Ahhh, starting anew.
Screw it all. I don't know why I've been so stressed. Worst case, hopefully, I get fired, I take a week off, I get working at a temp agency and I look for a new job.
I can do this. I'm a mom. I'm hearty and I survive. I've also survived my mom being sick, lived in the desert, been the child of divorce, been unemployed, been broke, supported my husband, supported various friends and family, dealt with my mother's death, my dog's death, my two cats death, my husband going crazy, doing drugs, my heart broken, my heart healed and back labor pain for 32 hours.
Yeah, I can do this.
So my next focus is...what do I want to do with my life. I've pretty much hit mid-life crisis. I have all this debt. A wonderful family, but also a grandma who's getting on in age, friends who are experiencing life much more differently than I am, and a boyfriend who is probably going to hit aging crisis soon as well (they hit it much sooner.)
I have life I want to enjoy. I want to exercise again and feel strong. I want to sit and read a book. I want to relax and take in a beautiful day. I want to show Ridley all the wonders in life and earth. I want to build my relationships and have deep, meaningful discussions again. I want to renew my passion in life.
Of course, all this means getting sleep or at least finding some substitute for it. So many things to ponder, but right now...I have to work.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sometimes, I wish we had the luxury...
Work has gotten slightly better. My 1:1 on Thursday, while not encouraging was at least not frightening. There are some rules (that I'll cover below) that I learned and need to adhere to.
However, this morning we had an issue. Ricky needed to get in early, but Patti needed help with the pack n play. Leaving late, he insisted that we drop me off first because, as he said, "we can't afford for YOU to lose your job." It is horrible that the thought of losing my job is somewhat look forward to? I mean, I don't really want to lose it, but my back is in knots from the stress. And I would love to catch up on sleep and spending time with my kid. My entire life, I've always been able to afford to allow my boyfriends the ability to quit their jobs. Ricky has done it at least once, and Rob a bit more frequently. For once, I'd love that luxury. Kick back for a few months while looking around.
*sigh*
Really, what it comes down to, is I need a vacation. I need to relieve this stress somehow. Of course, once i figure out if I have my job or not. Once, we pay off some bills. Once we get life straightened out, i can do that. But I'm wondering, if that ever really happens?
Even so, I must remember, that we're still very fortunate.
Rules of Work
However, this morning we had an issue. Ricky needed to get in early, but Patti needed help with the pack n play. Leaving late, he insisted that we drop me off first because, as he said, "we can't afford for YOU to lose your job." It is horrible that the thought of losing my job is somewhat look forward to? I mean, I don't really want to lose it, but my back is in knots from the stress. And I would love to catch up on sleep and spending time with my kid. My entire life, I've always been able to afford to allow my boyfriends the ability to quit their jobs. Ricky has done it at least once, and Rob a bit more frequently. For once, I'd love that luxury. Kick back for a few months while looking around.
*sigh*
Really, what it comes down to, is I need a vacation. I need to relieve this stress somehow. Of course, once i figure out if I have my job or not. Once, we pay off some bills. Once we get life straightened out, i can do that. But I'm wondering, if that ever really happens?
Even so, I must remember, that we're still very fortunate.
Rules of Work
- EVERY email must be treated like it's a final draft and going out to the Executive board
- Make sure everything is labeled in the most sensible way
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Oh goodness...
I've put myself in quite a pickle. Well, that's putting it lightly. I've actually been a bit MIA from my journal because I've been completely stressed out. I'm a perfectionist by nature and right now, I'm not.
I've been placed on warning at my work. 30 days from the day before Thanksgiving. This situation is stressful in it's very nature, but to learn you may get fired the week of Christmas, stresses you out beyond words.
I should have seen it coming. This job since it's inception, has been muddled. My first interview should have been an indicator. I was pretty much interviewing myself. My "future" boss was fairly uncommunicative throughout the interview. I had to lead it.
When I started my job, I started with a few low level analysis. I stuck to the formatting structure, talked to my customers, and was fairly happy. Then the entire team quit/transferred and my boss asked for volunteers to take on Domains. No one offered so he volunteered me. I should have known by everyone's lackluster response. I was thrown into the job with only less than 8 hours of training from the previous employee (who was transferred to another department, and I was not allowed to ask her questions after her transfer.) My boss, who had done the job himself, was often too busy or responded that he didn't know where data was in an effort to make me "find it myself."
