Changes, changes

I started Weight Watchers gain after a period of time being away. My Fitness Pal and Sparkpeople did not work for me at all! I gained like 5 lbs! In one week!! Ugh. So anyway, they have a new program. It's not going to be easy to learn. But I already lost a couple of pounds so obviously, it works. So I just need to do those things I know work.... 1) Plan my day 2) Check my points BEFORE I eat 3) Stay in my points range 4) Exercise at low intensity, frequently 5) Find alternatives to when I'm hungry I think #5 is my biggest struggle right now. So...ideas... a) drink water b) exercise or take a walk c) eat veggies/fruits which means I need to make sure they're in the house Ok (clap) let's do it!!!

Where do I even begin?

I suppose at my state of mind. Well that sounds easier than it really is. How about my physical status? I'm horribly tired. Between getting ready for thanksgiving, work, and driving Ricky in, I'm soooo tired. And I have come to realize that being tired is not good for me. It's makes me irritable, impatient, uncaring, just a bad person all around. So I suppose my first concern would be to make sure that I have enough rest. The rest? Well I think I'm suffering from a mid-life crisis. At least this was my announcement last night. Sitting with Sam and Ricky, I just came to a sudden realization and blurted it out, "OMG, I'm having a mid-life crisis!" So now they won't stop bugging me about it. "So tell me about your mid-life crisis. What are you going to do about it? Why do you feel this way?" So I immediately thought, "This is why I don't share." (then imagine a grumpy cat face) Ugh! Why do I share this stuff? I already feel sensitive about sharing personal info. Especially this. Hell if I know how I feel or what I'm going to do about it. So now I need to figure out what to do or even if I'm right. And get some sleep. Ugh.

Holidays

Holidays are always so stressful for me. I've pretty much been depressed since Saturday. I don't know if it has anything at all to do with turning 40. Some of it is that both my parents are passed away. It's rough celebrating a day that wouldn't have occurred without them. On top of that, Ricky hasn't gotten my gift yet. I know this because we share bank accounts. It's not that he hasn't gotten it, it's that I gave him $200 for the week, and he spent it. Which left me taking money out of my budget for birthday dinner. And then Fallout last night. Which makes me nervous that he's going to take more money out of the account, that I can't afford, for my gift. I'm all in knots about it. On top of that, Anne invited me to a birthday dinner at Jordans tonight. She invited my aunt and grandma, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen, so now I'm all anxious about it. Then, I'm also sick. Allergies have got me coughing and feeling like crap. My preferred event to celebrate this day so far? Crawl into bed and sleep through it.

Frustration

My frustration seems to be mounting and my patience wearing thin. I had several issues this morning which I probably could've handled a bit better. Par for the course, I'm an sick. I think it's just allergies, but this always happens around my birthday. My throat is in a constant status of irritation. Whether an itch or sore, it's constantly annoying me. This does not put me in a good mood for patience. Ridley and I drove Ricky into work today. We left about 6:30 a.m. Ricky was impatient himself. Work had called him a dozen times and he was feeling pressure from all sides. Because both me and the boy weren't feeling well and we had time to spare, I mentioned getting a hot chocolate to the boy. He liked the idea. I perused my mind for the best options which would also be the most efficient. I considered Quiktrip, which would be the least expensive but the most time consuming potentially considering the traffic. I settled on Starbucks at Frys. I had attempted to go there twice last week, but they were out of decaf (if I have caffeine my body literally freaks out), but had assured me that they're next delivery as in two days. I got Rids out of the car, we walked to the locked door, went to another locked door, then finally found an open one. The ladies were unloading their wares and I asked if they were open. They assured me they were and asked what I wanted. I asked for a hot chocolate, not too hot for my boy, then asked for their Toasted Graham Latte Decaf...to which she replied they had neither Toast Graham Lattes or Decaf. I was pissed. Upon reflection, I probably should not have been. But I just wasted my time because they couldn't manage a coffee shop IN A GROCERY STORE. Anyway, I cancelled ALL of my order and took Rids to Quiktrip. Were apparently they were out of whipped cream and the machine went out before the hot chocolate, but we were able to dispense our own, so no big deal. I dropped Rids off at school and apparently spending QT (quality time) with my kid is detrimental to both of our sanities, because he literally clung to me at school. Would not let me out the door. The male teachers just stared in boredom while I drug my 4 year old across the floor reiterating mommy would be back soon. Finally he stayed in place and screamed and cried because I was leaving. I literally wanted to drop on the floor right then and there and cry with him. But I mustered my mommy strength and left while feeling massively defeated. I still had a whole day to do. I had to get ready for vacation tomorrow (I told him we were going to Disneyland tomorrow...together...why wasn't that enough for a guilt-free separation today?) I had to deal with my allergies (in my rush I forgot my medication). I had to figure out why I was so emotional and why I mistrusted my roommate. Too much. Too much. I almost got run over (again) on my way back to the car. See? This is why I'm such a bitch. I should see the good in today right? My child loves me. I get to go to Disneyland tomorrow. I have some money to vacation. I DIDN'T get run over. Right? PMA!!! Ugh, go fuck yourself.

