Family Outings

Regardless of all the progress I've made, there is still one thing that always gets to me. It doesn't make any sense and I'm not sure why I get so emotional over it. It's being excluded from my roommates family outings.

I know, I told you...ridiculous. But I have reason to say this. Every family get together (with the exception of one) since I've been living with them, I've been invited to. There was bowling and two dinners with Rs family. When Ks sister came to town we went everywhere together. And then when we went to Vegas we spent all our time with Ks family.

There was a wedding too, but R was invited and K was not (obviously, I didn't go). That's another story altogether.

But now, Rs family is celebrating K and R's brother's girlfriends birthdays at a breakfast this Sunday. I've heard them talk about it and usually when Rs mom invites them, she always turns to me and says, "You MUST go!" too.

Now, I know I'm going to have to break the apron ties eventually. But for the meantime it's nice to be included. I suppose I could spend a nice Sunday morning by myself, playing wii or perhaps doing my cartoon.

I guess it's just the general feeling of being excluded. I REALLY need to get over that. Do you know to this day I still have anxiety over being left behind? When I'm getting ready in the morning, I rush like a madman thinking to myself, "Was that a door I heard? Will they really leave me behind if I don't get ready soon enough?" What's up with that?! Where in the hell did that insecurity come from?!?

Anyway, I'm good. I'll get over it. Maybe I'll visit my mom on Sunday. Or my ex-dog. Or maybe I'll just run around in my undies singing "Old Time Rock N Roll"

Enjoying Life

I still haven't discovered myself completely, but I'm slowly learning. I think it was a mistake to think the first emotional hurdle was to find myself. There's a time of healing that is required before moving on.

This first few weeks were devastating. To leave someone you love, but just can't live with anymore takes an incredible toll emotionally. This is definately one of those experiences that you can't possibly fathom unless you experience it yourself. I went through so many emotions. Some nights would cry myself to sleep, and others I would just keep myself busy until I collasped in the bed.

However, with the help of friends, I was able to heal. I can't tell you how many times I would be in such a deep funk. I was invested in staying in that funk and depression, and then my roommates would pull me out of it. I don't know if they had super-friend-sensory powers or what, but they always said the right thing to make me laugh or realize that I wasn't going through this alone.

It was really difficult at first to live with a couple. They were respectful of not being too affectionate with eachother in front of me, but each time they leaned in towards eachother, hugged, kissed, I just kept wondering if I would ever have that again.

As time has progressed though, these PDAs don't bother me so much. I used to sit on the porch, intentionally alone, and imagine what it would be like to be in someone's embrace. However, the last few days when this thought occurred to me, I was able to think to myself, "Huh. No emotional response whatsoever. I'm good."

I used to think my one and only goal to this seperation was just to find myself. But I'm finding so many other important things to accomplish now. I think my first big hurdle was just surviving it. Finding the strength not to cave in and go back. The second was to heal emotionally and realize that I can be just me. Not one of two. Not the other half. Just me.

I'm not sure when my journey towards self-realization will start. Quite frankly, I'm not worried about that right now. It's only been two months and I think I've made tremendous progress. My mind is starting to clear. I can work again. I'm not thinking of it every second of the day.

And that's good enough for me. For now.

Bear with me, this may be a long entry...

I know I should be updating more often, but I'm just so darn busy. Take yesterday for example...

It started out as a normal day, got up, got showered, got dressed. But I went in sans one co-worker/roommate/BFF. R broke his tooth...no, actually shattered it, and at the nagging of K (his girlfriend/my other roommate/BFF) and I, he finally agreed to go into the dentist.

K has their car, so I made arrangements the night prior to borrow my mother's car. She's been asking me to take it in for emmissions, but I digress. So around 11, I head back from work to pick up R and take him to his dental appointment. 2 hours later, he finds out his back teeth will need major work. To the tune of about $8k with the insurance. Ugh!!

Grab lunch, then head back to work. Finish a few reports. Then head back out towards home stopping only briefly at QT for the best fountain drinks ever, and at Baskin Robbins for a birthday cake for K. That's right...it was her birthday.

Get home and their puppy, Niles, is puking and wheezing like a mo-fo. R calls they say keep an eye on him and if he doesn't get better take him to the emergency animal hospital. After a little while, he seems to get better, so we head out for some great indian cuisine. The meal was awesome!!!

Head back home, have the cake for K, and determine that Niles is getting worse, so we head over to the emergency animal hospital after confirming a minimum $100 office charge. (Ouch!!!) Stay there until about 11 p.m. Find out he has a small trachea and possibly pneumonia, but that can't be confirmed without expensive x-rays. The animal hopsital can do the x-rays, but it would be at least double the fee that the normal vet charges. So we bundled up Niles with confirmation that he would be fine overnight, and head home to pass out.

This is not an unusual night. On Monday we went to see R's brother perform choir at the high school and bumped into my father-in-law and his wife...for the first time after the split...no worries though. He's a great guy. Just weird. Small world.

So let's recap. Since I've moved out, I've...went to Las Vegas, taken my mother to and from the hospital, helped K with all her various ankle needs, taken the puppy to and from the hospital, visited R and K's various families for bowling, dinner, choir specials, and visited many a bar and club. Not too mention playing a new Wii every spare moment I get. Oh! And I also finally saw Dr. Strangelove. Strange, indeed.

Well gotta go. Gotta fit work in somewhere and I had a full day and a half of major St. Pats day celebration to fit in on Saturday! Ciao! Or rather Erin Go Braugh!

Too Much

I seem to swing back and forth between fear and happiness lately. Guilt and apathy. So many emotions...

So much has happened in the last month. I moved out of my house with my cats. I settled into a new place, that's not even mine anymore. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Went to Vegas. My mom was in the hospital. Some days I feel like I just can't bear it anymore.

Lately, I've been feeling really guilty about moving out of the house. I swing back and forth between feeling like I deserve some happiness to feeling miserable for causing my husband's misery. He's declining. He's become a hermit. Not really talking to anyone. He's looking for work. Worried about finances. His mental health is on the decline and he's stopped taking his medications.

It's hard for me not to worry about him. Thirteen years of taking care of him...that's a hard habit to break. Some days I just want to rush back over there and correct everything. But I know I can't. I just don't feel the same way. But I feel so damn guilty for choosing my own happiness over his at the moment. I feel like I've become this unlucky coin that's getting passed around.

Today is a melancholy day. Tonight will be poker night. I'm looking forward to it. I seem to have really fun moments with my friends interspersed with excrutiating moments of grief and guilt for hubby to go through all this.