Fifteen Years from Now

Okay so I can't read any further in my book until I get this done. Because I know if I don't, I'll never get it done. But it's important. Where do I see myself fifteen years from now or rather 26 things on my bucket list. Why is this so darn hard for me? I always question my decisions. Are they good ones? Are they selfish? #firstworldproblems

First off, where do I see myself 15 years from now. Well, hopefully alive. And in good physical and mental health. Rids will be 20. Wow, what a thought. I see him as a passionate young man, who knows his parents are there to support him but not baby him. I see myself with Ricky. Still laying in bed together, sharing ideas and feelings. I see myself as a successful businesswoman. Having helped set the company for success and being a leader in healthcare. Taking care of those who need it most. We are financially stable but always there to help others. We still have our clan of friends and we meet frequently, experiencing the most life has to offer. We've travelled the world and experienced culture. From tourist to genuine culture. I've helped set up programs to help those less fortunate. Did I mention I'm healthy and physically fit? I know who I am and where I fit in and felt I've made a lasting positive effect in the world.

1) Worked through my issues with my therapist
2) Physically fit and can run
3) Travelled the world
4) Be there for my family
5) Continue to have friends and family over for get togethers
6) Be a leader in my company to helping out those in need
7) Have all my teeth fixed and my family's
8) Live a healthy lifestyle
9) Experience a rock star lifestyle
10) Go back to NYC
11) Establish a learning clinic for those who need better skills
12) Study all religions
13) Have a phenomenal IQ
14) Be highly sexual and passionate with my husband
15) Experiment sexually
16) Have a fun work environment
17) Have a fun home
18) Have very close relationships with people
19) Have a tremendously good relationship with my husband
20) Go see a big celebrity in Vegas
21) Learn to drive like a bodyguard
22) Not be afraid of death
23) Learn to play basketball
24) Do gymnastics
25) Learn to fight
26) Learn more about politics and social structures

Super Tired

Yes, I'm THAT type of nerd. I played DND until 1 am last night. And then my boy decided to wake fully up at 5:30 in the morning. Damn you child!

However, I let his dad sleep in, so I can catch up to some work and some house work. It's peaceful here right now. Just have to remember to get in some good activity time with the kid. He's currently playing Minecraft. In the immortal words of Corbin Dallas, "It'll rot your brains out kid."

My emotions keep going in roller coaster waves, from "I can totally handle this!" to "WTF are you doing? Is it too late to back out?"

Things seemed less chaotic as a grunt. Now I'm a manager, it's like giving birth all over again. Let me give you an example. Friday afternoon, no meetings, perfect time to experience peace and quiet and catch up on requests. But no. One of my team decides to rely on me for a lot this afternoon. This is someone who would normally work with someone else, but they are out on vacation. And now I've opened that can of worms ("lemme help you!") and now it can't be unopened. Parenting in the first year is a lot like that. You want to get sleep but there's this tiny little helpless human being demanding to fed right this second. Okay not exactly the same, but similar. It's exhausting. Social interaction!

I just have to remember that it will become habit eventually. I'll find my groove. It will be all good.

9/11

So much going on in the world today. Hurricanes in Florida, wildfires in CA and Montana, Trump being an idiot. Yes, I said it. Everyone is either afraid to share their political views or gets in your face about it. I get it. But guess what? I don't like Trump. You may like him. We don't have to get heated or crazy or even passionate about it. I think the only reason people are passionate about the guy is because they either believe he's gonna save everyone or they feel they have to protect their opinion.

Guess what? I you say you like Trump, I'm probably gonna not like it, but I'll still like you. Unless you drown puppies or something, then you're a dick.

So, today I'm feeling so tired and achy, and my tummy hurts. So I stayed at home. I hate this damn "manager" schedule anyway. Most of my people work from home MOST of the week. I get it, being there in person, working with customers, does help. But mostly I don't see them in person either.

