Thinking...

Always thinking about dad, death, mortality now. I'm somber most of the time. I have moments of wild abandon. In which I think, "Life is too short, I need to experience it." But then other times I fear for my life and the lives of others. I think hopefully I have a good twenty years left. Hopefully, Ricky has a good twenty or more years left. Hopefully nothing will happen to my son.

I'm trying to snap out of it, but when you hear the words from your father, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" repeated in your mind from the day he got into his accident resulting in his death, you wonder what state of mind he was in. He had also said he was ready to go. He was also out of it from drugs. Where was he the day he died? What was he thinking? Was he thinking?

I know my father wouldn't want me to mourn, but I can't help but let it affect me. I miss him. I miss him for Riddles. I miss him for Anne. Adjusting is a struggle. Trying to be happy. Trying to enjoy life. Trying not to be scared all the time.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life? I know I want to help others, but how? So many choices. I also want to LIVE. But how do I do that? Now...with a small kid. I suppose it's not that difficult. Just need to get my money in order. Thats what is holding me back. Probably shouldn't let it.

Just have an overwhelming amount of "stuff" to sort out and organize. I just need to "do" and stop "planning". Ugh. I'm horrible at just doing.

When will this end?

Let's review the monthly activities, shall we?

• Father in hospital for three weeks
• Father passed away
• Father's mom passed away
• Got married
• Food poisening
• Fever for three days so far

When will I get a break?

Okay, okay, so all things considered, life can be worse. Much worse. I have people that love me and support me. I'm not on my deathbed. It's just that I would love some normalcy right now. Just good old fashioned normal schedule and health. That would be nice. 

Getting better all the time...

Life is full of ups and downs right now. One moment I'll be "meh" and the other I'll be happy. Very bipolar right now. 

I don't know if its the weather or life in general right now, but I really want to clean and organize and get the house looking normal and functional. Ricky will be working a lot, so I'll have a lot of time to do this. 

Shoot...I forgot to brush riddles teeth again. 

So I'll need to set up my to do list in an area I will notice. I think I'm getting a new phone next weekend. I wonder if the watch app has Wunderlist? Wouldn't that be nice!!

Such a long time...

Or at least it feels like it. I don't even remember doing an entry on Oct 23rd. I don't remember doing anything lately. 

I go between feeling pumped up and ready to kick the worlds ass (it's what Dad would have appreciated) to just being down and neutral. I'm so tired and I believe half of it is from just overall depression. The death of my father has hit me hard. Between losing a dad, and Ridley losing a grandfather, and just being faced with mortality, it all has me stressing. On top of that, I'm unsure of my new relationship with Anne and my fathers family. I know they are mine too, but it feels stilted as of late. I want to talk about Dad but I don't want to make the newly scabbed over wounds raw in any way. So we usually enjoy a light conversation of current events. 

On top of everything, work is now expecting a lot from me. I probably sold myself too well. lol. However I'm staying up late (and actually enjoying the work itself.) Just stressed about getting it done in time. We'll see how it goes. 

One of my larger stressors is getting enough money for the house. I'll have to talk to some credit person and also some house person. And see what we can do. 

So much I WANT to do and so little I actually CAN. 

So many goals and so much guilt. I really need to pull myself together.

Busy Life

I'm been meaning to get to the blog for ages, but life has been so busy I haven't been able to log anything.

Now I do so out of necessity. Several things have happened, let me start with the most maudlin. My father has passed away. While we knew he only had at most a few good years left, we never anticipated it happening so early. I can still hear him call my name, "Hey Ames." I can still see him playing with Ridley on the sofa. I'm not sure how to feel at times. My dad never wanted to be an invalid, relying on people to change his diaper, not be able to move and enjoy life. However, he was taken so quickly. An accident led to a trach which lead to his heart giving out. October 16th, Thursday morning was the day we all heard. Two days before my wedding. Damn it Dad.

It was decided that Dad would have wanted us to continue with the wedding. It was such a flurry of activity, it kept me distracted from the negative emotions. I was happy to marry Ricky, but the boy was crazy, everything was a blur. I'm still in need of some downtime from everything. Especially with my new husband.

Today is the day we hold services for my father. I'm so depressed, I'm just tired. I want to sleep. Can I sleep for just awhile? Just a little while?

Wow!

It's almost the end of the year, okay not that close, but I haven't blogged much at all. I guess you can tell when I'm happier. I stop reading, stop blogging, start living. 

Although, currently life has it's ups and downs. Me and the future Mr had a serious discussion last night (aka argument.) It was exhausting and depleting and now all day today all I want to do is nap. That's my body's way of coping with both physical and mental and emotional pain...let's ignore the world by passing out. 

Funny how each year I ponder, "what happened to me?" And why the hell haven't I changed it? I mean life isn't bad, but what the heck happened to me?

Perhaps my past life was due to the people I was involved with. Not myself. I was involved with a group of good, if not morally questionable, people. Now I'm a hermit. 

Maybe I need to involve myself in something? Get involved again. But the question is with what? I really don't want to go back to Toastmasters. That requires too much work. At least for me. I always get roped into doing stuff. Right now I just need something enjoyable. But heck if I know what that is. 

I'm on the cusp of getting a new job, so perhaps that will be my catalyst. I just need to be patient. Bleh. 

