I've got that funky feeling

You ever had that period in your life in which everything just feels off kilter? You're self-esteem gets just a little bit lower, you're paranoid about everything around you? Your relationships? Your finances? Your dirty house?

I hate this feeling, and I seem to be engulfed by it lately. Some days I just want to bury myself under my bedcovers at home and ignore the world. My mind runs to all the things I should be doing or feeling.

I feel fat. I feel pimply. I feel unwanted. I feel messy. I feel lazy. I feel barren. I feel guilty. I think I've run the whole bad-feeling gambit this week. I know I've gotten out of these funks before, but heaven knows how I attempted it. I do believe part of it is my inability to lose weight. I seem to lose a little and then gain it right back again. I've been on this freakin plateau for about a year now, and it's really starting to get to me.

Then, of course, my mind drifts to children. And the thought of, "Do I really want them?" I mean, if I was really desperate to have a baby, wouldn't I have kicked myself into gear and stopped drinking caffeine by the bucket? Started exercising with more diligence? Stopped wolfing down red meat and cookies?

I have no self-control. And I really don't feel like an adult. Are hubby and I just going to end up being one of those couples without kids that everyone looks at and thinks are so shallow because they have the ability to take off at a moments notice? Have the nice house? Nice car? Quiet retirement? I mean, when we get old, who will we have to personally ignore us and make excuses?

Love/Hate Relationship

With just about everything in general. It was most definately an interesting holiday weekend.

It all started with Tuesday in which I left work a little early to visit an old friend and also pick up hubby's XMas gift. From work, I headed over to Wal-Mart and picked up a new Sirius satellite receiver. I have been planning to get one for hubby ever since last year, but just haven't had the chance, didn't like the price, or was waiting for better offers. Then I headed over to a resteraunt where a friend of mine was working. It was only a temp gig until she gets permanent work, but funny thing...she was actually offered a job that afternoon, so she could have quit and not worked the shift. (Later I found out she gave out halfway through the weekend and told them where to stick it. Hours sucked, pay sucked, everything sucked about it.)

That night we tested out the satellite radio (which we absolutely adore and can't live without now) and went searching for a ham. Did you know that apparently the new tradition for thanksgiving is ham? I didn't either until we went to two Costco's, both out of stock of hams but chock full o' turkeys. Fortunately hubby went scavaging and found a spiral ham in another refrigerated section.

Thursday turned out nice. I cleaned, rearranged furniture, cleaned some more, then cooked (not successfully), ate and cleaned some more. Apparently everyone loved the meal, but I was finicky. My mashed potatoes turned out gummy because I tried some new method (Screw you, Bon Appetit!)

Friday was P-Day. Monthly visitor. Damn!

Saturday was Weight Watchers, hanging out with Blue, saw the new 007 movie (a bit sappy for my tastes), and went clubbing. Well went club. We visited one club (full of hip-hop and the smell of dirty socks mixed with skunk...yes, you know what that is...don't play innocent with me). The place was too packed and everywhere people were smokin it up, so we stayed under an hour and got out of there. We headed over to a local bar and played pool until they closed. Then headed over to Castle to giggle like little schoolgirls. We poured over the Playgirl magazines searching for our favorite actors and singers in hopes of glimpsing their full glory. Since all the magazines were wrapped in cellophane, we had to purchase them to see the beauty within. Unfortunately as we got into the car and ripped open the plastic, all we found were pictures of fully clothed famous people and some pretty nasty naked pics of unknowns.

That just left yesterday. We didn't go to church. My intention was just to rest, but hubby and I got into a fight. That exhausted me even more and for some reason I had to stay up and watch Brokeback Mountain until 11 p.m. (I admit, it left me a little confused. But I suppose that's probably the way they felt too...so hey, mission accomplished.)

Which brings us to today. Back to work. Ugh! 30 more days until the next holiday. Countin it down...

