I want to be sexy again!

What started this? I'm distracted...Blacklist is on. Anyway, I was driving home...Oh! That's it! I went to Costco. I bought new panties. They're a bit granny-isa but so silky. Very nice to wear. Ricky mentioned me being sexy in t-shirt and underwear last night. Got me motivated. I'd like to feel sexy again. Again, I feel guilty spending the money, being so selfish. Perhaps if I can be nicer in other areas, I can feel less guilty about this. What is WRONG with me?

Vanity

What harm could a little caffeine do? Famous last words. I'm sitting here jittery as fuck. I've only had 1/4 a coffee that was chock full of creamer anyway. Well cream. And now my fingers can't stop shaking and I feel like I'm tweaking out. Great. Just about 4 more hours of this. I put a reminder in to write in my blog daily. I know it's supposed to be cathartic, but half the time I write something out and then end up not publishing it because the thought enters my mind, "What does it fucking matter anyway?" Not even sure why I think that. Like my thoughts aren't even interesting enough for myself. I know I'm not doing this FOR anyone. Just myself. But even I get bored by me. I dyed my hair pink today. Well pinkish. Half my hair is still red, so it's like red and pink. But I want to bleach it now and go full pink. Gone is the conservative Amy and in with the new fun Amy. Of course, as soon as I start doing things like this, the ole religion pops back up in my mind. "Why are you doing this? You could be putting your money to something useful, like saving a starving child in Africa or Phoenix." or "Stop being so vain. When you do this you're just looking for people to tell you how nice they think your hair looks." and "Ricky didn't even say anything about it, why did I do this? Does he even care anymore?" So yeah, that's my fucked up head. Thinking always. Always judging myself for EVERY SINGLE MOVE or THOUGHT I do. This morning I ran the gambit of berating myself for using profanity in my mind and thinking maybe pick hair was too frivolous to thinking I was too vain to thinking I waste too much money. I mean, what if I get up to heaven and God is all like, "Yeah, you gave away money and tried to help people, but it still wasn't enough, you greedy, vain, little person you." To which I'll be sorely disappointed, but slightly impressed that he used the word "little" to describe me. Oh vanity.

Realizations

I think it would be in my best interest to pick up the blog again. I have way to many issues and not enough money to see a therapist. So next best thing... So, we went to go see Deadpool the other day. Awesome movie. There are so many things I could say about this movie, but quite frankly about a bill-yun other websites have already said it. So instead, I'll just share my person actualizations about this movie and the population in general...I mean around me. So whenever I see one of these movies I get extremely amped up. I want to be a badass. I want to kick ass. I want to take the names. I want to be that guy on the screen. Deft, agile, totally cool and totally violent. My body literally starts getting all antsy and I just want to pop up and bash someone in the head. Not like in a violent way, but in a "your gonna start shit with me? I don't think so!" (I told you I have issues.) I assumed everyone had this reaction. I figured scores of people came out of that movie, just looking to cause damage to the first person that looked at them wrong. They ran out of the theatre for a seamstress to create their new hero spandex suit. So on the way home, I asked my respective carmates what they wanted to be when they grew up. The answers? #1: "Comfortable" #2: "A writer" What?!?! You never wanted to be a super hero?? Especially after watching movies like that?!?! Seriously?!?!?!?!?!!? (was that enough question marks and exclamation points?) HOW COULD YOU NOT?!?!? My poor little brain exploded then. I just assumed the world wanted to save the world. Does this make me obligated to start figuring out my hero colors? Do I need to start taking krav mega? I mean, if I don't, who will? Then my mind start drifting too, "Well, being badass is super cool but honestly your a freaking christian. Pretty sure christianity is about THE OPPOSITE of kicking butt. So maybe you should just like, volunteer and give back to community." So yeah, I need to do that. I do the occasion Smoke Walk. I give my $1 at Walgreens when the signature pad asks me. I give a buck or two to the homeless guy on the freeway ramp when I can. But maybe it's time to step it up. I'll still take that Krav Maga class though. ;-)