Right now, I just want to curl up in my bed and go sleeps. I'm sure my husband feels even more so. He mentioned time off today. I should push him about that.

So I made my own organization system...

...with help from other systems, of course.

Yes, I finally hit my OCD peak!

I just was frustrated with my inability to track projects and goals with Panda, but still loved the focus and gratitude it gave me. So I created my own system! Take that!

The nice thing about it is that I can update the template as it fits my needs. If something is missing, or I never use something...I can update it!

Of course, I'll be printing out about 7 pages per week, but it's probably less paper waste than if I ordered new books every 90 days.

I went full blown OCD today and made all my template pages, filled them out, started working on everything. And I must say, I'm exhausted, but happy. I still feel like I might be missing something in the details, but I also need to learn to focus on one (or a few things) at a time as opposed to everything at once. Which reminds me, I need to look at my to do list one last time from my old planner. Doh!

But as my psych says, don't view it as a problem. If it doesn't detract from your life, it's a good thing. Stop listening to all the naysayers and psych books! I still spent time with my family today, got stuff done, got focused. I didn't get in trouble for ignoring something and I created a new system that will work for ME! Go me!

Slave to the task list

It's 11 pm. I should be sleeping. But instead I'm writing in my blog because my to do list told me to.

It was actually a decent day today. I probably should have focused a little more. I have to keep repeating to myself, "I'm a manager. My goals are not mine anymore. I work for the people."

It's a very odd situation when you are a manager. Only because so many people have this preconceived notion of what a manager is and it's usually wrong.

I grew up (professionally) in the world of the 90s. TQM (total quality management), training, franklin covey. Back then, there was a real focus on what you put into something is what you got out. My company ensured that I took 40 hours of training a year..at minimum. And it showed. We regularly reviewed goals and values. I could tell you my own personal goals and actions and how it supported the company. I lived and breathed corporate culture. And it was good. It was a family owned business (until it wasn't) and I could take the President to task...if I knew what I was talking about.

Now I work for a big company. They try to embody goals and values, but it falls short. I don't get a sense from Management that they are there for the people. I don't think they get it. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love my company. I get the unique experience of helping out others who really need it with the guilty pleasure of actually getting paid well to do it.

However, I don't think management understands the bottom up pyramid that makes a successful company. Ever heard of it? Well, my customers are not only those who the company supports, they're my team. I'm not really here to manage the processes. I mean, I am. Bottom line, right? But my job, in totality, is to support my people. Not manage them, support them.

I need to recognize what they need. What they need to challenge them. What they need to make them happy about what they are doing. What they need to become efficient at what they are doing. What they need to do their job and do it well. That may be me praising them. That may be me scheduling training. That may be me pulling them aside and saying, "Step it up. I know you have it in you."

My husband is a very smart man. He's been doing this longer than I. He says that once you're a manager, forget the praise and the recognition. It's for your people now. Had a great project? It's your people. Customer is happy? It's your people.

It's just going to take me a little while to make that transition. Thank goodness I already have great people on my team. Makes it easier.

Turn it into a positive

For the past few days, I've had this task on my list. It simply says, "Find out what makes you happy." Today I turned it into, "Find out what makes you relaxed." Because quite frankly happiness is easy. It's tickling my son. Joking around with my girls. Cleaning the house. Finishing my task list (blog...check!) However, how to relax, that is still way beyond my ability.

Take yesterday for example...I sat on the couch. Knowing full well I should just be. Actually, take it a step back. Ricky and I were laying in bed. Nothing on. Just quiet. Ricky said, "This is nice. Just laying here." He was right. I couldn't remember the last time, we just sat in quiet.

There's always a tv or noise going on. We're always "doing" something. Dishes have to be cleaned. Work has to be done. Homework has to be completed. But we never just sit and just relax.

I mean, I've done meditation in the past. Honestly I should do it again. But who has time? I supposed I have to make time. Sounds so much easier.

