Thanks for all the comments guys. I actually shared with my roommate that I was feeling a little emotional the other day too. Aside from the wonderful support I got from you guys, I got a virtual hug from her and a co-worker/friend of hers (ours), and a couple of hugs from both roommates when I got home.
It's so nice to have friends I can depend on who care about me as much as I care about them. I'd have to say one of the things that I've been learning lately is to share my feelings and insecurities. I can remember one night when I first moved in, I was moping around the house feeling a bit lonely. I kept thinking to myself, "I just really need a hug."
I'd walk out to the living area where the roommates were and try to psych myself up to just ask for a hug. My thoughts were, "Just ask. Come'on. They won't care. Just tell them you're feeling a bit lonely and you just need a hug." I never got around to it though.
The next morning, I saw the female roommate and told her what I had been through the last night. She looked at me, opened her arms, and said, "Don't be stupid. Of course we would have given you a hug. Come 'ere."
It was then I realized that I knew that showing my weaknesses wasn't a weakness in itself. That these were my friends and that they would rather be there for me than have me miserable and keep to myself.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I think I need Sensodyne for my heart
Ugh! I hate feeling emotional. The worse thing is when it just suddenly hits me out of nowhere. I start to feel insecure and rather like a five year old in need of dire attention.
It reminds me of a story my mother told me of when I was younger. Essentially, when I was extremely young, my mother left my father (for good reasons). She packed me up and moved in with her mother (my grandmother). So for years, I lived without a father figure. (Dad was pretty much non-existent, only picking me up for a rare weekend.)
One day, she and my grandmother took me to the park. I was playing around when I spotted a male police officer. Once I spotted him, I ran up and reach up for a hug. Once he picked me up I wouldn't let go, just snuggling into him reveling in all the attention. He turned to my mom and grandmother and said, "You have a really sweet kid here, but may I ask, is the father around?" My mom and grandmother explained the situation and he replied, "Yes, I can tell. Like I said, she's a wonderful girl, but she's seeking the attention of men because her father isn't there. Be careful with her."
Pretty much explains it all, huh?
Yes, I would leave the story there, but I still need to explain what's happened since then. I have always been an attention whore, and shamefully but admittedly, mostly from men. Now, I'm good about not sleeping around. I've only had sex with one person in my life, and that was my husband. But...during our 13 years together, he was never really a snuggler. Even in a relationship I pined to be held, to be hugged, to be cherished. I can remember my lonely teenage years, lying in my bed, wanting someone just to hold. Someone to rub my head and tell me that they would rather be with me than anywhere else in the world at that moment.
So where am I now? I'm getting better. I'm not nearly as emotional as I used to be. However, every once in awhile, out of the blue, and sometimes at the most inane moments...I just want to be held. To be hugged. To be loved and cherished.
If there was some service that sent a guy over to your house just to spoon you at night, they'd be making grand bucks off of me.
It reminds me of a story my mother told me of when I was younger. Essentially, when I was extremely young, my mother left my father (for good reasons). She packed me up and moved in with her mother (my grandmother). So for years, I lived without a father figure. (Dad was pretty much non-existent, only picking me up for a rare weekend.)
One day, she and my grandmother took me to the park. I was playing around when I spotted a male police officer. Once I spotted him, I ran up and reach up for a hug. Once he picked me up I wouldn't let go, just snuggling into him reveling in all the attention. He turned to my mom and grandmother and said, "You have a really sweet kid here, but may I ask, is the father around?" My mom and grandmother explained the situation and he replied, "Yes, I can tell. Like I said, she's a wonderful girl, but she's seeking the attention of men because her father isn't there. Be careful with her."
Pretty much explains it all, huh?
Yes, I would leave the story there, but I still need to explain what's happened since then. I have always been an attention whore, and shamefully but admittedly, mostly from men. Now, I'm good about not sleeping around. I've only had sex with one person in my life, and that was my husband. But...during our 13 years together, he was never really a snuggler. Even in a relationship I pined to be held, to be hugged, to be cherished. I can remember my lonely teenage years, lying in my bed, wanting someone just to hold. Someone to rub my head and tell me that they would rather be with me than anywhere else in the world at that moment.
So where am I now? I'm getting better. I'm not nearly as emotional as I used to be. However, every once in awhile, out of the blue, and sometimes at the most inane moments...I just want to be held. To be hugged. To be loved and cherished.
If there was some service that sent a guy over to your house just to spoon you at night, they'd be making grand bucks off of me.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Culture Abound!
So Saturday night my roommates/BFFs had to go to Nascar. For days they complained about how boring and hickish it was going to be.
(For those of you who don't know me that well, my father was a racecar driver. Super-modified, but nonetheless. The first car I sat behind the wheel was a racecar, granted I was like a week old. I have fond memories of going to the dirt track with my father's family. So needless to say, racing is in my blood. I did tell them I liked racing but 312 laps was a little too much for even me. Oh, but I digress...)
So all week long I was hampered by the idea that my Saturday night was going to be sitting alone watching Tivo and snuggling with the dog. I racked my brain for any friends I could go out with but they either already had plans or just weren't the 'going out clubbing on a Saturday night' type of friend.
