Sunday, February 18, 2018


I had promised myself to blog more often. To be true to my thoughts and my feelings. Lord knows only a few people read this, but looking back over my posts are cathartic. And perhaps just one lonely soul will read over my words and connect as well. Think "thank goodness, someone else is going through the same chaos I am." And feel better for it.

Anyway, my chaotic thoughts seemed to have gotten away with me again. I feel the tug and pull of my emotional side and my rational side daily. I want to connect with people, but I don't want to get hurt. I want to volunteer more, but I also want to get my shit together. I want to be special and unique, but not get lost in not caring what others think.

I've been over this with my psych numerous times. The war raging inside my head and my heart. My constant questioning of myself in literally everything I do. Did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing? Did I say too much? Not enough? Should I have hugged them or shook hands? Should I have said something or just listened?

I believe a part of this stems from my mother and my father being polar opposites in their morals and values. My dad was a staunch businessman. Work came first, but he loved to play and play hard as well. My mother was creative and empathetic. I lived with my mom and picked up most of her personality. But I struggled for acceptance from my father. I'm very business-oriented. Very driven. But also very emotional.

I will openly admit to having a low EQ. I am smart. I am process oriented. But when I get frustrated, I either stuff it down or I blow up.

I also wonder, however, how much technology has to do with my feelings of frustration with myself. We live in a day in age in which perfection is constantly pushed at us. Look at this mom who can do everything. She can work a full-time job, raise perfect kids, have a great body, do it all! Why can't you? Look at this person going around ordering stuff for homeless people. Look at this person standing up for what they believe in. Look at this person being successful and making millions of dollars. Look at this person who paid off all their loans in 6 months. Look at this person who keep a perfect house. Look at what all these people did and you can too.

But I can't. And my mind doesn't realize that. We see all the perfect moments in people's lives and we don't realize that they are imperfect too. That person who paid off their loans probably lived like a miser and turned down social events and got depressed and stressed and crazy. That person who ordered stuff for homeless people probably either got money from a company to do it or is single, well-to-do and has a ton of extra time to do those things. That person being successful and made millions of dollars is on their 6th marriage because time is money and they don't know how to be in a successful personal relationship with someone.

Everyone is afraid to show their struggles and their weaknesses.

When I was younger, I was so much smarter. I realized that we all have weaknesses. That we have shared pain. That we have much more in common than we realize.

I would talk to people for hours about their lives and their experiences. I learned that a boy with a beautiful voice had a miserable life because people thought he was gay and would make fun of him for it. I realized that having sex for longer, didn't equal better. I realized that moms do what they can to take care of their children, even if it means becoming a stripper to provide for their families. I realized that pot can either be a recreational drug like having a beer once in a while; or it can be a debilitating drug that keeps you from working and numbs you to your real problems. I realized that no matter the problem, we were all human, we all hurt, we all tried the best we could to get through life. We all make poor choices and as long as we just see the choices and not what led us to them, it's easy to yell and judge and make blanket statements about that which we really don't know that much about.

I see all the time on Facebook people making judgements. Making blanket statements. Using labels and harsh words against each other, without getting to know each other.

My grandmother hates drugs. Hates liquor. Hates people who use drugs. Doesn't even believe in legalizing pot for medicinal uses. I know some people would look at her and think she's old. She doesn't know. She's only basing her opinion based on outdated ideas. But what they don't know is she has a history of living with men who abused liquor. And any form of substance that alters the brain is scary to her. There's no excuse in her eyes. Because that's what she lived.

I need to remember this. In everything I do, all day. I need to remember we all have our own stories. Our own fears. Our own experiences that influence the decisions we make. I need to know more about those I live in this world with. And give people the benefit of the doubt.

Be less judgey. Listen more. Try to understand.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Fifteen Years from Now

Okay so I can't read any further in my book until I get this done. Because I know if I don't, I'll never get it done. But it's important. Where do I see myself fifteen years from now or rather 26 things on my bucket list. Why is this so darn hard for me? I always question my decisions. Are they good ones? Are they selfish? #firstworldproblems

First off, where do I see myself 15 years from now. Well, hopefully alive. And in good physical and mental health. Rids will be 20. Wow, what a thought. I see him as a passionate young man, who knows his parents are there to support him but not baby him. I see myself with Ricky. Still laying in bed together, sharing ideas and feelings. I see myself as a successful businesswoman. Having helped set the company for success and being a leader in healthcare. Taking care of those who need it most. We are financially stable but always there to help others. We still have our clan of friends and we meet frequently, experiencing the most life has to offer. We've travelled the world and experienced culture. From tourist to genuine culture. I've helped set up programs to help those less fortunate. Did I mention I'm healthy and physically fit? I know who I am and where I fit in and felt I've made a lasting positive effect in the world.

1) Worked through my issues with my therapist
2) Physically fit and can run
3) Travelled the world
4) Be there for my family
5) Continue to have friends and family over for get togethers
6) Be a leader in my company to helping out those in need
7) Have all my teeth fixed and my family's
8) Live a healthy lifestyle
9) Experience a rock star lifestyle
10) Go back to NYC
11) Establish a learning clinic for those who need better skills
12) Study all religions
13) Have a phenomenal IQ
14) Be highly sexual and passionate with my husband
15) Experiment sexually
16) Have a fun work environment
17) Have a fun home
18) Have very close relationships with people
19) Have a tremendously good relationship with my husband
20) Go see a big celebrity in Vegas
21) Learn to drive like a bodyguard
22) Not be afraid of death
23) Learn to play basketball
24) Do gymnastics
25) Learn to fight
26) Learn more about politics and social structures

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Super Tired

Yes, I'm THAT type of nerd. I played DND until 1 am last night. And then my boy decided to wake fully up at 5:30 in the morning. Damn you child!

However, I let his dad sleep in, so I can catch up to some work and some house work. It's peaceful here right now. Just have to remember to get in some good activity time with the kid. He's currently playing Minecraft. In the immortal words of Corbin Dallas, "It'll rot your brains out kid."

My emotions keep going in roller coaster waves, from "I can totally handle this!" to "WTF are you doing? Is it too late to back out?"

Things seemed less chaotic as a grunt. Now I'm a manager, it's like giving birth all over again. Let me give you an example. Friday afternoon, no meetings, perfect time to experience peace and quiet and catch up on requests. But no. One of my team decides to rely on me for a lot this afternoon. This is someone who would normally work with someone else, but they are out on vacation. And now I've opened that can of worms ("lemme help you!") and now it can't be unopened. Parenting in the first year is a lot like that. You want to get sleep but there's this tiny little helpless human being demanding to fed right this second. Okay not exactly the same, but similar. It's exhausting. Social interaction!

I just have to remember that it will become habit eventually. I'll find my groove. It will be all good.