I think I've explained I have OCD and anxiety. I mean, I kinda joked about it before. But then I went to see a therapist and a psych. I'm pretty much up there. Not like "wash your hands till they burn" up there but more like "if I sit for a minute, I can literally feel my skin crawl" up there. Do you know what's it's like to never rest? I mean, even when your sitting, your mind races wondering about the next "to do", what has to be done, what your NOT doing, what kind of life your leading, will you burn in hell for living a nice life with your stacks of Pop figures up against the wall while your fellow man is suffering from floods, wildfires, idiot politicians, deportation, homelessness...? Well I do. Every...damn...day.

I was reflecting on what made me so anxious, always worrying about doing too much and yet, at the same time, not enough. Perhaps it was my folks. My mother and father divorced early, so I went back and forth between the two. My mother was a free-spirit, always helping out the fellow man, loved being at church, extremely bright and well-read. My dad, however, was a staunch businessman, always making a buck, had street smarts, and whilst I was growing up, the focus was more on business than others. See where I'm going with this?

I loved my mother, but idolized my father. I knew I was like mom, but I wanted to be like dad. As I grew up, I became a smart businesswoman, and excelled at what I did. However, I still never felt good enough in my fathers eyes. Thank God for my mother who always beemed over every success I had. Told me I was great, I was smart, I was pretty. Of course, I didn't believe her. I was always the nerd, the outcast. But if it weren't for her words, I'm sure I would have spiraled into an even deeper depression than I experienced.

I was a lonely kid and always wanted acceptance, but was never willing to actually so the dumb things to obtain it. I tried to look pretty, but I refused to put out. I would joke around with the kids, but make high grades in my classes. i wasn't dumb but I was always pulled between the two worlds.

I always though growing older, I would have it all together. When you get older you don't give a crap what people think, right? Wrong. Still caught up in this web of being cool but still being a nerd. Still having values. And still telling the truth (just having to be more cautious of how I tell it.)

Perhaps someday, I'll feel better. Til then, wait, wasn't I supposed to think of ways to relax? Oh well, "forward" that task to tomorrow.

Good Friends, good times

Well at least I seem to be over my agitation at everything. Anne picked up Rids yesterday, and the initial part of the convo, was "Yeah, here's his school work and he's a good kid"...she's a 1st grade teacher so it's good to get her input. However, the end of it was me telling her how he'd been in trouble the past week and didn't want to listen to authority. Her lips got a bit pursed and of course, I took it personally. My anxiety sky-rocketed and I could feel the tangible judgement in the air. Not to say she was judging me, I just hate the idea of me or what I'm doing being judged, even if the situation just "is what it is".

The stuck with me, that and my frustration with my son, for a few hours. I snapped at Ricky. Then attempted to apologize for it, which he wouldn't let me "you don't need to say your sorry"; uh yeah, I do.

Then on the way to the show it was just back and forth nit-picking and general argumentativeness. His solution? "Snap out of it."

I hate that phrase. I'm a firm believer in you control your own emotions, but when I'm trying to acknowledge it and understand it to eventually get over it, I hate that phrase. Emotions are not so easily dealt with.

However, the rest of the night went well. I had my Strongbow and my charcuterie board. I met with lots of friends, have good conversations. The conversation I had with my brother was needed. We have both dealt with so many difficulties in life and neither knows the others story. We talked about Dad, Rids, relationships, dreams in life...and ended with the usual "I love you man!"

After kibitzing for a while, we headed home and passed out in exhaustion, knowing we wouldn't have to wake up early to the laughter of a 6 year old. My child is the love of my life (aside from Ricky) and I love being with him, but damn, that kid is exhausting. Perhaps it's me? Perhaps I struggle too much? Perhaps I'm too judgey myself. He definitely has obstacles to overcome and needs to listen more, but maybe, just maybe, I've failed in my ability to show him the better sides of things. I always have been supportive of the "question everything" and "teach them why, not just take demands". I know everyone may not agree with me, but it was the way I was raised and I think I did well. However, I have failed in showing him how fun "work" can be. How much fun "responsibility" can be. To take the lighter side of things. To take a bad situation and make it good.

