good family. A satisfying job. What more could I really want?

So I've made a mental resolution to not want anymore. I will focus on the areas of my life that are fulfilling and that I can control. Such as my performance at work. My Toastmasters goals. And spending more time with loved ones, including personal time for myself. 

I will be stronger person. I will be that woman I once was. Proud and dedicated and happy. 

What kind of title do you give an entry like this?

Yesterday morning, I was feeling pretty good. I had received no phone call, I had finished a few work projects and my cold was going away. I started to get ready when I received a phone call from my grandmother. She informed me that she received a phone call from the hospital and that my mother had gotten worse. Still having my cold, I knew I couldn't visit her, but I told my grandmother to call me if anything happened.

I left for work and stopped at the drugstore and then my mind actually kicked into gear. I started thinking about how my grandmother sounded and realized that the situation did not look good. I rushed back home, picked up my laptop, and called my boss. I figured if anything happened, I didn't want to be so much as 5 minutes away from the hospital.

I arrived at the hospital and walked to ICU. I walked up to her room, figuring I'd find my grandmother and aunt there, but all I found was a nurse standing by my mom's bedside and holding her hand. I spoke to another nurse who was actually assigned to my mother, and she told me that my mother was doing much worse and that my mother didn't have much longer. I asked about my cold and the she told me to just put a mask on and go ahead in.

I put on the surgical mask and greeted the nurse standing by my mother's bed. Her name was Pam and in the short time my mother had been in the hospital, they had grown close. She repeated over and over again how glad she was that I was there then left me alone with my mother.

I walked to her bedside and was astounded at horrible she looked. It could have been worse. She had only a few tubes and a large oxygen mask, but she couldn't speak and her breath was shallow and quick. I didn't know what to do or say for the first few minutes. I just held her hand and smoothed her hair. Then I told her that I loved her. And tried to muster up all my strength not to cry in front of my mother. Unfortunately I failed that one small task.

Within about 10 minutes, my aunt and grandmother arrived. I moved aside so that my grandmother, more importantly her mother, could hold her hand and be there for her. You could tell she was aware of what was going on, but she couldn't respond.

The doctor arrived. He gathered us outside and started talking about how there was really nothing else they could do. After everything she had been through, the leukemia had finally done her in. We could choose to try dialysis but it would only prolong things by maybe a week...if she survived the procedure at all. The focus now was to keep my comfortable for what remaining time she had. According to the doctor she had a day, maybe two at the most.

After who knows how long, I walked outside to make the obligatory phone calls. I called my brother, and I called my two closest friends. R came over for his lunch and kept me company until K could arrive. I was amazed at not only how quickly they came, but that they were just there in the first place. They never fail to amaze me everyday.

K and I walked back upstairs and after a few minutes my aunt and grandmother rushed to my mother's side. After a moment I caught on. This was it. All of her vital stats were saying that in the next few moments, my mother would be gone.

We gathered close, and I held my mothers hand in those last few moments. She looked horrible. Not like my mom at all. I leaned down to where her eyes were focused and then after a moment I realized...they weren't focused at all. They were blank. My mother was gone.

We stepped back from the bed and held eachother. Looking at what remained of my mother. He body still twitched with what seemed like signs of life, but apparently it was just remnants of what the machines had done for her all this time. It was a filthy trick of nature and while I knew my mother was gone, those twitches still wanted me to hold out faith.

They eventually walked us into "the room". That special room they reserve for family members for a patient who had just deceased. The phone wasn't working and the table was wobbly. A woman rushed in and gave us a packet of information. It included a brief paragraph or two on grieving and what to do with the body. After deliberating awhile, we finally decided to have my mom's body cremated.

Everything after that was a mix of emotions. We went to Macayos. We ate. We talked. And then we went home. That night I had a few drinks and more food with a couple of close friends from Toastmasters. Then K and I went to Wal-Mart. While I was there I decided to purchase something to commemorate my mother's passing away. I decided on earrings that were my mother's birthstones...blue topaz. And then I purchased a necklace for my grandmother in the same color. We stopped by her house and checked on her. She seemed to be holding up fine.

When I got home and went to bed, I spied out of the corner of my eye a ceramic figurine my mom had made. It was two angels, one a woman and the other a child. My mother had painted it so the adult angel had brown hair and the younger, red. It signified my mother and I. I yanked it out, and held it for a moment. Then told my mother one last goodbye and that I loved her.

I cried a few moments and then pulled out my bible. After reading for a few moments, I thought about my mom and where she is now. And realized that she was in a much better place. And that she would be very upset if she saw how sad I was. Then I made a conscious decision to be happy for my mom. That I knew she wouldn't suffer anymore and that she really was in a better place. We had spoken about it before. We both had agreed that as Christians we felt death should be celebrated. It should be a joyous time.

Everytime I think of my mom now, I think of her reunited with old loved ones and being surrounded by extreme love and light. And then I think about the question my best-friend posed right after she had passed, "I wonder how many cats your mom's being reunited with right now?"

Figuring out priorities

Okay, granted I haven't had much time to do anything with mom in the hospital and this darn cold. But I think it's that time. Major spring cleaning. And I'm not talking about dusting the cobwebs from my ceiling (well, hopefully to include...) but no! I'm talking about goal setting and prioritizing things in life.

