Bike Incident

So I now have my Dad's lovely bike. 2003 Harley Davidson Heritage Softtail. I knew that bike was big and had a lot of horsepower. However tonight Ricky suggested I take it out for a spin. It started all good. I was a little shaky...and a little nervous. I took the turns wide. And felt a bit shaky at each stop, but figured after some practice I'd get better. So I hit a stop sign. Stopped. Felt a little shaky but continued onward. Ricky rode behind me ensuring my safety. Next Stop. Downward slope. Stop sign. I stopped. I fell. I felt it immediately. That loss of control. It started to fall and all I could think was, "Don't get pinned. Don't get pinned." It was my worst fear come to fruition. I lifted my leg and the bike fell below me. I started to feel heat on my other leg and I abruptly left to the side. I looked down and then I looked back. Ricky was right behind me. He rushed to my side. Lifted the bike and said, "I don't know why you went this way." I looked all around, he was right. But I was trying to avoid other obstacles down other paths. I took a deep breath. I survived. He jumped on my bike, and I jumped on his. His was much lighter than I remembered. When I first rode it, it felt so big and bulky. Now it felt lighter than air. I rode it back, a bit jittery at times. Partly due to my mental state after the accident. I circled around a few times, but much more secure in my ability to ride this lighter bike. I finally came back to the elevated carport, partly scared that I would lay another bike down, but I made it up the curb and the hill and the carport columns and stopped the bike. I made sure I was in neutral, turned the key, and got off the bike. Ricky rode in next to me. I threw off my gloves and helmet and doubted my ability to ride again. I shouldn't be so scared, so frazzled, so jittery. I was told that every biker lays down their bike at least once. It was a big bike. I knew this. It was also unstable ground. But none of this mattered. I failed. And it was a dangerous fail to boot. All the warnings from my friends and family rolled around in my head. Lord know I've done dangerous things before. Learning to drive. Learning to drive a stick shift. Speeding. Having a baby. But this new experience...I had to remind myself why I was doing this. Dad's bike meant a lot to me. I wanted to learn something new again. I wanted to be good at something I felt completely awkward at. Like learning a new job. Getting into a new relationship. Being a mother. Why am I doing this? Because I have to push myself beyond my comfort zone. I need to. I'm just freaked out because of the risk. I was always not a Daddy's girl in this way. He always ribbed me for my lack of risk taking. I can do this. I just need to do it smartly.

I'm tired and bored

I know half of that is my own fault. Our roommate said the other day, "I don't know how you guys stay so busy." It's true. And being still just drives us nuts. I'm doing the e-meals thing along with grocery delivery and buying from costco only once every two weeks. Not having to think about food, makes it so much easier and saves so much time. But now, what do I do with that time? I'm always tempted to clean house. Organize. Do work. But hell, these are not the things that memories are made of. Granted we do live a pretty full and wonderful life. We're broke most of the time because we use our money for good times...birthday bashes, family get togethers, brunches, DND matches, yes...I said DND matches. We just started. It's so fun. But every once in awhile I end up with a night with nothing to do. I sit my butt on the couch and watch tv and think about the time that I'm wasting. I simply don't know how to relax anymore. I can't appreciate just sitting. I feel guilty for not volunteering somewhere or enhancing my childs life and education or spending quality time with my husband. But I'm also so freaking tired. Perhaps I do need to learn to relax. But in a "turn off the tv and really relax" way. Like "sit in the yard and let the wind blow through my hair while I read" way. We need a nice yard. You know what...next project. Nice yard!! Goal set.

What to do with my life...

I came to the horrible revelation today that we're all living our loves to the acceptable pattern set forth to us by society. Even our rebel natures seem to be a set path, just slightly different from society. I've been watching a new tv show and somewhat questioning what I've done with my life. So obsessed by with what others think...clean house, lose weight, get a job, eat healthy foods. But just because I'm aware of what I don't have to be doesn't mean I know WHAT to be. What do I want out of life? What do I truly want? I want to LIVE life. I want to experience raw emotions. I want to experience joy, and pain, and amazement. But in order to achieve this, I have to start thinking differently. I have to let go of petty emotions (jealousy, annoyance, hatred) and start working on other emotions (acceptance, amazement, joy.) So I suppose the first step is looking around for books that help me do that. Start meditating. Start doing things that are healthy for me to do emotionally.