Maybe I need to relax. Maybe I need to chill out and stop fighting it so much. We have such a difficult time saying we cherish differences, but ultimately we're all held to the same standards. I want my child to challenge those standards. I want him to be passionate and excel and think for his own. (I mean, I do want him to listen to...but he needs to decipher between whats a benefit and what is just something he doesn't want to do.)

So perhaps that will be my goal this week. Make life fun not only for me but my child. Work through things with fun and passion, even when the world thinks it's work.

It's funny, you spend the majority of your life finding yourself. Altering your goals and dreams and interactions for the best of you. But when you have a child, that world and that mentality is turned upside down. You're interactions now are being learned from. You have to think of what's best for the kid, not just you anymore. You have to teach someone else to live. Perhaps, I'm overthinking it. Whatevs. I just need to not struggle so much. Life shouldn't be this damn hard, and I'm making it so damn hard. *grumble*

What kind of a manager do I want to be?

I think I actually entitled one of my older blog posts that. And now, I AM the boss. So very weird. I go back and forth between thoughts of "You go girl! You got this!" to "What in the hell did I do? I can't pretend I know what I'm doing for long!"

But all change always feels this way. New job, new baby, new house, new credit line. It always feels this way. I freak out. Stress. Wonder if I made the right decision. But ultimately, I know I did. (Well except that time I got a job at GoDaddy. That was ridiculous!)

Anyway, I'm back to blogging again. I need it. For myself. I've spent so much time the past few years with my nose to the grindstone. And granted, I still have a lot of things to do, but holy shit, I just want to have fun. Not a "rebel and do crazy things" kind of fun (although that'd be nice too), but actually take my time, be at peace with myself and my decisions, sit on the front porch with a Lipton tea, kinda peace.

I've lacked that for so long. I sat down the other day, having gotten through my checklist, and wondered, "What now?" I literally could not enjoy life unless I had a checklist. WTH? Like most people would grab a book, take a bath, smoke some grass. I just stared at the wall and freaked out. I didn't know what made me happy. The little things I used to do, just didn't seem to cut it anymore. So now I'm at a time in my life where I need to slow it down. Take stock. And figure out how to enjoy without feeling guilty. Figure out what's really wrong with me.

Speaking of, I'm 191 lbs right now. Like seriously? W...T...F. And I just can't seem to stop eating. I think it's a coping mechanism, brought on by the stress of my job. Fuck to, let's eat! Didn't realize I was really a stress eater until this week. Yeah,

So now I need to figure out that one too. I'm so destructive to myself. Smoking, eating, other things which I won't mention because their just OCD and absurd. But I need to slow it down. Perhaps meditation is the way to achieve that for now. I need to slow it the f' down. And breathe. Just the thought of a deep cleansing breath, seems so relaxing. Me imagining taking a deep breath seems so good (which is weird because why don't I just take the deep breath. Literally takes less energy,)

SO here I go...personal change baby!

Anxiety Really High

I really should probably write more -- says the broken record.

Okay so what am I so anxious about? The house is in pieces right now. Can't fix the faucet by myself and can't fix the closet floor. Ugh!!!

The loan people finally emailed me back and asked if we had any more retirement funds. Ugh. Seriously?

On top of that I ate ALL the pints today. Okay granted, it's technically still within my limit. So I guess I should chill about that.

Okay so let's talk about worst case scenario. Worst case, we don't get the funding. Pete will just let us live in the house for another year. We'll have to come up with one more month of rent. And now we'll have time to fix the things in the house that we want. Build our credit. We know what to do. Ricky gets a bonus in June which will help to the extra/catchup rent.

