Vegas Continued...

Saturday was spent with K's (pictured above) mom and husband. We woke up on Saturday around 10 a.m. then headed over to the Venetian for a little gambling and food.

Seeing as how everyone was a Vegas nube except R and I, we decided to tour the strip. K's ankle is still out of commission, so we rented a wheelchair and headed out. The first touristy thing we did was visit Madame Toussauds wax museum. One of the great things abotu R & K is their outrageous behavior. We moved from one star to another hamming it up for the pictures. One of my favorites is above.

After molesting just about every wax figure, we headed back out onto the strip. All in all we walked for about 10 hours straight. We did take a two hour break at the Excalibur and took in the dinner show. It was completely hokey, but a lot of fun. We were Norway, but R and I kept on cheering on the Irish knight and the russian knight.

At about Midnight we all passed out from exhaustion back at the hotel room. We're probably the only Vegas visitor to go to bed every night before dawn.

We all agreed that we would have to do it again soon though. Life is too short.

Viva Las Vegas!!

That Tom Jones' hand is a dog!!

Anyway, we had tons of fun this weekend. Friday we headed up to Vegas and had quite the interesting trip. So...this is how it all started...K's mom called and informed us she was going to be in Vegas for a business conference and would K like to meet her over there seeing as how it's only a five hour drive from Phoenix. Money is a little tight, so we all deliberated over it and after deciding to cheap hotel, decided to go for it.

We decided a little late, so the hotel choice was kind of limited. We tried to keep it under $100 a night and finally found a gem of a hotel called Golden Palms. We booked two nights and asked for Friday off from work to make a grand weekend of it.

Friday, we left early. We stopped off for breakfast and then made the long trek out there. 6 hours later, we arrived. After numerous calls to 411 to locate our hotel (unfortunately none of us printed out directions) we finally arrived. At the red light in front of it, we all stared at what could possibly be mistaken for an hourly rate hotel as opposed to a daily one. IT WAS AWFUL!!!! Trying to keep our spirits up, we kept repeating things like "It's Vegas! We won't even be spending any time in our room." But things kept happening. First it was the "Southside" etching on the wood posts outside. Then the creaky elevator that sounded like it was running on wooden hinges. Then the 'suicide window' without a screen. The mismatched comforters. Then the coup de gras...the room across from ours had a large neon sign posted on it that announced the room was closed 'permanently' due to health violations.

Oh hell no!! R & K put on a good act, but I wasn't having any of it...AT ALL. ANY OF IT!!! I was nearly in tears from the crappy hotel and made a decision. We were leaving. I didn't care if we had to pay a grand on a new hotel room...we weren't staying here. So we packed what we had already unpacked and informed management that we expected a full refund. To which they replied, "Ok." Guess it happens a lot. We were bracing ourselves for a bit more of an argument. But no, the guy was completely cool about it and apologized profusely. I think he was just trying to impress the massive amounts of hookers going to and fro.

Leaving the hotel, we wiped our brows from relief and started making the calls to try to get another hotel room. But unfortunately everything was either booked or massively expensive. Why? NASCAR!! It was a nascar weekend. But due to K and I's mad 411 skills, and R's knowledge of the city, we finally booked at Circus Circus and saved the weekend!

We had finally arrived!!

(Story to be continued...)

Bluntly Honest

The past few days have been so filled with confusion and emotion...

Hubby and I discussed things further yesterday. Although, sometimes things get misunderstood, so I hope I didn't misunderstand...

We have decided to just be friends. Unfortunately, my feelings towards him aren't what they used to be. And as much as I'd like that to not be true, you can't control your feelings. I'm a logic girl and believe me this frustrates me immensely. But what is, is.

So we've agreed to just be friends. We won't even be seeing eachother in the next two weeks. This process has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. Ending thirteen years of a relationship, 9 years of a marriage is hard.

I still want to take care of him. I worry about how's he's handling things. But on the same token, I just can't anymore. It's time to take care of myself. So many years of handling his issues. Taking care of his needs.

But it's time to take care of my own. Time to take care of myself. Discover myself. Figure out who I am as a person without being attached to another.