Life is a flurry right now

But a good flurry. I think. I'm so scattered, I don't know if I'm happy or not. lol

So, marriage in two months. Almost exactly. Two months and twelve days. Weird. I mean, who would have thought, four years ago that I would be getting married to Ricky and have a three year old son. Not me. I was going through a range of emotions and Ricky and I were just "trying out" a relationship. lol

Next thing we know...BAM! Positive pregnancy test. Talk about nervous and scared. Who knew what the future was going to bring. If you had told me I'd be happily engaged to Mr. P, I would have laughed in your face. Hopeful, but disbelieving.

Which is why it's so nice to look back on old journal entries. My life before Ricky and after seem so far apart. Not even connected. I used to be a driven but mousy girl. I didn't believe in myself and dedicated myself to my husband. But once he told me he'd lied to me about all the progress, about everything, I snapped. I literally snapped.

I'd had enough of taking care of other people and not getting anything back. I had cleaned, and supported, and done everything I could to make him happy. And the entire time, I was miserable. Crying alone in the bathroom. Medicating myself with tv and books.

My relationship now is totally different. We communicate. We appreciate eachother. I can honestly now say I know what it's like to want to be a better person for someone else. It amazes me how much he loves me. Not only accepts me, but adores me for who I am. Accepts my faults. Wants to communicate. But also is genuinely hurt when I yell or when he thinks I think less of him.

I really hope we can make this work for life. I'm optimistic.

So annoyed with the world

You know your OCD is getting bad when you start stepping into rooms and imaging what they'd be like if you lived by yourself. I look around the room. Imagine all the time I'd have on my hands and also how I would leave little messes all over the place. I imagine the office desk perfectly set up. All clean and neat. Then the bookcases and all the misc crap laying around them. The empty bottles of water wouldn't be there. The stains on the carpet.

But then I take a big sigh and realize all I traded in for my ability to be clean and organized. A wonderful fiancee who loves me immensely and snuggles me each morning. A kid that screams "Mom!" and runs into my arms every time I see him. A dog that's loyal enough to sleep by my side every night. All of this is worth every misc bit of crap laying around and every dirty patch on the carpet.

Getting there slowly?

Oh goodness. I am not what I was. 

I had a few communications with my friends this week regarding wedding shopping and other various things. It's not as close as I would hope. I just haven't been that great of a friend since Ridley. I've been huddled in my world. Focused only on my child and me and our survival. Admittedly any special attention is reserved for Ricky. I've been civil with my friends, but not close. Trying to repair that damage will take a while and getting myself back into habits of unselfishness will take work. 

Perhaps it's just me, but having a baby makes you selfish. You center your world around this one little being's survival. It takes all your energy to take care of them and what tiny bit of energy is left is reserved for things like showers or cleaning. I haven't had time much for else. At first I thought it was just a temporary situation, but without a car, it took all my time away from everyone. Now I need to learn to be social again. 

It's funny. Over the past years, I've withdrawn into this shell. The thought of a meeting or phone call makes me cringe. I know I can train myself to be social and caring again. I just need to suck it up and jump in. 

On a lighter note, I've tried MindBloom and it actually seems to be helping. At least these first few days. Let's hope I can continue to utilize it effectively. 

Muchness

I love the line in Alice in Wonderland where Alice is told she's lost her muchness. That's how I feel. I constantly question myself, who I am, what I do. I feel like I lost my muchness.

I'm constantly battling this vision of myself...being overweight, being bitchy, being lazy.

So I'm trying to overcome that. Those doubts in my head. I need to build my confidence again. My fun. My muchness.

I feel the year ahead will have a lot of change and I'm looking forward to that.

Thoughts

A thought passes my mind every once in awhile. Getting older, at least for me, hasn't made me more confident. I was expecting this slow creep of positive self-esteem. Being comfortable in my body and my mind. A knowledge and understanding of the world that only comes with age and experience. However, the older I get the more aware I am of the mistakes I've made in the past. Although, without these mistakes I would not have learned, I'm still ashamed by them and they're a reminder that my quest for perfectionism can never be achieved. I'll always have those black marks in the past.

When I was younger, I had that confidence. New to the world, I pursued everything with excitement and doggedness. I was smart and ahead of the game. I thrilled in being a successful career woman in her 20s. But as I got older, I didn't really progress in my career. I still know the old technologies. I don't do too badly with them but I haven't pursued the new technologies like I should have. I've settled into what I know.

The last 10, 15, 20 years came with enormous amounts of stress. From an unstable home of divorced parents, to a relationship with a drug-addicted boyfriend, to a crazed lifestyle with a mentally unstable husband, to a passionate affair with a narcissist, a dying mother, an unexpected pregnancy, and finally a settled and normal happy relationship with the father of my child and love of my life.

However, even though all those experiences left their own mark. I still wouldn't change them. They kind of compounded upon each other. Well, except my mother's death. That stood alone. It was inevitable, but completely unexpected. I don't know why, but I never connected leukemia with cancer. I never connected either with death. My mom had survived so much more in the past.

My mom was 10 times the woman and mother I am. Throughout all her battles with auto-immune diseases, she always managed to give back. She volunteered almost up to her dying day. She gave of herself to anyone who asked or needed it. If someone wants an example of how unfair life is, they only need to look at my mother.

I think of her and what she did with her life. I'm happily getting married and have a wonderful relationship with a man who loves me passionately. I have a career that pays me well and allows me the flexibility to take care of my family and enjoy my life. I have friends that support me and are there for whenever I need them. So why do I still feel lacking? What did I learn in my life to believe that I still need to do more?

Keep a clean house. Make more money. Have a bigger house...car...nicer clothes. Closer friendships, that one makes sense, doesn't it? Skinnier. Smarter. More attractive. Funnier.

Where do I start? How do I build back that confident girl of the past?