OCD about everything

Something has snapped in my brain. I realize that we only have about five months to raise the money we need and improve our credit score in order to get a house. I'm gonna admit it. Odds are pretty slim. It's not like I haven't tried in the past. But it's like there's a special service my ex uses that indicates when would be a good time to completely douche me. For instance, my ex and I combined our student loans. Now they are about $170k. Guess who gets to take care of all that? I tried texting him and calling him to take care of at least a portion. Anything. Be a responsible adult. I've taken care of taxes, bills, student laons (I paid about $4500 last year, think that made a dent? Of course, not.) So now I have to pony up again. About $500 a month. If I'm lucky. And MOST of it is his. Argh!!!! There's nothing I can do. He refuses to be an adult and get a real job or take on real responsibilities. And then he has the audacity to try to finagle money out of my old SIL. Son of a --!!!! So, yeah. Otherwise life is good. My husband is sweet, my son is perfect, and my friends are great. Oh but my OCD, I've downloaded tons of finance apps. Each one has been horribly lacking. Who can just lump their bills in by month and pay like that? Has no one ever heard of paycheck to paycheck? Seriously?!? Ugh. Anyway, headache is coming on. I need a nap. Life is good, life is good, right?

My North Star

Okay, so I'm reading this book on finding your North Star. It's awesome, but emotionally taxing and quite a bit of work. I think I'll start keeping this blog again and do some of the exercises in it. I also need to vent and get rid of some of these demons in my brain. So exercise #1 (in this arena anyway), write my life story from a hero perspective. Amy was born to Peiggi and David Ball. Two people in love, but unable to make things work out, they separated and decided to share the child. Very much in love with her daughter, Peiggi moved in with her mother and sister and aunt. They adored the baby. Amy was surrounded with constant love and adoration. As Amy grew older, the woman taught her about love, respect, and education. Intellect and creativity was encouraged in the family, and Amy never had an issue with her studies. Peiggi remarried when Amy was an adolescent bringing in two new sisters. She adored them and found a way to become close to both of them in her own way. Diana was street smarts. Hurt by the recent divorce of her father and mother, she still took Amy under her wing and treated her as her own sister. Donna, the younger step-sister, was also hurt by the recent events and took a bit longer to grow warm to Amy. However, as soon as the girls spent time together, they were the best of friends. Giggling long into the night and watching out for eachother always. Amy didn't have the ability to see her father much. He remarried and was busy trying to build his business and provide for the family. However, the brief times she did see him, he took her around with him and she learned about good work ethic and donuts. Her father never left her behind. He could have had her step-mother babysit her throughout the day, but he always woke her up at 5 a.m. and dragged her along to shows and events. He instilled in her the ability to work hard, and be strong. When Amy grew into a teenager, the family moved to the desert. Hauling water and burning trash was commonplace. However, she experienced what most teenagers don't out in the wild. She learned about wildlife. Experienced storms in the desert. Made a comfy place in a glutch. Put out fires, raise a horse, learned about snakes and experienced how the other half lived. Most of her friends lived in trailers, and from them she learned the importance of friendship and bonds. She also learned that she was special. Her teachers would test her and find out she was smart as a whip, but hated homework. Quite often she would grow bored of school and find other ways to keep herself entertained, such as with romance books and music. In her last year of high school, the family moved again. Closer to family and in the city. Amy adapted well. She finished school a bit early and started her working career. Although, only 17, her employers were always happy with her work and surprised at her ability to do more. She survived some rough bumps from employers who just wanted the minimum, but she never settled. She always pushed for more. At a young age, she learned to take care of those around her. Her mother became sick and Amy would stay with her through doctors visits, always taking a book, never complaining. Responsibility came early, and Amy helped provide the family with financial support. Paying rent, her bills, and her own school. Although, she never had much money leftover, she always made sure those around her were taken care of. Never concerned with her financial future to help and spoil those around her. Amy married