So Emotional Lately

I know I've been through quite a bit in the past two weeks (and honestly still going through quite a bit), but who knew that give birth would hit you so emotionally? I mean the hormones raging through my system having me crying at the most inappropriate times. It really does suck.

Couple that with the fact that anytime I feel the slightest bit of concern over anything, my heart goes overboard with it. I would just like to get back to the usual logical person that I usually am. Or rather was before pregnancy.

Of course, it makes it hard when I'm stuck inside all day. Tethered to my little man, while although very much enjoyable, can be tedious and exhausting. I'd take him around but quite honestly I don't trust my leg enough to do it.

I guess I need to just realize that the situation is temporary and soon I'll be back to my physical self and be able to go out again.

New Start

Well needless to say, life has made a turn for the interesting. I now have a family that includes my boyfriend, my dog and my son. How odd to say "my son". I still don't feel like a "mommy." Just exhausted. Well, tired, not really exhausted.

So this is the time for new beginnings. A time to learn a new way to live. Try to keep my relationship happy and exciting. Try to get my butt moving and lose the weight again. Try to get focused on learning new tools to do my job. Try to rebuild my relationships with family and friends.

I'm doing better today physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's only gets better from here, right?

New start?

So many things have happened since I last posted. And from what I see, I was pretty much in the same frame of mind last time I wrote...

I'm not cranky, so much as just bitchy and opinionated a lot of the time. I'm thinking I picked this up from the boys as we're always in a verbal sparring match most of the time. I know I have an ability to pick up whatever character traits surround me, so I really need to work on getting back to my old optimistic self.

I'll have an interesting time of turning myself around. I have at most 5 weeks until I give birth to my son (such an odd thing to say.) Then I'll be home for about 9-10 weeks. Then back to work.

I've been so focused on the baby and my relationship lately, that I really haven't given any time to myself. Quite honestly I don't have much to complain about. I work at a well-known company, getting paid a decent amount of money and receiving good benefits (they're the reason why I can take so long for maternity leave.) My boss has been supportive even though I've only been here a year. I have finances I need to take care of, but we're still able to enjoy life and do the things we want. I have incredible friends who are willing to help out at the drop of a hat, and have enjoyed the new experience of being a band manager.

On top of all that, I have an incredible relationship with someone who is verbally and physically supportive and affectionate. We enjoy each other and have been through quite a bit. He's stuck with me and Ridley, and now we have to figure out a whole new dynamic once the baby comes. (Although that seems to be our MO, I don't think we've ever had a steady time of things.)

So the question now is, with all this wonderful stuff and people, what am I going to do to make me happy with myself?

Well I really have been disappointed with my general outlook in life. I've been very pessimistic and kind of lazy. It's time to be optimistic and have fun in life again. I need to remove the barrier I've put up between me and other people. Every time I visit a friend or family, I regret that I didn't interact more. Be more joyous, more involved. I guess I need to figure out the things that are truly important and why and fixate on those.

Secondly, I need to get motivated at work again. This is a good environment to grow my skills, just need to be more proactive about it. I can do this, I just need to ask for help more often and stop getting stuck on being intimidated by the people and the work.

Of course, I guess a month before giving birth is a tough time to accomplish a lot, perhaps that will be my first move. Not to be so hard on myself and others. I definitely need to be more forgiving.

Work and Attitude

I've been a bit cranky lately. Okay, that's putting it mildly...I've been a bit bitchy lately. Negative. I keep criticizing everything and everyone I come across. If not verbally aloud then internally. And it's driving me nuts. Why am I like this? I keep trying to figure it out but well perhaps it has a lot to do with work. I get no communication from my boss (or much others). Communication is mostly over MOC or email, and when I am communicated to it's usually about something I did wrong or need to improve. That will wear on someone. It's not an overtly aggressive environment, more passive aggressive. So when you're surrounded by that, what do you do?

Okay, let's see if I can stick to this...

