Back to Work

Status from this weekend:

• Did really well with water and diet until yesterday apparently. Going to try to completely avoid snacking and stick to cereal and my pb crackers and see if that helps. Perhaps it was my thoughts of Chipotle that threw me over the edge.
• Patience - Ugh! Was completely irritated this weekend by Will. Not sure why. May have been the disgusting bathroom, the overflowing trash, or the attitude that says everything and everyone sucks. Vented to Ricky this morning. I really need to figure out what to do.
• Work - Managed to accomplish some things. Didn't do too badly.

Working on Today

• Diet - Sticking to cereal, pb cracker snack, and almonds. See if that sets it back down.
• Work - Focus on professionalism and take care of my split customers and researching the com project.
• Home - Try to figure out why Will is bothering me so much and be proactive about fixing it.

Goals seem to be working

It worked last time and it seems to be working this time too. I amy not be accomplishing everything but I'm making strides.

Status from yesterday:

• I did lose .4 lbs, so that's good. I increased my water intake and it seemed to have worked (even with a Thai food dinner)
• I did complete two of the three items on my work list from yesterday, so not too bad.
• Patience, I still need to work on. Will has still been driving me nuts and I don't know why. It's like a complete trigger. He's been aggravating about just denying or being negative about everything lately. I just need to get over it. He is who he is and I need to accept it!
• I have been getting uncomfortable. Leaving the windows open in the car rather than a/c. Wearing different shoes, drinking water.

Working on Today:

• Continue to eat cereal and milk. Drink lots of water. Stay away from snacks.
• Work on my patience and acceptance of Will. Start asking him to help more.
• Work on not letting things get to me.
• For work:
• Take care of S for month end
• Take care of E for Free Info
• Take care of M for upgrades
• Take care of J for cloud
• Take care of E for YoH
• Continue to be uncomfortable by using the computer less when at home. Clean for at least an hour.

Insanity Today

Status from yesterday:

• I lost .2 lbs so still going down, just not as fast as I'd hoped.
• I got one thing done yesterday. Need to fix that today.
• I did have fun with Brit, however I did not get laundry done and Ricky made his own dinner.
• Still working on that patience thing. W was driving me nutso this morning.

Working on Today:

• Drinking more water and less snacking. Figure out calories before going out with G'Ma and Josh.
• Tasks at Work that NEED to be done today:
• Free INFO update for A
• Updating the EOM for J
• Doing split update for A
• Work on that patience thing
• Get uncomfortable! I've been lax and I believe that doing this will help!

Focus! Focus! Focus!

Status from yesterday:

- Well I ended up working until midnight and watching movies all day, so much for avoiding technology. Going to refocus today.
- Lost 1.2 lbs! So I'd say staying within calories (was so tempted by pizza) and drinking water worked!
- Stay on top of requests at work: well, I could probably do better. I need to do an update to free info today, a split and a follow up to a question. If I stay focused, I can do this!
- Be a nicer, more giving person. I tried so hard, but ended up blowing up at night. Just another reminder that change doesn't happen overnight. I really need to just relax. Part of my issue with this is my frustration with R's brother. I just feel like he's so negative all the time and takes advantage of the situation. However, perhaps it's time for me to step back and try to understand why he's been acting this way and also realize my impatience probably has somewhat to do with my frustration with myself when I act this way.

Goals for today:

• Stay in calories (with cereal and milk) and drink water the rest of the day (after Diet Coke this morning)
• Work on professionalism at work
• Start focusing on the customer and their needs.
• Take care of B and his premium domains
• Take care of B and E and the free info
• Take care of M and his split
• Take care of J and his split
• Work on my relationships by spending time with Brit tonight. And focusing on my man and his health.
• Make dinner and start laundry before I leave.
• Be more patient, loving, and forgiving.

Distractions

I spend way too much time on computers, email, Facebook/Pinterest. These provide distraction from life. Not that life is bad, but not sure why I've gotten into this dependency on updates. I read an article that said they're like drugs. You're constantly seeking approval from people by watching for updates and comments to your postings. Ugh!

So....overall for the month of August...I have the following goals (let's keep it simple Amy.)

- Lose 10 lbs for the month. (I want this so bad I can taste it. Perhaps that's my issue.)
- Stay on top of requests at work.
- Improve communication skills.
- Limit computer use and television watching. Instead fill up this time with activities with the family, one hour of cleaning per day, and one hour of exercise.
- Be a nicer, more giving person.

Too much? Well I'll try focusing on certain ones during the day.

Today...
- I will drink only one drink of Diet Coke and 4 bottles of water.
- I will eat only 1000 calories of food and no more.
- I will finish my COM/CO request stellarly.
- I will not be distracted by my computer. I will focus on people, not technology.

Baby Steps?

Not sure I know how to do that anymore. I don't know if I attempt to overplan or underplan anymore. My life schedule is always changing between kids, friends, and family. And there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day. But perhaps that's just my perception. I think maybe logging might help me.

Goal for the week: Log time spent.

Focus

Since finding out I was Vitamin D deficient, and taking a pill to help it, I have been able to focus better. I'm still easily tired, but it's not as hard to focus as it used to be. 

So now, I can appropriately react and handle my work, my life, everything. 

Time to revisit my goals and how I'm going to accomplish them. I'll tackle that tonight hopefully. 

Back on track again. Whew!

Honesty

Can you tell I'm struggling to keep it altogether? I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of expectations and tasks to do. I know I'm doing better, but I'm still so far away from what I used to be. I know this is a combination of lack of support and lack of conviction, but I'm still exhausted. I fear I may have some physically issues as well and this weighs me down even more. I'm raging...

Goals Revisited

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Goals

1. Professional
   1. I am a sucessful career woman which people depend on for creative, intuitive, and clear analysis. My reporting focuses on areas that allow management to easily identify issues and successes.
      1. Communication
      2. Creativity
      3. Accuracy
      4. Teamwork
      5. Focus
2. Personal
   1. I am a sexy, healthy, intelligent woman who cares about her family and friends and values healthy relationships above everything else. I take time to take care of myself and my family.
      1. Relationships
         1. I am invested in my relationships by listening and getting involved in my friends and family's lives. Everyone is important to me and I am there to support and love them.
      2. Health
         1. I cook and prepare my family's meals which are low-fat, fresh, and delicious.
         2. I exercise on a regular basis.
         3. I take time for me at least once a week to destress and relax.
      3. Finances
         1. I revisit and stick to my financial plan bi-weekly.
         2. We have savings
      4. Intelligence
         1. I read most days and invove myself in activities that challenge me phycially and mentally.

Time for some new goals...

I'm actually feeling better. Getting more sleep. Starting to gain some headway at work, although, I still need to slow down and take it all in. So, it's time for some new goal setting and maintaining...

In order of importance...

1. My relationships
1. I will look at people when I talk to them and focus on what they are saying. I will empathize and respect their feelings. I will have fun with them. 
2. I will visit my family and friends more often. I value my time with everyone equally. 
2. My health
1.  I will focus on developing a healthy diet for my family. This can only be accomplished by making food from home (breakfast, lunch, and dinner.)
2. I will be more active at home and out. I will involve my family whenever I can.
3. I will drink more water.
3. My career 
1.  I will improve my existing process to (a) make it easy for anyone to run and (b) to validate it is correct data. 
2. I will learn the data inside and out, becoming a master at pulling correct data efficiently. 
3. I will learn new methods for analyzing and reporting data.
4. My finances
1. I will no longer be a slave to my money. I will budget and save our money so that we are not living paycheck to paycheck, but still afford to go out and have fun. 
2. I will keep track of finances daily to ensure we are not overspending. 