early to a man she believed she was in love with, later realizing she was pulled in by his need for help. She spent 14 years supporting him, but all the while, taking care of herself. Going to school, working full-time and supporting her husband, she gave her all. She repeatedly tried to find the right combination to make it work. They supported his father, watched over his grandmother, and finally purchased a house of their own. When Amy could no longer take anymore, she made the final step and went to a therapist. She'd done all she could and finally made the decision to leave for a better life. Moving in with her friends, Ricky, Kenna and Bryant. She was finally free to be herself. She made friends. Went out. Lost weight. Purchased mini cooper just for herself. Led teams. Let herself really be herself, goofy, nerdy, fun. Still helping her friend out financially and taking on the responsibility for her ex-husband, Amy's finances remained tight, but she felt she did the right thing. She didn't turn her back on those who needed her. Money wasn't important. Security and taking care of those she loved was. Her mother got sick in 2005 and she visited her every day, thinking her mother would be out any day. She wasn't and Amy stood by her side with she slipped away. Her mother finally received the peace she was looking for. It affected Amy in ways she couldn't comprehend. While still maintaining a relationship with her grandmother, she stayed away from the family, taking time to recover emotionally. As time passed, Amy fell in love again. This time is was all consuming and passionate. This love was returned. And no matter how she tried to get away, he wouldn't let her. Her north star was telling her that although the circumstances were not good, THIS was her man. Her soulmate. The person she was supposed to be with. Rather than denying that feeling, she gave in. And for once, he showed her that he wanted her. Couldn't live without her. After a while, they both made the leap, trusting in each other and decided to build a life together. Within six months of dating, she became pregnant. The entire family was happy and supportive. He stood by her side and supported her, even though it scared him thoroughly. She weathered a stressful job, a new baby, a stressed boyfriend, and her own doubts and came out stronger for it. Her child turned out to be a truly happy human being who socialized and interacted with everyone. Her own relationship became stronger and her boyfriend asked her to marry him. Something she never thought would ever happen. He created a truly beautiful and fun proposal and all her friends and family gathered together to celebrate. They married in Vegas, dressing up in Spaceballs costumes and being thoroughly in love. However, one month before the wedding, her father got into an accident. Even though she was at a new job (which hired her with virtually no questioned asked), she went down to the hospital every day. She held his hand, talked to him, talked to the family, told him she loved him and how happy she was with him in her life again. Two days before her wedding, he passed away. All her friends and family gathered around her and supported her. Her boyfriend called people to action, to ensure she felt loved and heard. The year after that, she grew emotionally. Standing up for her son and her family, she supported and made a loving house. Supported her friend, Amanda, who went on to school in Spain. And helped out Ricky's friend, Sam, to get out of an abusive relationship. She currently resides in Phoenix, working an awesome job, getting paid lots of money, loved by her husband and son, family and friends. She vacations and spends a lot of time with friends and family. Now the rest is up to her...

Less Facebook, more Blogging

Well, that's probably what is going to happen anyway. I'm tired of doing things...mindless things...that I shouldn't be doing. I'm tired of wasting my time on stuff that helps me avoid the unavoidable. I watch way too much tv and Hulu and Netflix and movies and Facebook. I need to be exercising, and playing with my son, and cooking healthy meals and washing the car, cleaning the house, cleaning the yard. Perhaps that's why people have all the time in the world to do such stuff. The only issue is I tend to end up doing this stuff alone. While the roommates are watching tv or smoking, I'm cleaning and then I feel like I'm being antisocial. Plus I really need to contact a while bunch of friends and family, but there's so much of them!! Anywhoo...hopefully I can get my butt in gear and start making some healthy changes. My man is stressed and so is our two roommates. Healthy eating can help. Plus my boy needs some healthier habits. He just got so finicky as he got older. Grrrrr.... So no tv. Even hubs had agreed to that at one point. Or at least limited tv. Perhaps I can get them involved in some Wii sports instead? Hmmmm.....