My mind races over tons of things. Being just another statistic. The feeling that I'm abandoning him. The fear that I may have just fucked everything up. But then I think of the lonely nights. The times when I really needed someone to just listen or hold me or just plain care. I think about the dreams I had regarding children and feeling depressed because I was going it alone.

I have no regrets. No anger. No bitterness. Just a need for sweet release.

I know he's reading this. And while I've said these things in the past, I think it's probably more blunt in this post. I really don't know how to say goodbye.

I couldn't put it better myself...

This is me to a T:

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

Valentine's Day

It's always weird for me to post on blogger now, because I know my husband reads my blog. It's not that he reads it that is a bit disconcerting...it's the fact that he's an overanalyzer. I write in fear that something may be misconstrued or too read into.

But on the other hand, this is a time for getting to know eachother. I feel as I've been suppressing myself over the past 13 years in order to keep him comfortable and accepting of me as a wife, but I am a different person (I'm learning). How different? I don't know. But certain things I'm aware of now that I wasn't before. I'm editing myself less, doing and thinking of doing things I wouldn't have imagined doing before because I knew he wouldn't like them.

On the other side of the coin, I believe he's finding himself too. I think this seperation is a catalyst for change not only within our relationship, but also within ourselves. He is doing things that he never did with me. Poetry, art, cleaning. Seperated we are two totally different people.

Of course, it's only been a week. People do change in a small amount of time when something like this happens. We'll just see how much we stay changed.

Valentine's Day was nice. He picked me up around 7 and said all the plans had been laid out. We had discussed going out to dinner, but nothing much beyond that. I do have to give him props for handling dinner. He knew the resteraunt was going to be busy so he called in the afternoon to place the order we were to pick up at 7:30. When we got back to the house, he had the table laden with rose petals and candles. After finishing with our meal, we made the sudden realization that we had nothing to drink. So before heading out for some beverages, we exchanged gifts. I gave him a Relic watch. He gave me a few things that were wonderful (a cat book, a John Lennon book, a teddy bear) including a poem he had created and framed. He really put quite a bit of thought into it.

Afterwards we watched Lady in the Water and said our goodbyes. He's been giving me space, which I appreciate. For some reason this past week has been more about self-discovery than focus on the relationship. I hope he realizes that too. I hope that in the near future I can focus on the relationship, but for the time being I have to find out who I am, what I want and what I need, before I can say what I want or need from someone else.

Happy Valentine's Day

I Have No Idea

I just finished dinner at home. We had a nice taco salad. Actually sat down and ate and conversed. Now I'm busy listening to Beck's Sea Change which always drops my blood pressure a few points.

Had a nice few minutes with hubby. He seems to be chilling out. He had called me early in a panic and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. That had me a bit worried, until we spoke later and he seemed much better.

I know this entry is disjointed as are my thoughts and emotions.

So welcome to my life.

Epic movie sucked!!

So last night we got nails done, R&K took me to Chili's, and we saw Epic Movie. Why did we chose this movie? Because I begged everyone for weeks to go see it. Actually...R said he wanted to see it too. So it's half his fault. It was the lamest movie ever!! EVER!!!

Bad jokes, bad farce, ugh, just horrible all around...and this coming from someone who loves Spaceballs and Airplane. (I have a drinking problem.)

Anyway, was just updating some pics on the internet because I've decided Saturday to not only get my haircut, but also allow the hairstylist to highlight my hair *gasp*. But I trust this guy. He knows what he's doing. So cross your fingers.

Til next time, I leave you with an incredibly hot picture of Mr. Spacey. It's entitled, "I RULE"

(Could you just not jump on top?)

Still Adjusting...

Has it really only been 5 days?! It seems like much longer...a month at least.

I have settled in somewhat at my new home. Everything is unpacked. The room is starting to looked lived in. Even the cats are coming out. But I feel like I'm in a state of pause.

Hubby calls and txts me every day. He seems to be doing well, which is what I had hoped for. For him to be able to see that he is capable and strong.

I'm not really sure where I'm at. I feel like I just want to shutdown from everything. Take a weeklong nap. I'm exhausted but have a little bit of difficulties telling myself when to sleep. I stay up with my roommates late into the night (come 'on 12 is late for an old coot like me!)