A year in review...

Or at least some time back...some of the financial messes we've had to clean up and actually did...

DOC Band $2.8k
Hospital Bills $500
Target Bill $700
Moving $2k
Car Engine $4k
New Dryer $125
TOTAL $10k

Lord knows there will be more, but honestly, we took car of all this between Dec 2011 and Mar 2012. Insane!

Next feat is to pay off the rest of the bills, tackle one last big debt, and get on a steady schedule for the rest of the finances. Whew!

Focusing

Taking a break from OCDing over goals and ToDo lists to focus on work. 

After I get a grasp on it, I'll be back. 

So tired...

Seriously need to stop mixing my blogs...

And who in the heck is reading this? :-) I checked my stats and I saw a lot of hits. Odd. Well whatever floats your boat lol. If your going to read it, I'll give you a better update. 

As a...ugh...36 year old mother of one. I'm in a very stressful yet extremely happy part of my life. I have a significant other who loves me and respects me and treats me as a desirable person. However, due to our current financial situation is very stressed out because he has to watch our child and work at the same time. Which I am horribly grateful for. 

I'm struggling, as most people do, to find a balance between mom, girlfriend, and individual. I feel like individuality right now is at the sacrifice of my own boyfriends free-time. Both of us feel guilty whenever another goes out. 

I feel I can improve at my job, but lack the motivation at all. I went from being the best in my company to being the floundering newbie. And I'm not sure if it's because of the culture or my ineptitude. It's definately been an interesting experience though and I have learned a "few" things. 

I'm struggling with my weight. I've lost a few lbs, but still haven't really restricted myself and taken the dive. I know friends that are doing fantastically and it's all because they put their whole heart into it. 

I guess thats what I struggle with most. I don't put my whole heart into anything lately. I just half-ass it. But I don't have the time to whole-heartedly do everything. So I really need to reprioritize. 

Whew! Well I guess next I will attempt to reprioritize and set my schedule. I really need to finish 7 Habits. Bleh.

Really? 7 Days??

Okay, time to focus up. Choose one or two and prioritize:

My main concern is my professionalism at work and my family's health right now. Okay, and money. Ugh!

So...

Family health: I will be proactive and prepare healthy meals. If I won't be home, it's time to crockpot.

Money: Start sticking to the daily budget. No exceptions.

Work: Start looking at your requests through your requestors eyes. Give them what they want + 20% more.

Catchup

Okay, it's been awhile. So much has happened. We've moved, fixed the car, taken care of some finances, lost poor Pookie. Stress is boundless right now. So I believe I need to add some "me" time or stress relieving habits to my list. Time to revisit again:

• Love and respect for all people: Been getting somewhat better at this. Been more patient and forgiving with Will. I notice I still need to listen more and really get involved in those around me. The stress has taken away all my energy and focus, but I think it's time to get involved again. Action: Look at the person who is talking to you and reiterate what they said slightly varied. Get excited for them.
  
• Patient and appreciate life: Goodness, patience is a big one for me lately! I am so impatient with everyone and everything. I'm not sure why when what am I rushing for? I need to just relax and enjoy. Even home has been a flurry of clean, clean, clean. Action: Redo schedule to focus on relaxing and enjoying and less cleaning.
• I am healthy and my family is healthy: I've been cooking at home more often and eating better. However, I really need to focus on making a menu and sticking with it. Action: Make a menu with breakfast, lunch, and dinner on Saturday, and make sure every meal has a vegetable and fruit. Focus on diabetic friendly meals.
  
• I am passionate and enjoy life: I think I've been getting better at this too. Not making excuses to stay at home. Been going out with friends more often. I think we'll take more of a direct approach for this one. Action: Take pictures of everything!
• I am professional and creative at work: Another difficult one. I'm finding it hard to get really excited about work. I'm in this fog and getting very close to talking to a therapist or doctor about it. Need to focus again and stay sharp and enjoy work. How do I do this? Action: Develop mission and goals for work. Get focused. Review 7 Habits.
  
• I am proactive in dealing with conflict: Need to refocus on this again. I was doing so well and then finances went in the crapper. Action: Schedule time to call debt collectors. Avoid email and voice mail for communication.
  
• I have my finances under control: Weelll, budgeting has gotten better. Spending has not. However, in the past three months we have spent $2500 on a DOC Band, $3800 on a new engine, $900 (minus 400 from Will) on a rental car, XMas spending, ~$400 on moving expenses, $130 on a dryer....so yeah. I supposed I can give us a little leeway on that one. Action: Stick to budget.
  

And most importantly...review this every day. That really is the most important step.

I did it!

I mustered up my courage and finally called on a creditor that I was so dreading. Of course, now I have to do this a couple more times, but finances are much better in check. Perhaps I should pull out cash for each week, to ensure we don't go over.

So let's review all the goals today:

- Love and respect for all people: Well I have been trying to be less nagging and more respectful of Will and Ricky. I still need to work on it though. My exhaustion is affecting my overall interactions with people and I need to relax and enjoy life better. Next step: Make eye contact with people more.

- Patient and appreciate life: Oh goodness, well I suppose Riddles does help me work on my patience. However, I need to be more patient and relaxed in general. Perhaps this is the goal I should focus on next.

- I am healthy and my family is healthy: Well, I have been cooking more often as well as trying to get Ricky to eat healthier. I love that man and want to spend as many years possible with him. next step: menu planning.

- I am passionate and enjoy life: Yeah, need to totally work on this one. Especially after the move. I have not been thoroughly enjoying life like I should. Perhaps I'll arrange a date night with Ricky. At least we get to go out St Pattys Day.

- I am professional and creative at work: I have been improving in this area, however I really need to get out of this fog I have and focus on details. Maybe I can Google some ways to accomplish this.

- I am proactive in dealing with conflict: Yay! Actual improvement here. Still need to make a couple of calls, but working on this and doing well.

- I have my finances under control: Since dealing with conflict has been better, so has finances. Yay! Should be doing much better in a month or so!!

So next steps: (wow, this is really working)
- Enjoy life ultimately. Try to make things more fun and actually interact with people more. Take an interest in them. No talking about you or Riddles until you've talked about 3 different subjects with them.
- Cook at home 5 days out of 7 of the week. Doesn't have to be elaborate, just healthy. Must include at least one veggie.
- Find a way to better budget flexible daily spending.
- Find a way to get out of the fog at work. Check and double-check. Take your time.

Weight: 191.4
Mood: Sick

Well I've had a sore throat over the past few days. Not sure when it's actually going to hit me, but considering I gained less than a lb over the weekend, I'm okay with it. I ate all my extra points for the week so it should be loss from here on out. Especially with moving. I'll be so glad when the next two weeks are over and done with.

Goals, what goals?

Actually I am doing better in these.

I've been calling and talking to Wells Fargo, the repair shop, the utility places. I'm getting it all done. Not to mention really trying to focus and get things done at work. I think I've been doing better with that too.

"I have my finances under control including debts, savings, and have the ability to budget to travel twice a year with my family."

Good Lord! I'm doing the best that I can with this. I have kind of put off talking to people but only because I'm waiting to hear about Wells Fargo. That changes the whole game plan. But I do have one.

"I love and respect all people I interact with."

I feel like I am getting better with this. The girls are coming over tonight so I'm really going to focus on having a good night with them.

Reschedule my life

I think I've actually gotten better on my goals. Although, I need to step it up now. I've been doing bare minimum and I could be doing much better.

For example, in regards to my family's health, I need to step it up and exercise, and cook. I did quit smoking, lord help me, but now it's time to make some more changes.

