The bitch

I really should blog more often. I don't see a therapist (although quite frankly I'd never see a therapist, always a psychologist or psychiatrist, but that's another story) so I should perhaps at least jot down my insanity somewhere public where people can read it right? It's funny. I tell people all the time what a horrible person I am. I'm a horrible bitch. People always say no, that I'm super sweet. I think they're crazy. But then again, I never really say what's in my head. I've become more detached lately. It's probably due to now being an orphan. Sounds like a weird thing to say at 40, but it's technically true right? Whatever, say what you will, I have no parents anymore. After my Dad passed away I knew I was sad, but affected? No way. Of course, I'm solely blaming it on my parents. I highly doubt they're the only reason. A shitty marriage, a broken home, a tumultuous relationship, two parents, two cats and one dog all dying within 7 years of each other? I'm become jaded. I kept moving further and further back emotionally from people and now...I feel like Raven from Teen Titans. Constantly seeing the negative in people. Wanting people to be perfect. I wasn't always like this. I used to always wear my heart on my sleeve. I never really thought of other people critically. Well sometimes, but it wasn't the norm. I was always there for people. Empathetic. Then something snapped. I adore my son and my husband, but I still feel like an empty shell. I recognize in my head that I shouldn't be so critical. I should love and accept and be there for everyone. But the other part of me says, "Fuck it. You're tired and there is no one around that cares. I mean people care, but not enough to ask where you've been if you were to disappear for awhile." Yeah that jaded. I fear that part of it is this overwhelming fear that I'm going to burn in hell. No one ever talks about that, right? Christ loves and forgives and accepts. But I'm a divorced woman, remarried, living in sin with a bastard child (who I adore, don't get me wrong) and who I would never turn away from. I don't tithe, I don't go to church, I support gay marriage, and I horrible with my money. There are children in other countries starving to death and I'm worried about what type of band I should get for my watch. Seriously? I should burn for that right? Don't give me that tripe about, "Nooo, but Onyx, you volunteer, you help people, you're not mean." We all make excuses. Excuses to make others feel better about who they are and what they do. So what am I going to do? I suppose I need to make changes. Really evaluate my relationships with others, my relationship with God, what is going to make me happy. I'm just scared that the only thing that will make me feel like I'm not going to burn for eternity is give up everything and give my life to charity. Or lots of money. But I know I need to fulfill my financial promises first before I can take care of others. But still. I need to be better with my money. Clear up those debts. Then I would have the ability to help others better. I can still volunteer my time. I guess I really just need to reevaluate my life and actually follow through with it. So *sigh* what would make me feel better that I really tried to be a good Christian without sacrificing my role as wife and mother? 1) Plan to volunteer and give. I need to clean up our finances and bills in order to free up money to donate the way I want to. 2) Reevaluate spending. What's just gratuitous and what's needed? We already have a good home and a good life. What isn't necessary? Identify when I get into my crazy "We have money, let's spend it" attitudes. 3) Stop focusing so much on the damn computer and media. Put it down. Actually spend time with people. Reconnect. 4) Study the bible. Not just the revisions but the actual writings. All of them. Look at what Jesus really said. I know, all of this sounds crazy. I'm a crazy person. A person of faith who is conflicted. I love passion. I love fun. I love being open and honest and crazy. But I don't want to burn in hell and I want to help. lol