I know what you're thinking and yes, perhaps to some degree this has to do with my mother's health and everything else going on. But...I'm tired of being busy, of being broke, and not focusing on those things that make me feel good and those things that make me feel happy.

For instance. K recently introduced me to this diet website. It's fantastic. You can chart and track all sorts of things. And you accumulate points depending on physical and online activities to perform. However, one week into it and I came to the realization that I was getting too obsessed with gaining points and not enough time doing other things.

I had to quit my okCupid habit too. I found that I was spending too much time doing trivial surveys and reading email messages from people I really wasn't interested in.

So what do I need to focus on now?
- Figuring out what my work goals are and organize my work time efficiently so it doesn't cut into my personal time.
- Figuring out how to visit my family, including my mother, on a regular basis but without driving myself into exhaustion.
- Figuring out exactly what it is I want from Toastmasters in the next 6 months and make sure my involvement in it doesn't take over every spare minute as it has in the past.
- Figuring out how to increase the quality of my life by managing my finances better, spending enough time relaxing, spending time on enjoyable activities such as movies, cartooning, and concerts, and making food at home. (I miss home-cooked meals. I'm tired of the fast food and resteraunt life.)

That's about it for now. Better not pile up my to do list or I'll never get anything done.

Quick Update

Just talked to grandma. Mom's improving. Whew!

Sometimes I think a cold is just a small reminder from God...

on what my mom is going through. Usually, I'm a pretty hardy person, but I woke up this morning with barely enough energy to hit my snooze button. This one really hit me hard. I can't even fathom what my mother is going through.

Anyway, I attempted to login to my work computer this morning. Made it through 5 minutes before giving up and literally passing out. I felt like someone had hit the side of my head with a frying pan. Sleeping it off seemed the only resolution to today's debacle.

However, around Noon, I received the best news I had gotten in days. I received a text message. It was from my brother.

I don't think I've shared but my brother moved out of my aunt's some time ago. Since then, he's been in and out of trouble. His cell phone was turned off a few weeks ago and none of us have been able to get ahold of him. I was the only one in the family he was talking to, so everyone was hoping that I would be able to get ahold of him to tell him about mom.

I guess his boss somehow found out about our mother and told him. As soon as he found out, he texted me. We chatted for a few minutes and I got the chance to ask him if he was okay and that above all else, he's still my little brother and I worry about him.

I worried that once he knew I knew what kind of trouble he was in, he'd stop talking to me. But he told me he got it all figured out and he just owed some fines now. I can't really go into detail, but him owing money is much better than the alternative.

At least that heavy load is off my chest now.

Now...I have to work. Ugh. Nothing ticks me off more than having to work while I'm incredibly sick. But it has to be done. So here I go...

Bleh.

My mom deserves better

When you have a blog, sometimes you sit in front of the blank screen wracking your brain trying to think of something to write. Sometimes, your brain is so full of thoughts to share you think your head is going to explode. I'm of the latter mentality tonight.

However, one thought keeps going through my head regularly and that is my mom deserves better. She's done so much for other people her whole life. She took care of two husbands, two children, a mother-in-law with Alzheimers. She devoted her life to charity work during the good and the bad times.

My mom was always there for me no matter what. To this day whenever I hear the song, "Loves me like a rock" by Paul Simon all I can think of is my mother smiling, hugging me close, and rocking me back and forth wildly while she sings along. I remember her making the car "dance" by swinging it gently back and forth.

One of my fondest memories of my mother was when I got into trouble for something, I don't even remember for what. Probably for something dumb like not doing my chores or talking back. She scolded me then grounded me for a week without any television and sent me to my room. An hour later, she tiptoed in and whispered, "Elvira is on. You can watch this one movie, but then it's straight to bed missy. I don't want to hear you say your too scared to go to bed because I'm not letting you stay up." Of course, I got scared and begged my mom to stay up and watch MASH afterwards. My mom, being the punisher she is stated, "Well, okay, you can watch MASH, but then that is IT, you have to go to bed."

Every mother and daughter have a unique relationship. My mom and I were bonded by the fact that we were two women (three if you counted my grandmother who we lived with for a few years after my mother left my father) who were taking on the world together. I don't doubt for a moment that my mom loved me...adored me. I was her only child for 17 years. Her baby...as she still says.

My mom's eyes still light up when she sees me. She gives me a big hug and then apologizes for taking me away from my hectic schedule. My mother should've been jewish, she doles out guilt like it was air.

Now, my mother's life hangs precariously on the precipice of the unknown. Her body is inundated with fluids...her heart, her lungs. Her kidneys are close to failure and they'll be performing a mild dialysis soon in the hopes that it will improve the situation.

And here I sit. With my cold. Unable to even visit her. The one thing I could do. The one thing I could control.

I emailed my mom tonight. I know she won't read it for quite sometime. But it was something I could do. I'm hoping she'll come out of this. That a few weeks from now she'll read that email and shake her head at the insanity that we all went through. Hopefully someday soon, we'll all laugh at how she barraged the nurses with stories about her cat and how my aunt, a nurse, drew a bucket of KFC on the whiteboard under Special Instructions.

It's the unknown that drives you nuts. Not knowing if tomorrow you'll walk in and they'll be perky and begging for chinese food, or if you'll get that dreaded call any minute asking you to rush down to the hospital...even if you are sick.

Hang in there mom. We're all pulling for you.