I also need to keep a better house and stay on top of those finances.

I can do this. I know I can. Especially if my LO can manage to stay on schedule at night now. I can do a once a night wake up and accomplish what I need to accomplish during the day.

Going to kick ass this month

Deviating from my usual goals...well not really. Because I'm dealing with conflict and not procrastinating.

Things I need to do:
- Get the 401k withdrawal approved to pay towards the 3.5k car fix. Process that as quickly as possible and ask the mechanic to wait for the $$ before starting repairs.

- Pack like crazy. Which means trying to find boxes everywhere including UHaul.

- Notify the previous landlords we'll be out on the 4th. Notify utilities that we need a setup. Pay all deposits and rent to new landlord.

I'm gonna take care of this LIKE A BOSS. And take care of my men at the same time. Booyah!

Goal Update

What I Appreciate:
- I appreciate that I have a job
- I appreciate that I have an issue eating less not more
- I appreciate my supportive family and friends

Goals:
I am healthy and support my family in being healthy through cooking, activities, and going to the doctor when needed.

From now on, it's South Beach for me and my family.

What I Appreciate

I appreciate the fact that I have the money to pay off my debts.

I appreciate the fact that I have a boyfriend who is understanding about having less money while we take care of everything, even if he is stressed.

I'm appreciative of the fact that i have the opportunity to get better at everything I do.

I appreciate having friends and family that enjoy being with us.

I appreciate that my life is really a whole lot better than I actually think it is.

Shoot...

Been kinda busy I guess. Okay, let's focus!

Okay, I'm picking this one:

"I am proactive in dealing with conflict and problems."

I am horrible at this. So, I'm making a task(s) right now. I will call my financial issues and resolve them. Friday. Tomorrow damn it.

I guess that goes along with this one:

"I have my finances under control including debts, savings, and have the ability to budget to travel twice a year with my family."

Okay, those are some big ones. I'll talk to Ricky tonight and figure out what can be done. Bleh!

Man!

I really need to work on this one:

"I am patient and appreciate every moment of every day."

I completely blew up on Ricky yesterday for upsetting my sleep schedule with Riddles. Being so tired affects everything I do (and don't do.) So time once again, to work on my loving and forgiving skills.

"I am healthy and support my family in being healthy through cooking, activities, and going to the doctor when needed."

Seriously need to work on this. Riddles is not on a meal schedule. I'm only watching calories and I have not cooked for quite a few days. Between Rickys practice, Riddles poor sleep schedule and my work/packing the house, I'm exhausted. Perhaps I just need PMA. Anyway, need to work on a schedule.

Work Related

I have the opportunity to really shine, however I fear that i will do this project and then my boss will negate all my hard work with an update of his own. *sigh*

Anyway, had fun last night with the girls, however had to put Riddles down and finish work. However, I focused on dinner conversation and also on conversation after. Will need to focus on getting my work done early after I get the art of mastering it on time. I can do this!

Focus for today:

"I stick to budget voraciously. I do not spend money without checking my budget first."

Of course Ricky blew that out of the water with his spend fest last night. And we bought Riddles his bumblebee. But I reviewed finances and we're back on track. I just need to pay bills and adhere to a budget today (through next paycheck.)

"I drink water every day. I no longer smoke. I track my calories on MFP and stick to my diet. I do not eat without tracking it first."

Water. Got it. Going to refill my bottle right ....now.

Goooaaaalllllssss

I seem to be doing pretty good with them. I've been packing/cleaning for an hour once a day, sticking to my weight loss, doing better with interacting with people in general, and getting better feedback from my boss.

I however, need to be better about confronting people when in an uncomfortable position. This Thursday is a perfect example. We're meeting our new landlord about the animals and I'm highly worried about it. Not sure why I can't just put my feelings aside about it, but I'm highly nervous. Why? Not sure. Perhaps I need to think these things through and play my empathy card. I know the guy is probably worried about it, but I doubt he thinks we're trying to get one over on him. And I need to stop trying to cater to everyone. I need to start listing out things mentally in my mind what I will and won't do.

So on to what I will work on today:

"I am passionate and enjoy life, including my interactions with friends and family and my relationship with my boyfriend."

Tonight is GNI (girls night in) and I really need to focus on enjoying time with my girlfriends as opposed to thinking about what needs to be done around the house. I'm very bad at being distracted. Need to focus tonight.

I also need to focus on Ricky. I haven't gotten to spend too much 'un-tired' time with him and I need to focus on the fact that he is amazing and I need to do everything in my power to make sure he's happy with us. Not to mention the fact, to enjoy him and his body wholeheartedly.

"I am professional and creative at work. I always strive to excel through knowledge and creativity."

I ahven't been to tek-tips lately. I think I'll visit today.

So tired...

For some reason it's very hard to appreciate or fully enjoy anything when you are heavily sleep deprived. However, here it goes:

• I love the fact that although my SO and I can argue at 2 in the morning on how to raise our child, once we've gotten past the hard part, we joke and make up realizing that the stress is not part of our relationship and we love eachother more than that.
• I love the fact that my SO doesn't even hesitate to help out with Riddles, jumping out of bed when I tell him it's "his turn" at 2 a.m.
• I love the fact that my boss gave me an interesting report that I'm enjoying doing analysis on and that I may have finally grasped a process to help me put these together.

I am proactive in dealing with conflict and problems.

• I need to research and find out best methods to get Riddles to sleep especially while we're going through all this.
  
• I also need to get off my butt and start packing. I need to realize that friends will be over, but I have 29 days to get everything together.
  

Damn bread!

Weight: 192.2
Mood: A little frustrated and super tired

Riddles was up from 2-4 this morning. Both Ricky and I tried to get him back down but it took forever! Thinking he's going through his next developmental leap. Oh joy.

Anyway, that bread took its toll. Gained .6 and not happy about it. I'm sure I can get down to 190 by Saturday though. At least I've managed to reduce my plateau to 192 as opposed to 195. Yay!

Feeling Better at Work

My boss assigned me another report and he sounded confident about my skills, so I'm feeling a bit better. Need to now be professional and creative about it. Best way to go about that is sit down and draw out what I need. I really need to bring a notebook in. This would help immensely.

"I am passionate and enjoy life, including my interactions with friends and family and my relationship with my boyfriend."

I think it's time to focus on this. I'm so distracted by everything that needs to be done. Ricky even asked if I still found him attractive today and I feel horrible about that. It's just that I'm so exhausted and taking care of Riddles by the time I get home. I know I haven't felt sexy lately too so that doesn't help. My sex life is non-existent compared to what we used to do. I need to realize that my relationship is by far more important than all the stuff I have 'to do'. And focus on taking care of it first in addition to really feeling passionate about things again. I'm sure at this point it's just me being tired.

So much for doing this in the morning...

Well I do feel a little bit better about my professionalism and creativity at work, however I still have a lot of work to go. I feel foggy and apathetic a lot of the time, so I really do need to get motivated. Same for a lot of areas in my life. Probably pretty much just from being exhausted all the time.

So I guess I need to work on not being exhausted. Good luck to me with that with work, the baby, and the move coming up. I'm thinking the key word here is delegation. Just need to figure out what to delegate. Will has been an immense help as well as Ricky. So just need to keep on top of that.

I actually cooked yesterday and intend to more often. However, enough of how I have been doing, lets get to my action plan...

Most importantly I really need to focus on appreciate being in the moment and appreciate those around me.

