Wow!

It's almost the end of the year, okay not that close, but I haven't blogged much at all. I guess you can tell when I'm happier. I stop reading, stop blogging, start living. 

Although, currently life has it's ups and downs. Me and the future Mr had a serious discussion last night (aka argument.) It was exhausting and depleting and now all day today all I want to do is nap. That's my body's way of coping with both physical and mental and emotional pain...let's ignore the world by passing out. 

Funny how each year I ponder, "what happened to me?" And why the hell haven't I changed it? I mean life isn't bad, but what the heck happened to me?

Perhaps my past life was due to the people I was involved with. Not myself. I was involved with a group of good, if not morally questionable, people. Now I'm a hermit. 

Maybe I need to involve myself in something? Get involved again. But the question is with what? I really don't want to go back to Toastmasters. That requires too much work. At least for me. I always get roped into doing stuff. Right now I just need something enjoyable. But heck if I know what that is. 

I'm on the cusp of getting a new job, so perhaps that will be my catalyst. I just need to be patient. Bleh. 

Life is a flurry right now

But a good flurry. I think. I'm so scattered, I don't know if I'm happy or not. lol

So, marriage in two months. Almost exactly. Two months and twelve days. Weird. I mean, who would have thought, four years ago that I would be getting married to Ricky and have a three year old son. Not me. I was going through a range of emotions and Ricky and I were just "trying out" a relationship. lol

Next thing we know...BAM! Positive pregnancy test. Talk about nervous and scared. Who knew what the future was going to bring. If you had told me I'd be happily engaged to Mr. P, I would have laughed in your face. Hopeful, but disbelieving.

Which is why it's so nice to look back on old journal entries. My life before Ricky and after seem so far apart. Not even connected. I used to be a driven but mousy girl. I didn't believe in myself and dedicated myself to my husband. But once he told me he'd lied to me about all the progress, about everything, I snapped. I literally snapped.

I'd had enough of taking care of other people and not getting anything back. I had cleaned, and supported, and done everything I could to make him happy. And the entire time, I was miserable. Crying alone in the bathroom. Medicating myself with tv and books.

My relationship now is totally different. We communicate. We appreciate eachother. I can honestly now say I know what it's like to want to be a better person for someone else. It amazes me how much he loves me. Not only accepts me, but adores me for who I am. Accepts my faults. Wants to communicate. But also is genuinely hurt when I yell or when he thinks I think less of him.

I really hope we can make this work for life. I'm optimistic.