Figuring out priorities

Okay, granted I haven't had much time to do anything with mom in the hospital and this darn cold. But I think it's that time. Major spring cleaning. And I'm not talking about dusting the cobwebs from my ceiling (well, hopefully to include...) but no! I'm talking about goal setting and prioritizing things in life.

I know what you're thinking and yes, perhaps to some degree this has to do with my mother's health and everything else going on. But...I'm tired of being busy, of being broke, and not focusing on those things that make me feel good and those things that make me feel happy.

For instance. K recently introduced me to this diet website. It's fantastic. You can chart and track all sorts of things. And you accumulate points depending on physical and online activities to perform. However, one week into it and I came to the realization that I was getting too obsessed with gaining points and not enough time doing other things.

I had to quit my okCupid habit too. I found that I was spending too much time doing trivial surveys and reading email messages from people I really wasn't interested in.

So what do I need to focus on now?
- Figuring out what my work goals are and organize my work time efficiently so it doesn't cut into my personal time.
- Figuring out how to visit my family, including my mother, on a regular basis but without driving myself into exhaustion.
- Figuring out exactly what it is I want from Toastmasters in the next 6 months and make sure my involvement in it doesn't take over every spare minute as it has in the past.
- Figuring out how to increase the quality of my life by managing my finances better, spending enough time relaxing, spending time on enjoyable activities such as movies, cartooning, and concerts, and making food at home. (I miss home-cooked meals. I'm tired of the fast food and resteraunt life.)

That's about it for now. Better not pile up my to do list or I'll never get anything done.

Quick Update

Just talked to grandma. Mom's improving. Whew!

Sometimes I think a cold is just a small reminder from God...

on what my mom is going through. Usually, I'm a pretty hardy person, but I woke up this morning with barely enough energy to hit my snooze button. This one really hit me hard. I can't even fathom what my mother is going through.

Anyway, I attempted to login to my work computer this morning. Made it through 5 minutes before giving up and literally passing out. I felt like someone had hit the side of my head with a frying pan. Sleeping it off seemed the only resolution to today's debacle.

However, around Noon, I received the best news I had gotten in days. I received a text message. It was from my brother.

I don't think I've shared but my brother moved out of my aunt's some time ago. Since then, he's been in and out of trouble. His cell phone was turned off a few weeks ago and none of us have been able to get ahold of him. I was the only one in the family he was talking to, so everyone was hoping that I would be able to get ahold of him to tell him about mom.

I guess his boss somehow found out about our mother and told him. As soon as he found out, he texted me. We chatted for a few minutes and I got the chance to ask him if he was okay and that above all else, he's still my little brother and I worry about him.

I worried that once he knew I knew what kind of trouble he was in, he'd stop talking to me. But he told me he got it all figured out and he just owed some fines now. I can't really go into detail, but him owing money is much better than the alternative.

At least that heavy load is off my chest now.

Now...I have to work. Ugh. Nothing ticks me off more than having to work while I'm incredibly sick. But it has to be done. So here I go...

Bleh.

My mom deserves better

When you have a blog, sometimes you sit in front of the blank screen wracking your brain trying to think of something to write. Sometimes, your brain is so full of thoughts to share you think your head is going to explode. I'm of the latter mentality tonight.

However, one thought keeps going through my head regularly and that is my mom deserves better. She's done so much for other people her whole life. She took care of two husbands, two children, a mother-in-law with Alzheimers. She devoted her life to charity work during the good and the bad times.

My mom was always there for me no matter what. To this day whenever I hear the song, "Loves me like a rock" by Paul Simon all I can think of is my mother smiling, hugging me close, and rocking me back and forth wildly while she sings along. I remember her making the car "dance" by swinging it gently back and forth.

One of my fondest memories of my mother was when I got into trouble for something, I don't even remember for what. Probably for something dumb like not doing my chores or talking back. She scolded me then grounded me for a week without any television and sent me to my room. An hour later, she tiptoed in and whispered, "Elvira is on. You can watch this one movie, but then it's straight to bed missy. I don't want to hear you say your too scared to go to bed because I'm not letting you stay up." Of course, I got scared and begged my mom to stay up and watch MASH afterwards. My mom, being the punisher she is stated, "Well, okay, you can watch MASH, but then that is IT, you have to go to bed."