Ricky is a great example. I find myself continuing criticizing or judging, and it's really more of a reflection of my inadequacies than anything else. That boy really does try his best to be a great boyfriend, friend, and father. He's fantastic with Riddles and he helps always without complaining at all every time. He has faith that Riddles can do things I don't even think of.

Will is another good example. Yes, there are things that bug me but honestly who doesn't have quirks that annoy the hell out of you? Fact is Will is there quite a bit when we need him. He may slip on some things, but if I were to ask him outright he's pretty good about helping out.

I just need to make sure everyone in my life knows they are appreciated and needed.

Reporting

I am professional and creative at work.

I am going to kick ass at creating my gift card report. I'm going to build a nice, concise summary that makes sense and reflects the negative and positive aspects of this product. I can do this.

As a side note, I think it would be a good idea to address these goals BEFORE the start of a day. That way I can tackle things such as drinking water.

Goal Check

I am healthy and support my family in being healthy through cooking, activities, and going to the doctor when needed.
Weight and dieting has been ridiculous. I have stayed the same except for yesterday in which I gained .5 lbs because I splurged on a burger and fries and corn. I think it's time for a fasting to reset my body.

I am passionate and enjoy life, including my interactions with friends and family and my relationship with my boyfriend.
Tonight we have a show. Will has agreed to watch Riddles tonight and I have a great tendency to want to stay at home tonight. However, I'm going to let go. Talk to Vicki on the way to the show, and kick back and relax and enjoy my friendships and my relationship tonight. Ricky called me out on being on my computer too much the other night and he's right, I will be spending less time looking at a screen and more time actually interacting with people.

Stop and Smell The Roses
Well, a lot has happened this week. I'm glad we could figure out a way to move. I do love to organize and clean. Riddles has actually broken a tooth and is doing pretty well with it. We have an action plan to address finances. And Ricky and I actually had sex last night even though I had not anticipated it at all.

Eating Healthier...check!

I did eat two apples yesterday. And a lot of black beans. Hmmmm, which reminds me. I was going to fast today, but I think probably eating healthier would just be better. Good thing I'm revisiting my goals.

So...I think perhaps the best way to tackle this is to select a goal and focus on it for the day. I will also tackle my rule of being more appreciative.

Goal: I am professional and creative at work. I always strive to excel through knowledge and creativity.

Well I suppose I can work on this by achieving all my goals for today even though I have to leave at 4 pm. I will work on a game plan before coding and creating. I will also contact the requestors.

I will also communicate more with my teammates and coworkers today.

Goal: I am patient and appreciate every moment of every day.

I am ecstatic that Pete called us and we can finally resolve the house issue. I am happy that I have been getting back on task with my own tasks. I am appreciative that Will helps out with Riddles. I am appreciative of the fact that I have friends I can blow off steam with. I am appreciative of the that that although I am not losing as quickly as I'd like, I have lost and been keeping off that weight. I am appreciative that I have a boyfriend that put up with my attitude. :-)

Appreciating what I have

I have set a reminder for me to "stop and smell the roses". I will set it for every couple hours throughout the day to remind me to stop and appreciate what I have and live in the moment.

So....

I'm appreciative of my boyfriend who stays at home and watched our baby every day. Without him we'd be wondering what Riddles life is like at daycare and he surely would not have been brought up in an amazing environment full of love and attention.

I'm appreciative that I have the ability to try out working in a fast paced environment to see if I like it and I have what it takes. I'm fortunate enough to have worked my way up to have a job in the field I chose and money to support my family.

I'm appreciative that rather than sticking myself in the same group of people, I sought change and now am meeting and have the opportunity to build relationships with different people who are driven and passionate about their work.

Mission and Goals

Okay, so I need to have a better way to track and accomplish my mission and goals. Not to mention I really have not had time to read and update lately. So why not do mission and goals and accomplishments here?

Mission (What I Achieve To Be)

To be an awesome and passionate girlfriend, mother, friend, worker, and overall person.

Objectives (How I'll Be That Way)

• I love and respect all people I interact with.
  
• I am patient and appreciate every moment of every day.
  
• I am healthy and support my family in being healthy through cooking, activities, and going to the doctor when needed.
• I am passionate and enjoy life, including my interactions with friends and family and my relationship with my boyfriend.
  
• I am professional and creative at work. I always strive to excel through knowledge and creativity.
• I am proactive in dealing with conflict and problems.
  
• I have my finances under control including debts, savings, and have the ability to budget to travel twice a year with my family.
  

Action Plan (How I Intend To Get There)

• Each day I write down what I appreciate about the people in my life and my situation.
• I set a reminder to "stop and smell the roses" every day.
  
• I drink water every day. I no longer smoke. I track my calories on MFP and stick to my diet. I do not eat without tracking it first.
  
• I cook 5 out of 7 days out of the week.
  
• I aggressively schedule and follow through on doctors appointments for my family.
  
• I visit friends and family weekly.
  
• I go out of my way to make all my friend and family feel accepted and loved and interesting.
• I do whatever it takes to get my projects done on time and professionally.
  
• I stay on top of current events within my field.
  
• I do not procrastinate and deal with people verbally or in person.
  
• I stick to budget voraciously. I do not spend money without checking my budget first.
  

I know this seems like a lot to bit off and chew but if I revisit this each day and make tasks, I know I can accomplish my goals!

What would people say at my funeral?

It's a very morose topic, however very appropriate for Covey's 7 Habits.

So you should choose several people...I chose: R-SO, J-Boss, S-Friend.

R-SO
"A was the most important person in my life. She was there for me in good and bad. I could always rely on her to cheer me up when things were rough and take care of whatever was worrying us. She treated me and everyone she knew with respect and passion. No matter what I did, she was always there to support me and Newt. She was a fantastic mother and made sure Newt felt nothing but love, acceptance, and encouragement from both of us. A and I were a team who took on everything together including raising Newt, managing Prague, and just having fun together. I'll miss her immensely. I love you A"

J-Boss
"A was an exemplary employee. She was excited to dig in and make sure that our customers not only got what they wanted, but what they needed. She was great at identifying opportunities for improvement and improving them. Because of her, we have a cohesive team that knows the data inside and out and develops new methods for pulling and reporting data every day. We've constantly used A's analysis for presentations and media spots. We'll miss her excitement and creativeness."

S-Friend
"The thing I loved most about A was her ability to always be there for everyone and respect everyone's uniqueness. A was always ready to jump in and have fun. If you needed anything anytime, she was always there. She could always give you great advice about anything in life and be there to support you no matter what decisions you made. If you needed to go out and have fun, A was your girl. But if you needed someone to stay in and just talk, she was there for you too. I'll miss you sweetie."

Proactivity

Some quotes from my 7 Habits book:

• Be a light, not a judge
• Be a model, not a critic
• Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
• Don't argue for other people's weaknesses. Don't argue for your own.
• When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it-immediately.
• Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation.
• If you start to think the problem is "out there", stop yourself.
  

So I'm really going to start working on my PMA. Stop judging and getting frustrated and work on better ways to respond to events and people. Really start thinking about what it is that I'm getting frustrated about and see if there is an alternative.

First day of South Beach

Weight: 201.4
Mood: Slightly aggravated, but optimistic


Why? Well I had hoped (although not expected) that I would be at least slightly under 201.0 (my weight from yesterday). However, I feel a few things MAY have influenced this small jump: I fasted Tuesday, therefore probably making my body hold onto any food I had the next day, I did not exercise, I had a lot of salt in my meals, and I did not drink as much water as I should have. 


I'm hoping it is one of these things. Plus I realized that at least for the morning I did not stick to the lowfat meats and cheeses. So I'm going to try to stick  with that today. 