I have two goals with this journal right now: vetting out my personal goals and tribulations and work on educating myself by reading articles and discussing them. I know, both of these are very selfish goals, however that's what a personal diary is all about. I'm not posting for you, sorry to say, but posting for me.

Okay that's about 90% true. I write to entertain you too, just because this is public and I don't want you to be bored if you run across my entries. I'm such a panderer.

So what's my main concern in life? I would have to say my outlook at this point. I've noticed a growing trend in general towards complaining or sarcasm on everything in life. It's a bit tiresome and not too respectful of others in general. I can understand a general need for humor in life, however the underlying point given in our humor and opinions lately seems to branch to, "You're dumb, I know better."

Okay, so my opinion differs from quite a few others out there. I admit my initial reaction to anything Glenn Beck says is pretty much, "Wow, really? You're a moron." But also admittedly, although I may disagree with him, he's human as well and for me to just dismiss his arguments with a blanket statement regarding his personality is neither helping me to grow as an individual, him in understanding my general disagreement with his argument, or others in being able to see that I'm actually an intelligent human being who has independent and coherent thought without lowering my arguments down to, "yeah, well, you're just a doodoo head."

Cause ultimately, isn't that what we're doing when we say things like that? There's really no argument back to that except, "Wow, you're a moron too if you can't come up with a better counter-point than likening me to someone who has actual mental issues."

So, bearing that in mind, I will approach all events and opinions with respect towards my fellow man. I will approach every moment in life as an opportunity to improve and learn about people and things.

Now comes the hard part...remembering to do it.

I'm unsettled

For some reason I'm just not happy right now. I mean, in some aspects I am. I'm very happy in my relationship. And I'm happy when I'm doing band stuff, but there seems to be a general malaise about me right now.

First of all, I seem numb to most things. If I'm focused on one thing, I ignore all others. I know happiness 100% of the time if totally unfeasible, but I'm just unsettled about how I feel right now.

I do have several things I can pinpoint my anxiousness about. My weight for one. I haven't been this heavy in quite sometime and I just can't seem to lose it. As I get older, my habits seem to be more concrete and accomplishing new goals (whether I've attempted them before or not) seems much more difficult.

My new job is another. While I do like the people and the company, to do my job is akin to pulling teeth. Queries run forever and data is oddly organized. I love looking at data, but a majority of my time is spent trying to manipulate queries and find data. It makes for an exhausting day.

Of course, my car upsets me to. It's getting to 80k now and I've never had such issues with a newer car. For a BMW it's really turned to crap quickly. I've already socked thousands of dollars into it for repairs and I don't relish investing more.

Last but not least is my finances. I have most of it square away except for one thing. It looms over me like a cloud. I know I need to handle it soon but I dread the outcome.

I suppose I should chip away at those. We'll see what rememdies I can find to those issues.

It's time to document my life again

I have so many things going on and so many thoughts about everything.

First of all, I'm now working for an internet company. A very well to do one. I enjoy it here, however everything is brand new to me which makes things awkward. I suffer from newbie syndrome in which I flub up, however, I feel part of this is due to my lack of training. It pretty much consisted of "There's the tables...go at it." It's amazing how many things I learn in life by watching others and saying to myself, "Remember not to do that." For instance, I would couple a new person up with someone else. I somewhat had this my first month, but my "buddy" decided to relocate to another department. Which has now left me floundering. So now I find myself repeating each day, "Don't worry, it'll get better...you'll get better. Beside what are you going to do? Quit?"

Secondly, I have someone new in my life. They make me very happy. I am still tentative to say this as what I say could affect other people. I do't know if my ex still reads my blog, however, I suppose I can't hide who I am or what I do for the rest of my life. I still am somewhat confused about everything only in that I was raised religiously one way and my religion would condemn my lifestyle now, only because I am not with my ex-husband. He was a good person, however we were just two different people with different needs. Every day I hope he is doing well and has found his own happiness.

