Vanity

What harm could a little caffeine do? Famous last words. I'm sitting here jittery as fuck. I've only had 1/4 a coffee that was chock full of creamer anyway. Well cream. And now my fingers can't stop shaking and I feel like I'm tweaking out. Great. Just about 4 more hours of this. I put a reminder in to write in my blog daily. I know it's supposed to be cathartic, but half the time I write something out and then end up not publishing it because the thought enters my mind, "What does it fucking matter anyway?" Not even sure why I think that. Like my thoughts aren't even interesting enough for myself. I know I'm not doing this FOR anyone. Just myself. But even I get bored by me. I dyed my hair pink today. Well pinkish. Half my hair is still red, so it's like red and pink. But I want to bleach it now and go full pink. Gone is the conservative Amy and in with the new fun Amy. Of course, as soon as I start doing things like this, the ole religion pops back up in my mind. "Why are you doing this? You could be putting your money to something useful, like saving a starving child in Africa or Phoenix." or "Stop being so vain. When you do this you're just looking for people to tell you how nice they think your hair looks." and "Ricky didn't even say anything about it, why did I do this? Does he even care anymore?" So yeah, that's my fucked up head. Thinking always. Always judging myself for EVERY SINGLE MOVE or THOUGHT I do. This morning I ran the gambit of berating myself for using profanity in my mind and thinking maybe pick hair was too frivolous to thinking I was too vain to thinking I waste too much money. I mean, what if I get up to heaven and God is all like, "Yeah, you gave away money and tried to help people, but it still wasn't enough, you greedy, vain, little person you." To which I'll be sorely disappointed, but slightly impressed that he used the word "little" to describe me. Oh vanity.