Well at least I seem to be over my agitation at everything. Anne picked up Rids yesterday, and the initial part of the convo, was "Yeah, here's his school work and he's a good kid"...she's a 1st grade teacher so it's good to get her input. However, the end of it was me telling her how he'd been in trouble the past week and didn't want to listen to authority. Her lips got a bit pursed and of course, I took it personally. My anxiety sky-rocketed and I could feel the tangible judgement in the air. Not to say she was judging me, I just hate the idea of me or what I'm doing being judged, even if the situation just "is what it is".
The stuck with me, that and my frustration with my son, for a few hours. I snapped at Ricky. Then attempted to apologize for it, which he wouldn't let me "you don't need to say your sorry"; uh yeah, I do.
Then on the way to the show it was just back and forth nit-picking and general argumentativeness. His solution? "Snap out of it."
I hate that phrase. I'm a firm believer in you control your own emotions, but when I'm trying to acknowledge it and understand it to eventually get over it, I hate that phrase. Emotions are not so easily dealt with.
However, the rest of the night went well. I had my Strongbow and my charcuterie board. I met with lots of friends, have good conversations. The conversation I had with my brother was needed. We have both dealt with so many difficulties in life and neither knows the others story. We talked about Dad, Rids, relationships, dreams in life...and ended with the usual "I love you man!"
After kibitzing for a while, we headed home and passed out in exhaustion, knowing we wouldn't have to wake up early to the laughter of a 6 year old. My child is the love of my life (aside from Ricky) and I love being with him, but damn, that kid is exhausting. Perhaps it's me? Perhaps I struggle too much? Perhaps I'm too judgey myself. He definitely has obstacles to overcome and needs to listen more, but maybe, just maybe, I've failed in my ability to show him the better sides of things. I always have been supportive of the "question everything" and "teach them why, not just take demands". I know everyone may not agree with me, but it was the way I was raised and I think I did well. However, I have failed in showing him how fun "work" can be. How much fun "responsibility" can be. To take the lighter side of things. To take a bad situation and make it good.
Maybe I need to relax. Maybe I need to chill out and stop fighting it so much. We have such a difficult time saying we cherish differences, but ultimately we're all held to the same standards. I want my child to challenge those standards. I want him to be passionate and excel and think for his own. (I mean, I do want him to listen to...but he needs to decipher between whats a benefit and what is just something he doesn't want to do.)
So perhaps that will be my goal this week. Make life fun not only for me but my child. Work through things with fun and passion, even when the world thinks it's work.
It's funny, you spend the majority of your life finding yourself. Altering your goals and dreams and interactions for the best of you. But when you have a child, that world and that mentality is turned upside down. You're interactions now are being learned from. You have to think of what's best for the kid, not just you anymore. You have to teach someone else to live. Perhaps, I'm overthinking it. Whatevs. I just need to not struggle so much. Life shouldn't be this damn hard, and I'm making it so damn hard. *grumble*
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