TODAYS MENU
Breakfast:Yogurt, cream cheese and celery, coffee w/ creamer
Lunch: Caesar salad w/ chicken, edemame, carrots (?)
Dinner: Turkey burger, edemame, Caesar salad dressing


MFP says I need to eat more calories. If I don't lose from today, I probably will bump them up even though I didn't feel hungry yesterday and I don't plan on starving myself today. We'll see...

Circle of Influence

We are responsible to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances. -- Stephen R Covey

I definitely need to take on this mentality. Although I feel in control of my circumstances, most of time is spent working on things so they'll be better in the future. I don't spend much time in the here and now making things better.  I make a lot of excuses for any reason why I'm not happy today or right now. "Once I pay off my debts...", "Once I lose my weight...","Once I get a new job..." I'm spending way too much time not working on what I can influence now.

One thing I have started working on is my weight. I fasted Monday and feel great. I started the South Beach diet and feel better and sexier.

Although, yes, it's going to take some time to work out things financially, I need to identify what will make me and SO happy with what we have today.

My job is clearly within my own power to achieve. I know what's holding me back and I'm working on improving those. I feel the analysis I just put together was much better than ones I have been creating. My only drawback right now is my communication with my customers and also my ability to query efficiently. I can and will improve those areas starting tomorrow.

I really need to look at what is going on in my life and tackle them. Therefore, at this moment I will sign off and spend some time with my SO...

Ta, ta for now!

I guess it's been awhile

Trying to get better about posting but I have a blog for eating and for Riddles, so...yeah. Busy times.

Haven't had the chance to read, but I think I'm improving with work and at home. Of course, I have a cold right now, so all things considered, I'm doing okay.

Problem is I think I focus too much on things that aren't as important, like cleaning house or doing work, and less on things that are, like spending quality time with my SO and also listening and talking to him. That's my goal for this week. To really focus on my relationship. I think we get so focused on picking up towels or sharing the workload or managing finances that we forget about the truly important things sometimes, like focusing on what's truly important to our loved ones and providing that.

Negative Attitude

When did this happen to me? When did I get so lethargic, apathetic, and lazy?

I've had a lot of changes in my life, but notably in my professional life, I just don't give a damn anymore. Of course, some of this stems from the utter exhaustion I had at my last job. I was damn good at what I did, however ended up so busy I almost had a breakdown.

So I left that mess, and ended up at a competitive company as small fish again. The first few months went okay, and then my frustration over several things made me apathetic and slow.

Now, I have a lot of things going on (as usual.) I have a new baby to take care of, the boyfriend and I are working through some issues (making progress) and focusing on spending more quality time together, I have a messy house, a messy body, and to top it all off, I have a career to deal with.

I just need to get back into a groove again. Get motivated. Get moving. I've been trying to for awhile but it felt like each time I 'thought' I made progress, I took two steps back. Not sure if this is what I want to do anymore, but regardless it IS what I'm currently doing so I need to get moving and get organized and get motivated.

Ugh.

Reading

I have two things I'm reading right now and I intend to comment on each of them every day. Sort of a way to get me to think, but also act.

First book is The Female Fat Cell - Post Pregnancy (FFC-PP).

From what I've read so far, I really need to embrace my body and appreciate it for all the wonderful things it's done for me. Of course, every day I probably curse my body. But I only seem to be focused on the weight right now. I do have to say that I am skinnying up, without the weight loss. I can tell my body is changing almost daily. However, I still have a goal of fitting into my old clothes (which may never happen, but a girl can dream.) Yes, I love my body. It gives me pleasure with my boyfriend, it feels delicious to sleep or take a warm bath, it still moves for me and has amazingly taken quite a bit of abuse from me. Actually I think at this point I have two goals really. First to lose 20 lbs. Sorry, not going to give that up. And 2ndly to feel good again. I'm tired and achy all the time. I need to focus on healthy eating and exercise to get past that. So I guess first action, is to love the skin I'm in. I need to see myself as sexy again regardless of my size.

2nd book - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (7H)

I've already posted on this book and will be posting more shortly. I have been attempting to remind myself to be proactive. I think it's working. My mind frame seems to be much better and less negative lately.

Be proactive

So in my relentless pursuit of constantly trying to improve myself, I've decided to read at night and during lunch, books and articles to help me further my intelligence and general happiness in life.

Who knows if it will help, but hey, a girl can try.

So at work, during lunch, I'm starting with an oldie but a goodie. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". Now I've heard some counter-arguments to this author's many contributions to self-improvement however, what I've read so far seems to make common sense.

I'm on the first step...Be Proactive.

Essentially the idea is that I have control of my own responses to what happens to me. Which I am a FIRM believer of. Of course, trying to fight old habits can be difficult at times. Last weekend, after thinking I had made a tremendous amount of progress NOT blowing up, of course, I blew up. It was a situation in which I was frustrated and the same situation had repeated itself. Who knows, I may still be the fool in this circumstance, but what choice do I have?

Anyway, major tangent later, I do believe that I have the choice to feel however I feel. I think even down to being tired (which is a big excuse in my general demeanor) can be challenged. Of course, I would really, REALLY like some sleep right now, but my mind is bound and determined to keep me going (I've scheduled workout time tonight with a friend).

Bleh.

Anyway...next 60 days...be proactive, not reactive.

(Why do I feel that tomorrow will be a post on how I wasn't able to accomplish this and blew up yet again? Good thing there are do-overs.)

So Emotional Lately

I know I've been through quite a bit in the past two weeks (and honestly still going through quite a bit), but who knew that give birth would hit you so emotionally? I mean the hormones raging through my system having me crying at the most inappropriate times. It really does suck.

Couple that with the fact that anytime I feel the slightest bit of concern over anything, my heart goes overboard with it. I would just like to get back to the usual logical person that I usually am. Or rather was before pregnancy.

Of course, it makes it hard when I'm stuck inside all day. Tethered to my little man, while although very much enjoyable, can be tedious and exhausting. I'd take him around but quite honestly I don't trust my leg enough to do it.

I guess I need to just realize that the situation is temporary and soon I'll be back to my physical self and be able to go out again.

New Start

Well needless to say, life has made a turn for the interesting. I now have a family that includes my boyfriend, my dog and my son. How odd to say "my son". I still don't feel like a "mommy." Just exhausted. Well, tired, not really exhausted.

So this is the time for new beginnings. A time to learn a new way to live. Try to keep my relationship happy and exciting. Try to get my butt moving and lose the weight again. Try to get focused on learning new tools to do my job. Try to rebuild my relationships with family and friends.

I'm doing better today physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's only gets better from here, right?

New start?

So many things have happened since I last posted. And from what I see, I was pretty much in the same frame of mind last time I wrote...

I'm not cranky, so much as just bitchy and opinionated a lot of the time. I'm thinking I picked this up from the boys as we're always in a verbal sparring match most of the time. I know I have an ability to pick up whatever character traits surround me, so I really need to work on getting back to my old optimistic self.

I'll have an interesting time of turning myself around. I have at most 5 weeks until I give birth to my son (such an odd thing to say.) Then I'll be home for about 9-10 weeks. Then back to work.

I've been so focused on the baby and my relationship lately, that I really haven't given any time to myself. Quite honestly I don't have much to complain about. I work at a well-known company, getting paid a decent amount of money and receiving good benefits (they're the reason why I can take so long for maternity leave.) My boss has been supportive even though I've only been here a year. I have finances I need to take care of, but we're still able to enjoy life and do the things we want. I have incredible friends who are willing to help out at the drop of a hat, and have enjoyed the new experience of being a band manager.