Not much going on

My days usually consist of: waking up, getting ready, going to work, work, coming home, making dinner, doing my comic strip, and exercising. With a little television spattered in for good measure. For some reason this is killing me sleep-wise. Usually it's the television part. It pushes back everything to about 9 p.m. and then I end up exercising right before bed.

I am doing well with my diet and exercise, however on occasion I skip exercising and go crazy for the next day or so until I exercise again. Especially today. I skipped exercising because I was so darn tired. And quite frankly there's no making up for it in the a.m. I only do one thing in the morning and that's wake up. That takes all of my energy.

In addition to not exercising last night, I am bummed because both of my buddies at work have the day off today. Therefore I splurged this morning and got Burger King. I didn't break my diet, but I'm sure I'll reap the repercussions of a greasy breakfast later.

My mind is floating over to babies more often lately. Hubby and I were at Pei Wei last night. Apparently this is the place to take your kids, because there were a ton of them running around or being held by their parents. One girl came in with cute baby in tow to pick something up. In hubby fashion, he pointed them out by saying, "Check out the littlest Pei Wei eater over there." (He does this frequently, I think it's adorable.) Looking at her and her baby, I started getting a bit depressed. The baby was absolutely adorable. And all I could think was, "Am I ever going to experience that?" Cause quite frankly at this point, I feel like it's never going to happen. I was a good supportive wife though, and kept my thoughts to myself. No reason to pressure the husband into such things. But to my surprise, out of the blue he said, "I'm going to get that test on Monday."

I looked up at him, trying to figure out if this was his wish or he saw the utter desperation in my eyes and threw me a bone. But when I looked at him, he was looking at that baby. So, at least we're on the same page...if only our reproductive systems were.

Happy Mexican Revolution Day!!

And most importantly, welcome to the days before the holidays where you start picking projects that require little effort however meet the minimum requirement for "working" because quite frankly the three days before a holiday...suck.

This weekend was spent with much frivolity and spending. I spent virtually all day Saturday clothes shopping with Blue. We made a stop at Frefericks and I got some darling demi-cup bras and cute underwear. Then, after Blue gave me her size 13 pants, I tried a few size 12s for good measure. And guess what?! I fit!!! How wonderful to have gone down a few sizes. Of course, the pair I'm wearing right now are a 12 from Old Navy and they fit a little snug around the waist. But they're not uncomfortable by any means.

Sunday was spent taking grandma to lunch (we've been skipping church lately, which I have no issues with, I have faith in God, but not the church), shopping with a nother friend (finally found some cute and comfortable heels), and vistied mom and grandma (they gave me some Richard Simmons vhs tapes, but I should have realized there's no regressing from Billy Blanks to Richard Simmons).

By the time I got home it was around 7:30 p.m. I had dinner, worked, did laundry, and exercised. I'm surprised I have time to sleep anymore. But hey, that's what snooze buttons are for.

Well I'd best go. Happy Thanksgiving guys if I don't see/hear from ya!

I thought big boobs was a good thing?

On my list of many things to do, I have wanted to get a really nice collection of bras (and matching panties) for my wardrobe. I remember my grandmother telling me how a well known owner of a stage company, would get all of his actresses/dancers beautiful underwear because he felt that was they were wearing underneath reflected on how they felt on the outside. I want to look feminine and sexy for my husband, and myself.

So yesterday I was determined! I went to Target, picked out a few D cup sized bras (thinking I'm a borderline C/D) and headed off to the dressing room. I tried on all of them and thought, "What the hell?! None of these fit! I don't understand as my current bra is a D." But lo and behold, I checked my current (and worn out) bra, and the little tag says "DD".

"Oh great!," I thought, "Where in the hell am I going to get that size?"

Let me clue you in to a little thing called hypocrasy. Do you see those Victoria Secret models that strut their stuff on the runway, and have boobs that almost look Pamela style? None of those girls...NONE...are over a C cup. How do I know this? When I got fitted at VS back in the day, the lady told me I was a D, and unfortunately..."We don't carry those larger sizes." Ugh!