Saturday rolls around and I start thinking positively about my circumstances. I start to think of all the things I could get accomplished Saturday night. Clean house, do laundry, wash the carpets, get a cartoon done, learn guitar...
Just as I was getting settled in, the other roommate and his girlfriend are getting ready for their Saturday night escapades. They turn to me and say, "Hey, we're going to watch some belldancers tonight, the girlfriend is performing. Would you care to join us?"
Hmmm, hell yeah!
So we load up in the car and end up at a Middle Eastern resteraunt with a stage, some tables, and hookahs. The place was packed. We finally found seats and watched the girls. It was extremely interesting. The only odd thing was that when the dancers approached us dancing, I didn't know where to look. I kept worrying, "Should I look at her eyes? Because it seems a little lecherous to look at her body. But isn't that the point? Is looking in her eyes too weird? Do I lean back? Lean forward? Put a dollar in her sari?" I kept imagining the dancers going off stage and warning the others of the freaky redhead who was looking in odd places.
Towards the end of the night, they brought on a live band and an extremely accomplished bellydancer. Word is that she was Bellydancer of the Universe a few years back, and you could tell. We also had chicken kebob sandwiches and greek rice. It was awesome! So much so, I'm craving it now.
BTW, the next day when I talked to the other roommates they thoroughly enjoyed Nascar. I promised to take them to the dirt tracks sometime, buy them some Bud Light and give them mullets.
Hope you guys had as awesome a weekend as I did!
(For those of you who don't know me that well, my father was a racecar driver. Super-modified, but nonetheless. The first car I sat behind the wheel was a racecar, granted I was like a week old. I have fond memories of going to the dirt track with my father's family. So needless to say, racing is in my blood. I did tell them I liked racing but 312 laps was a little too much for even me. Oh, but I digress...)
So all week long I was hampered by the idea that my Saturday night was going to be sitting alone watching Tivo and snuggling with the dog. I racked my brain for any friends I could go out with but they either already had plans or just weren't the 'going out clubbing on a Saturday night' type of friend.
Saturday rolls around and I start thinking positively about my circumstances. I start to think of all the things I could get accomplished Saturday night. Clean house, do laundry, wash the carpets, get a cartoon done, learn guitar...
Just as I was getting settled in, the other roommate and his girlfriend are getting ready for their Saturday night escapades. They turn to me and say, "Hey, we're going to watch some belldancers tonight, the girlfriend is performing. Would you care to join us?"
Hmmm, hell yeah!
So we load up in the car and end up at a Middle Eastern resteraunt with a stage, some tables, and hookahs. The place was packed. We finally found seats and watched the girls. It was extremely interesting. The only odd thing was that when the dancers approached us dancing, I didn't know where to look. I kept worrying, "Should I look at her eyes? Because it seems a little lecherous to look at her body. But isn't that the point? Is looking in her eyes too weird? Do I lean back? Lean forward? Put a dollar in her sari?" I kept imagining the dancers going off stage and warning the others of the freaky redhead who was looking in odd places.
Towards the end of the night, they brought on a live band and an extremely accomplished bellydancer. Word is that she was Bellydancer of the Universe a few years back, and you could tell. We also had chicken kebob sandwiches and greek rice. It was awesome! So much so, I'm craving it now.
BTW, the next day when I talked to the other roommates they thoroughly enjoyed Nascar. I promised to take them to the dirt tracks sometime, buy them some Bud Light and give them mullets.
Hope you guys had as awesome a weekend as I did!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Superhero
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Monday, April 16, 2007
When did I get on the boat?
I hate being sick! For the past couple of days, I've been nauseous. Not enough to throw up, but just enough to be annoying and debilitating.
This weekend was fairly good. I saw the husband on Saturday and was relieved to see that he was doing pretty well. The house goes on market today. Looking forward to that. Hoping we get some bites because the neighborhood is pretty good and the house pretty cheap. Selling a house is a first for both of us, but he seems to be handling it pretty well.
After visiting him, Blueberri and went out to a few bars/clubs. She was promised by a co-worker to be 'taken care of' at a new club that she did an ad for. Unfortunately, nobody knew who he was and we got free cover anyway because it was ladies night. The club was a bust so we went to another bar which apparently had seniors half off night. I'm joking of course, but half the bar was Beach Boy lookalikes and I'm not talking early years here. After about an hour of that, we headed to one of old standbys and played pool for the rest of the night. One of my roommates met up with us and we all talked about what decidely uneventful nights we had.
Sunday I was nauseous all frekain day. We watched movies and just chilled. I think I may have caught whatever bug the roommates had, so we'll see how long I last at work today.
I did start my comic strip again though. I would have done a new one yesterday if not for the fact that I didn't think vomit on keyboard would have been conducive to my drawing.
This weekend was fairly good. I saw the husband on Saturday and was relieved to see that he was doing pretty well. The house goes on market today. Looking forward to that. Hoping we get some bites because the neighborhood is pretty good and the house pretty cheap. Selling a house is a first for both of us, but he seems to be handling it pretty well.