Pros about life right now:
- You know what it takes to get where you want
- You've cleaned up some things and you know how easy it is to bump up your credit
- You won't have as much to pay each month in rent and everything else
- You won't have extra money to pay to appraisal and inspections and such.
- You're car is in good condition
- You have the means to get healthy. You're smoking a lot less. You're exercising. You're drinking water. You're doing better.
- You're doing well at work. Everyone loves you. You have what it takes. You just need to see yourself as a capable woman.

Cons:
- Hmmm, I guess there isn't much. They're really wrapped up in the emotional right now. Con is the house actually goes through, the inspection...wait, if the house goes through and you get an inspection, Pete won't care. I mean honestly. If the house doesn't go through, everything stays the same. I'll feel embarrassed for not qualifying for the house. I'll feel embarrassed if Pete hates what we've done to the house. I'll feel like an idiot for improving the house, because I feel like we trashed it in the first place. But people make mistakes. You're gonna live. Remember the whole work thing? Stop blowing things up in your mind and then eating it away. I mean seriously, stereotype much? Really? Eating for stress?
- I feel like a fatty. But once again, emotion. I honestly don't look THAT bad. I look pretty darn good in my pics. It's just me being overly critical.
- I'm not parenting Rids the best. But I can't change the past. I can only change the future. Which means healthy stuff for Rids, Ricky and I from now on!! From now on!!! So I need to add that to my list.

Tried taping

I tried video taping a blog today. It was a total bust. Ugh, for some reason I feel completely fine writing things down. But to tape myself? That's total narcism. What the hell? I was even bored with myself.

Anyway, making some positive strides, but think I still hate myself. Or love myself. Not sure which. I haven't had a cigarette today so I guess its a bit of both. And while I sit here, I'm wearing a bra. I hate bras. They're the construct of the devil. Stupid men have it so easy.

I feel all blah right now, but honestly it's probably still better. Stupid allergies.

And work is insane crazy. And I want nothing to do with it. Stupid work.

Okay, okay. Attract what you want to be. In order to achieve my goals and be what I want to be, I have to be it. That means being full of energy and happiness and

I even want to strangle myself saying that.

I'm powerful and strong and interesting. I can have an amazing life! I can be the exception!!

Struggling with change

Most days I plan out everything that I want to accomplish. Eat more fruits and veggies, not smoke, exercise, be a perfect wife and mother. But I just can't do it. It seems beyond my power to make myself do these things.

For years now, I've written lists, scheduled reminders, made posters, goals, mantras. Tried making up alternate habits. Gotten rid of food. You name it, I've tried it.

So today, I stepped into the shower and thought...what the fuck? Why can't I do this? Why do I keep going back to cigarettes (even though I fear it now), keep sleeping in, keep eating carbs, not taking care of myself? There has to be more to it than meets the eye.

So I sat in that hot steamy water. And I started thinking about my therapist sessions. And the prior exercises we did on other issues within my life. Perhaps what's blocking me is me? My subconscious. What if there is more to me not doing things that are good for me than just me being lazy? Or not caring? Or just not having enough willpower? What if I making light of what is actually a serious situation and block?

So I sat there and tried to imagine myself at the "fuck it" point. You know that point. You're striving to be good. Do your best. And then you just think "fuck it" and do what you've worked so hard not to do.

So what was I thinking at my "fuck it" point? Eyes closed. When I reach for that food...what am I feeling? Thinking? Own it. Be honest about that moment.

Reaching for food, I'm thinking...

"I'm hungry. Why shouldn't I eat?"
"Just a little. Just this handful of wheat thins will get me through the rest of the day."
"It tastes so good, and if I eat this then I'll be done. There will be no more to eat. So let's just get it over with."
"I'm not that bad looking. I don't have THAT much to lose. I can just be better tonight...tomorrow...later."

But no, come on. There's more. I know there is. Positive mental attitude and all that. Think about what your feeling when you envision yourself thin.