So, I checked the racks again, spotted some DD, and figured I would come back after I picked up hubby from work. As it turns out, we ended up at Mervyns.

I looked around and all the cute bras, you know the ones with cute prints and tiny lace., the half cups and demi-bras, were all available in D cup or smaller. So to make sure of my size, I asked the lady behind the counter to measure me again. Guess what? I was neither a D or a DD...I am a DDD.

Count 'em! Three whole frickin Ds! I politely asked her, with a bit of frustration in my voice, "But you don't have any in that size, right?" To my relief, she points me towards the back section and says, "Well all of our larger cup sizes are on that back wall."

Schweet! So I head over there to look at my myriad of options. I mean, it's a whole wall right? In this day and age of Pamela Andersons and Roseanne Barrs, surely they have a decent selection of larger cup size. Uh, hell no.

Out of the entire wall, there were two bra styles that had my size. One was a "minimizer" bra that scrunched your boobs in and flat. (Generous boobs = good, right? Why would I want to "minimize" them?) And the other style was perfectly designed...for my grandmother. Large and shiny. The kind that make your boobs look twice the size in addition to your body. Erk!!

I was so depressed and frustrated. I went straight home and looked online for bras that would fit me. But here's the problem. I'm a 38DDD. 38 is too small to be "larger sizes" and too big to find a cup in my size. Of the bras I found in my size, they're either sold out or $100 each. I even checked Lane Bryant, for the volumptuous woman. They didn't have any sizes below a 44.

Argh!!!! What the hell?!?! I thought this nation loved big boobs? I thought having big boobs and a waist counted for something in this nation? But once again, I find that what society says and what society does are two totally different things.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a coconut and string.

My Birthday

Remember the happiness of having a really cool birthday party? Maybe you're parents made arrangements for a pizza parlor and stuffed rodents. All of your truly best friends would come and you would gorge yourself of pizza and video arcade games. You would run around until you were exhausted then setle down for some birthday cake and presents...

Yeah, this birthday was like the exact opposite. I'd say it was the epitome of an adult party. No, not like that! In the respects that everything planned was postponed due to busy schedules or work.

First of all, Friday was my birthday. However IT decided to hold a potluck on that day. Ugh! So agreed with my close buddy, Literal Lou, that we would have the b-day lunch on Monday. He sent out all the invites and my little heart was floppin around at the idea of having lunch with all my close friends on Monday.

Saturday was the saving grace. We were supposed to have a BBQ, but no one could make it. No one save Blue. She came over Friday night, then all day Saturday. What a sweetie! We went to breakfast, Borat, and dinner. (Okay granted breakfast was greasy and dinner was just weird...do yourself a favor and never get chicken tamales, but I still had a fun time.)

Did I happen to mention nary a card or gift from hubby at this point? No? Well I did mention it to him. I wasn't expecting much, but some flowers would have been nice. I mean honestly, it really doesn't take much effort to say, "Wherever you want to go for dinner babe...it's YOUR birthday." *wink, wink*

Anyway, Sunday his back went out. We picked up gramma from church. Then headed out for lunch. I forget where, that's how memorable it was. And I did laundry and cleaned house all day.

Scoot ahead to Monday, big lunch, remember? Well a big project came in for the morning, due by when? That's right, one hour after my lunch. I was working feverently. Trying to get it done in time to go to lunch. First I was half an hour late, then we pushed it back an hour. Finally...the Director who requested the report came up and said, "Uh, yeah, I guess what I REALLY needed was percentages...not days. How long would that take?" Oh, just the REST OF THE ENTIRE FUCKIN DAY!

So lunch postponed until Friday. Erk!

That's it so far. I wonder what other bountiful surprises the birthday gods hold in store for me?

Bastards.

Ouch!

I guess if I only had a Bachelor's degree instead of a Master's I would have scored higher. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

You paid attention during 86% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

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Have I said this before?