After visiting him, Blueberri and went out to a few bars/clubs. She was promised by a co-worker to be 'taken care of' at a new club that she did an ad for. Unfortunately, nobody knew who he was and we got free cover anyway because it was ladies night. The club was a bust so we went to another bar which apparently had seniors half off night. I'm joking of course, but half the bar was Beach Boy lookalikes and I'm not talking early years here. After about an hour of that, we headed to one of old standbys and played pool for the rest of the night. One of my roommates met up with us and we all talked about what decidely uneventful nights we had.
Sunday I was nauseous all frekain day. We watched movies and just chilled. I think I may have caught whatever bug the roommates had, so we'll see how long I last at work today.
I did start my comic strip again though. I would have done a new one yesterday if not for the fact that I didn't think vomit on keyboard would have been conducive to my drawing.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
On Hold
Sometimes I feel like I'm in this haitus mode. I'm not sure what I want to do, who I want to be. I do know that my life has settled down a bit. I'm not going out every weekend and spending scads of money on new clothes or new furniture anymore. Quite frankly I can't afford that luxury right now.
Things have toned down at home, although two of my three roommates have been almost deathly sick. I fear getting the plague myself, but for the moment my stomach is just unsettled.
I haven't been doing my comic strip nearly enough. There just doesn't seem to be the time. In order to do my strips, I have to be focused, and while although I'm gaining clarity, I'm not 100% there yet.
I do have plans this weekend. My uncle is in town. We are having a family dinner. The brother-roommates have plans to go to a concert tonight, so I'm going to go with them. I'm much appreciative that we seem to have common interests. One of my beefs in life was not going to enough cultural events and yes, music takes a big play in that.
This weekend will be a girls night out. Just going out, dancing, and having fun. Catching up. Socializing.
I suppose thats it for the moment. I seem to be antsy to do something, just not sure what just yet.
Things have toned down at home, although two of my three roommates have been almost deathly sick. I fear getting the plague myself, but for the moment my stomach is just unsettled.
I haven't been doing my comic strip nearly enough. There just doesn't seem to be the time. In order to do my strips, I have to be focused, and while although I'm gaining clarity, I'm not 100% there yet.
I do have plans this weekend. My uncle is in town. We are having a family dinner. The brother-roommates have plans to go to a concert tonight, so I'm going to go with them. I'm much appreciative that we seem to have common interests. One of my beefs in life was not going to enough cultural events and yes, music takes a big play in that.
This weekend will be a girls night out. Just going out, dancing, and having fun. Catching up. Socializing.
I suppose thats it for the moment. I seem to be antsy to do something, just not sure what just yet.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Family Outings
Regardless of all the progress I've made, there is still one thing that always gets to me. It doesn't make any sense and I'm not sure why I get so emotional over it. It's being excluded from my roommates family outings.
I know, I told you...ridiculous. But I have reason to say this. Every family get together (with the exception of one) since I've been living with them, I've been invited to. There was bowling and two dinners with Rs family. When Ks sister came to town we went everywhere together. And then when we went to Vegas we spent all our time with Ks family.
There was a wedding too, but R was invited and K was not (obviously, I didn't go). That's another story altogether.
But now, Rs family is celebrating K and R's brother's girlfriends birthdays at a breakfast this Sunday. I've heard them talk about it and usually when Rs mom invites them, she always turns to me and says, "You MUST go!" too.
Now, I know I'm going to have to break the apron ties eventually. But for the meantime it's nice to be included. I suppose I could spend a nice Sunday morning by myself, playing wii or perhaps doing my cartoon.
I guess it's just the general feeling of being excluded. I REALLY need to get over that. Do you know to this day I still have anxiety over being left behind? When I'm getting ready in the morning, I rush like a madman thinking to myself, "Was that a door I heard? Will they really leave me behind if I don't get ready soon enough?" What's up with that?! Where in the hell did that insecurity come from?!?
Anyway, I'm good. I'll get over it. Maybe I'll visit my mom on Sunday. Or my ex-dog. Or maybe I'll just run around in my undies singing "Old Time Rock N Roll"
I know, I told you...ridiculous. But I have reason to say this. Every family get together (with the exception of one) since I've been living with them, I've been invited to. There was bowling and two dinners with Rs family. When Ks sister came to town we went everywhere together. And then when we went to Vegas we spent all our time with Ks family.
There was a wedding too, but R was invited and K was not (obviously, I didn't go). That's another story altogether.
But now, Rs family is celebrating K and R's brother's girlfriends birthdays at a breakfast this Sunday. I've heard them talk about it and usually when Rs mom invites them, she always turns to me and says, "You MUST go!" too.
Now, I know I'm going to have to break the apron ties eventually. But for the meantime it's nice to be included. I suppose I could spend a nice Sunday morning by myself, playing wii or perhaps doing my cartoon.
I guess it's just the general feeling of being excluded. I REALLY need to get over that. Do you know to this day I still have anxiety over being left behind? When I'm getting ready in the morning, I rush like a madman thinking to myself, "Was that a door I heard? Will they really leave me behind if I don't get ready soon enough?" What's up with that?! Where in the hell did that insecurity come from?!?
