Thursday, June 01, 2017

Anxiety Really High

I really should probably write more -- says the broken record.

Okay so what am I so anxious about? The house is in pieces right now. Can't fix the faucet by myself and can't fix the closet floor. Ugh!!!

The loan people finally emailed me back and asked if we had any more retirement funds. Ugh. Seriously?

On top of that I ate ALL the pints today. Okay granted, it's technically still within my limit. So I guess I should chill about that.

Okay so let's talk about worst case scenario. Worst case, we don't get the funding. Pete will just let us live in the house for another year. We'll have to come up with one more month of rent. And now we'll have time to fix the things in the house that we want. Build our credit. We know what to do. Ricky gets a bonus in June which will help to the extra/catchup rent.

Pros about life right now:
- You know what it takes to get where you want
- You've cleaned up some things and you know how easy it is to bump up your credit
- You won't have as much to pay each month in rent and everything else
- You won't have extra money to pay to appraisal and inspections and such.
- You're car is in good condition
- You have the means to get healthy. You're smoking a lot less. You're exercising. You're drinking water. You're doing better.
- You're doing well at work. Everyone loves you. You have what it takes. You just need to see yourself as a capable woman.

Cons:
- Hmmm, I guess there isn't much. They're really wrapped up in the emotional right now. Con is the house actually goes through, the inspection...wait, if the house goes through and you get an inspection, Pete won't care. I mean honestly. If the house doesn't go through, everything stays the same. I'll feel embarrassed for not qualifying for the house. I'll feel embarrassed if Pete hates what we've done to the house. I'll feel like an idiot for improving the house, because I feel like we trashed it in the first place. But people make mistakes. You're gonna live. Remember the whole work thing? Stop blowing things up in your mind and then eating it away. I mean seriously, stereotype much? Really? Eating for stress?
- I feel like a fatty. But once again, emotion. I honestly don't look THAT bad. I look pretty darn good in my pics. It's just me being overly critical.
- I'm not parenting Rids the best. But I can't change the past. I can only change the future. Which means healthy stuff for Rids, Ricky and I from now on!! From now on!!! So I need to add that to my list.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Tried taping

I tried video taping a blog today. It was a total bust. Ugh, for some reason I feel completely fine writing things down. But to tape myself? That's total narcism. What the hell? I was even bored with myself.

Anyway, making some positive strides, but think I still hate myself. Or love myself. Not sure which. I haven't had a cigarette today so I guess its a bit of both. And while I sit here, I'm wearing a bra. I hate bras. They're the construct of the devil. Stupid men have it so easy.

I feel all blah right now, but honestly it's probably still better. Stupid allergies.

And work is insane crazy. And I want nothing to do with it. Stupid work.

Okay, okay. Attract what you want to be. In order to achieve my goals and be what I want to be, I have to be it. That means being full of energy and happiness and

I even want to strangle myself saying that.

I'm powerful and strong and interesting. I can have an amazing life! I can be the exception!!

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Struggling with change

Most days I plan out everything that I want to accomplish. Eat more fruits and veggies, not smoke, exercise, be a perfect wife and mother. But I just can't do it. It seems beyond my power to make myself do these things.

For years now, I've written lists, scheduled reminders, made posters, goals, mantras. Tried making up alternate habits. Gotten rid of food. You name it, I've tried it.

So today, I stepped into the shower and thought...what the fuck? Why can't I do this? Why do I keep going back to cigarettes (even though I fear it now), keep sleeping in, keep eating carbs, not taking care of myself? There has to be more to it than meets the eye.

So I sat in that hot steamy water. And I started thinking about my therapist sessions. And the prior exercises we did on other issues within my life. Perhaps what's blocking me is me? My subconscious. What if there is more to me not doing things that are good for me than just me being lazy? Or not caring? Or just not having enough willpower? What if I making light of what is actually a serious situation and block?

So I sat there and tried to imagine myself at the "fuck it" point. You know that point. You're striving to be good. Do your best. And then you just think "fuck it" and do what you've worked so hard not to do.

So what was I thinking at my "fuck it" point? Eyes closed. When I reach for that food...what am I feeling? Thinking? Own it. Be honest about that moment.

Reaching for food, I'm thinking...

"I'm hungry. Why shouldn't I eat?"
"Just a little. Just this handful of wheat thins will get me through the rest of the day."
"It tastes so good, and if I eat this then I'll be done. There will be no more to eat. So let's just get it over with."
"I'm not that bad looking. I don't have THAT much to lose. I can just be better tonight...tomorrow...later."

But no, come on. There's more. I know there is. Positive mental attitude and all that. Think about what your feeling when you envision yourself thin.

"I'll be obsessed with looking good."
"I'll be a self-absorbed bitch."
"My husband will only think of terms of my sexiness and only be interested in me for sex and whenever we've had amazing sex lives, something get messed up."
"I won't be cool anymore if I'm not smoking."
"If I'm focusing on being a better version of myself, there will be no time for anyone else."
"If I'm focusing on being myself, I'm afraid of who that is. What if I'm self-centered and bitchy?"

I know no one is reading this, but I must respond to the typical reactions. Please, don't say, "Nooooo, that would never happen! You won't be a bitch!" or "That's just ridiculous, you're afraid you won't be cool if you don't smoke? You won't be cool in an iron lung." Okay, I know thats a dated reference, but you get my meaning.

So how do I overcome this? In this situation, I need to think, WWMTD? (What would my therapist do?) I've identified my deep-seated fears with losing weight. So how do I overcome them? I confront them. I confront them and I reiterate to myself every day that this is better for me. I meditate in a way. I confront my fears by reliving them until they are fears no more. So here I go....