Tried taping

I tried video taping a blog today. It was a total bust. Ugh, for some reason I feel completely fine writing things down. But to tape myself? That's total narcism. What the hell? I was even bored with myself.

Anyway, making some positive strides, but think I still hate myself. Or love myself. Not sure which. I haven't had a cigarette today so I guess its a bit of both. And while I sit here, I'm wearing a bra. I hate bras. They're the construct of the devil. Stupid men have it so easy.

I feel all blah right now, but honestly it's probably still better. Stupid allergies.

And work is insane crazy. And I want nothing to do with it. Stupid work.

Okay, okay. Attract what you want to be. In order to achieve my goals and be what I want to be, I have to be it. That means being full of energy and happiness and

I even want to strangle myself saying that.

I'm powerful and strong and interesting. I can have an amazing life! I can be the exception!!

Struggling with change

Most days I plan out everything that I want to accomplish. Eat more fruits and veggies, not smoke, exercise, be a perfect wife and mother. But I just can't do it. It seems beyond my power to make myself do these things.

For years now, I've written lists, scheduled reminders, made posters, goals, mantras. Tried making up alternate habits. Gotten rid of food. You name it, I've tried it.

So today, I stepped into the shower and thought...what the fuck? Why can't I do this? Why do I keep going back to cigarettes (even though I fear it now), keep sleeping in, keep eating carbs, not taking care of myself? There has to be more to it than meets the eye.

So I sat in that hot steamy water. And I started thinking about my therapist sessions. And the prior exercises we did on other issues within my life. Perhaps what's blocking me is me? My subconscious. What if there is more to me not doing things that are good for me than just me being lazy? Or not caring? Or just not having enough willpower? What if I making light of what is actually a serious situation and block?

So I sat there and tried to imagine myself at the "fuck it" point. You know that point. You're striving to be good. Do your best. And then you just think "fuck it" and do what you've worked so hard not to do.

So what was I thinking at my "fuck it" point? Eyes closed. When I reach for that food...what am I feeling? Thinking? Own it. Be honest about that moment.

Reaching for food, I'm thinking...

"I'm hungry. Why shouldn't I eat?"
"Just a little. Just this handful of wheat thins will get me through the rest of the day."
"It tastes so good, and if I eat this then I'll be done. There will be no more to eat. So let's just get it over with."
"I'm not that bad looking. I don't have THAT much to lose. I can just be better tonight...tomorrow...later."

But no, come on. There's more. I know there is. Positive mental attitude and all that. Think about what your feeling when you envision yourself thin.

"I'll be obsessed with looking good."
"I'll be a self-absorbed bitch."
"My husband will only think of terms of my sexiness and only be interested in me for sex and whenever we've had amazing sex lives, something get messed up."
"I won't be cool anymore if I'm not smoking."
"If I'm focusing on being a better version of myself, there will be no time for anyone else."
"If I'm focusing on being myself, I'm afraid of who that is. What if I'm self-centered and bitchy?"

I know no one is reading this, but I must respond to the typical reactions. Please, don't say, "Nooooo, that would never happen! You won't be a bitch!" or "That's just ridiculous, you're afraid you won't be cool if you don't smoke? You won't be cool in an iron lung." Okay, I know thats a dated reference, but you get my meaning.

So how do I overcome this? In this situation, I need to think, WWMTD? (What would my therapist do?) I've identified my deep-seated fears with losing weight. So how do I overcome them? I confront them. I confront them and I reiterate to myself every day that this is better for me. I meditate in a way. I confront my fears by reliving them until they are fears no more. So here I go....