I really needed that...

It's been a rough time.

I've been overloaded with work and Toastmaster's stuff. I mean, we're talking almost mental breakdown overloaded.

Because my workload has been so full and I haven't been able to accomplish much, I've been feeling a bit like a failure. A failure to myself, a letdown to others. I hate feeling this way.

Only in the past couple of days, has this started to alleviate. I caught up at work...somewhat. I had a good discussion with my boss. I took my time going home today, and figured out my mess of finances.

As I was sitting, trying to make some progress with Toastmasters stuff, I get a text message. It's from my brother.

Long back story...when my mother adopted my brother (along with an unwilling stepfather), he came from a very rough life already. Top that with an uncaring adoptive father and a sick mother...well, he's had a rough time. Immediately after they adopted him, my family moved to Maryland. I didn't speak to him for years. I knew how rough it was, but there was nothing I could do miles away.

When my mother divorced my step-father, she took my brother with her, but they moved in with my grandmother and discipline became top priority to both of them. I felt bad for the poor guy. He's always been a good kid in bad circumstances. Between my mother's helplessness, my grandmother's frustrations and some very bad peer influences; he had it very difficult. However, at this point I was dealing with a rough marriage and no matter what words of advice I gave the matriarchs of my family, they insisted on ruling with an iron fist.

When he moved in with my aunt, she was almost the complete opposite. He continued to get into trouble, yet displayed great talent musically. He showed his intelligence and caring only to those few who showed no judgment and kept mostly to himself.

Eventually he moved out on his own. I breathed a small sigh of relief hoping that on his own, he would feel a bit of freedom and finally be able to take responsibility for his own actions. Yet, I always felt immense guilt not taking a larger role in my brother's life. I was assigned the role of older sister and therefore guardian, and failed miserably.

Before my mother went into the hospital, we exchanged phone numbers and from time to time, I would receive a funny text message or two. When she went into the hospital, I was the one to call him. And to my surprise, it was in me he confided his guilt over not crying over my mother's death.

Since that day, he still text messages me questions and just quick hello's to let me know he's alright, but tonight...

Tonight, I received a question about relationships and finances. I gave my honest opinion and tried to stay respectful to his relationship. Towards the end, it went like this...

My brother: "Thanx! Ur good at givin advice!"

Me: "No problem. I'm flattered you'd ask"

My brother: "Well I trust u and uv never let me down!"

Enter one very stunned Onyx.

Of all the things anyone has said. Of all the things he could have said.

...

I guess it's time to blog again

I had almost considered writing this in my personal blog. Some things, as a friend recently said in a blog entry of hers, you're just not ready to share with the world. Being aware that certain people read your blog sometimes entices you to restrict what you're saying, but that would go against the very principle of what I believe...that in sharing our deepest and scariest fears we deny others the ability to share and know they're not alone in what they feel.

I'm at a point in my life where honestly I have everything. A good job, a nice car, a new house, (an old house), good friends, two loving cats, and even an internet connection and an iPhone. Yet, damn you Disney, I still feel like something's missing.

Why Disney?

Well, because when I was a little girl...heck even two days ago...I watched movies about true love and happily ever after. I thought I had it once only to find out that my Prince Charming was a frog. He was a good person, but ours was not a happy existence.

Now...I find myself yearning again for that feeling of being a couple. Falling asleep in someone's arms, feeling safe and being watched after, sharing intimate moments and even bad ones.

Ever feel like maybe you hit a quota? A limit? Like there's no chance it's going to happen again because...well, just because?

My mother and grandmother both ended up single. I wonder what they feel? Felt, in my mom's case. Does my grandmother after all these years still yearn for that feeling of couple-dom anymore? Or is she stronger than me?

Our brain is a wonderful invention, yet causes us so much harm. There's no reason why I should imagine what it's like. Why do I ponder late at night what it would be like to have someone to hold me in my bed? A nice chest to rest my head on, a loving hand caressing my hair and soothing away my worries.

I'm a successful adult woman. So why do I still have the dreams from my childhood playing through my mind?

What Happens After This?

I'm at our new house right now. Everything is empty except for a few pieces that I've moved. I'm waiting on the gas guy right now to finish. I can hear clinking from the garage. I'm perched on the steps, typing away, working. I'm wearing my white business shirt with jeans and bare feeties. And oddly enough...I feel like I'm in a scene from a movie. You know the scene. Where the career woman is moving into her new place. But, this place isn't mine solely. Just weird. Sometimes I catch myself in a moment and think to myself, "when did I get to be so fortunate (and unfortunate at times) to be that woman in the movie I wanted to grow up to be? And why doesn't it seem as great as it looked on the screen?"