Feeling like family

It's funny. Most of my friends that have siblings, especially female ones, tend to complain about them. In a way I feel like I'm part of a family, because that's what I'm going to do right now. My sister hath done decided to quit the Facebooks. Reason? More than likely she doesn't like seeing everyone opinions on them. I love my sister. However, her inability to respect someone else's opinion or even hear them, is quite annoying. I'm a big...BIG...Socratic fan. How do you experience life and learn if you don't share experiences and opinions with others? Especially ones that do not agree with your own? Oddly enough, whenever situations like this arise, I turn inward and think about my own actions. I've been a bitch lately. I've been very judgmental and complainy. I need to focus on love, acceptance, and happiness. And start DOING the things and exhibiting the traits I admire most.

Fathers Day

I guess I haven't opened myself up completely in this blog. Not sure why. Not like very many people read it...and those who do, aren't familiar with my life. A couple of years ago, my father told the family of his disease. Pulmonary fibrosis. The outcome? Eventual death, absolute, 3-6 years. But the anticipated amount of time we thought we had left with him was 5 years. (What we all probably actually thought was ten...at least I did. My mother was only given a few years at 18, but she persevered through 54.) Last September, after starting my new job, my step-mother called me. In hysterics. My father was in an accident. Given his other ailments and the fact that he had a rather large gash in his head, we didn't know how much longer we had with him. When I entered the room, he lay in a bloody mess on the hospital bed. Doctors and nurses diligently doing their duty, checking tubes, checking bandages. My father was awake but weak. I remember he kept telling my step-mom "Sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over again. We didn't think he'd make it through the night. But his surgeons were amazing. Although he had cracked ribs, punctured lungs, infection, they managed to keep him in ICU for a month. It was a horrendous month. We all wanted to help my dad. Because of his lungs, they couldn't completely knock him out. So instead they had him moderately relaxed and out of it. Tubes were coming out of his mouth. It looked horrendous. We sat by his side every day, and let him sleep at night. Eventually they fixed him up but he still had a trach. It was likely that he wouldn't ever get off a ventilator, but everyone was still optimistic. The night they transferred him to long term acute care, he passed. His heart wasn't strong enough. He passed away without anyone being there. My step-mother said it was most likely the way he would have wanted to go. I agreed at the time, but thinking of my own passing now...I don't know. Once my father passed away, I mentioned taking his ashes and spreading them in Montana. He loved Montana...the mountains...the fresh air. My step-mother and the family had agreed saying they had already discussed it. I was told I would be kept in the loop for plans. Months passed. Eventually I asked my step-mother what they were thinking of doing. To my astonishment, I was told that plans had already been made. I wasn't approached because they weren't sure if I could come "with work and all." I was crushed. I didn't let on though. Apparently they had chosen to mourn together. I wasn't invited. All the years of frustration and hurt slowly came bubbling up again. I thought I was only crushed a little. Then the realization came that their trip was during Fathers Day. The first Fathers Day after my fathers passing. No one called or texted. I lashed out. I yelled at my husband and my roommate that week. I was hurt. I still am. I don't know what I hope to accomplish with this entry. A venting? A record? Who knows. Hopefully, this will allow me to move forward and start patching up my life again. I sound so dramatic, but in all honesty I've been a shambles the past few weeks...I can't trust anyone. I can't let them in. I'm afraid of being hurt again...as everyone is I suppose. But I must find my way to trust and to love again. To realize that what others do and say doesn't really matter. The good stuff does, but only I have to power to let the bad stuff hurt me. I choose happiness.