"I'll be obsessed with looking good."
"I'll be a self-absorbed bitch."
"My husband will only think of terms of my sexiness and only be interested in me for sex and whenever we've had amazing sex lives, something get messed up."
"I won't be cool anymore if I'm not smoking."
"If I'm focusing on being a better version of myself, there will be no time for anyone else."
"If I'm focusing on being myself, I'm afraid of who that is. What if I'm self-centered and bitchy?"

I know no one is reading this, but I must respond to the typical reactions. Please, don't say, "Nooooo, that would never happen! You won't be a bitch!" or "That's just ridiculous, you're afraid you won't be cool if you don't smoke? You won't be cool in an iron lung." Okay, I know thats a dated reference, but you get my meaning.

So how do I overcome this? In this situation, I need to think, WWMTD? (What would my therapist do?) I've identified my deep-seated fears with losing weight. So how do I overcome them? I confront them. I confront them and I reiterate to myself every day that this is better for me. I meditate in a way. I confront my fears by reliving them until they are fears no more. So here I go....

Yesterday

Ridley wa an angel during the morning. We had some issues with Mcdonalds but quickly got them sorted.

While we were doing the new school tour, he played on the playground and listened very well.

I dropped him off at school announcing I owed him a Pokemon card and he would get two more for not bitting and staying in line.

At the end of the day, I checked his backpack and we had no write up. He said he had a good day, and considering there was no notes or emails from teacher, I took him on his word. I let him pick three Pokemon cards and he tried to pick three more for "mom and gramma."

He's chosen not to turn them in for now. He's happy just watching Trolls and playing.

It was a little bit of a struggle to get him to do the four pages of homework, but he got through it. I just kept telling him that if he wanted a Pokemon card for listening, then he would have to sit down and do homework.

I think our schedule from now on will be dinner, homework, play, shower.

Ricky was exceptional in being supportive and not yelling. He raised his voice a couple times because Rids wouldn't listen (he made eggs with him because Rids asked but then he wouldn't eat them) but we managed to get through it.

Seeing the "talking doctor"

I took Rids to see what we call the "talking doctor" today.

I really like this guy. The focus is mostly on positive feedback and rewards. We need to focus Rids on the things we WANT him to do, as opposed to negative feedback (or attention to) the things we DON'T want him to do.

So how did this work today?

We went to Walgreens and picked out Pokemon cards. For each goal (no biting, staying in line, and listening) he will earn a Pokemon card. Then as he accumulates it, he can turn them in for rewards. Essentially a pokemon card for each dollar spent.

We are also not to yell. And when trying to get him to focus, we need to put our hand on his shoulder, get down to his level, and talk to him.

Consistency is key!!

Today we got the treasure chest of toys. He was excited for them, but he still had difficulty listening.

I did not yell. And neither did Ricky. I think that did help.

He told me he was afraid of the dark, so we turned on the light in the other room.

Killing Dinosaurs

In an effort to record everything Rids, my son did something absolutely hilarious and horrible today....okay, Friday really, but I'm at the Super Bowl and I'm a bit tipsy.

So....

Friday morning I get the dread call...school. The VP wishes me a good morning, but then starts into the issues of the day. (Granted I suspected he might not have the best of days because Mom and Dad were out of town, but still....)

Apparently my exuberant child decided during the fire drill, to run around screaming "Hurry! Hurry!! Ms. Monroe is going to kill us!"

Goodness. of course, later when I questioned him he said he was killing dinosaurs. I love his inventiveness, however I explained to him that fire drill time is for being quiet.

Apparently he also later attempted to bite another child but he pleaded the fifth. I'm very close to sending him to school with a Hannibal Lechter like mask on his face....wheeling him in on a dolly.

Love my unique child.

I can't trust my memory...

So as I remember things and think of reasons why I am the way I am, I'm going to blog them.

This all started with me finally accepting that I need to see a psych. I started off with a therapist, whom wasn't directly helpful, but indirectly. She referred me to a psych, who eventually got me to look around for an effective therapist.