I feel antsy, but not really sure what to do. Just as he is finding out who he is, I too am finding out who I am. What I like. What my habits are. Certain habits are hard to break. I still find myself hardly eating anything at home. I always feel like I need to go out. When I think of buying groceries, I have no idea where to even start (hubby did not buy groceries except one day at a time.)

I find myself hermitting up at home, looking around at the walls, just thinking "what do I do now?" Of course, this isn't all the time. Some nights I go out with hubby, sometimes just a group of friends. But I seem to be attaching myself to my friends right now. I'll allow myself to do that for the first week or so, but I really need to find my own path eventually.

Hubby and I have another date on Friday. Not sure what we're going to do yet. We'll see.

Quick Update

I am now officially moved into my new abode. Freakin exhausted. It took us a total of about three days to move all four of us.

It wouldn't be honest to say everything was a smooth transition. My mind is a flurry of activity, from outright astonishment that I'm here to guilt, sadness, excitement...

Anyway, had a nice semi-date with hubby today. Went and got a massage and lunch. He's doing much better, as am I.

Anyway, going to settle the old bones. Take care everyone. I'll give a full update soon.

Update

Thanks to all of you for the kind and supportive words. I've just been barely making it through these last few days. My emotions range from both extremes, but I feel the choice I made is the correct one for things to get any better in the future.

I move this weekend, which I am looking forward to. A little space and time to gather my thoughts unimpeded will be good. Although a ping of melancholy hits me every once in awhile when I realize what I'll be missing at home. But change is never easy. I'll be okay.

For those interested in the other side of the story as it progresses, my husband has decided to also keep an online blog (link located to the right under littermates). He has read my blog and I'm okay with that. If nothing, I feel honesty is the best thing right now.

So...comics to start up again probably after I move and I have a few free moments to myself. Right now I'm just living day to day, and that's okay.

Will update soon. Take care good friends. :-)

Big Changes

Okay, I guess it's about time I stopped pussing out and updated on what's going on in my life.

I went to see the psychologist and she confirmed my suspicions. So I made a decision. At this point I feel it would be better, for both of us, if I left for a brief period of time. This will hopefully allow hubby to grow and mature and show me that he's really serious about the relationship. I'm moving in with a few friends close to work, and have told hubby that we could see eachother during that time, but that I needed space.

One of the frequent questions brought up from people was why not see a marriage counselor first? Well, I had brought that up a week or so when I mentioned leaving, but he didn't seem to want to go see a therapist. By last week, I just felt so exhausted emotionally that I felt I needed a break. Also, there was a deep fear in my heart that if we just kept having talks, and I forgave him, that things eventually would return to the way the were and Iwould constantly being going from promise to promise on a wave of desolation.

So...I move out in a week. Friends of mine are upgrading their apartment from a two-bedroom to a three-bedroom. I'm taking the cats. Gosh, I really don't know what to say...*sigh*

Round and Round

Are how my thoughts are lately. My mind is nothing but chaos. Also, I've been so busy with my pals that I've got minimally done at home and on my comic strip. I should try to get one done tonight, but it's already 11 and hubby JUST told me he has a doctor's appt tomorrow at 7 a.m. Ugh!!

So...where are we at this very moment? I think my friend K put it best: mixed messages.

As I said, I do love my husband, I'm not sure I'm still IN love with him. As cliche as that sounds, it's pretty accurate.

He did get me roses. I called and thanked him and he acknowledged that and promptly hung up on me because he was in a meeting (forgivable). Then never called me back during the day (he used to call me like 11 times throughout the day...my coworkers and friends used to poke fun at the fact he was always calling me.) So still I try to put myself in the right frame of mind and drive to pick him up after work. I get there at 5:10 (10 minutes after he gets off work), txt him that I'm there and then he txts back, "k".

So I wait...about 20 minutes.Then he comes bounding out the door and says he was caught in "a meeting". Which I could see he was at his desk, but even if he was in a meeting he could have txt'd a quick, "be out late" to give me warning.

He then proceeds to try to act funny and affectionate, which I give him credit for the effort, but even as he's doing it I make my effort but my heart's not really in it. Which I will totally hate myself for being that bitch that feels nothing although the husband is trying his best to patch things back up.