After being assigned Domains, I was thrown into Splits. A convoluted process with virtually no training. Immediately I was given a very high priority, high visibility and complicated split...which I promptly messed up. And rather than help me, my boss simply informed me, "When you make mistakes, you make our department look bad. Don't do it again." And continued to have me do the complicated split for another week or so.
After that, I made a couple more mistakes, all this over the span of two years. Through maternity leave, stress, and living within a bubble. However at my year end review I was informed that I received a "Needs Improvement", but that I was already improving and would not have to worry about the "performance improvement plan" HR was making him do.
Months later, he phoned me and warned me that he was scheduling a meeting that HR had been hounding him about (his words.) And that he was calling to let me know that he was scheduling the meeting so I wouldn't worry.
So day before Thanksgiving, I arrive at this review with HR (in a conference room located in front of my peers.) At the beginning of the meeting, I'm handed a stapled set of papers that lists everything I did wrong and stated if I didn't improve, I would be fired or placed on extended warning at the end of 30 days (12/21/2012.) The irony of the day was not lost on me.
So, trying my best, I've developed checklists, checked my data twice before sending out, but my best wasn't good enough. Someone found an error in one of my reports and now I know my days are literally numbered there. My PIP said absolutely no errors for a quarter. I had one.
So...that takes care of exorcising my demons. Getting it out. Now for the part I need to stay sane. To continue to believe in myself. To continue on and realize, that while I may not have succeeded at this job, I am not a failure.
I've been placed on warning at my work. 30 days from the day before Thanksgiving. This situation is stressful in it's very nature, but to learn you may get fired the week of Christmas, stresses you out beyond words.
I should have seen it coming. This job since it's inception, has been muddled. My first interview should have been an indicator. I was pretty much interviewing myself. My "future" boss was fairly uncommunicative throughout the interview. I had to lead it.
When I started my job, I started with a few low level analysis. I stuck to the formatting structure, talked to my customers, and was fairly happy. Then the entire team quit/transferred and my boss asked for volunteers to take on Domains. No one offered so he volunteered me. I should have known by everyone's lackluster response. I was thrown into the job with only less than 8 hours of training from the previous employee (who was transferred to another department, and I was not allowed to ask her questions after her transfer.) My boss, who had done the job himself, was often too busy or responded that he didn't know where data was in an effort to make me "find it myself."
After being assigned Domains, I was thrown into Splits. A convoluted process with virtually no training. Immediately I was given a very high priority, high visibility and complicated split...which I promptly messed up. And rather than help me, my boss simply informed me, "When you make mistakes, you make our department look bad. Don't do it again." And continued to have me do the complicated split for another week or so.
After that, I made a couple more mistakes, all this over the span of two years. Through maternity leave, stress, and living within a bubble. However at my year end review I was informed that I received a "Needs Improvement", but that I was already improving and would not have to worry about the "performance improvement plan" HR was making him do.
Months later, he phoned me and warned me that he was scheduling a meeting that HR had been hounding him about (his words.) And that he was calling to let me know that he was scheduling the meeting so I wouldn't worry.
So day before Thanksgiving, I arrive at this review with HR (in a conference room located in front of my peers.) At the beginning of the meeting, I'm handed a stapled set of papers that lists everything I did wrong and stated if I didn't improve, I would be fired or placed on extended warning at the end of 30 days (12/21/2012.) The irony of the day was not lost on me.
So, trying my best, I've developed checklists, checked my data twice before sending out, but my best wasn't good enough. Someone found an error in one of my reports and now I know my days are literally numbered there. My PIP said absolutely no errors for a quarter. I had one.
So...that takes care of exorcising my demons. Getting it out. Now for the part I need to stay sane. To continue to believe in myself. To continue on and realize, that while I may not have succeeded at this job, I am not a failure.
- I have do what not many can do. I take tons of metrics and analyze, format, and present them in a matter of hours. And I do this multiple times a day.
- While I could have communicated more, my training was near to none and expectations were exceptionally high.
- I learned from my experience and bring that with me.
- I know how I failed, and I know how to fix it.
- I know what I don't want to do or where I want to do it. This job from the beginning was an experiment. I wanted to try a highly competitive, newer company to see if I liked it. I don't. Even if I had succeeded at keeping my job, I would have been utterly miserable. And probably would have stayed.
- I've missed being the main caregiver to my kid. I would love some time at home to help him develop. And explore. And discover.
- I'm fortunate enough to have a supportive family and friends.
- Finances are gonna suck, but we'll streamline and do things we didn't do before...like cook.
- Hopefully, my next job will be less stressful and I can enjoy work again. I've been so stressed, I literally shake physically when going home.
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