Anyway, I'm good. I'll get over it. Maybe I'll visit my mom on Sunday. Or my ex-dog. Or maybe I'll just run around in my undies singing "Old Time Rock N Roll"
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Enjoying Life
I still haven't discovered myself completely, but I'm slowly learning. I think it was a mistake to think the first emotional hurdle was to find myself. There's a time of healing that is required before moving on.
This first few weeks were devastating. To leave someone you love, but just can't live with anymore takes an incredible toll emotionally. This is definately one of those experiences that you can't possibly fathom unless you experience it yourself. I went through so many emotions. Some nights would cry myself to sleep, and others I would just keep myself busy until I collasped in the bed.
However, with the help of friends, I was able to heal. I can't tell you how many times I would be in such a deep funk. I was invested in staying in that funk and depression, and then my roommates would pull me out of it. I don't know if they had super-friend-sensory powers or what, but they always said the right thing to make me laugh or realize that I wasn't going through this alone.
It was really difficult at first to live with a couple. They were respectful of not being too affectionate with eachother in front of me, but each time they leaned in towards eachother, hugged, kissed, I just kept wondering if I would ever have that again.
As time has progressed though, these PDAs don't bother me so much. I used to sit on the porch, intentionally alone, and imagine what it would be like to be in someone's embrace. However, the last few days when this thought occurred to me, I was able to think to myself, "Huh. No emotional response whatsoever. I'm good."
I used to think my one and only goal to this seperation was just to find myself. But I'm finding so many other important things to accomplish now. I think my first big hurdle was just surviving it. Finding the strength not to cave in and go back. The second was to heal emotionally and realize that I can be just me. Not one of two. Not the other half. Just me.
I'm not sure when my journey towards self-realization will start. Quite frankly, I'm not worried about that right now. It's only been two months and I think I've made tremendous progress. My mind is starting to clear. I can work again. I'm not thinking of it every second of the day.
And that's good enough for me. For now.
This first few weeks were devastating. To leave someone you love, but just can't live with anymore takes an incredible toll emotionally. This is definately one of those experiences that you can't possibly fathom unless you experience it yourself. I went through so many emotions. Some nights would cry myself to sleep, and others I would just keep myself busy until I collasped in the bed.
However, with the help of friends, I was able to heal. I can't tell you how many times I would be in such a deep funk. I was invested in staying in that funk and depression, and then my roommates would pull me out of it. I don't know if they had super-friend-sensory powers or what, but they always said the right thing to make me laugh or realize that I wasn't going through this alone.
It was really difficult at first to live with a couple. They were respectful of not being too affectionate with eachother in front of me, but each time they leaned in towards eachother, hugged, kissed, I just kept wondering if I would ever have that again.
As time has progressed though, these PDAs don't bother me so much. I used to sit on the porch, intentionally alone, and imagine what it would be like to be in someone's embrace. However, the last few days when this thought occurred to me, I was able to think to myself, "Huh. No emotional response whatsoever. I'm good."
I used to think my one and only goal to this seperation was just to find myself. But I'm finding so many other important things to accomplish now. I think my first big hurdle was just surviving it. Finding the strength not to cave in and go back. The second was to heal emotionally and realize that I can be just me. Not one of two. Not the other half. Just me.
I'm not sure when my journey towards self-realization will start. Quite frankly, I'm not worried about that right now. It's only been two months and I think I've made tremendous progress. My mind is starting to clear. I can work again. I'm not thinking of it every second of the day.
And that's good enough for me. For now.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Bear with me, this may be a long entry...
I know I should be updating more often, but I'm just so darn busy. Take yesterday for example...
It started out as a normal day, got up, got showered, got dressed. But I went in sans one co-worker/roommate/BFF. R broke his tooth...no, actually shattered it, and at the nagging of K (his girlfriend/my other roommate/BFF) and I, he finally agreed to go into the dentist.
K has their car, so I made arrangements the night prior to borrow my mother's car. She's been asking me to take it in for emmissions, but I digress. So around 11, I head back from work to pick up R and take him to his dental appointment. 2 hours later, he finds out his back teeth will need major work. To the tune of about $8k with the insurance. Ugh!!
Grab lunch, then head back to work. Finish a few reports. Then head back out towards home stopping only briefly at QT for the best fountain drinks ever, and at Baskin Robbins for a birthday cake for K. That's right...it was her birthday.
Get home and their puppy, Niles, is puking and wheezing like a mo-fo. R calls they say keep an eye on him and if he doesn't get better take him to the emergency animal hospital. After a little while, he seems to get better, so we head out for some great indian cuisine. The meal was awesome!!!
Head back home, have the cake for K, and determine that Niles is getting worse, so we head over to the emergency animal hospital after confirming a minimum $100 office charge. (Ouch!!!) Stay there until about 11 p.m. Find out he has a small trachea and possibly pneumonia, but that can't be confirmed without expensive x-rays. The animal hopsital can do the x-rays, but it would be at least double the fee that the normal vet charges. So we bundled up Niles with confirmation that he would be fine overnight, and head home to pass out.
This is not an unusual night. On Monday we went to see R's brother perform choir at the high school and bumped into my father-in-law and his wife...for the first time after the split...no worries though. He's a great guy. Just weird. Small world.