On top of all that, I have an incredible relationship with someone who is verbally and physically supportive and affectionate. We enjoy each other and have been through quite a bit. He's stuck with me and Ridley, and now we have to figure out a whole new dynamic once the baby comes. (Although that seems to be our MO, I don't think we've ever had a steady time of things.)

So the question now is, with all this wonderful stuff and people, what am I going to do to make me happy with myself?

Well I really have been disappointed with my general outlook in life. I've been very pessimistic and kind of lazy. It's time to be optimistic and have fun in life again. I need to remove the barrier I've put up between me and other people. Every time I visit a friend or family, I regret that I didn't interact more. Be more joyous, more involved. I guess I need to figure out the things that are truly important and why and fixate on those.

Secondly, I need to get motivated at work again. This is a good environment to grow my skills, just need to be more proactive about it. I can do this, I just need to ask for help more often and stop getting stuck on being intimidated by the people and the work.

Of course, I guess a month before giving birth is a tough time to accomplish a lot, perhaps that will be my first move. Not to be so hard on myself and others. I definitely need to be more forgiving.

Work and Attitude

I've been a bit cranky lately. Okay, that's putting it mildly...I've been a bit bitchy lately. Negative. I keep criticizing everything and everyone I come across. If not verbally aloud then internally. And it's driving me nuts. Why am I like this? I keep trying to figure it out but well perhaps it has a lot to do with work. I get no communication from my boss (or much others). Communication is mostly over MOC or email, and when I am communicated to it's usually about something I did wrong or need to improve. That will wear on someone. It's not an overtly aggressive environment, more passive aggressive. So when you're surrounded by that, what do you do?

Okay, let's see if I can stick to this...

I have two goals with this journal right now: vetting out my personal goals and tribulations and work on educating myself by reading articles and discussing them. I know, both of these are very selfish goals, however that's what a personal diary is all about. I'm not posting for you, sorry to say, but posting for me.

Okay that's about 90% true. I write to entertain you too, just because this is public and I don't want you to be bored if you run across my entries. I'm such a panderer.

So what's my main concern in life? I would have to say my outlook at this point. I've noticed a growing trend in general towards complaining or sarcasm on everything in life. It's a bit tiresome and not too respectful of others in general. I can understand a general need for humor in life, however the underlying point given in our humor and opinions lately seems to branch to, "You're dumb, I know better."

Okay, so my opinion differs from quite a few others out there. I admit my initial reaction to anything Glenn Beck says is pretty much, "Wow, really? You're a moron." But also admittedly, although I may disagree with him, he's human as well and for me to just dismiss his arguments with a blanket statement regarding his personality is neither helping me to grow as an individual, him in understanding my general disagreement with his argument, or others in being able to see that I'm actually an intelligent human being who has independent and coherent thought without lowering my arguments down to, "yeah, well, you're just a doodoo head."

Cause ultimately, isn't that what we're doing when we say things like that? There's really no argument back to that except, "Wow, you're a moron too if you can't come up with a better counter-point than likening me to someone who has actual mental issues."

So, bearing that in mind, I will approach all events and opinions with respect towards my fellow man. I will approach every moment in life as an opportunity to improve and learn about people and things.

Now comes the hard part...remembering to do it.

I'm unsettled

For some reason I'm just not happy right now. I mean, in some aspects I am. I'm very happy in my relationship. And I'm happy when I'm doing band stuff, but there seems to be a general malaise about me right now.

First of all, I seem numb to most things. If I'm focused on one thing, I ignore all others. I know happiness 100% of the time if totally unfeasible, but I'm just unsettled about how I feel right now.

I do have several things I can pinpoint my anxiousness about. My weight for one. I haven't been this heavy in quite sometime and I just can't seem to lose it. As I get older, my habits seem to be more concrete and accomplishing new goals (whether I've attempted them before or not) seems much more difficult.

My new job is another. While I do like the people and the company, to do my job is akin to pulling teeth. Queries run forever and data is oddly organized. I love looking at data, but a majority of my time is spent trying to manipulate queries and find data. It makes for an exhausting day.

Of course, my car upsets me to. It's getting to 80k now and I've never had such issues with a newer car. For a BMW it's really turned to crap quickly. I've already socked thousands of dollars into it for repairs and I don't relish investing more.

Last but not least is my finances. I have most of it square away except for one thing. It looms over me like a cloud. I know I need to handle it soon but I dread the outcome.

I suppose I should chip away at those. We'll see what rememdies I can find to those issues.

It's time to document my life again

I have so many things going on and so many thoughts about everything.

First of all, I'm now working for an internet company. A very well to do one. I enjoy it here, however everything is brand new to me which makes things awkward. I suffer from newbie syndrome in which I flub up, however, I feel part of this is due to my lack of training. It pretty much consisted of "There's the tables...go at it." It's amazing how many things I learn in life by watching others and saying to myself, "Remember not to do that." For instance, I would couple a new person up with someone else. I somewhat had this my first month, but my "buddy" decided to relocate to another department. Which has now left me floundering. So now I find myself repeating each day, "Don't worry, it'll get better...you'll get better. Beside what are you going to do? Quit?"

Secondly, I have someone new in my life. They make me very happy. I am still tentative to say this as what I say could affect other people. I do't know if my ex still reads my blog, however, I suppose I can't hide who I am or what I do for the rest of my life. I still am somewhat confused about everything only in that I was raised religiously one way and my religion would condemn my lifestyle now, only because I am not with my ex-husband. He was a good person, however we were just two different people with different needs. Every day I hope he is doing well and has found his own happiness.

Third, well, life has certainly changed and picked up. I have new friends, new activities, pretty much a whole new life. I miss certain things about my old life, like my kitty. Onyx (who is the namsake of this blog) has passed away. I miss him immensely. I still have Casper though, shy and reclusive although he is. I have a new cat which drives me nuts...Pookie. A 9 year old rescue cat from the Humane Society who seems to think she gets rewarded Pounce for each headbutt and affectionate bite she gives. I also have a new puppy, Rio. A lapdog with endless energy. She has been my companion through rough times which include more than just the usual stress.

My roommates consist of three brothers, all which keep me well grounded yet enjoying life. Will is an eternal fountain of youth. He shows me the energy and optimism of life. It's funny to grow older and watch people repeat the same steps, decisions and issues you had at their age. Bry is the creative of the group, and with that he shares the same sensitivity and passion as many other artists. I enjoy his passion for everything in life, and mostly his ability to focus on what he really loves to do which is music. Ricky is a dichotomy. He loves communism, yet seeks the fruit of capitalism. He tried to come off as a hard-ass, but his sensitive nature comes through more than he'd like it to.

Bry and Ricky are both in a band. It's an amazing venture and I love every minute of going to shows, watching them record, and doing promotional stuff. This is just a small description of my life right now. The rest is for later...

Time for a Change

I wonder how many times people say that over the course of their lives?

Well, it is. I feel it. Not like a resounding boom of a change, but a small inching change towards becoming the person I should be...I want to be.

All my life, I've attached to people. Attached to people heavily. Well, not people but one person. I become immersed in being involved in that person, making them happy, being with them. Sort of like the Runaway Bride. I know how I like my eggs, but otherwise, I don't have much of my own life anymore.

Recent developments in my life are changing that.

I'm starting to feel the change. When I catch my reflection in a mirror or glass, I notice me. I notice myself as an adult, as a woman, as strong, as an individual.

I hope this sticks, because I've worked too damn hard all my life to become less than a happy, interdependent woman. Hopefully, I'll find myself, and THEN I can find that person to share my happiness with.