I was looking over a friends entry again about infertility...and I was thinking about all the things people say to you when they find out you're having difficulties conceiving. So in the best interest of all my buddies (including me), here's a list of what not to and what to say to a person having fertility issues:

What NOT to say:

- Just relax and it'll happen.
- Try adopting. My friend adopted and on the day they went to sign she found out she was pregnant.
- You should probably lose some weight. I hear that weight can be a good factor.
- You can have mine! They're such a handful!
- Oh goodness, that's hard. Why me and hubby had no issues at all. We just thought of getting pregnant and it happened.
- So are you pregnant yet?
- You should try...insert anything here. (Believe me, we know, we've researched it, tried it, and then cursed it.)
- Why are you buying baby stuff? You don't know if you'll be able to have one yet, right?
- OMG! My neice just had a baby! Want to see the pictures?

What TO say:

- Hang in there, I'm sure it'll happen.
- You're trying? That's great! You two would make excellent parents!
- My friend just went through the same thing. If you want the name of a good specialist, let me know.
- Well I hope everything goes smoothly. I won't bug you with questions about it, but if you ever need to talk, I'll be here.
- You guys will have the cutest baby!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, it's that time again. Where I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and ask, "Is this the face of a 31 year old?"

Of course, I'm not stressing all that much. I still get carded at liquor stores at least half the time.

BTW, Happy Birthday Marines!!! They're 231 years old, and looking mighty damn fine if you ask me. Although my preference is still Air Force, but hey, I'm biased. I'm married to a former Air Force MP.

And also a Happy Veteran's Day to you brave men and women out there!! I thank you for your service. You had the balls to do what most of the population won't. Bless you guys!!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

So hubby and I had a fight last night. Like we've been having for a few nights. I won't go into the details, but needless to say I feel exhausted today.

One of the things that's good about going to work after a fight is the ability to mull things over in your head without spousal interruption. So I've been thinking...not about what we said, or how we said it. Just the fact that we've been saying it all. He's been grumpy and a pain in the ass, and I have been feeding into it.

I don't want to do this anymore. No...I'm not saying I want to leave...or want a divorce. I just don't want to argue.

So I called him up, left a voice mail message, simply stating, "I don't want to fight anymore. I love you and I want things to get better. Let's talk it over tonight over dinner."

I hope it works. I really am tired of all of this. I really don't want to be at eachothers throats and on eachother's nerves. We deserve better in life for all that we've worked for and worked through.

Heck, I don't even know if I should be writing this, as the fight and exhaustion is still occurring. All I know is I'm tired, and sad, and emotional. And I just want a nice relationship with my husband. I want to smile when I see him, I want him to smile at me...a good honest smile. One that says, "I'm so happy to see you. Let's snuggle and just be together."

I just hope we can get back there. I just hope.

Thank God for co-workers!

So I was talking to my friend, Literal Lou, the other day. Lately the topic of career moves keeps coming up. LL wants to move into systems architecture, and I would like to become a Project Manager someday. Why, you ask? (Okay, I know you didn't, but heck, this is my blog so I'm gonna tell ya.) Well, I invested all that money in a Masters degree. It'd be a shame to see that go to waste. Now having a Masters degree qualifies me to be a Manager. Or at least gives me the opportunity to be one. But...I hate management. I really don't want to be working 80 hours a week and kissing ass so frequently it looks like I've been sucking on lemons all day. So, next best thing?

Project Management!

I would love this. The ability to organize and schedule on projects with a definate end in sight. The ability to finish a project with a sense of accomplishement. The ability to drive people nuts then say, 'ta, ta' at the end of the project.

Anyway, where was I at? Oh yes...so LL mentions that if I'm really serious about this 'dream', that an opportunity has just opened up because one of the PMs is leaving and they need someone to manage a project she's leaving behind. Yikes! I said I wanted to do it, not actually, you know, DO IT!

So I think this over for awhile and come to the conclusion that nobody really gives opportunities, you have to make them yourself. I marched on over to my bosses' office. Shut the door. And told her of this fabulous opportunity and my willingness to go forward and my utter boredom with just running reports. I even had the good foresight to ask her if she felt I was up to the task of PMing (she replied yes). So she gave me a few other projects and said she would speak to the Lead PM and her own boss to discuss future opportunities for my growth.