Every mother and daughter have a unique relationship. My mom and I were bonded by the fact that we were two women (three if you counted my grandmother who we lived with for a few years after my mother left my father) who were taking on the world together. I don't doubt for a moment that my mom loved me...adored me. I was her only child for 17 years. Her baby...as she still says.

My mom's eyes still light up when she sees me. She gives me a big hug and then apologizes for taking me away from my hectic schedule. My mother should've been jewish, she doles out guilt like it was air.

Now, my mother's life hangs precariously on the precipice of the unknown. Her body is inundated with fluids...her heart, her lungs. Her kidneys are close to failure and they'll be performing a mild dialysis soon in the hopes that it will improve the situation.

And here I sit. With my cold. Unable to even visit her. The one thing I could do. The one thing I could control.

I emailed my mom tonight. I know she won't read it for quite sometime. But it was something I could do. I'm hoping she'll come out of this. That a few weeks from now she'll read that email and shake her head at the insanity that we all went through. Hopefully someday soon, we'll all laugh at how she barraged the nurses with stories about her cat and how my aunt, a nurse, drew a bucket of KFC on the whiteboard under Special Instructions.

It's the unknown that drives you nuts. Not knowing if tomorrow you'll walk in and they'll be perky and begging for chinese food, or if you'll get that dreaded call any minute asking you to rush down to the hospital...even if you are sick.

Hang in there mom. We're all pulling for you.

I am sooo done with this month...

I know...bitch, whine, complain. But this is what I do best when I have a cold.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, on top of everything else, I also have the sniffles. Although I was aware the odds were I was going to get this certain illness from my roommates, it doesn't make the fact that I have it any less bearable.

Goodness, when did I last leave you? I know it's only been a few days, but it seems like a month. Thursday I went home and played Rock Band, ate white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies, and watched television. It was blissful. I even got some sleep and woke up Friday feeling semi-normal.

Friday I did not get the chance to see my mother, but grandma and I decided at this time that we would switch off days visiting her. Then Saturday hit...

Saturday morning, I competed in an evaluation speech contest...and lost...but that's a story for another day. Apparently I did very well and although it was clear I wasn't the winner, everyone was wondering why I didn't get alternate (2nd)...anyway...no biggie. Actually a bit of a relief. The guy who won is in another one of my clubs, he's a good guy, and this means I have more free time to focus on what I need to.

We get out. I'm good but tired, we go to lunch, have fun talking, then head over to our regular Saturday afternoon Toastmasters meeting. (I had a speech that day, so I couldn't cancel although I was so tired, I was tempted). Get through the meeting, the speech, the evaluations, we're wrapping up and I check my phone. Two missed calls and two voicemails...from my grandmother and aunt.

Grandma? No problem. She calls me all the time. But grandma AND my aunt within minutes of eachother? I knew something was up. I took my phone outside and called my grandmother back. I guess mom almost did herself in by not getting enough oxygen. She crashed and then they moved her to ICU and put a permanent, larger oxygen mask on her along with some drugs to make her relax (aka pass out).

Between the phone calls to my grandmother, aunt, and the hospital, at one point I thought I was losing my mother that day. Very shaken, I had the R drive me to the hospital. We tried to get ahold of K (she was not feeling well so we forced her to stay at home for the TM meeting) but I guess she was passed out cold taking a nap at home.

Once I got to the hospital, I walked into the room and saw my mom looking better but very frail. The next day I got to speak with the doctor and he explained that the biggest problem is her lungs right now. If they can keep her consistently on oxygen, there's a good chance she'll recuperate soon. She can barely talk right now and is asleep most of the time when we visit (which is a good thing.)

So we'll see. With my cold right now, I won't be able to visit. I need to find out from the hospital how long I have to wait before visiting again. But it kind of sucks.

I'm at work right now, but still exhausted. Saturday night we did go see W's (roomies little bruddha) play. It was very hokey and W only had about 4 lines in it. It was still nice to get out though. The best part was seeing W frolic and dance during the May dance act. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Thanks W. I needed that laugh.

It's amazing...

That I didn't strangle anyone this week. However, I did make it out of work at 3 p.m. today without having to do work when I got home. So what did I do...?

I promptly went home and played Rock Band. And now? I'm not working, not stressing...just relaxing. I wholeheartedly needed it. Thank God.

To say today sucked is an understatement...

***Warning: Graphic details of a visit with my mother in the hospital in this entry.***

So in an effort to save my sanity, I decided to stay at home today. Of course, I had to negotiate it with my boss. My IM consisted of:

"I'd like to take the day off but know that's not feasible. Mind if I work from home today?"

