Fifteen Years from Now

Okay so I can't read any further in my book until I get this done. Because I know if I don't, I'll never get it done. But it's important. Where do I see myself fifteen years from now or rather 26 things on my bucket list. Why is this so darn hard for me? I always question my decisions. Are they good ones? Are they selfish? #firstworldproblems

First off, where do I see myself 15 years from now. Well, hopefully alive. And in good physical and mental health. Rids will be 20. Wow, what a thought. I see him as a passionate young man, who knows his parents are there to support him but not baby him. I see myself with Ricky. Still laying in bed together, sharing ideas and feelings. I see myself as a successful businesswoman. Having helped set the company for success and being a leader in healthcare. Taking care of those who need it most. We are financially stable but always there to help others. We still have our clan of friends and we meet frequently, experiencing the most life has to offer. We've travelled the world and experienced culture. From tourist to genuine culture. I've helped set up programs to help those less fortunate. Did I mention I'm healthy and physically fit? I know who I am and where I fit in and felt I've made a lasting positive effect in the world.

1) Worked through my issues with my therapist
2) Physically fit and can run
3) Travelled the world
4) Be there for my family
5) Continue to have friends and family over for get togethers
6) Be a leader in my company to helping out those in need
7) Have all my teeth fixed and my family's
8) Live a healthy lifestyle
9) Experience a rock star lifestyle
10) Go back to NYC
11) Establish a learning clinic for those who need better skills
12) Study all religions
13) Have a phenomenal IQ
14) Be highly sexual and passionate with my husband
15) Experiment sexually
16) Have a fun work environment
17) Have a fun home
18) Have very close relationships with people
19) Have a tremendously good relationship with my husband
20) Go see a big celebrity in Vegas
21) Learn to drive like a bodyguard
22) Not be afraid of death
23) Learn to play basketball
24) Do gymnastics
25) Learn to fight
26) Learn more about politics and social structures

Super Tired

Yes, I'm THAT type of nerd. I played DND until 1 am last night. And then my boy decided to wake fully up at 5:30 in the morning. Damn you child!

However, I let his dad sleep in, so I can catch up to some work and some house work. It's peaceful here right now. Just have to remember to get in some good activity time with the kid. He's currently playing Minecraft. In the immortal words of Corbin Dallas, "It'll rot your brains out kid."

My emotions keep going in roller coaster waves, from "I can totally handle this!" to "WTF are you doing? Is it too late to back out?"

Things seemed less chaotic as a grunt. Now I'm a manager, it's like giving birth all over again. Let me give you an example. Friday afternoon, no meetings, perfect time to experience peace and quiet and catch up on requests. But no. One of my team decides to rely on me for a lot this afternoon. This is someone who would normally work with someone else, but they are out on vacation. And now I've opened that can of worms ("lemme help you!") and now it can't be unopened. Parenting in the first year is a lot like that. You want to get sleep but there's this tiny little helpless human being demanding to fed right this second. Okay not exactly the same, but similar. It's exhausting. Social interaction!

I just have to remember that it will become habit eventually. I'll find my groove. It will be all good.

9/11

So much going on in the world today. Hurricanes in Florida, wildfires in CA and Montana, Trump being an idiot. Yes, I said it. Everyone is either afraid to share their political views or gets in your face about it. I get it. But guess what? I don't like Trump. You may like him. We don't have to get heated or crazy or even passionate about it. I think the only reason people are passionate about the guy is because they either believe he's gonna save everyone or they feel they have to protect their opinion.

Guess what? I you say you like Trump, I'm probably gonna not like it, but I'll still like you. Unless you drown puppies or something, then you're a dick.

So, today I'm feeling so tired and achy, and my tummy hurts. So I stayed at home. I hate this damn "manager" schedule anyway. Most of my people work from home MOST of the week. I get it, being there in person, working with customers, does help. But mostly I don't see them in person either.

Right now, I just want to curl up in my bed and go sleeps. I'm sure my husband feels even more so. He mentioned time off today. I should push him about that.

So I made my own organization system...

...with help from other systems, of course.

Yes, I finally hit my OCD peak!

I just was frustrated with my inability to track projects and goals with Panda, but still loved the focus and gratitude it gave me. So I created my own system! Take that!