Mindfulness

Today I'm going to try to be more mindful. I always rush everywhere with everything. It's a habit, and admittedly something I'm proud of. Not a lot of people would probably tell you that. I'm a staright up Type A, OCD personality. I wasn't always this way. You see, society groomed me to be so. Even with their articles about Type A personalities suffering from burn out and heart attacks, Type As are really what they want. Want the best job? Work long hours, be the best at what your at, be fast. Want the first ticket? The first spot in line? The best seat? Be competitive. You want the best? Then you have to be first! It's not easy for me to slow down. I feel antsy. Like I'm being lazy. I can see all the spots in the house that need to be cleaned. My to do list growing. My work begging to be worked. The only time I really relax is when watching a show I enjoy...Game of Thrones, the latest Harry Potter movie. Bath? I don't have one. Not in our shower anyway. And to take one in the guest bathroom would require schlepping everything over. Doing my nails? I need money and time to do that. Massage? Time and money again. Amy, why don't you sit quietly in your room and read a book? Okay, so in order to sit quietly in my room your going to assume that (a) I won't fall asleep and (b) my son and my husband will say something like "I totally understand, go get yourself some quiet time." I know....excuses, excuses. But doing things on my checklist make me feel better. It helps me relax. It burns calories. It gets things done. BTW, have an appointment to see the cardiologist in July.

No time!

I feel like the rabbit in Wonderland sometimes. I start a blog entry, get distracted by something that HAS to be done, then lose my momentum when I return back to it (minutes or hours later.) I had this marvelous idea for a blog entry yesterday. Yesterday, I visited the rheumatologist. I'd been worrying about this appointment. In the end, he told me what I had suspected all along. My CRP levels aren't rheumatoid related, they're heart related. All my burger king croissanwiches and frappuccinnos have caught up with me. I'm not the unhealthiest eater around, but I'm not the best either. In a way, when they tell me I don't have some major debilitating illness, I feel almost sad. Why? Because both of my parents suffered from horribleness. I saw my mom suffer for most of my life. My father I watched slowly fade away before the abrupt accident that took him from us. Now I suffer from paranoia that when I go into the dr's office next, I will be diagnosed with some similar illness. Then when I'm given the all clear (come 'on, being told I probably have clogged arteries while still having a normal chol and blood pressure reading, is not an issue, it's just a lifestyle change), I feel guilty. I feel bad that my parents had to suffer. That I could do nothing for them. That I wasn't there more. And in a way, suffering myself would be penance for all the times I wished I was there to take the burden from them. I know my parents would not feel the same way. They'd tell me to rejoice and live life to the fullest. Even though both of them had been sick, they both lived every day to the fullest and most enjoyable (that they could.) Well, looks like work is calling again....

Raising myself up a bit

Since my father died (and my mother), I've had a difficult time being happy. I feel guilty. Like I should just continually mourn both of them passing so young. On that same note, I don't really feel great about myself. My self-esteem is low...I think all in an effort to keep myself humble and not happy. Comfortable, but not happy, or least not estatic. So this is an effort to see myself in a better light. Ways I'm as good as I don't think I am: - I help more than I think - We pay for my grandmas phone every month without thinking of it - We pay for my Riddles grandma's phone every month without thinking of it - We support two friends without any financial obligations or expectations - We usually take our friends out, paying for meals or admissions - We usually include everyone and attempt to make everyone happy - I bake every one cakes - I'm an accomplished, sought out analyst and programmer (I've had one job made for me, and three bidding wars.) - I seek knowledge to understand. - I found my soulmate and I'm very happy with him - I have a great kid - I have a Masters degree - I've won city wide competitions for speeches - I was there for both my father and mother passing

Can't wait to go to con!!

Freaking out today for a myriad of reasons...

The child had a fit today. He swung at Ricky. Not big, not even intentional I think, but he had a meltdown when Ricky confronted him about it. Then when I took him to daycare, I kept repeating that he needed to listen to his teachers and he kept saying no. That he didn't want to learn. I'm starting to rethink this now. Rids has never really been one for NOT liking something. Especially when it involves other kids. Unsure if its the environment or not being around mom and dad. I think I need to look into this a little further. Hmmmm.....