To which she replied:

"can you get me the Tx counts"

Hmmm, okay. I'll take that as a yes. So I sat in front of the television all day, laptop on lap, struggling to keep connected to work for more than a total of five minutes at a time. Work a little, connection dropped, log back in, work a little, connection dropped, log back in, work a little, yell out in frustration, shake fist in the air, log back in.

So after about 4 hours of solid frustration (and listening to my roommate hack and cough and sniffle next to me on the couch suffering from a cold), I get a phone call from my grandmother asking what time we're going to the hospital. Thinking about a Toastmasters event I have to be at 6:00, I figure get over to the hospital by 3:30 p.m., leave by 4:30 p.m., leave the apartment by 5 p.m., stop by Wal-Mart to get a few things for the non-sickie roommate, and get to the TM meeting by 6 p.m.

Everything perfectly timed, right?

Got to the hospital by 3:30 p.m. That's as far into this perfectly planned schedule I got.

Get to the hospital. Wait around for an hour because the doctors have decided to visit at this time. The ear, nose, and throat doctor was the last to leave, rushing out the hospital room door without a word to either me or my grandma. We look at eachother in confusion and watch the doctor walk away, then try to figure out whether it's safe to enter the room. After a few minutes, we decide to go ahead and go in.

The first thing I see is my mom sitting in a chair, breathing quickly and shallowly, with a wide strip of dried-out blood between her nose and mouth. She's constantly bringing a kleenex up to her nose and hoping that this time when she takes it away, there will be no more blood. My grandmother and I ask a question of her every minute or so with no response. We can tell she's so focused on bringing her body back to normal, she doesn't even have the strength to utter a word.

Soon she raises her head and start responding with short, succinct responses. Large gasps of air she takes after each word uttered. She asks for a sip of apple juice and I prepare the drink for her in a styrofoam cup. After two sips, she fumbles for the pink plastic bin sitting next to her and then vomits up about 1/2 a gallon of dark red blood. I stare for a moment, trying to think of an appropriate response and realize that perhaps getting a nurse's attention might be the best idea.

I rush out into the hallway. Confused, because no one is looking up, I scramble to politely get the attention of anyone who would help me. Finally a girl looks up from her desk and I say, "My mom is vomitting up blood. I need a nurse." She replies that she'll find someone and I walk back to my mother's room in shock.

My grandmother is already hovering over her and I watch, helplessly, while my mother suffers her own personal hell. The nurse walks in and asks how long my mom has had her nosebleeds. After a short discussion on her health for the past few weeks they've determined that the blood is probably remnants in her stomach left over from weeks of suffering nosebleeds. They inform her that they'll still call the doctor to confirm, but that it's probably all perfectly normal.

Normal. There's a state of mind I keep seeking, but still have yet to acheive. I'm sure my mother's thoughts are probably running pretty close to mine.

The nurses leave and it's just me, my grandmother, and my mother again. I sit close to her on the bed and rub her back, wracking my brain for any solution that might make this better. My grandmother has obviously found her solution and she starts to talk incessantly about neighbors, and groceries, and "the good old times." I'm sure in an effort to distract my mother from her pain. I can't begrudge my grandmother for trying, but I struggle to keep my eyes from rolling back into my head. This is my defense mechanism. Getting extremely irritated with everything. Granted it's not the best defense mechanism...

So we sit and watch while my mom deals with the discomfort and tries to feel better, when the door pops open with a new visitor. The lady introduces herself as a representative from the American Cancer Institute. I think to myself, "Finally, someone professional who will come in and answer all our questions in a respectful, yet empathetic way."

Then she utters the only word that I know strikes fear and dread into my mother's heart: Cancer.

The rep starts talking about how she has brochures about cancer and information about remission and dealing with it. She's talking directly to my mother, and upon uttering the "C" word, my mother starts breaking down in tears. I respond with a look of my own that includes the "B" word, then try to redirect the conversation towards something...else. I try to deflect the harm towards my mother by asking the rep if she knows what type of cancer my mother has, to which she replies negatively. I try to compose myself for a mooment to avoid ripping her head off and then ask her if she could bring more information on my mother's specific diagnosis of Acute Myeloid Leukemia.

She keeps insisting that she has documentation on cancer. She says she understands what my mothers specific ailment is but all I hear is the description from the website I looked up earlier and horribly detached mannerisms which I'm guessing she thinks is a professional demeanor.