So let's recap. Since I've moved out, I've...went to Las Vegas, taken my mother to and from the hospital, helped K with all her various ankle needs, taken the puppy to and from the hospital, visited R and K's various families for bowling, dinner, choir specials, and visited many a bar and club. Not too mention playing a new Wii every spare moment I get. Oh! And I also finally saw Dr. Strangelove. Strange, indeed.
Well gotta go. Gotta fit work in somewhere and I had a full day and a half of major St. Pats day celebration to fit in on Saturday! Ciao! Or rather Erin Go Braugh!
It started out as a normal day, got up, got showered, got dressed. But I went in sans one co-worker/roommate/BFF. R broke his tooth...no, actually shattered it, and at the nagging of K (his girlfriend/my other roommate/BFF) and I, he finally agreed to go into the dentist.
K has their car, so I made arrangements the night prior to borrow my mother's car. She's been asking me to take it in for emmissions, but I digress. So around 11, I head back from work to pick up R and take him to his dental appointment. 2 hours later, he finds out his back teeth will need major work. To the tune of about $8k with the insurance. Ugh!!
Grab lunch, then head back to work. Finish a few reports. Then head back out towards home stopping only briefly at QT for the best fountain drinks ever, and at Baskin Robbins for a birthday cake for K. That's right...it was her birthday.
Get home and their puppy, Niles, is puking and wheezing like a mo-fo. R calls they say keep an eye on him and if he doesn't get better take him to the emergency animal hospital. After a little while, he seems to get better, so we head out for some great indian cuisine. The meal was awesome!!!
Head back home, have the cake for K, and determine that Niles is getting worse, so we head over to the emergency animal hospital after confirming a minimum $100 office charge. (Ouch!!!) Stay there until about 11 p.m. Find out he has a small trachea and possibly pneumonia, but that can't be confirmed without expensive x-rays. The animal hopsital can do the x-rays, but it would be at least double the fee that the normal vet charges. So we bundled up Niles with confirmation that he would be fine overnight, and head home to pass out.
This is not an unusual night. On Monday we went to see R's brother perform choir at the high school and bumped into my father-in-law and his wife...for the first time after the split...no worries though. He's a great guy. Just weird. Small world.
So let's recap. Since I've moved out, I've...went to Las Vegas, taken my mother to and from the hospital, helped K with all her various ankle needs, taken the puppy to and from the hospital, visited R and K's various families for bowling, dinner, choir specials, and visited many a bar and club. Not too mention playing a new Wii every spare moment I get. Oh! And I also finally saw Dr. Strangelove. Strange, indeed.
Well gotta go. Gotta fit work in somewhere and I had a full day and a half of major St. Pats day celebration to fit in on Saturday! Ciao! Or rather Erin Go Braugh!
Friday, March 02, 2007
Too Much
I seem to swing back and forth between fear and happiness lately. Guilt and apathy. So many emotions...
So much has happened in the last month. I moved out of my house with my cats. I settled into a new place, that's not even mine anymore. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Went to Vegas. My mom was in the hospital. Some days I feel like I just can't bear it anymore.
Lately, I've been feeling really guilty about moving out of the house. I swing back and forth between feeling like I deserve some happiness to feeling miserable for causing my husband's misery. He's declining. He's become a hermit. Not really talking to anyone. He's looking for work. Worried about finances. His mental health is on the decline and he's stopped taking his medications.
It's hard for me not to worry about him. Thirteen years of taking care of him...that's a hard habit to break. Some days I just want to rush back over there and correct everything. But I know I can't. I just don't feel the same way. But I feel so damn guilty for choosing my own happiness over his at the moment. I feel like I've become this unlucky coin that's getting passed around.
Today is a melancholy day. Tonight will be poker night. I'm looking forward to it. I seem to have really fun moments with my friends interspersed with excrutiating moments of grief and guilt for hubby to go through all this.
So much has happened in the last month. I moved out of my house with my cats. I settled into a new place, that's not even mine anymore. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Went to Vegas. My mom was in the hospital. Some days I feel like I just can't bear it anymore.
Lately, I've been feeling really guilty about moving out of the house. I swing back and forth between feeling like I deserve some happiness to feeling miserable for causing my husband's misery. He's declining. He's become a hermit. Not really talking to anyone. He's looking for work. Worried about finances. His mental health is on the decline and he's stopped taking his medications.
It's hard for me not to worry about him. Thirteen years of taking care of him...that's a hard habit to break. Some days I just want to rush back over there and correct everything. But I know I can't. I just don't feel the same way. But I feel so damn guilty for choosing my own happiness over his at the moment. I feel like I've become this unlucky coin that's getting passed around.
Today is a melancholy day. Tonight will be poker night. I'm looking forward to it. I seem to have really fun moments with my friends interspersed with excrutiating moments of grief and guilt for hubby to go through all this.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Vegas Continued...
Saturday was spent with K's (pictured above) mom and husband. We woke up on Saturday around 10 a.m. then headed over to the Venetian for a little gambling and food.