Sexy Music

The hubby and I went to a painting class the other day...on a work night no less! We were feeling feisty. Or as hubs put it, "we always go to dinner for date night...let's DO something." Glad he did. We packed up the kid and dropped him off at KidsPark (bedtime be damned) and headed over to Pinot's Palette! Now, we did NOT bring wine. I already felt guilty enough knowing Rids was close to meltdown at the daycare place, much less be a drunk parent on top of it. We hung out and had fun. Even met a guy who lost a briefcase on break..outside the store...he said there was something in the briefcase...and tried to sell us a computer he "found". Oh the fun! At the end of the class, I had to sprint over to the daycare to pick up Rids (class ended at 10, and daycare at 9:30). So I ditched my big man for my little man. When I got there, he was standing at the window looking out, waiting for his parents. It broke my heart. He seemed to be in good spirits though, standing there waving excitedly without shoes on. When I asked, they said he was throwing his shoes at things and people. One more hurdle... As I bundled him up in the car, I repeated how we are not to throw things period. And we should listen to our teacher. And how much I loved and missed him. We then headed back to pick up the hubs. Then left for home. The child passed out cold and we got the chance to spend some quality time together. So we kicked back in bed and started to play rock trivia. It was honestly the most fun we've had together for awhile. Not sure what got into both of us. At one point I turned on Marvin Gaye and hubs exclaimed this was a bad idea because anyone within hearing distance would know what we were doing. Okay, switch to the cure station on Pandora. As we started getting intimate, I kept laughing. I don't think I've ever "done it" to music before. It was so surreal and corny. But we continued and actually ended up enjoying ourselves thoroughly. I don't get to spend much alone time with my hubby. I miss it so much. Hopefully this is just the start to a continuing tradition.

Starting afresh...but not before I go "full hog"

Ugh, between turning 40 this year (you didn't hear it from me), just not feeling good and unhealthy, and actually getting tests that say I'm not feeling good and unhealthy, I've decided to make a commitment. A commitment to empty my pockets into a popular weight loss company (which was already getting my money online already.) First meeting was tonight. I do need the support, the positive reinforcement, the accountability. I just keep thinking, what if I die a fatty? I know that sounds a little harsh, but hey, facts is facts. It is what it is. And if I die never having been a "normal" weight...well technically I guess there is nothing I can do about it, but the thought makes me very upset right now. So after gym class with my baby (who had a meltdown, pushed a kid, and climbed into a barrel while another kid rolled him around), I headed to WW. Just the thought of going made me feel better. It's nice to share, get ideas, see I'm not the only one who is emotionally attached to my eating. There were plenty of other people there with low self esteem and a desire to beat themselves up after eating a candy. However, my old body went into overdrive and bought a Wendy's spicy chicken meal on the way home. I'm beyond uncomfortable. I feel my face bloated. My stomach is in my throat. Ugh. But hey, I DID enter it into my journal. An amazing feat. Usually I sweep this stuff under the carpet and pray it doesn't show up on the scale. Progress....

Well this has taken an unexpected turn...

...and you get to be the first to know. Other than my husband and our two close friends. I really don't want anyone else to know although I told hubby if he needed to talk to others about it, than he had my support. This weekend I got an infection of the breast. We're thinking it was my piercings. But they did full blood work and also a mammo...my first. Which I was actually glad to get. My mammo came out completely clean. However my bloodwork...CRP close to 100. It's supposed to be about...oh....1. The doctor asked me to do a follow up with my PCP in a week. So, what does this mean? 1) Could mean absolutely nothing. Could be the infection in my breast, I go back for more bloodwork, and my CRP level is lowering. Just the infection. or 2) Lupus 3) Leukemia 4) Heart issues (inflammation of the arteries) 5) Something else completely uch So my follow up is Friday. I should probably not worry, but I can't help it. My mind wanders and I've been pretty m

Good lord!

How am I to get everything done? First of all, just feeling better is a big thing. I want to lose this weight but everything seems to be an obstacle. So let's list stuff and see if we can figure out some answers: - Sleepiness: Take a walk. Get moving. Do a project that motivates me. Organize! Take a nap! - Throat hurts: This is a hard one. Usually I want to eat. So...start carrying cough drops. Take pills consistently. Drink water. Stop eating before bedtime. Don't lay down until bed. Get gum. - Cold: Make sure I always have a good jacket, blanket, mittens, hat. Keep at work! - Bored: Read a book. Work on goals. Clean house. Take a walk. Log into Blogger. Do something on Wunderlist. Play a video game. Start a new project. - Eat oatmeal. Helps lower cholesteral AND acid reflux! - Eat beans, pasta, applesauce, oatmeal, and ginger.