Yay! Do you know what this means?! I'm going forward again!!

In addition to that, I lost a pound so far this week! YAY!! Moving forward again.

Now if we could just get hubby into that yank session.

Blueberry...you are SO gonna get it.

Blue has done extremely well with her weight loss. She's 2 pounds away from goal weight and started WW after I did. Well, I think I just found her secret.

Fuckin Billy Blanks. She started off doing Tae Bo and I remember her mentioning this before. This week, after getting through a bout of cold and TOM, I decided no more Ms. Nice Guy...or Ms. Lazy, however you want to look at it.

Previously, before the cold, I worked out to a Step workout and a Tai Chi/Kickboxing workout. Both were laborous, but I felt I needed more cardio in my arsenal. Since Billy Blanks worked so well for Blue, I thought I should add him to my library.

Today I took out two of the BB dvds I bought and considered whether I wanted a Fat Blasting Cardio session or just Fat Blasting Overall. Not being to keen on cardio lately, I chose the overall dvd and started working out.

Lemme first say this. I love Bill Blanks workout, I think he's a very inspiring guy. The people he choses to workout in his dvd are very realistic. But when you do his exercises...

you feel like your gonna die. Oh....My....God. That little bitch. It wasn't the eating, it wasn't the tracking points. It was ALL Billy Blanks. He works the fuckin PISS out of you. I think I held my own pretty well, but I didn't use the resistance bands (if I had, I would be blogging from the emergency room instead of my desk at home) and I took a few cardio breaks during the dvd. Instead of punching and jumping, I just punched.

Yes, I'll still watch my diet, but it's me and Billy all the way for the rest of my dieting days. Now excuse me, while I go puke.

How much can you take?

So in perfect alignment with every other test I've ever taken at the doctor's...

my gyn just called back with my test results. Everything is good. Pap, blood tests, everything. She said she was a bit concerned with the low insulin, the nurse practitioner, but she double checked with the doctor and the doctor said that was good. That means my body is working efficiently.

So once again, something's wrong but we don't know what.

I called hubby and told him it's important he do his tests now. And that it may not indicate anything is wrong with him. He could take the test and everything be good with his little guyzos, but then that means the next step would be an ultrasound on my tubes. I told him for all we know my tubes could be blocked, but that's okay because they can unblock them.

But so far....so good. I hope everything is okay on his. I have no freakin idea what to do if something is wrong with his part of the deal. Do you think maybe Kevin Spacey would be willing to give to the cause?

No Whammies, No Whammies...Ahhhh, Crap!

So here I sit, full blown out head cold, plus that TOM, PLUS end of month reporting. All on the same fuckin day. I've been totally out of it. Downing Dayquil like they were candies, popping cold drops like they were ecstasy (which quite frankly when you had a dry throat and a stuffy nose...they're better than ecstasy.) Everyone has been telling me at work to go home, but my boss. Which normally I'm sure she would, but we have corporate reports to do, and I don't want to put her in a bad position.

So here I sit, in misery, letting you know it may be awhile til the next update. Ugh!

In perfect tradition with the holidays...

It looks as if I have a cold. Damn it! Dry throat. Wet nose. A little ache and a bit warm. Son of a --! And to top it all off, it's reports day. The one day of the month where I get to do twenty reports all on the same day...hold that thought...ok, I'm back. Working from home before I go into work.

Speaking of work...my comic strip has been about work lately...I've added a comment box to my comic strip website...should you feel inclined, please leave a comment.

Yeah, that's it. A pretty lame segue, but what do you expect of me?! I've never claimed to be the next Chaucer. And it's 6 fuckin thirty in the a.m.!

(Okay, what does it say about a person when they know a word, can use it in a sentence, but then have to look up the spelling online? Fuckin segue! It just doesn't look right, does it? Akeelah, I'm not.)