Third, well, life has certainly changed and picked up. I have new friends, new activities, pretty much a whole new life. I miss certain things about my old life, like my kitty. Onyx (who is the namsake of this blog) has passed away. I miss him immensely. I still have Casper though, shy and reclusive although he is. I have a new cat which drives me nuts...Pookie. A 9 year old rescue cat from the Humane Society who seems to think she gets rewarded Pounce for each headbutt and affectionate bite she gives. I also have a new puppy, Rio. A lapdog with endless energy. She has been my companion through rough times which include more than just the usual stress.

My roommates consist of three brothers, all which keep me well grounded yet enjoying life. Will is an eternal fountain of youth. He shows me the energy and optimism of life. It's funny to grow older and watch people repeat the same steps, decisions and issues you had at their age. Bry is the creative of the group, and with that he shares the same sensitivity and passion as many other artists. I enjoy his passion for everything in life, and mostly his ability to focus on what he really loves to do which is music. Ricky is a dichotomy. He loves communism, yet seeks the fruit of capitalism. He tried to come off as a hard-ass, but his sensitive nature comes through more than he'd like it to.

Bry and Ricky are both in a band. It's an amazing venture and I love every minute of going to shows, watching them record, and doing promotional stuff. This is just a small description of my life right now. The rest is for later...

Time for a Change

I wonder how many times people say that over the course of their lives?

Well, it is. I feel it. Not like a resounding boom of a change, but a small inching change towards becoming the person I should be...I want to be.

All my life, I've attached to people. Attached to people heavily. Well, not people but one person. I become immersed in being involved in that person, making them happy, being with them. Sort of like the Runaway Bride. I know how I like my eggs, but otherwise, I don't have much of my own life anymore.

Recent developments in my life are changing that.

I'm starting to feel the change. When I catch my reflection in a mirror or glass, I notice me. I notice myself as an adult, as a woman, as strong, as an individual.

I hope this sticks, because I've worked too damn hard all my life to become less than a happy, interdependent woman. Hopefully, I'll find myself, and THEN I can find that person to share my happiness with.

Ever post things where you know people won't read them?

I miss you mom. I miss waiting til midnight.

Epiphany

No, I didn't have one. Well...perhaps a small one. However, what I'm talking about is that standard scene in a film or a book in which the main character has an epiphany about their life and everything changes and improves from that moment on.

I'm here to tell you life doesn't work that way.

It's more of a an outward progression made in circles and valleys. You have an epiphany, you make a change, you falter. You dust yourself off or have another epiphany, you make a change, you falter. However, during this process you fall a little bit less harder each time, and eventually you realize that the end goal is in sight.

I'm hoping that's the road I'm on right now. I faltered big time. I fell hard. And I keep falling. But I'm also realizing that I'm not falling as often. And picking myself up seems to come easier and easier. I realize I still have a few big obstacles in my future. But in all honesty, I'm looking forward to them. Encountering them is what is going to ultimately make me a stronger person in the long run.

Just for me

Oh goodness...where the mind wanders...

I am not the same person I was three years ago. Not even a year ago.

I'm horribly self conscious. Self deprecating. Self loathing. Depressed. Unmotivated.

I have my moments. (Usually when I'm not smoking.) Moments when I get ff my ass and do something. Why, starting my blog again, is at least a step in the right direction. But honestly, how did I allow myself to get to this position?

I constantly question myself. My sanity. My intelligence. My looks.

It's time to stop. It's time to respect myself again. My needs, my wants, my self.

I know I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm loving. I'm caring.

I just need to tap into that inner core. Remove that bad crust and dig into that inner beauty that once reflected out.

Okay, so I guess it's not enough to say it. I don't care how many times you have an epiphany...it doesn't work like the movies where suddenly you see the light and everything is fixed. Once your aware, you have to take the steps to make habits. So, hmmm, what would be a good step 1?

Stop smoking I think. Oddly enough, I've noticed my smoking not only taking a physical toll, but an emotional one as well. When I'm not smoking, I'm full of energy, and awareness. So perhaps my physical health should be first. This will involve:
1) Stop smoking for 2 days
2) Drink 4 glasses of water every day for a week
3) Do yoga every day for a week

This seems reasonable, yes? I feel better already.