Seeing as how everyone was a Vegas nube except R and I, we decided to tour the strip. K's ankle is still out of commission, so we rented a wheelchair and headed out. The first touristy thing we did was visit Madame Toussauds wax museum. One of the great things abotu R & K is their outrageous behavior. We moved from one star to another hamming it up for the pictures. One of my favorites is above.
After molesting just about every wax figure, we headed back out onto the strip. All in all we walked for about 10 hours straight. We did take a two hour break at the Excalibur and took in the dinner show. It was completely hokey, but a lot of fun. We were Norway, but R and I kept on cheering on the Irish knight and the russian knight.
At about Midnight we all passed out from exhaustion back at the hotel room. We're probably the only Vegas visitor to go to bed every night before dawn.
We all agreed that we would have to do it again soon though. Life is too short.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Viva Las Vegas!!
That Tom Jones' hand is a dog!!
Anyway, we had tons of fun this weekend. Friday we headed up to Vegas and had quite the interesting trip. So...this is how it all started...K's mom called and informed us she was going to be in Vegas for a business conference and would K like to meet her over there seeing as how it's only a five hour drive from Phoenix. Money is a little tight, so we all deliberated over it and after deciding to cheap hotel, decided to go for it.
We decided a little late, so the hotel choice was kind of limited. We tried to keep it under $100 a night and finally found a gem of a hotel called Golden Palms. We booked two nights and asked for Friday off from work to make a grand weekend of it.
Friday, we left early. We stopped off for breakfast and then made the long trek out there. 6 hours later, we arrived. After numerous calls to 411 to locate our hotel (unfortunately none of us printed out directions) we finally arrived. At the red light in front of it, we all stared at what could possibly be mistaken for an hourly rate hotel as opposed to a daily one. IT WAS AWFUL!!!! Trying to keep our spirits up, we kept repeating things like "It's Vegas! We won't even be spending any time in our room." But things kept happening. First it was the "Southside" etching on the wood posts outside. Then the creaky elevator that sounded like it was running on wooden hinges. Then the 'suicide window' without a screen. The mismatched comforters. Then the coup de gras...the room across from ours had a large neon sign posted on it that announced the room was closed 'permanently' due to health violations.
Oh hell no!! R & K put on a good act, but I wasn't having any of it...AT ALL. ANY OF IT!!! I was nearly in tears from the crappy hotel and made a decision. We were leaving. I didn't care if we had to pay a grand on a new hotel room...we weren't staying here. So we packed what we had already unpacked and informed management that we expected a full refund. To which they replied, "Ok." Guess it happens a lot. We were bracing ourselves for a bit more of an argument. But no, the guy was completely cool about it and apologized profusely. I think he was just trying to impress the massive amounts of hookers going to and fro.
Leaving the hotel, we wiped our brows from relief and started making the calls to try to get another hotel room. But unfortunately everything was either booked or massively expensive. Why? NASCAR!! It was a nascar weekend. But due to K and I's mad 411 skills, and R's knowledge of the city, we finally booked at Circus Circus and saved the weekend!
We had finally arrived!!
(Story to be continued...)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Bluntly Honest
The past few days have been so filled with confusion and emotion...
Hubby and I discussed things further yesterday. Although, sometimes things get misunderstood, so I hope I didn't misunderstand...
We have decided to just be friends. Unfortunately, my feelings towards him aren't what they used to be. And as much as I'd like that to not be true, you can't control your feelings. I'm a logic girl and believe me this frustrates me immensely. But what is, is.
So we've agreed to just be friends. We won't even be seeing eachother in the next two weeks. This process has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. Ending thirteen years of a relationship, 9 years of a marriage is hard.
I still want to take care of him. I worry about how's he's handling things. But on the same token, I just can't anymore. It's time to take care of myself. So many years of handling his issues. Taking care of his needs.
But it's time to take care of my own. Time to take care of myself. Discover myself. Figure out who I am as a person without being attached to another.
My mind races over tons of things. Being just another statistic. The feeling that I'm abandoning him. The fear that I may have just fucked everything up. But then I think of the lonely nights. The times when I really needed someone to just listen or hold me or just plain care. I think about the dreams I had regarding children and feeling depressed because I was going it alone.
I have no regrets. No anger. No bitterness. Just a need for sweet release.
I know he's reading this. And while I've said these things in the past, I think it's probably more blunt in this post. I really don't know how to say goodbye.
Hubby and I discussed things further yesterday. Although, sometimes things get misunderstood, so I hope I didn't misunderstand...
We have decided to just be friends. Unfortunately, my feelings towards him aren't what they used to be. And as much as I'd like that to not be true, you can't control your feelings. I'm a logic girl and believe me this frustrates me immensely. But what is, is.
So we've agreed to just be friends. We won't even be seeing eachother in the next two weeks. This process has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. Ending thirteen years of a relationship, 9 years of a marriage is hard.
I still want to take care of him. I worry about how's he's handling things. But on the same token, I just can't anymore. It's time to take care of myself. So many years of handling his issues. Taking care of his needs.
But it's time to take care of my own. Time to take care of myself. Discover myself. Figure out who I am as a person without being attached to another.
