Busy busy

So I've been feeling much more productive lately. With Ridley now in school, even though hours are pretty much the same except earlier, I feel like I have more time to focus on myself.

I downloaded a language teacher...Russian...and a meditation app...Centered. I also have been trying to visit with family and friends more often.

One thing though...Ricky has his heart tests today. Of course, I'm worried, but more about him and his well-being, emotionally and physically. I'm there to support him no matter what but it's a scary thing. I love him. I adore him. And I hope everything comes out well.

I learned that my friends father is in the hospital today. He has colitis and a black mark on his lung. The biopsy didn't show anything but fuck. Dad passed, he took care of himself...well, relatively. He WAS a racer driver. Mom passed, but she had all kinds of illnesses since teen years. Now my friends dad. I mean, heck, why would I bust my ass living a life I'm miserable with exercising, eating ridiculous foods, being "safe", when literally anything could happen to me? Not to say I don't want to live a relatively healthy life, but I'm not going to obsess about it. Anything could happen, at any time. At least with my Dad and my Dad's friend they got to live full lives. My mom was screwed. Sick for as long as I could imagine. Putting up with shit relationships. Hard times, debt, Fuck that! I'm going to live my life to the fullest and truly enjoy it!

As the saying goes, I want to come sliding into the Pearly Gates screaming, "That was one hell of a ride!"

Nobody reads this anymore...

So I'm going to feel free to share my thoughts and feelings without any restriction.

I was laying in bed last night. For some reason thinking of people who think of suicide or perhaps even homicide. And for some reason, it came to me that perhaps just the ability to imagine it on paper would be enough to hold back the want to do it.

I don't know. Odd thoughts always fill me head before sleeping. But regardless, this inspired me to start writing again. And hopefully start doing my cartoon again too. That medium I will share with the world, friends, family.

However, right now I want to share my frustration. In my own head, I've slaughtered her a million times. Stuck my knife in her belly. Slashed her throat. I know, it sounds harsh and dramatic. Believe, I know it does. I don't actually wish her ill will. If I saw her in person again, I'd probably breathe a deep sigh and say, "While I can't be your friend again, I want you to know I feel for you." In my head she always responds with a small thanks and a grateful smile. But sometimes I wonder what her actual response would be? Would she lash out and say "Fuck you bitch!"

I wonder if she still talks to him? What they say? Or is he completely honest? Do they never talk anymore? These thoughts ate me up before. But now, I say no more. I won't let those things which I can't control or even prove, affect me. I will no longer be in a funk. I will control my own emotions. I will judge my life and relationships on the tangible and the observable.

I think sometimes, I'll probably still strangle her in my head though.