Maybe it's time to start posting again...

I haven't posted due to MANY things going on in my life. I know that usually I've been the kind of blogger that can blog about anything, but some things just can't be blogged at the time it happens.

So what has brought me out of my Blogging slumber?

A few articles, notes, responses, blogs about "nice" guys.

You've probably seen the rants. A "nice" guy has been jilted by a girl who decided to date a "douchebag". According to said nice guy, she's a heartless bitch that doesn't know what's good for her. So, as a girl who has turned down a few "nice" guys, let me offer some more insight into why...

First of all, don't ever pass judgment or belittle someone for not dating or falling in love with another person. There's a reason why "plenty of fish in the sea" exists as a term. We are all different people, with different needs and wants and preferences. If you don't have chemistry with a person, you shouldn't be forced to or asked to explain yourself. It's just not there. Respect that person and move on to another person who WILL reciprocate. You deserve the best, which means not bargaining for affection and love.

Next, an explanation as to why a girl is not turned on by the nice guy. Honestly, there are many reasons, but most importantly, there's no excitement. I've dated quite a few nice guys and believe me, I've always wanted to feel passionate about them. Knew they were good guys. Tried repeatedly to date them, hoping the spark would show up, but either (A) it wasn't the right time or (B) we never really did anything that made me feel more than amicable. No heated debates, no sparring comments, no flirty gestures. I understand that as a nice guy, saying something out of character poses a risk. You want to be on your best behavior, say all the right things, do all the gentlemanly moves in order to avoid the slightest risk of offending the girl. But first of all, we're all human. We understand that if there's a few aspects to your personality that we don't like, they're overcome by all the ones we do. We want to know your human. Second, some of those traits we actually like. I'm the kind of girl that likes to spar back and forth with some barbed comments. None of the nice guys I dated ever could do that with me. Some were offended. Sorry, I need a guy who can take the challenge. That's okay if you don't like that, but don't expect me to get involved. I need that intellectual stimulation. Just as much as the physical.

Third, for Gods sake, don't think that just because you're a nice guy gives you the right to expect something from a girl then bash her because she's not into you. Isn't that just as bad as the guy who expects something because he bought the girl a drink or dinner? If the feeling isn't mutual, then grow up, realize that it's just not going to happen, and find someone else.

Accept who you are. Accept who she is. If your playing it safe and not showing your true self, then let go and take some risk. Odds are you'll find someone much sooner and it'll be worth it. If that IS you, then great! You'll find someone who loves you for who you are, without feeling obligated.

Niles is...#2

Niles is....Dr. Brown

I'm back...kinda.

Life has been a little rough. Hopefully getting better. Will share more later. Til then...

Frequently, the roommates dog is going through stages of grooming. From short fur to long curly fro fur. During these stages, he looks like someone or something else. Today, he is Kenny Rogers. Well, not Kenny Rogers exactly as the guy who portrays Kenny Rogers on MadTV. So, in the spirit of blogging nonsense, I will be posting pics of Niles is...

Welcome to our first installation.

Niles is a Kenny Rogers impersonator....

Dear Diary,

I know I've ignored you. I just haven't had time, like most things. I don't know what to say. Life has been filled with Toastmasters and work. There has been no time to pause.

When I do get a few moments to stop and look around, I'm lost. I just don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel. Many things have happened, but...I'm constantly trying to get a grip on who I am, what I want out of life.

I suppose things have gotten better. I don't feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster anymore, but I suppose it's time to really sit down and figure out what I want to do and who I want to be. Did I say that already?

Okay, maybe it wasn't the best of ideas to write my blog while listening to music. Especially new music. Try Bullets by Tunng. Awesome song!

Oh yeah...I just celebrated my 33rd birthday. Thank God, 32 is over with!!!! And with it came a nice birthday party, great friends wishing me well, and a host of new songs on my iTunes. Mostly Fred Astaire, Frank Sinatra, and Dean Martin. I'm in an oldies mood. Not sure why. But I have noticed music makes me happy again. Perhaps there's hope for me yet.