My mind races over tons of things. Being just another statistic. The feeling that I'm abandoning him. The fear that I may have just fucked everything up. But then I think of the lonely nights. The times when I really needed someone to just listen or hold me or just plain care. I think about the dreams I had regarding children and feeling depressed because I was going it alone.
I have no regrets. No anger. No bitterness. Just a need for sweet release.
I know he's reading this. And while I've said these things in the past, I think it's probably more blunt in this post. I really don't know how to say goodbye.
Friday, February 16, 2007
I couldn't put it better myself...
This is me to a T:
To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.
INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.
INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.
In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.
Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.
This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.
Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.
To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.
INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.
INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.
In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.
Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.
This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.
Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Valentine's Day
It's always weird for me to post on blogger now, because I know my husband reads my blog. It's not that he reads it that is a bit disconcerting...it's the fact that he's an overanalyzer. I write in fear that something may be misconstrued or too read into.
But on the other hand, this is a time for getting to know eachother. I feel as I've been suppressing myself over the past 13 years in order to keep him comfortable and accepting of me as a wife, but I am a different person (I'm learning). How different? I don't know. But certain things I'm aware of now that I wasn't before. I'm editing myself less, doing and thinking of doing things I wouldn't have imagined doing before because I knew he wouldn't like them.
On the other side of the coin, I believe he's finding himself too. I think this seperation is a catalyst for change not only within our relationship, but also within ourselves. He is doing things that he never did with me. Poetry, art, cleaning. Seperated we are two totally different people.
Of course, it's only been a week. People do change in a small amount of time when something like this happens. We'll just see how much we stay changed.
Valentine's Day was nice. He picked me up around 7 and said all the plans had been laid out. We had discussed going out to dinner, but nothing much beyond that. I do have to give him props for handling dinner. He knew the resteraunt was going to be busy so he called in the afternoon to place the order we were to pick up at 7:30. When we got back to the house, he had the table laden with rose petals and candles. After finishing with our meal, we made the sudden realization that we had nothing to drink. So before heading out for some beverages, we exchanged gifts. I gave him a Relic watch. He gave me a few things that were wonderful (a cat book, a John Lennon book, a teddy bear) including a poem he had created and framed. He really put quite a bit of thought into it.
Afterwards we watched Lady in the Water and said our goodbyes. He's been giving me space, which I appreciate. For some reason this past week has been more about self-discovery than focus on the relationship. I hope he realizes that too. I hope that in the near future I can focus on the relationship, but for the time being I have to find out who I am, what I want and what I need, before I can say what I want or need from someone else.
Happy Valentine's Day
But on the other hand, this is a time for getting to know eachother. I feel as I've been suppressing myself over the past 13 years in order to keep him comfortable and accepting of me as a wife, but I am a different person (I'm learning). How different? I don't know. But certain things I'm aware of now that I wasn't before. I'm editing myself less, doing and thinking of doing things I wouldn't have imagined doing before because I knew he wouldn't like them.
On the other side of the coin, I believe he's finding himself too. I think this seperation is a catalyst for change not only within our relationship, but also within ourselves. He is doing things that he never did with me. Poetry, art, cleaning. Seperated we are two totally different people.
Of course, it's only been a week. People do change in a small amount of time when something like this happens. We'll just see how much we stay changed.
Valentine's Day was nice. He picked me up around 7 and said all the plans had been laid out. We had discussed going out to dinner, but nothing much beyond that. I do have to give him props for handling dinner. He knew the resteraunt was going to be busy so he called in the afternoon to place the order we were to pick up at 7:30. When we got back to the house, he had the table laden with rose petals and candles. After finishing with our meal, we made the sudden realization that we had nothing to drink. So before heading out for some beverages, we exchanged gifts. I gave him a Relic watch. He gave me a few things that were wonderful (a cat book, a John Lennon book, a teddy bear) including a poem he had created and framed. He really put quite a bit of thought into it.
Afterwards we watched Lady in the Water and said our goodbyes. He's been giving me space, which I appreciate. For some reason this past week has been more about self-discovery than focus on the relationship. I hope he realizes that too. I hope that in the near future I can focus on the relationship, but for the time being I have to find out who I am, what I want and what I need, before I can say what I want or need from someone else.
Happy Valentine's Day
Monday, February 12, 2007
I Have No Idea
I just finished dinner at home. We had a nice taco salad. Actually sat down and ate and conversed. Now I'm busy listening to Beck's Sea Change which always drops my blood pressure a few points.
Had a nice few minutes with hubby. He seems to be chilling out. He had called me early in a panic and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. That had me a bit worried, until we spoke later and he seemed much better.
I know this entry is disjointed as are my thoughts and emotions.
So welcome to my life.
Had a nice few minutes with hubby. He seems to be chilling out. He had called me early in a panic and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. That had me a bit worried, until we spoke later and he seemed much better.
I know this entry is disjointed as are my thoughts and emotions.
So welcome to my life.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Epic movie sucked!!
So last night we got nails done, R&K took me to Chili's, and we saw Epic Movie. Why did we chose this movie? Because I begged everyone for weeks to go see it. Actually...R said he wanted to see it too. So it's half his fault. It was the lamest movie ever!! EVER!!!