Then I ask about dinner...he says he's not hungry...but asks me what I want...I end up having QT taquitos...we get home...he asks if I'm going over to RandKs...I say I don't know but have been invited...he encourages me (damn it for writing posts 5 hours after the fact because I really can't remember the exact way he propositioned it), but essentially he has encouraged me once again to go off and have fun without him. While he stays at home and plays games.

I freakin don't know what to do. I know he's making an effort, but I don't know for how long, and I don't have fun with him anymore, and my mind analyzes everything, and I end up feeling like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions followed by random trips on the mental carousal.

Thank God for the professional help I'm seeing tomorrow. I don't know if I can take this much longer.

Epiphany

If you ever see a girl at work who receives flowers and it's not a holiday, birthday, or anniversary...feel sorry for her. I now have to make up some excuse when people ask other than, "He's trying to repair a relationship that's already broken."

*sigh*

Good Weekend, Bad Husband

This weekend was relatively good. Lemme search the darkened corners of my mind to figure out what I did. It's pretty much all a blur...

Friday, Blue and I went to play Texas Hold'em with some new friends. R&K were supposed to go, but only R showed up. K was exhausted, so we had to deal with it. I drank only two and a half Smirnoffs, and got drunk off my ass. Not puke or annoying drunk, thank goodness, but drunk enough. I also lost my money very quickly. But that's okay, my entire purpose for that night was just to get stinkin drunk. Why?

Hubby and I had a discussion prior to me going out. I informed him I was going to see a ocunselor and he pretty much freaked out. Once again, he gave me sad puppy eyes and promised to pay attanetion to me more. My response? I'm gonna go get drunk. (If you live with all the mixed messages I live with, believe me...you'd get drunk too.)

Saturday, Blue and I went to WW. Then picked up some breakfast and hubby. He was trying to make an effort to hang out with us (me), but wanted to go home after picking up his new gaming keyboard and mouse. So Blue and I went clothes shopping, then came home to get ready for the night. We even fit a little Thai food dinner in there somewhere (Thanks Blue!) Hubby was more than happy to allow me to go out so he could spend precious time with his first-person shooter game. We had a great time at the club.

Sunday, I was invited over to R&Ks for karaoke. I informed K that I couldn't come over, or if I did it might be later tonight because hubby was insistent that we have a 'date' before the weekend was out. (Actually he said, "We're going out tomorrow because I don't want you to complain that I didn't take you out this weekend.")

I wondered if I should even ask considering he made such a big deal out of taking me out to a movie. But then again one of the first things he said that morning was, "It's too cold out. Why don't we skip the movie and just do a rental?" Uh...okay.

Then when I told him about R&K, he jumped at the chance for an excuse, "Yeah, why don't you go over there? Have fun! Just bring back a movie, any movie you want babe, and we'll watch it tonight."

This progressed to him calling me around 6 p.m.: "Honey what time you gonna be home? Can you be home by 9 and pick me up some food?"

To me calling at 9 and getting this response: "Uh, the rommate and I ate so you can stay there as long as you want. Have fun."

And then me arriving home to him asking if I was angry. No, I'm not angry. I'm confused and hurt, but not angry anymore. I was pretty much numb yesterday too. I thought for sure things would change around. But the most pitiful thing? My most astute observation that both of us are relieved to not spend time with eachother. Sounds sad, but...I was more than happy to take up the karaoke invitation and he leapt at the chance to play his game.

And Mark...he hasn't touched the Playstation 2 yet. At all.

Thank God for Wednesday.

Confusion

That's the emotion of the week, ladies and gentlemen.

I keep mulling things over in my head. The way my husband treats me, the way I feel, going out, finances, work...they just keep turning round and round in my jumbled brain. Sometimes I feel like I should just live with it and other times I feel like crying out of desperation. I know this won't resolve itself, so I've sought professional help.

I think about leaving him and I cry as I envision the hurt look in his eyes. But then I think about staying and being lonely and feel miserable. Fuck!

Being a logical person, I really hate emotional issues. The logic in me knows what to do, but the emotional side of me is a jumble.

I think I just got something...