Yeah, it's been awhile...

I'm going to have to blame work on this one. See, of the many perks of now being with a larger corporate company, I get the chance to be blocked from every fun site in existence...well, except for YouTube in which apparently I can still watch skits with profanity and sex scenes because the filter can't tell if it's named Stick It To Her. (And for you google-curious, no that's not really a YouTube video...that I know of)

Anyway, life has been fairly busy. I nearly went out of my mind, until some people decided to help out and get me some help. While professional help would have been warranted, instead they found me a few people to help out with web stuff. So now instead of a bill-yun things to do, I now only have a million. Now I can go bald at a slower rate.

I've been horribly frustrated and a bit depressed lately. Life has just been one glob of one work issue to the next. I go from staring at a computer screen at work, to staring at an iphone screen (to check for emails), to staring at a screen at home to do work and TM (Toastmasters.) I wake up alone and I go to bed alone. And to top it off, the one person who thought I was the best person ever, is now gone.

I know...I still have my friends. And while although awesome friends they are, they can't replace the adoration of a mother and the comfort of a significant other.

I'm fairing a bit better these days. I sit here right now, not in tears although I'm tired and it's close to going to bed, listening to an artist's concert who I'll be attending with a good friend. I'm working, but not stressing. And while it would be nice to have another warm body in bed with me, the teddy bear will do for now.

I know life isn't all that bad. I have my friends, I have my job, I have my grandma, I have my car, and not to mention this luscious ass of mine. Kidding. Or am I?

It's just hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I've never been single or alone really before. I'm been alone with someone, but never by myself before. And while it has been two years, it's been a very...full...two years. I'm just now starting to cut the apron strings to my two best friends, however still trying to figure out how to retain my independence without being a loner.

I'm more awkward than ever socially right now. I feel like I've retreated back into my shell a little. Not as sure of myself as I used to. I just need a project or an accomplishment though and I'm sure I'll feel stronger again.

I really needed that...

It's been a rough time.

I've been overloaded with work and Toastmaster's stuff. I mean, we're talking almost mental breakdown overloaded.

Because my workload has been so full and I haven't been able to accomplish much, I've been feeling a bit like a failure. A failure to myself, a letdown to others. I hate feeling this way.

Only in the past couple of days, has this started to alleviate. I caught up at work...somewhat. I had a good discussion with my boss. I took my time going home today, and figured out my mess of finances.

As I was sitting, trying to make some progress with Toastmasters stuff, I get a text message. It's from my brother.

Long back story...when my mother adopted my brother (along with an unwilling stepfather), he came from a very rough life already. Top that with an uncaring adoptive father and a sick mother...well, he's had a rough time. Immediately after they adopted him, my family moved to Maryland. I didn't speak to him for years. I knew how rough it was, but there was nothing I could do miles away.

When my mother divorced my step-father, she took my brother with her, but they moved in with my grandmother and discipline became top priority to both of them. I felt bad for the poor guy. He's always been a good kid in bad circumstances. Between my mother's helplessness, my grandmother's frustrations and some very bad peer influences; he had it very difficult. However, at this point I was dealing with a rough marriage and no matter what words of advice I gave the matriarchs of my family, they insisted on ruling with an iron fist.

When he moved in with my aunt, she was almost the complete opposite. He continued to get into trouble, yet displayed great talent musically. He showed his intelligence and caring only to those few who showed no judgment and kept mostly to himself.

Eventually he moved out on his own. I breathed a small sigh of relief hoping that on his own, he would feel a bit of freedom and finally be able to take responsibility for his own actions. Yet, I always felt immense guilt not taking a larger role in my brother's life. I was assigned the role of older sister and therefore guardian, and failed miserably.

Before my mother went into the hospital, we exchanged phone numbers and from time to time, I would receive a funny text message or two. When she went into the hospital, I was the one to call him. And to my surprise, it was in me he confided his guilt over not crying over my mother's death.

