Getting there slowly?

Oh goodness. I am not what I was. 

I had a few communications with my friends this week regarding wedding shopping and other various things. It's not as close as I would hope. I just haven't been that great of a friend since Ridley. I've been huddled in my world. Focused only on my child and me and our survival. Admittedly any special attention is reserved for Ricky. I've been civil with my friends, but not close. Trying to repair that damage will take a while and getting myself back into habits of unselfishness will take work. 

Perhaps it's just me, but having a baby makes you selfish. You center your world around this one little being's survival. It takes all your energy to take care of them and what tiny bit of energy is left is reserved for things like showers or cleaning. I haven't had time much for else. At first I thought it was just a temporary situation, but without a car, it took all my time away from everyone. Now I need to learn to be social again. 

It's funny. Over the past years, I've withdrawn into this shell. The thought of a meeting or phone call makes me cringe. I know I can train myself to be social and caring again. I just need to suck it up and jump in. 

On a lighter note, I've tried MindBloom and it actually seems to be helping. At least these first few days. Let's hope I can continue to utilize it effectively. 

Muchness

I love the line in Alice in Wonderland where Alice is told she's lost her muchness. That's how I feel. I constantly question myself, who I am, what I do. I feel like I lost my muchness.

I'm constantly battling this vision of myself...being overweight, being bitchy, being lazy.

So I'm trying to overcome that. Those doubts in my head. I need to build my confidence again. My fun. My muchness.

I feel the year ahead will have a lot of change and I'm looking forward to that.

Thoughts

A thought passes my mind every once in awhile. Getting older, at least for me, hasn't made me more confident. I was expecting this slow creep of positive self-esteem. Being comfortable in my body and my mind. A knowledge and understanding of the world that only comes with age and experience. However, the older I get the more aware I am of the mistakes I've made in the past. Although, without these mistakes I would not have learned, I'm still ashamed by them and they're a reminder that my quest for perfectionism can never be achieved. I'll always have those black marks in the past.

When I was younger, I had that confidence. New to the world, I pursued everything with excitement and doggedness. I was smart and ahead of the game. I thrilled in being a successful career woman in her 20s. But as I got older, I didn't really progress in my career. I still know the old technologies. I don't do too badly with them but I haven't pursued the new technologies like I should have. I've settled into what I know.

The last 10, 15, 20 years came with enormous amounts of stress. From an unstable home of divorced parents, to a relationship with a drug-addicted boyfriend, to a crazed lifestyle with a mentally unstable husband, to a passionate affair with a narcissist, a dying mother, an unexpected pregnancy, and finally a settled and normal happy relationship with the father of my child and love of my life.

However, even though all those experiences left their own mark. I still wouldn't change them. They kind of compounded upon each other. Well, except my mother's death. That stood alone. It was inevitable, but completely unexpected. I don't know why, but I never connected leukemia with cancer. I never connected either with death. My mom had survived so much more in the past.

My mom was 10 times the woman and mother I am. Throughout all her battles with auto-immune diseases, she always managed to give back. She volunteered almost up to her dying day. She gave of herself to anyone who asked or needed it. If someone wants an example of how unfair life is, they only need to look at my mother.

I think of her and what she did with her life. I'm happily getting married and have a wonderful relationship with a man who loves me passionately. I have a career that pays me well and allows me the flexibility to take care of my family and enjoy my life. I have friends that support me and are there for whenever I need them. So why do I still feel lacking? What did I learn in my life to believe that I still need to do more?

Keep a clean house. Make more money. Have a bigger house...car...nicer clothes. Closer friendships, that one makes sense, doesn't it? Skinnier. Smarter. More attractive. Funnier.

Where do I start? How do I build back that confident girl of the past?