My husband and I were having issues, so he Googled for therapists and she was the first one to come up. From the moment we talked to her, I knew she was "the one". She pulled no punches and stated it like it was. Echoing the ideas I'd had in my head and presenting the ones I was afraid to think. She called me out for being a hypocrite in not so many words. She was so effective that I decided to see her by myself.

I've had about 4 sessions with her so far. The things I've learned have been eye-opening. The issues in my childhood. The issues in my adulthood. I've always been one to spurn the whole idea of what happened in your childhood defines you as an adult, but the way she explained it made so much sense. And I'm a very skeptical person.

So now I'm reading a book on Inner Child. When she presented them to me, I initially laughed. I'm not one for new age thinking. But I decided, she's extremely intelligent and why not?

So now, I'm trying to accurately remember my childhood. Accurately, because both my mother and father have passed away. My brain wants to fight any sad memories. I don't want to think of either of them negatively anymore. However, this book explains the ability to remember these memories without villianizing the parent. Knowing, that they too, had their own emotional issues to deal with.

My mother grew up in an abusive household. My grandmother, always a strong character, but dealing with an abusive and controlling husband. My father, always knowing that he wasn't wanted by his mother.

It's ironic. I grew up knowing my father always wanted a son. Knew what my name would have been. Knew that him and my mother hated each other.

The first memories I had were of daycare. For some reason, I can not remember my mother. I'm sure she was there, just not in my memories. I remember being dropped off at daycare. Listening to the song "Queen of Hearts." Interested in this new environment, but a bit afraid. I loved all the activities available to me.

I don't know if that was the same daycare that was on 23rd avenue at the time. I do recall good fuzzy feeling of that daycare, however. I remember the daycare on 19th avenue. The kiddy door that I loved. The big wooden playground that felt like a massive pirate ship. The days in summer where we would play in the pool. I remember my mother dropping me off. But I was so excited to be at such a fun place, that there was no fear. It was just another place to go to.

After daycares, I remember Kindergarten at Martin Luther. I always loved school. Loved my teachers. Not so much the kids. But I don't think it started at ML. I remember having a crush on Adam. With the big birthmark on his face. Reading in a large reading tub. Playing on the playground for smaller kids. Walking in a line on the cement. I got called to the principals office for hitting someone one day. My mother came down and explained to the principal that she was proud of me for standing my ground because I was being picked on. She brought me home and I enjoyed that day.

Earliest recollection of my father was when Anne entered the picture. Perhaps he had a renewed need to be father now he was in a relationship? I don't know. But I do remember his camaro. And his motorcycle. He took me for a ride on the back of one and got stopped by the police. It was legal just not safe. He used to put a brown sheet up in the apartment he and Anne shared. And I would "camp" out in their living room.

Wait...earliest memory of mom may have been when she would put me in the bicycle seat and we would ride on her bicycle. I still feel the push and pull of her pushing the pedals. The wind in my hair. The sway of the bike.

As I got older, things became more difficult. My father married Anne (I was bitter because Dad was meant to be with mom.) And my mom married George (a man I bitterly despised for taking my fathers place.) We left my grandmothers and was thrown into a difficult situation. My father would talk badly about George. Preacher with a gun, he would call him. And my mom talked badly of my father. He would never come to the door. Just honk his horn for me to come outside. My mother and grandmother would always detest that. But I suppose they probably detested everything he did.

My father would talk about how dirty I was, or my house. How poor my mom was. He would lavish me with gifts that initially he would send home with me. But eventually he made me keep them (along with my clothes) at his house or otherwise they would come back dirty. This made me feel ashamed. Anne and he would shop at Dillards. Mom and gramma would shop at Savers. We would have Coke and pizza at Dads. We would have homemade meals and entemanns baked goods at Moms.

When we lived with my gramma, mom and I shared a room. I had piled mattresses on top of each other to make one large mattress. Way up high (or at least to me.)