Bad jokes, bad farce, ugh, just horrible all around...and this coming from someone who loves Spaceballs and Airplane. (I have a drinking problem.)
Anyway, was just updating some pics on the internet because I've decided Saturday to not only get my haircut, but also allow the hairstylist to highlight my hair *gasp*. But I trust this guy. He knows what he's doing. So cross your fingers.
Til next time, I leave you with an incredibly hot picture of Mr. Spacey. It's entitled, "I RULE"
(Could you just not jump on top?)
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Still Adjusting...
Has it really only been 5 days?! It seems like much longer...a month at least.
I have settled in somewhat at my new home. Everything is unpacked. The room is starting to looked lived in. Even the cats are coming out. But I feel like I'm in a state of pause.
Hubby calls and txts me every day. He seems to be doing well, which is what I had hoped for. For him to be able to see that he is capable and strong.
I'm not really sure where I'm at. I feel like I just want to shutdown from everything. Take a weeklong nap. I'm exhausted but have a little bit of difficulties telling myself when to sleep. I stay up with my roommates late into the night (come 'on 12 is late for an old coot like me!)
I feel antsy, but not really sure what to do. Just as he is finding out who he is, I too am finding out who I am. What I like. What my habits are. Certain habits are hard to break. I still find myself hardly eating anything at home. I always feel like I need to go out. When I think of buying groceries, I have no idea where to even start (hubby did not buy groceries except one day at a time.)
I find myself hermitting up at home, looking around at the walls, just thinking "what do I do now?" Of course, this isn't all the time. Some nights I go out with hubby, sometimes just a group of friends. But I seem to be attaching myself to my friends right now. I'll allow myself to do that for the first week or so, but I really need to find my own path eventually.
Hubby and I have another date on Friday. Not sure what we're going to do yet. We'll see.
I have settled in somewhat at my new home. Everything is unpacked. The room is starting to looked lived in. Even the cats are coming out. But I feel like I'm in a state of pause.
Hubby calls and txts me every day. He seems to be doing well, which is what I had hoped for. For him to be able to see that he is capable and strong.
I'm not really sure where I'm at. I feel like I just want to shutdown from everything. Take a weeklong nap. I'm exhausted but have a little bit of difficulties telling myself when to sleep. I stay up with my roommates late into the night (come 'on 12 is late for an old coot like me!)
I feel antsy, but not really sure what to do. Just as he is finding out who he is, I too am finding out who I am. What I like. What my habits are. Certain habits are hard to break. I still find myself hardly eating anything at home. I always feel like I need to go out. When I think of buying groceries, I have no idea where to even start (hubby did not buy groceries except one day at a time.)
I find myself hermitting up at home, looking around at the walls, just thinking "what do I do now?" Of course, this isn't all the time. Some nights I go out with hubby, sometimes just a group of friends. But I seem to be attaching myself to my friends right now. I'll allow myself to do that for the first week or so, but I really need to find my own path eventually.
Hubby and I have another date on Friday. Not sure what we're going to do yet. We'll see.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Quick Update
I am now officially moved into my new abode. Freakin exhausted. It took us a total of about three days to move all four of us.
It wouldn't be honest to say everything was a smooth transition. My mind is a flurry of activity, from outright astonishment that I'm here to guilt, sadness, excitement...
Anyway, had a nice semi-date with hubby today. Went and got a massage and lunch. He's doing much better, as am I.
Anyway, going to settle the old bones. Take care everyone. I'll give a full update soon.
It wouldn't be honest to say everything was a smooth transition. My mind is a flurry of activity, from outright astonishment that I'm here to guilt, sadness, excitement...
Anyway, had a nice semi-date with hubby today. Went and got a massage and lunch. He's doing much better, as am I.
Anyway, going to settle the old bones. Take care everyone. I'll give a full update soon.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Update
Thanks to all of you for the kind and supportive words. I've just been barely making it through these last few days. My emotions range from both extremes, but I feel the choice I made is the correct one for things to get any better in the future.
I move this weekend, which I am looking forward to. A little space and time to gather my thoughts unimpeded will be good. Although a ping of melancholy hits me every once in awhile when I realize what I'll be missing at home. But change is never easy. I'll be okay.
For those interested in the other side of the story as it progresses, my husband has decided to also keep an online blog (link located to the right under littermates). He has read my blog and I'm okay with that. If nothing, I feel honesty is the best thing right now.
So...comics to start up again probably after I move and I have a few free moments to myself. Right now I'm just living day to day, and that's okay.
Will update soon. Take care good friends. :-)
I move this weekend, which I am looking forward to. A little space and time to gather my thoughts unimpeded will be good. Although a ping of melancholy hits me every once in awhile when I realize what I'll be missing at home. But change is never easy. I'll be okay.
For those interested in the other side of the story as it progresses, my husband has decided to also keep an online blog (link located to the right under littermates). He has read my blog and I'm okay with that. If nothing, I feel honesty is the best thing right now.
So...comics to start up again probably after I move and I have a few free moments to myself. Right now I'm just living day to day, and that's okay.
Will update soon. Take care good friends. :-)
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