What kind of a manager do I want to be?

I think I actually entitled one of my older blog posts that. And now, I AM the boss. So very weird. I go back and forth between thoughts of "You go girl! You got this!" to "What in the hell did I do? I can't pretend I know what I'm doing for long!"

But all change always feels this way. New job, new baby, new house, new credit line. It always feels this way. I freak out. Stress. Wonder if I made the right decision. But ultimately, I know I did. (Well except that time I got a job at GoDaddy. That was ridiculous!)

Anyway, I'm back to blogging again. I need it. For myself. I've spent so much time the past few years with my nose to the grindstone. And granted, I still have a lot of things to do, but holy shit, I just want to have fun. Not a "rebel and do crazy things" kind of fun (although that'd be nice too), but actually take my time, be at peace with myself and my decisions, sit on the front porch with a Lipton tea, kinda peace.

I've lacked that for so long. I sat down the other day, having gotten through my checklist, and wondered, "What now?" I literally could not enjoy life unless I had a checklist. WTH? Like most people would grab a book, take a bath, smoke some grass. I just stared at the wall and freaked out. I didn't know what made me happy. The little things I used to do, just didn't seem to cut it anymore. So now I'm at a time in my life where I need to slow it down. Take stock. And figure out how to enjoy without feeling guilty. Figure out what's really wrong with me.

Speaking of, I'm 191 lbs right now. Like seriously? W...T...F. And I just can't seem to stop eating. I think it's a coping mechanism, brought on by the stress of my job. Fuck to, let's eat! Didn't realize I was really a stress eater until this week. Yeah,

So now I need to figure out that one too. I'm so destructive to myself. Smoking, eating, other things which I won't mention because their just OCD and absurd. But I need to slow it down. Perhaps meditation is the way to achieve that for now. I need to slow it the f' down. And breathe. Just the thought of a deep cleansing breath, seems so relaxing. Me imagining taking a deep breath seems so good (which is weird because why don't I just take the deep breath. Literally takes less energy,)

SO here I go...personal change baby!