The nice thing about it is that I can update the template as it fits my needs. If something is missing, or I never use something...I can update it!

Of course, I'll be printing out about 7 pages per week, but it's probably less paper waste than if I ordered new books every 90 days.

I went full blown OCD today and made all my template pages, filled them out, started working on everything. And I must say, I'm exhausted, but happy. I still feel like I might be missing something in the details, but I also need to learn to focus on one (or a few things) at a time as opposed to everything at once. Which reminds me, I need to look at my to do list one last time from my old planner. Doh!

But as my psych says, don't view it as a problem. If it doesn't detract from your life, it's a good thing. Stop listening to all the naysayers and psych books! I still spent time with my family today, got stuff done, got focused. I didn't get in trouble for ignoring something and I created a new system that will work for ME! Go me!

Slave to the task list

It's 11 pm. I should be sleeping. But instead I'm writing in my blog because my to do list told me to.

It was actually a decent day today. I probably should have focused a little more. I have to keep repeating to myself, "I'm a manager. My goals are not mine anymore. I work for the people."

It's a very odd situation when you are a manager. Only because so many people have this preconceived notion of what a manager is and it's usually wrong.

I grew up (professionally) in the world of the 90s. TQM (total quality management), training, franklin covey. Back then, there was a real focus on what you put into something is what you got out. My company ensured that I took 40 hours of training a year..at minimum. And it showed. We regularly reviewed goals and values. I could tell you my own personal goals and actions and how it supported the company. I lived and breathed corporate culture. And it was good. It was a family owned business (until it wasn't) and I could take the President to task...if I knew what I was talking about.

Now I work for a big company. They try to embody goals and values, but it falls short. I don't get a sense from Management that they are there for the people. I don't think they get it. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love my company. I get the unique experience of helping out others who really need it with the guilty pleasure of actually getting paid well to do it.

However, I don't think management understands the bottom up pyramid that makes a successful company. Ever heard of it? Well, my customers are not only those who the company supports, they're my team. I'm not really here to manage the processes. I mean, I am. Bottom line, right? But my job, in totality, is to support my people. Not manage them, support them.

I need to recognize what they need. What they need to challenge them. What they need to make them happy about what they are doing. What they need to become efficient at what they are doing. What they need to do their job and do it well. That may be me praising them. That may be me scheduling training. That may be me pulling them aside and saying, "Step it up. I know you have it in you."

My husband is a very smart man. He's been doing this longer than I. He says that once you're a manager, forget the praise and the recognition. It's for your people now. Had a great project? It's your people. Customer is happy? It's your people.

It's just going to take me a little while to make that transition. Thank goodness I already have great people on my team. Makes it easier.

Turn it into a positive

For the past few days, I've had this task on my list. It simply says, "Find out what makes you happy." Today I turned it into, "Find out what makes you relaxed." Because quite frankly happiness is easy. It's tickling my son. Joking around with my girls. Cleaning the house. Finishing my task list (blog...check!) However, how to relax, that is still way beyond my ability.

Take yesterday for example...I sat on the couch. Knowing full well I should just be. Actually, take it a step back. Ricky and I were laying in bed. Nothing on. Just quiet. Ricky said, "This is nice. Just laying here." He was right. I couldn't remember the last time, we just sat in quiet.

There's always a tv or noise going on. We're always "doing" something. Dishes have to be cleaned. Work has to be done. Homework has to be completed. But we never just sit and just relax.

I mean, I've done meditation in the past. Honestly I should do it again. But who has time? I supposed I have to make time. Sounds so much easier.

I think I've explained I have OCD and anxiety. I mean, I kinda joked about it before. But then I went to see a therapist and a psych. I'm pretty much up there. Not like "wash your hands till they burn" up there but more like "if I sit for a minute, I can literally feel my skin crawl" up there. Do you know what's it's like to never rest? I mean, even when your sitting, your mind races wondering about the next "to do", what has to be done, what your NOT doing, what kind of life your leading, will you burn in hell for living a nice life with your stacks of Pop figures up against the wall while your fellow man is suffering from floods, wildfires, idiot politicians, deportation, homelessness...? Well I do. Every...damn...day.