Since that day, he still text messages me questions and just quick hello's to let me know he's alright, but tonight...

Tonight, I received a question about relationships and finances. I gave my honest opinion and tried to stay respectful to his relationship. Towards the end, it went like this...

My brother: "Thanx! Ur good at givin advice!"

Me: "No problem. I'm flattered you'd ask"

My brother: "Well I trust u and uv never let me down!"

Enter one very stunned Onyx.

Of all the things anyone has said. Of all the things he could have said.

...

I guess it's time to blog again

I had almost considered writing this in my personal blog. Some things, as a friend recently said in a blog entry of hers, you're just not ready to share with the world. Being aware that certain people read your blog sometimes entices you to restrict what you're saying, but that would go against the very principle of what I believe...that in sharing our deepest and scariest fears we deny others the ability to share and know they're not alone in what they feel.

I'm at a point in my life where honestly I have everything. A good job, a nice car, a new house, (an old house), good friends, two loving cats, and even an internet connection and an iPhone. Yet, damn you Disney, I still feel like something's missing.

Why Disney?

Well, because when I was a little girl...heck even two days ago...I watched movies about true love and happily ever after. I thought I had it once only to find out that my Prince Charming was a frog. He was a good person, but ours was not a happy existence.

Now...I find myself yearning again for that feeling of being a couple. Falling asleep in someone's arms, feeling safe and being watched after, sharing intimate moments and even bad ones.

Ever feel like maybe you hit a quota? A limit? Like there's no chance it's going to happen again because...well, just because?

My mother and grandmother both ended up single. I wonder what they feel? Felt, in my mom's case. Does my grandmother after all these years still yearn for that feeling of couple-dom anymore? Or is she stronger than me?

Our brain is a wonderful invention, yet causes us so much harm. There's no reason why I should imagine what it's like. Why do I ponder late at night what it would be like to have someone to hold me in my bed? A nice chest to rest my head on, a loving hand caressing my hair and soothing away my worries.

I'm a successful adult woman. So why do I still have the dreams from my childhood playing through my mind?

What Happens After This?

I'm at our new house right now. Everything is empty except for a few pieces that I've moved. I'm waiting on the gas guy right now to finish. I can hear clinking from the garage. I'm perched on the steps, typing away, working. I'm wearing my white business shirt with jeans and bare feeties. And oddly enough...I feel like I'm in a scene from a movie. You know the scene. Where the career woman is moving into her new place. But, this place isn't mine solely. Just weird. Sometimes I catch myself in a moment and think to myself, "when did I get to be so fortunate (and unfortunate at times) to be that woman in the movie I wanted to grow up to be? And why doesn't it seem as great as it looked on the screen?"

Atom-smasher inspires fear

Scientists say a huge new device won't suck the Earth into a black hole.

Best...headline....ever....

Okay, but seriously, did they have to start this colossal machine right around my birthday? Wait...is it before November 10th?

Okay, I don't see the date, but let's put it this way...if it happens after Nov 10th, we're good. If it happens BEFORE Nov 10th, we're screwed. Why? Because the world and the universe rotate around me.

Well, that's the short story. The long version is that I recently came to a profound realization. It starts with my father. When he began racing, he chose the number 32. My whole life, this has been my father's lucky number. When I had a falling out with my father, I started to cringe whenever this number would come up.

32 on the lotto ticket? Nope, not winning.

32 for a player? Of course he missed the possible winning shot.

So for a few years now, I repeatedly joked that I dreaded turning 32.

It wasn't until about a few weeks ago that the importance of this joke hit home.

Of all the years that my mother was sick. Through everything she'd gone through. It took us all by surprise. And then I realized, on the year (exactly midway) of me being 32...my mother passed away.

Not only that, but I am in a completely different life than I was at 31 or all other prior years in my life.

So based on the assumption that my 32nd year on this planet will end with a bang, we're all royally screwed if they pull that lever prior to me turning 33.

Cross your fingies that they schedule it for November 11.