Ever post things where you know people won't read them?

I miss you mom. I miss waiting til midnight.

Epiphany

No, I didn't have one. Well...perhaps a small one. However, what I'm talking about is that standard scene in a film or a book in which the main character has an epiphany about their life and everything changes and improves from that moment on.

I'm here to tell you life doesn't work that way.

It's more of a an outward progression made in circles and valleys. You have an epiphany, you make a change, you falter. You dust yourself off or have another epiphany, you make a change, you falter. However, during this process you fall a little bit less harder each time, and eventually you realize that the end goal is in sight.

I'm hoping that's the road I'm on right now. I faltered big time. I fell hard. And I keep falling. But I'm also realizing that I'm not falling as often. And picking myself up seems to come easier and easier. I realize I still have a few big obstacles in my future. But in all honesty, I'm looking forward to them. Encountering them is what is going to ultimately make me a stronger person in the long run.

Just for me

Oh goodness...where the mind wanders...

I am not the same person I was three years ago. Not even a year ago.

I'm horribly self conscious. Self deprecating. Self loathing. Depressed. Unmotivated.

I have my moments. (Usually when I'm not smoking.) Moments when I get ff my ass and do something. Why, starting my blog again, is at least a step in the right direction. But honestly, how did I allow myself to get to this position?

I constantly question myself. My sanity. My intelligence. My looks.

It's time to stop. It's time to respect myself again. My needs, my wants, my self.

I know I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm loving. I'm caring.

I just need to tap into that inner core. Remove that bad crust and dig into that inner beauty that once reflected out.

Okay, so I guess it's not enough to say it. I don't care how many times you have an epiphany...it doesn't work like the movies where suddenly you see the light and everything is fixed. Once your aware, you have to take the steps to make habits. So, hmmm, what would be a good step 1?

Stop smoking I think. Oddly enough, I've noticed my smoking not only taking a physical toll, but an emotional one as well. When I'm not smoking, I'm full of energy, and awareness. So perhaps my physical health should be first. This will involve:
1) Stop smoking for 2 days
2) Drink 4 glasses of water every day for a week
3) Do yoga every day for a week

This seems reasonable, yes? I feel better already.

Maybe it's time to start posting again...

I haven't posted due to MANY things going on in my life. I know that usually I've been the kind of blogger that can blog about anything, but some things just can't be blogged at the time it happens.

So what has brought me out of my Blogging slumber?

A few articles, notes, responses, blogs about "nice" guys.

You've probably seen the rants. A "nice" guy has been jilted by a girl who decided to date a "douchebag". According to said nice guy, she's a heartless bitch that doesn't know what's good for her. So, as a girl who has turned down a few "nice" guys, let me offer some more insight into why...

First of all, don't ever pass judgment or belittle someone for not dating or falling in love with another person. There's a reason why "plenty of fish in the sea" exists as a term. We are all different people, with different needs and wants and preferences. If you don't have chemistry with a person, you shouldn't be forced to or asked to explain yourself. It's just not there. Respect that person and move on to another person who WILL reciprocate. You deserve the best, which means not bargaining for affection and love.

Next, an explanation as to why a girl is not turned on by the nice guy. Honestly, there are many reasons, but most importantly, there's no excitement. I've dated quite a few nice guys and believe me, I've always wanted to feel passionate about them. Knew they were good guys. Tried repeatedly to date them, hoping the spark would show up, but either (A) it wasn't the right time or (B) we never really did anything that made me feel more than amicable. No heated debates, no sparring comments, no flirty gestures. I understand that as a nice guy, saying something out of character poses a risk. You want to be on your best behavior, say all the right things, do all the gentlemanly moves in order to avoid the slightest risk of offending the girl. But first of all, we're all human. We understand that if there's a few aspects to your personality that we don't like, they're overcome by all the ones we do. We want to know your human. Second, some of those traits we actually like. I'm the kind of girl that likes to spar back and forth with some barbed comments. None of the nice guys I dated ever could do that with me. Some were offended. Sorry, I need a guy who can take the challenge. That's okay if you don't like that, but don't expect me to get involved. I need that intellectual stimulation. Just as much as the physical.

Third, for Gods sake, don't think that just because you're a nice guy gives you the right to expect something from a girl then bash her because she's not into you. Isn't that just as bad as the guy who expects something because he bought the girl a drink or dinner? If the feeling isn't mutual, then grow up, realize that it's just not going to happen, and find someone else.

Accept who you are. Accept who she is. If your playing it safe and not showing your true self, then let go and take some risk. Odds are you'll find someone much sooner and it'll be worth it. If that IS you, then great! You'll find someone who loves you for who you are, without feeling obligated.

Niles is...#2

Niles is....Dr. Brown

I'm back...kinda.

Life has been a little rough. Hopefully getting better. Will share more later. Til then...

Frequently, the roommates dog is going through stages of grooming. From short fur to long curly fro fur. During these stages, he looks like someone or something else. Today, he is Kenny Rogers. Well, not Kenny Rogers exactly as the guy who portrays Kenny Rogers on MadTV. So, in the spirit of blogging nonsense, I will be posting pics of Niles is...

Welcome to our first installation.

Niles is a Kenny Rogers impersonator....

Dear Diary,

I know I've ignored you. I just haven't had time, like most things. I don't know what to say. Life has been filled with Toastmasters and work. There has been no time to pause.

When I do get a few moments to stop and look around, I'm lost. I just don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel. Many things have happened, but...I'm constantly trying to get a grip on who I am, what I want out of life.

I suppose things have gotten better. I don't feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster anymore, but I suppose it's time to really sit down and figure out what I want to do and who I want to be. Did I say that already?

Okay, maybe it wasn't the best of ideas to write my blog while listening to music. Especially new music. Try Bullets by Tunng. Awesome song!

Oh yeah...I just celebrated my 33rd birthday. Thank God, 32 is over with!!!! And with it came a nice birthday party, great friends wishing me well, and a host of new songs on my iTunes. Mostly Fred Astaire, Frank Sinatra, and Dean Martin. I'm in an oldies mood. Not sure why. But I have noticed music makes me happy again. Perhaps there's hope for me yet.

Yeah, it's been awhile...

I'm going to have to blame work on this one. See, of the many perks of now being with a larger corporate company, I get the chance to be blocked from every fun site in existence...well, except for YouTube in which apparently I can still watch skits with profanity and sex scenes because the filter can't tell if it's named Stick It To Her. (And for you google-curious, no that's not really a YouTube video...that I know of)

Anyway, life has been fairly busy. I nearly went out of my mind, until some people decided to help out and get me some help. While professional help would have been warranted, instead they found me a few people to help out with web stuff. So now instead of a bill-yun things to do, I now only have a million. Now I can go bald at a slower rate.

I've been horribly frustrated and a bit depressed lately. Life has just been one glob of one work issue to the next. I go from staring at a computer screen at work, to staring at an iphone screen (to check for emails), to staring at a screen at home to do work and TM (Toastmasters.) I wake up alone and I go to bed alone. And to top it off, the one person who thought I was the best person ever, is now gone.

I know...I still have my friends. And while although awesome friends they are, they can't replace the adoration of a mother and the comfort of a significant other.

I'm fairing a bit better these days. I sit here right now, not in tears although I'm tired and it's close to going to bed, listening to an artist's concert who I'll be attending with a good friend. I'm working, but not stressing. And while it would be nice to have another warm body in bed with me, the teddy bear will do for now.

I know life isn't all that bad. I have my friends, I have my job, I have my grandma, I have my car, and not to mention this luscious ass of mine. Kidding. Or am I?