Part of the reason why I'm frustrated? I have two paths in life right now. One is to settle down, have kids, and just chill out. The other is no kids, and freaking party all the time. Considering option A is out of the picture (thanks to hubby's lack of interest in taking the test), option B is the only option other than sitting at home and staring at the wall.

I think I chose the right option.

Too bad hubby is going for option C.

I'm regressing...

to a 21 years olds life. The past three nights? Nuthin but partying.

Thursday we went to the bar and played pool. (We meaning my work buddies and R&K) Massive amounts of fun were had. They even had entertainment. Some white dude was give the waitress some hassle. She called the bouncer, and the bouncer got in this guys face and told him to leave. The guy wouldn't so the bouncer pushed him into a pinball machine and then kicked his ass out. Then the guy called the cops on the bouncer. Geez!!

Friday was club night. We went to Graham Central Station and karaoked our hearts out. However this evening was even more eventful than the last. Our friends, R&K, offered to drive. K was the DD. We get about a block away from the club when we get pulled over. Because of some mixup at the DMV the cops ended up taking their license plate and we were about an hour away from home. Fortunately one of the other girls we were giving a ride to had her car in the club's parking lot. SO we went to go get it then they took us all home at about 4 in the morning.

Last night, I proposed to drive. Thank goodness we went somewhere a little closer. We eventually talked K into karaok'ing. It was her first time. So she gets up there and belts out a mean "Open Arms" by Journey. She's got the whole room frenzied. The dj jumps up there and starts dry humping her. She makes her goodbye and the goes to leave the stage...then she BIFS it. Major bad sprain. We took her to the ER and spent the rest of the night there. 5 freakin hours. But we were with friends, R&K and Blue, so it wasn't half bad. Just exhausting.

So I must leave again. Having too much fun for my own good.

I'm such a karaoke whore...

For the past two nights, I've gone over to R&Ks to karaoke (well, aside form the fabulous company). I love it! I can't get enough of it. As a matter of fact, I want to bug Blue to share her American Idol karaoke so we can go some more rounds.

Current state of mind is confusion though. I'm trying to feel better. Trying to cheer myself up. Hubby is still fanatically playing video games, thus the going out virtually every night. And I'm tired, Lawd, am I tired!! But I can't help myself. I'm addicted to being happy for right now. I just wish I was happy with hubby. No, like WITH hubby. While we're together. Laughing. Having fun.

*sigh*

Thank Fuucking God for Friends!!

Whew!! Not sure what it is, but I feel like a weight has been lifted. Quite frankly I wouldn't be surprised that part of my depression was due to PMS, but...

Hubby has been taking more responsibility and treating me nicer.
I learned to chill out.
I've spent massive amounts of fun and counseling time with my friends this weekend and today.

Most fun was going over to check on my friend who had the issues this weekend. I work with her boyfriend, so Igave him a ride home and visited with them for FOUR FREAKIN HOURS. May I say, I love friends like this. I could spend hours on end, and have, with people who are just so much fun to be around.

We ate. Looked at pictures. Played video games. Played karaoke. And had scads of fun. I must admit by the end of the night, I wanted to hug them tightly and tell them how truly great they are and show my appreciation for how much better they made me feel.

I seem to be surrounded by wonderful people lately.

I always seem to forget how truly great good friends are.

Okay, enough of the sappy crap.

My Friends Are Too Smart...

My friends really have been good through all this crap. I hate taking over every conversation with what's going wrong in my marriage, but they've been great.

All of my friends have great advice, but one friend I spoke to today had different advice. He mentioned a relationship book he was reading. And the crux of the matter is this:

I've set down an ultimatum with my husband. He's on pin and needles as it is and everything I do is like a test that most likely will end up in failure. He plays games to avoid what he feels is the inevitable, which is me leaving him. He's also starting to distance himself from me, as I have him, to reduce the hurt when the end of the relationship occurs.

Part of the problem is that every moment we have together is fraught with anxiety and letdown. We don't ever just have fun with eachother anymore. His suggestion? I do something that hubby likes to do...not make him go out and do something I like to do...to begin with.

Essentially this is a two way street if I really want the relationship to work. I have my reason, some good and some bad, in support of the destruction of our relationship. But I have many reasons as well to try to patch it up. I'll keep you updated.