I was reflecting on what made me so anxious, always worrying about doing too much and yet, at the same time, not enough. Perhaps it was my folks. My mother and father divorced early, so I went back and forth between the two. My mother was a free-spirit, always helping out the fellow man, loved being at church, extremely bright and well-read. My dad, however, was a staunch businessman, always making a buck, had street smarts, and whilst I was growing up, the focus was more on business than others. See where I'm going with this?

I loved my mother, but idolized my father. I knew I was like mom, but I wanted to be like dad. As I grew up, I became a smart businesswoman, and excelled at what I did. However, I still never felt good enough in my fathers eyes. Thank God for my mother who always beemed over every success I had. Told me I was great, I was smart, I was pretty. Of course, I didn't believe her. I was always the nerd, the outcast. But if it weren't for her words, I'm sure I would have spiraled into an even deeper depression than I experienced.

I was a lonely kid and always wanted acceptance, but was never willing to actually so the dumb things to obtain it. I tried to look pretty, but I refused to put out. I would joke around with the kids, but make high grades in my classes. i wasn't dumb but I was always pulled between the two worlds.

I always though growing older, I would have it all together. When you get older you don't give a crap what people think, right? Wrong. Still caught up in this web of being cool but still being a nerd. Still having values. And still telling the truth (just having to be more cautious of how I tell it.)

Perhaps someday, I'll feel better. Til then, wait, wasn't I supposed to think of ways to relax? Oh well, "forward" that task to tomorrow.

Good Friends, good times

Well at least I seem to be over my agitation at everything. Anne picked up Rids yesterday, and the initial part of the convo, was "Yeah, here's his school work and he's a good kid"...she's a 1st grade teacher so it's good to get her input. However, the end of it was me telling her how he'd been in trouble the past week and didn't want to listen to authority. Her lips got a bit pursed and of course, I took it personally. My anxiety sky-rocketed and I could feel the tangible judgement in the air. Not to say she was judging me, I just hate the idea of me or what I'm doing being judged, even if the situation just "is what it is".

The stuck with me, that and my frustration with my son, for a few hours. I snapped at Ricky. Then attempted to apologize for it, which he wouldn't let me "you don't need to say your sorry"; uh yeah, I do.

Then on the way to the show it was just back and forth nit-picking and general argumentativeness. His solution? "Snap out of it."

I hate that phrase. I'm a firm believer in you control your own emotions, but when I'm trying to acknowledge it and understand it to eventually get over it, I hate that phrase. Emotions are not so easily dealt with.

However, the rest of the night went well. I had my Strongbow and my charcuterie board. I met with lots of friends, have good conversations. The conversation I had with my brother was needed. We have both dealt with so many difficulties in life and neither knows the others story. We talked about Dad, Rids, relationships, dreams in life...and ended with the usual "I love you man!"

After kibitzing for a while, we headed home and passed out in exhaustion, knowing we wouldn't have to wake up early to the laughter of a 6 year old. My child is the love of my life (aside from Ricky) and I love being with him, but damn, that kid is exhausting. Perhaps it's me? Perhaps I struggle too much? Perhaps I'm too judgey myself. He definitely has obstacles to overcome and needs to listen more, but maybe, just maybe, I've failed in my ability to show him the better sides of things. I always have been supportive of the "question everything" and "teach them why, not just take demands". I know everyone may not agree with me, but it was the way I was raised and I think I did well. However, I have failed in showing him how fun "work" can be. How much fun "responsibility" can be. To take the lighter side of things. To take a bad situation and make it good.

Maybe I need to relax. Maybe I need to chill out and stop fighting it so much. We have such a difficult time saying we cherish differences, but ultimately we're all held to the same standards. I want my child to challenge those standards. I want him to be passionate and excel and think for his own. (I mean, I do want him to listen to...but he needs to decipher between whats a benefit and what is just something he doesn't want to do.)

So perhaps that will be my goal this week. Make life fun not only for me but my child. Work through things with fun and passion, even when the world thinks it's work.

It's funny, you spend the majority of your life finding yourself. Altering your goals and dreams and interactions for the best of you. But when you have a child, that world and that mentality is turned upside down. You're interactions now are being learned from. You have to think of what's best for the kid, not just you anymore. You have to teach someone else to live. Perhaps, I'm overthinking it. Whatevs. I just need to not struggle so much. Life shouldn't be this damn hard, and I'm making it so damn hard. *grumble*