It's just hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I've never been single or alone really before. I'm been alone with someone, but never by myself before. And while it has been two years, it's been a very...full...two years. I'm just now starting to cut the apron strings to my two best friends, however still trying to figure out how to retain my independence without being a loner.

I'm more awkward than ever socially right now. I feel like I've retreated back into my shell a little. Not as sure of myself as I used to. I just need a project or an accomplishment though and I'm sure I'll feel stronger again.

I really needed that...

It's been a rough time.

I've been overloaded with work and Toastmaster's stuff. I mean, we're talking almost mental breakdown overloaded.

Because my workload has been so full and I haven't been able to accomplish much, I've been feeling a bit like a failure. A failure to myself, a letdown to others. I hate feeling this way.

Only in the past couple of days, has this started to alleviate. I caught up at work...somewhat. I had a good discussion with my boss. I took my time going home today, and figured out my mess of finances.

As I was sitting, trying to make some progress with Toastmasters stuff, I get a text message. It's from my brother.

Long back story...when my mother adopted my brother (along with an unwilling stepfather), he came from a very rough life already. Top that with an uncaring adoptive father and a sick mother...well, he's had a rough time. Immediately after they adopted him, my family moved to Maryland. I didn't speak to him for years. I knew how rough it was, but there was nothing I could do miles away.

When my mother divorced my step-father, she took my brother with her, but they moved in with my grandmother and discipline became top priority to both of them. I felt bad for the poor guy. He's always been a good kid in bad circumstances. Between my mother's helplessness, my grandmother's frustrations and some very bad peer influences; he had it very difficult. However, at this point I was dealing with a rough marriage and no matter what words of advice I gave the matriarchs of my family, they insisted on ruling with an iron fist.

When he moved in with my aunt, she was almost the complete opposite. He continued to get into trouble, yet displayed great talent musically. He showed his intelligence and caring only to those few who showed no judgment and kept mostly to himself.

Eventually he moved out on his own. I breathed a small sigh of relief hoping that on his own, he would feel a bit of freedom and finally be able to take responsibility for his own actions. Yet, I always felt immense guilt not taking a larger role in my brother's life. I was assigned the role of older sister and therefore guardian, and failed miserably.

Before my mother went into the hospital, we exchanged phone numbers and from time to time, I would receive a funny text message or two. When she went into the hospital, I was the one to call him. And to my surprise, it was in me he confided his guilt over not crying over my mother's death.

Since that day, he still text messages me questions and just quick hello's to let me know he's alright, but tonight...

Tonight, I received a question about relationships and finances. I gave my honest opinion and tried to stay respectful to his relationship. Towards the end, it went like this...

My brother: "Thanx! Ur good at givin advice!"

Me: "No problem. I'm flattered you'd ask"

My brother: "Well I trust u and uv never let me down!"

Enter one very stunned Onyx.

Of all the things anyone has said. Of all the things he could have said.

...

I guess it's time to blog again

I had almost considered writing this in my personal blog. Some things, as a friend recently said in a blog entry of hers, you're just not ready to share with the world. Being aware that certain people read your blog sometimes entices you to restrict what you're saying, but that would go against the very principle of what I believe...that in sharing our deepest and scariest fears we deny others the ability to share and know they're not alone in what they feel.

I'm at a point in my life where honestly I have everything. A good job, a nice car, a new house, (an old house), good friends, two loving cats, and even an internet connection and an iPhone. Yet, damn you Disney, I still feel like something's missing.

Why Disney?

Well, because when I was a little girl...heck even two days ago...I watched movies about true love and happily ever after. I thought I had it once only to find out that my Prince Charming was a frog. He was a good person, but ours was not a happy existence.

Now...I find myself yearning again for that feeling of being a couple. Falling asleep in someone's arms, feeling safe and being watched after, sharing intimate moments and even bad ones.

Ever feel like maybe you hit a quota? A limit? Like there's no chance it's going to happen again because...well, just because?

My mother and grandmother both ended up single. I wonder what they feel? Felt, in my mom's case. Does my grandmother after all these years still yearn for that feeling of couple-dom anymore? Or is she stronger than me?

Our brain is a wonderful invention, yet causes us so much harm. There's no reason why I should imagine what it's like. Why do I ponder late at night what it would be like to have someone to hold me in my bed? A nice chest to rest my head on, a loving hand caressing my hair and soothing away my worries.

I'm a successful adult woman. So why do I still have the dreams from my childhood playing through my mind?

What Happens After This?

I'm at our new house right now. Everything is empty except for a few pieces that I've moved. I'm waiting on the gas guy right now to finish. I can hear clinking from the garage. I'm perched on the steps, typing away, working. I'm wearing my white business shirt with jeans and bare feeties. And oddly enough...I feel like I'm in a scene from a movie. You know the scene. Where the career woman is moving into her new place. But, this place isn't mine solely. Just weird. Sometimes I catch myself in a moment and think to myself, "when did I get to be so fortunate (and unfortunate at times) to be that woman in the movie I wanted to grow up to be? And why doesn't it seem as great as it looked on the screen?"

Atom-smasher inspires fear

Scientists say a huge new device won't suck the Earth into a black hole.

Best...headline....ever....

Okay, but seriously, did they have to start this colossal machine right around my birthday? Wait...is it before November 10th?

Okay, I don't see the date, but let's put it this way...if it happens after Nov 10th, we're good. If it happens BEFORE Nov 10th, we're screwed. Why? Because the world and the universe rotate around me.

Well, that's the short story. The long version is that I recently came to a profound realization. It starts with my father. When he began racing, he chose the number 32. My whole life, this has been my father's lucky number. When I had a falling out with my father, I started to cringe whenever this number would come up.

32 on the lotto ticket? Nope, not winning.

32 for a player? Of course he missed the possible winning shot.

So for a few years now, I repeatedly joked that I dreaded turning 32.

It wasn't until about a few weeks ago that the importance of this joke hit home.

Of all the years that my mother was sick. Through everything she'd gone through. It took us all by surprise. And then I realized, on the year (exactly midway) of me being 32...my mother passed away.

Not only that, but I am in a completely different life than I was at 31 or all other prior years in my life.

So based on the assumption that my 32nd year on this planet will end with a bang, we're all royally screwed if they pull that lever prior to me turning 33.

Cross your fingies that they schedule it for November 11.

Staring at the screen...

Every week and a half or so, I receive this...request. I don't generate data, or answer questions, or do data analysis with this request. I simply reformat an excel spreadsheet. When I first received this request, the words that ran through my mind were: "You've gotta be fucking kidding me?!"

I don't mind doing a little grunt work now and again, but this reoccurring nightmare is all because no one in the upper echelons of our company knows how to do basic math in Excel. (Really, people?)

I thought this report was a nightmare until it got handed off to a new person. All of a sudden totals couldn't match because data was missing, formats were screwed with, and what came regularly every Thursday was now apparently on a schedule of "whenever I feel like harassing you with a ridiculous request because I know you have better things to do."

So here I sit, staring at...no....glaring at the screen. Cursing this damn thing once again because I have to change what's supposed to be a date from a time to a date, changing the one odd date in the range, and making 50 pt font into something normal.

To top it off, I was working until 11 p.m. last night and started working from home at 5 a.m. I'm at work now, but it's starting to hit me. From here I have to assist R with facilities set up for Toastmasters training and then facilitate a class.

I was fortunate enough to have someone volunteer to fill in my co-facilitator role at the last minute. They asked what they could help with. I didn't know specifically when they asked, but now I know...

poke me when I fall asleep.