When Donna and Diana came into my world, I was excited! I hated George, but I was so excited to have two new sisters. Donna was initially angry at me, but we became the best of friends. Closer because of the tragedies we suffered. George was a loud and yelling man. I was to pretty much stay out of the way. Play by myself. Donna and Diana said we did things together with George, but I don't remember them. I remember being in the house that Donna and Diana lived in. I was too young to know, but that was their house. The one they shared with their mom. Before Donna left with Yolanda. Diana stayed with us and I idolized her. She was the older sibling I had never had before. I remember singing eye of the tiger and Diana being impressed with my voice. However, in my mind it was me and my Mom against George. Everytime she sided with him, it made me angry. But honestly, I don't think she sided with him much until later days. Whenever he would leave, it would be me and my mom's world again. Watching tv. Eating snacks. Snuggling. How I loved that world. I couldn't wait for him to leave. Whenever they were in their room together it was like a knife to the heart. It was like my mom chose him over me. And I was alone again.

I became an avid reader. I loved books. They were my escape. That and tv and music. I loved to dance. However, I didn't do these things in front of other people. I would always find a little hole somewhere and hide myself and read or dance. That's when I started to really become lonely.

Dad had a new girlfriend. Mom had her husband. Diana and Donna weren't around much. So I was left to my own devices most of the time. My relationships weren't close. I attached myself to other kids who I hung out with but didn't have much of a relationship.

The last true friendship I had when I was a kid, was Aimee. I remember playing Mario Brothers with her when it first came out. Riding on our bikes. Walking barefoot over to her house. However, I also vaguely remember her brother trying to talk me into doing things I should not have been doing. I was found naked with him and Aimme one time. I still feel shame over that. I vaguely remember something behind a playhouse as well. Although, what exactly happened is blocked from memory.

After that, was a string of friends that I never really got close to. When we lived in South Phoenix, mom worked for a church. I would help her out with stuff, however the paster had two kids. I would play with them on the grounds. And sometimes we would look at her fathers Playboys that she found. Or play doctor. All of which I felt shame for as well.

It was difficult for me to make friends. Even harder to keep them. We moved each year. From school to school And the older I got, the rougher the crowd was. I was picked on for being a redhead and having freckles. I had a friend that would only be my friend when no one was looking. I was picked on in line at the cafeteria. I always found a friend or two that accepted me, but my friendships were more out of desperation than an actual kinship. Look! Someone that finds me valuable enough to actually stick around!

In high school I developed a friend in Bobbie. A girl who had taken me under her wing and befriended me when no one else would. I became close to her and admired her for her beauty and her smartness. We would both compare our grades. However, she smoked pot and I did not. Her  boyfriend smoked even more pot. But they allowed me into their little group and thats when I realized that it was the nerds and the geeks who were my friends. Who I aspire to be. I didn't want to be perfect anymore. Pretty and skinny yes, but intellect and quirkiness were the way to go. I was always drawn to nice people and those with an affinity to life and risk. We stayed friends until we moved from Maricopa my senior year.

Ripped out and placed somewhere new again, I went to school in the mornings and worked in the afternoon. There was no time for relationships now. And I was even more miserable as mom and George brought a new kid into the house.

My brother Josh. Poor kid. Neglected and left with a bad foster home. My mom embraced him and I suppose this is what started my mentality of being independent. I felt for the kid. George had told me he didn't want to adopt, but my mom forced his hand. She loved this kid. I loved this kid but felt horribly awkward with him. Boys were so messy.

I rejoined my old church, got involved in peer counseling, and met my future husband. First man to say he loved me. He needed help, therefore he needed me. It was a mistake. Mistake after mistake after mistake. He was addicted to drugs. trying to reform but never quite made it. I had to support him for quite sometime. I kept believing that things would change, but they never did.

Goodness, that's enough for tonight. I have left out my brother and sister. Many other things. The story of my first marriage is a doozy and I don't have the time or energy for it right now.

Perhaps next time.