Many thoughts and feelings are coursing through me. Anger, defensiveness, irritation, sympathy for my mother. Somehow through all this, the logical side wonders if I'm overreacting. Perhaps I've just had enough and this woman is receiving the brunt of everything I've put up with in the past two weeks.

She finally leaves. I turn to my mother. And she's rolling her eyes. Somehow, this lifts me up. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought she was doing more harm than good.

We talk for awhile longer. My grandmother continues talking about groceries and bills. At this point, I'm pretty much staring at my mother while inserting an appropriately placed "Uh-huh" or "Ah-ha" in response to my grandmother's musings. I watch my mother drift off every once in awhile and my heart flutters in my chest in the hope that she's finally falling asleep and escaping the bad experiences of the day. However, after a minute or two she opens her eyes or raises the kleenex to her nose again and I sink back in my chair.

Finally, she gestures towards the bed and I get her to confirm with a nod that she's indicating a need to go to sleep. I jump on the opportunity and suggest that we leave now considering she's getting tired. We gather our things and I lean over to give my mother a hug. She clutches on to me and starts to sob into my shoulder. I ask her if she's going to be okay and my heart breaks at this odd role-reversal and my inability to do anything of worth to help my mom. I do the only thing I know will help and I tell her that while this day was shit, it will get better soon and that I love her. She thanks me and still clutches on. My eyes start to water and I try to control my emotions before she lets me go and sees my fear and worry.

We leave and I feel horribly guilty for leaving her there. I push down the anxiety and the sudden desire to just sleep in her room. We drive back and my grandmother vents her own frustrations about the ACS rep. I try to logic it out, but end up getting frustrated myself. When I finally drop her off, I only have two thoughts in my mind...to get cigarettes and to find out if there's any possibility to still make that TM meeting.

Normally, after such a stressful day I'd jump at the chance to cancel a meeting. But one of my closest friends is there. And another close friend, who has suffered through the same experience I'm going through, is also in attendance. I envision sitting down at a coffee shop and discussing the days events with them and feel my blood pressure lower. However, I soon find out the opportunity is missed and head home to figure out what to do with the rest of my day.

I hate these days. These days in which I have a plan to help everyone and end up feeling I've helped no one. Guilt wracks me although I know that everyone will understand the change in agenda. I'm fed up with having to negotiate my time and would love nothing better than to take a week off to spend time with my mother and then spend time to myself.

However, even as I write this, I feel the looming deadlines and know my responsibility will soon start. It is 9:40 p.m. and yet I still have a myriad of work tasks to undertake. I will stay up late, work, wake up exhausted tomorrow morning, work for a few scant hours, then head over to the hospital once again. Feeling guilt at not working enough, not spending enough time with my mom, not getting my Toastmasters tasks done, and then finally not forgiving myself.

I know this too shall pass. I struggle to take my own advice, that although these times are difficult, things will get better.

At least I have my friends. I couldn't imagine taking this on alone.

Time for a change...

Okay...I guess it's time to update.

A lot has happened in the past month or so:
- Most importantly, my mother has been diagnosed with AML (acute myeloid luekemia). It is treatable, but she's in the hospital for about a total of three weeks (two weeks left). Being a caregiver can be a very stressful thing. I've been worn out trying to take care of my mother. I've been very fortunate to have really supportive friends, but going to the hospital everyday, try to work, and try to fit in Toastmasters has been wearing me thin.
- A got a promotion and a raise. Yay, me! Now to get ahold of my finances and actually have money left by next paycheck.
- I moved around my bedroom, it's much nicer and more comfortable.
- I'm going to give it the 'ol college try on losing weight again. Today I signed up for a weight loss website, tracked my calories and I was just a bit over. If I'm aware of it though, I'm sure I can get a handle on it.
- I have been competing in speech contests for Toastmasters. My next contest is this weekend. Wish me luck!

That's it for now. I crave a change in my life. Also, with everything going on, I'm remembering what a good friend told me about dealing with a loved one going through a major health issue: "You can take care of them, but make sure you take care of yourself as well."

I think it's time to really take care of myself. I'm not talking eating cookies, or going to a movie. I'm talking eating healthier, exercising, reading more often, perhaps picking up my comic again.

I need to finish up a couple of projects first. Perhaps by the end of this week, and then I can started on focusing on me again. Baby steps, baby steps.