Starting afresh...but not before I go "full hog"

Ugh, between turning 40 this year (you didn't hear it from me), just not feeling good and unhealthy, and actually getting tests that say I'm not feeling good and unhealthy, I've decided to make a commitment. A commitment to empty my pockets into a popular weight loss company (which was already getting my money online already.) First meeting was tonight. I do need the support, the positive reinforcement, the accountability. I just keep thinking, what if I die a fatty? I know that sounds a little harsh, but hey, facts is facts. It is what it is. And if I die never having been a "normal" weight...well technically I guess there is nothing I can do about it, but the thought makes me very upset right now. So after gym class with my baby (who had a meltdown, pushed a kid, and climbed into a barrel while another kid rolled him around), I headed to WW. Just the thought of going made me feel better. It's nice to share, get ideas, see I'm not the only one who is emotionally attached to my eating. There were plenty of other people there with low self esteem and a desire to beat themselves up after eating a candy. However, my old body went into overdrive and bought a Wendy's spicy chicken meal on the way home. I'm beyond uncomfortable. I feel my face bloated. My stomach is in my throat. Ugh. But hey, I DID enter it into my journal. An amazing feat. Usually I sweep this stuff under the carpet and pray it doesn't show up on the scale. Progress....