Thinking...

Always thinking about dad, death, mortality now. I'm somber most of the time. I have moments of wild abandon. In which I think, "Life is too short, I need to experience it." But then other times I fear for my life and the lives of others. I think hopefully I have a good twenty years left. Hopefully, Ricky has a good twenty or more years left. Hopefully nothing will happen to my son.

I'm trying to snap out of it, but when you hear the words from your father, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" repeated in your mind from the day he got into his accident resulting in his death, you wonder what state of mind he was in. He had also said he was ready to go. He was also out of it from drugs. Where was he the day he died? What was he thinking? Was he thinking?

I know my father wouldn't want me to mourn, but I can't help but let it affect me. I miss him. I miss him for Riddles. I miss him for Anne. Adjusting is a struggle. Trying to be happy. Trying to enjoy life. Trying not to be scared all the time.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life? I know I want to help others, but how? So many choices. I also want to LIVE. But how do I do that? Now...with a small kid. I suppose it's not that difficult. Just need to get my money in order. Thats what is holding me back. Probably shouldn't let it.

Just have an overwhelming amount of "stuff" to sort out and organize. I just need to "do" and stop "planning". Ugh. I'm horrible at just doing.

When will this end?

Let's review the monthly activities, shall we?

• Father in hospital for three weeks
• Father passed away
• Father's mom passed away
• Got married
• Food poisening
• Fever for three days so far

When will I get a break?

Okay, okay, so all things considered, life can be worse. Much worse. I have people that love me and support me. I'm not on my deathbed. It's just that I would love some normalcy right now. Just good old fashioned normal schedule and health. That would be nice.