Okay, let's see if I can stick to this...

I have two goals with this journal right now: vetting out my personal goals and tribulations and work on educating myself by reading articles and discussing them. I know, both of these are very selfish goals, however that's what a personal diary is all about. I'm not posting for you, sorry to say, but posting for me.

Okay that's about 90% true. I write to entertain you too, just because this is public and I don't want you to be bored if you run across my entries. I'm such a panderer.

So what's my main concern in life? I would have to say my outlook at this point. I've noticed a growing trend in general towards complaining or sarcasm on everything in life. It's a bit tiresome and not too respectful of others in general. I can understand a general need for humor in life, however the underlying point given in our humor and opinions lately seems to branch to, "You're dumb, I know better."

Okay, so my opinion differs from quite a few others out there. I admit my initial reaction to anything Glenn Beck says is pretty much, "Wow, really? You're a moron." But also admittedly, although I may disagree with him, he's human as well and for me to just dismiss his arguments with a blanket statement regarding his personality is neither helping me to grow as an individual, him in understanding my general disagreement with his argument, or others in being able to see that I'm actually an intelligent human being who has independent and coherent thought without lowering my arguments down to, "yeah, well, you're just a doodoo head."

Cause ultimately, isn't that what we're doing when we say things like that? There's really no argument back to that except, "Wow, you're a moron too if you can't come up with a better counter-point than likening me to someone who has actual mental issues."

So, bearing that in mind, I will approach all events and opinions with respect towards my fellow man. I will approach every moment in life as an opportunity to improve and learn about people and things.

Now comes the hard part...remembering to do it.

I'm unsettled

For some reason I'm just not happy right now. I mean, in some aspects I am. I'm very happy in my relationship. And I'm happy when I'm doing band stuff, but there seems to be a general malaise about me right now.

First of all, I seem numb to most things. If I'm focused on one thing, I ignore all others. I know happiness 100% of the time if totally unfeasible, but I'm just unsettled about how I feel right now.

I do have several things I can pinpoint my anxiousness about. My weight for one. I haven't been this heavy in quite sometime and I just can't seem to lose it. As I get older, my habits seem to be more concrete and accomplishing new goals (whether I've attempted them before or not) seems much more difficult.

My new job is another. While I do like the people and the company, to do my job is akin to pulling teeth. Queries run forever and data is oddly organized. I love looking at data, but a majority of my time is spent trying to manipulate queries and find data. It makes for an exhausting day.

Of course, my car upsets me to. It's getting to 80k now and I've never had such issues with a newer car. For a BMW it's really turned to crap quickly. I've already socked thousands of dollars into it for repairs and I don't relish investing more.

Last but not least is my finances. I have most of it square away except for one thing. It looms over me like a cloud. I know I need to handle it soon but I dread the outcome.

I suppose I should chip away at those. We'll see what rememdies I can find to those issues.

It's time to document my life again

I have so many things going on and so many thoughts about everything.

First of all, I'm now working for an internet company. A very well to do one. I enjoy it here, however everything is brand new to me which makes things awkward. I suffer from newbie syndrome in which I flub up, however, I feel part of this is due to my lack of training. It pretty much consisted of "There's the tables...go at it." It's amazing how many things I learn in life by watching others and saying to myself, "Remember not to do that." For instance, I would couple a new person up with someone else. I somewhat had this my first month, but my "buddy" decided to relocate to another department. Which has now left me floundering. So now I find myself repeating each day, "Don't worry, it'll get better...you'll get better. Beside what are you going to do? Quit?"

Secondly, I have someone new in my life. They make me very happy. I am still tentative to say this as what I say could affect other people. I do't know if my ex still reads my blog, however, I suppose I can't hide who I am or what I do for the rest of my life. I still am somewhat confused about everything only in that I was raised religiously one way and my religion would condemn my lifestyle now, only because I am not with my ex-husband. He was a good person, however we were just two different people with different needs. Every day I hope he is doing well and has found his own happiness.

Third, well, life has certainly changed and picked up. I have new friends, new activities, pretty much a whole new life. I miss certain things about my old life, like my kitty. Onyx (who is the namsake of this blog) has passed away. I miss him immensely. I still have Casper though, shy and reclusive although he is. I have a new cat which drives me nuts...Pookie. A 9 year old rescue cat from the Humane Society who seems to think she gets rewarded Pounce for each headbutt and affectionate bite she gives. I also have a new puppy, Rio. A lapdog with endless energy. She has been my companion through rough times which include more than just the usual stress.

My roommates consist of three brothers, all which keep me well grounded yet enjoying life. Will is an eternal fountain of youth. He shows me the energy and optimism of life. It's funny to grow older and watch people repeat the same steps, decisions and issues you had at their age. Bry is the creative of the group, and with that he shares the same sensitivity and passion as many other artists. I enjoy his passion for everything in life, and mostly his ability to focus on what he really loves to do which is music. Ricky is a dichotomy. He loves communism, yet seeks the fruit of capitalism. He tried to come off as a hard-ass, but his sensitive nature comes through more than he'd like it to.

Bry and Ricky are both in a band. It's an amazing venture and I love every minute of going to shows, watching them record, and doing promotional stuff. This is just a small description of my life right now. The rest is for later...

Time for a Change

I wonder how many times people say that over the course of their lives?

Well, it is. I feel it. Not like a resounding boom of a change, but a small inching change towards becoming the person I should be...I want to be.

All my life, I've attached to people. Attached to people heavily. Well, not people but one person. I become immersed in being involved in that person, making them happy, being with them. Sort of like the Runaway Bride. I know how I like my eggs, but otherwise, I don't have much of my own life anymore.

Recent developments in my life are changing that.

I'm starting to feel the change. When I catch my reflection in a mirror or glass, I notice me. I notice myself as an adult, as a woman, as strong, as an individual.

I hope this sticks, because I've worked too damn hard all my life to become less than a happy, interdependent woman. Hopefully, I'll find myself, and THEN I can find that person to share my happiness with.