I seem to swing back and forth between fear and happiness lately. Guilt and apathy. So many emotions...
So much has happened in the last month. I moved out of my house with my cats. I settled into a new place, that's not even mine anymore. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Went to Vegas. My mom was in the hospital. Some days I feel like I just can't bear it anymore.
Lately, I've been feeling really guilty about moving out of the house. I swing back and forth between feeling like I deserve some happiness to feeling miserable for causing my husband's misery. He's declining. He's become a hermit. Not really talking to anyone. He's looking for work. Worried about finances. His mental health is on the decline and he's stopped taking his medications.
It's hard for me not to worry about him. Thirteen years of taking care of him...that's a hard habit to break. Some days I just want to rush back over there and correct everything. But I know I can't. I just don't feel the same way. But I feel so damn guilty for choosing my own happiness over his at the moment. I feel like I've become this unlucky coin that's getting passed around.
Today is a melancholy day. Tonight will be poker night. I'm looking forward to it. I seem to have really fun moments with my friends interspersed with excrutiating moments of grief and guilt for hubby to go through all this.
4 comments:
I pray that things will get sorted out asap for you... and that you will stop feeling guilty. Much love and hugs to you.
xxx
here's food for thought.
perhaps you Do owe him at least the assistance in getting him to restart taking his meds?
hmmm.no thAT doesnt mean you need to change how you feel. it just means after 13 years, you must have some feelings....and no (joke...---you dont need to sleep with him...)
I’m by no means an expert, but it sounds like your husband is trying to get your attention and sympathy by not taking care of himself. Rewarding these actions by going back to take care of him might create an even bigger problem.
Perhaps you could talk to him about seeing a counselor for a session or two to get on track.
It’s not fair for you to feel guilty or responsible for his actions or happiness. Take care of yourself, and good luck.
update! how are you?
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